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Newest Member: totalshock46 (44575)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I was right all along
beginningagain
♀ New Member
Member # 41326
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Statistic, the scariest thing in the world is realizing you are going to be the sole provider and support of a small child and there are bargains that go on inside of your mind -- anything - anything! -- to take that pain away and return the safety net. I have been there. I have done it. My son was 4.5 years old when I divorced my first husband and he was so po'd at the end of the marriage, he refused to help care for his son, see his son, etc..no money...and you know what? I found strength I didn't know I had. You can DO THIS. Sticking with something that feels safe but is actually damaging to your soul, self-esteem and psyche is not the better choice. He will constantly undermine you and make this about you (or conversely about him..being the victim). Stand tall. You got this.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Nov 2013
statistic
♀ Member
Member # 39192
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, Begin. I'm so scared I find myself trembling when I think of what lies ahead. When I think or talk about what is going on, I cannot stop shaking. I've been struggling with cold swears and night and have had disturbing nightmares. I've not even had a chance to profess the affair as I'm struggling to handle his current inconsistent behavior. My fear is that I am going to lose my mind when I file, when he retaliates, or whatever else lies ahead. I cannot currently do my job well. If my boss became aware of my productivity, I would surely be placed on probation. I still can't do basic things like shower, work, clean, or manage the house like I used to. I give all my energy to my daughter and it is honestly taking everything I have. What happens when I have a divorce to contend with as well? What happens when I finally let go of all hope? What if I cannot do the one thing I am struggling to do now- care for my daughter?

I'm glad to hear that you found your inner strength. It helps to know someone else has been through a similar situation and succeeded.


Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.

~~Tao Te Ching


Posts: 147 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Statistic,
My heart goes out to you. I shook like a leaf for weeks after d-day, and it is definitely hard to function. I know you're putting your daughter first, but don't forget that you need to take care of yourself.

Is your IC helpful?

Even if you file for divorce, you do not have to let go of all hope. Your H could dig deep, own his shit, and start learning how to be an honest, dependable, healthy man. But you do have to let go of the hope that you can make him become that man.

I truly believed that he would alter his behavior if he only understood what it is doing to me. This is a belief I continue to struggle with because it has worked in the past, but not for very long.

Did it really work, or was he just being "good" to get you back? Or to get you off his back?


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
statistic
♀ Member
Member # 39192
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sailor girl,

I don't think it worked. I think it was just placed on the back burner and probably to get me off his back. I think he is accustomed to me giving in and expects it each time. He knows I cannot tolerate it when he is angry with me, regardless of fault. I've always been this way.

My IC is helpful. I see her first thing tomorrow. Thank goodness because this week has been a doozy.


Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.

~~Tao Te Ching


Posts: 147 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
littlemrsV0813
♀ New Member
Member # 41148
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by littlemrsV0813 at 10:56 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 44 | Registered: Oct 2013
ninebark
♀ Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Statistic,

Fear is a horrible thing. I stayed in my marriage trying to R for two full years out of fear. Not fear of my EXH but fear of changing my life, fear of what I would do as a single parent, how would I survive, fear of what this would do to our son.

One day the fear wasn't so big anymore, I was stronger and realized that I wasn't living a happy life and no matter what came I was strong enough to handle it. Don't let fear cloud any decisions you make. THe first thing you need to do is see an lawyer and find out what needs to be done to protect yourself.

As far as work, have you considered talking to your boss. When I was going through my early days I had to let my boss know that I was going through some serious issues in my marriage. Can you be open and honest with them? Is there an ESS program where you work?


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
statistic
♀ Member
Member # 39192
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Littlemrs,

I do think I may be struggling with PPD as well. I went on antidepressants towards the end of my pregnancy because things were just so bad because of my suspicions and our arguments as he tried to convince me that I was looking way too deep into things. I stopped taking them because the minute I stopped asking, things got better between us and i felt better. Imagine that :(

Ninebark,

I have the same thoughts/concerns you described. I latch on to any sign of hope - a phone call, a nice text from him - out of fear. For instance, he has been nice today - checking on the baby, calling me, making sure my mom has everything she needs, etc. This is the same person who cussed me out just a few days ago and deleted my text messages. Which person is he? Is this part of the manipulation? So truly remorseful WS's act in a more consistent fashion? I keep thinking - "If he does just one more thing to upset me, then I am out the door." Yeah right. That lasts about 5 minutes. I am letting fear dictate everything. I hate this mess and whatever I am doing to prolong it.


Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.

~~Tao Te Ching


Posts: 147 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Statistic, you are in an abuse cycle. You have grown accustomed to it, and although it hurts, it doesn't hurt badly enough for you to do something to get yourself out of it. He is also used to this cycle, and he does his part to keep it going, because he knows you will stay in it with him. His abuses and disrespect will not go away. The only way for you to get out of the cycle is to stop interacting with him.

You need to look into the resources in your area, so you do not rely on him for anything. IC will help you give yourself the love you need instead of looking to him for it. Then you won't need to stay in the cycle with him, getting the little bit of love you get.

(((((statistic)))))


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
statistic
♀ Member
Member # 39192
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wait for him to show me respect and love, I'm between arguments, because otherwise I think he doesn't give it to me because I don't deserve it. I get my sense of respect, love, etc from him, not from inside myself. It makes me sick to write these things and I honestly wouldn't write or share this if I had to face each of you in person because I'm ashamed of what I've allowed myself to grow accustomed to.


Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.

~~Tao Te Ching


Posts: 147 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad you and we all have this place where we can safely let our hair down and be vulnerable. Facing oneself is the only way to grow, and become an authentic person. I'm there with you, not identical situation, but similar in some ways.

(((statistic)))


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
statistic
♀ Member
Member # 39192
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How have you all fought the urge to rugweep the affair and everything else that went along with it? Or is this just a phase one goes through in the aftermath?

It seems like I've done everything wrong since leaving him and made it impossible to R. Since I'm not living in the same home and we are about 25 miles apart and he works long hours, we do not communicate or spend much time together. I feel like this is my fault for leaving. When we do talk, it turns into an argument. I think it turns into an argument because I feel like I'm not enough of a priority... I definitely wasn't during the affair obviously. But what I am asking him to so seems to be too hard for him to do. He says I am making it impossible for him to show me how dedicated he is to change by not living in the same home and asking way too much of him and getting upset over small things. He also says our bills and the nature of his job prevent him from being more available. He is too tired at the end of his 12 hour shift to visit me, for instance. He said he would have a better chance at showing me how dedicate he is if we were home at the end of his shift. I wanted him to show me this type of behavior before I moved back home. How do I know if I'm just being a hard ass and asking for too much and thereby making it impossible for us to have a chance at R? Am I just engaging in self-defeating behavior? Will I regret setting demands that I know he will not meet on a consistent basis and not being more flexible?


Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.

~~Tao Te Ching


Posts: 147 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
Truly
♀ Member
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Ok, stop.

Just breathe.

He found PLENTY of time to LIE, CHEAT, RUG SWEEP and GASLIGHT.

If he had just met you he would find the time to woo you.

HE needs to FIND the time and the inclination. If he loved you this would not be a problem. If he was genuinely remorseful it would not be a problem. He's using you like a convenience.

Stop. Just stop. The word you're looking for is 'No'.
Don't let him manipulate you. You've done the hard part, moving out. The rest is up to you.

Re-read your posts about the cycle of abuse you are in and ask yourself if you even want him. Do you just want him to want you?

Love is NOT about being afraid. Someone who loves you offers you a safe place to land...EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Being a single mum is hard. BTDT. But it was far easier than being with an abuser.
The only person you have to wake up with every day is yourself.
You deserve the best.
Watch his actions.

You know the truth (((((((((statistic))))))))
kia kaha x


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
angryone
Member
Member # 11535
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh statistic...
You are setting the bar way.too.low.
This wh of yours needs no hand holding as far as what to do for proper R. Give him a letter outling what he is REQUIRED to do so that you may CONSIDER reconciliation. This letter should include a NC requirement, IC and/or maybe anger management for him, and so on. Then he is responsible for seeing R through. It's on him to do this. You hold all the cards, yet you are too afraid to use them. You may need ADs to help you see the bigger picture. You are not making it too difficult for him to R. If he really wanted R he would move heaven and earth to get you back. He is not doing that.

Ask yourself:
If you weren't afraid, what would you do?


Posts: 182 | Registered: Aug 2006
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh honey he is manipulating you. If he really wanted to make it work he would be moving earth and heaven, not blaming you for taking steps to be independent.

You are not responsible for makin R possible. That's up to him, he's quite frankly full of shit when he says you bein far away are preventing R. Don't fall for it. If he really truly was committed to you and to R, he would be apologizing, asking what he can do to get you to come back. Please do not blame yourself remember what he did has done and is NOT doing now.

You can do this and you will come out a superstar and he will continue to be a lonely broken man

(((( and strength ))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8062 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
statistic
♀ Member
Member # 39192
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's hard for me to see when he is manipulating me because his reasoning makes sense to me in some ways. He is my first serious relationship so I don't know any different. I also know his personality and his limitations as a person and want to be respectful of that. I do not want to look back when all is said and done and know that I didn't try everything. I also don't want to look back and think that I asked for something that was just too much to ask for, thereby ruining it for us.

My request before I consider reconciling and returning home are as follows:

1. NC - they've not communicated except for a text message where she told him that I had told her husband about the affair, since May. I'm not sure if a letter is needed.
2. MC - on a regular basis. Our MC is very busy and offers times with little notice that required my husband to miss work- he will not miss work to attend so this has not happened for the past 2 weeks. We scheduled an appt in Dec bc it coincided with a time my WH had off already.
3. Anger management- I'm not sure how this will be received.
4. Talk to me and answer my questions about the affair without losing his temper and walking off or making declarations that he doesn't want to work it out. So far, he has not been able to do this. He says that we also need some positive interactions- going to dinner & movie- where we do not talk about these things because otherwise he has nothing to look forward to or work towards. I've been consistently upset when we do communicate because I feel like we always go back to zero and I don't feel like I've had a real opportunity for him to hear me out.
5. Look for work elsewhere or cut back on his work hours. He said he will look for work elsewhere but does not think it's possible. He is in a specialized area so him working elsewhere would be very hard on him an our finances. Also, he said he would cut back his hours if we spent less money, but not until then bc he cannot tolerate going into debt. He was born and raised in a country where he and his family were homeless and depended on others for food so financial security is paramount to him and always has been.

These issues are complicated by the fact that his English ability is intermediate at best.

Is there anything else I am missing in terms of requests?


Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.

~~Tao Te Ching


Posts: 147 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
angryone
Member
Member # 11535
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He needs to be an open book: you can look at his cell and computer anytime, you can ask questions about anything concerning the A and he will have to answer them without reservation, his job would have to include NC for life with OW. By the way, if he loses his job because of the A, well he made his choices that included this possibility. That's not on you at all.

He is right about going out and having a good time with you without talking about the A. That's how you begin to move on together. However, he will have to answer all your questions before you can even think about moving on together.

If you don't get your answers and still choose to reconcile, you will always wonder. You will never feel safe. You must do what you fear. Power through it. You will only be better off, no matter the outcome. Insist on being treated with dignity and respect. You have been wronged.

Stand up for you and your child.


Posts: 182 | Registered: Aug 2006
statistic
♀ Member
Member # 39192
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you AA, Truly and Tushnurse,

I have moments where I am strong, then moments of total weakness. I just feel turned around each time we talk. I go in knowing what I want to say, and notice him puling away or growing angry, so I back off. Of course, this is not going to get me what I need.

I think he said it best when he said that he is incapable of doing some of the things I asked of him because he does not see how it can be helpful. A small example- He called me on how way home from work. I had a rough night with the baby and work, mostly because I can't stop thinking about the affair. I asked him questions like "what did she give you - attention, admiration, etc. that made you ok with moving forward with her?" or "How could you use our money to pay for hotel rooms?" I went on to describe how hurt I am and continue to be 7 weeks out. I also mention how hurt I ma about the affair, but also the horrible gaslighting and TT and broken NC he previously agreed to when I thought it was just a EA, even though he never admitted it.

Times like these I wish he would talk to me, answer honestly, and help me get through the moment. He will talk and answer some, but will snap and say "is this how you want to spend our time? I do not enjoy talking to you like this. This is not going to solve anything. I hate talking on the phone. I am tired and need to go to bed, I work early in the morning, etc. etc. etc. You just want to attack me and make me feel horrible for what I did. I am an asshole, I know it, you are not telling me anything new. I asked you to come back, and you did not." That's how it goes.

I tried to text or email, but he is hesitant to respond because he believes I am asking questions to gather information to be used against him later on -either during a divorce or perhaps to publically humiliate him- instead of thinking that I need to work through these issues.

Someone asked me in an earlier post if I truly wanted him and the answer is - I want the man he was- which I think is still there somewhere. I am not accustomed to this person in front of me and perhaps that is why I refuse to believe that this is him. I think crisis can bring out the best or worst in people and right now, he is at his worst...someone I do not know and am desperately trying to dig into him and find the person he was before. Maybe I am wrong for doing this as I drag myself down with it.


Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.

~~Tao Te Ching


Posts: 147 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
statistic
♀ Member
Member # 39192
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did as everyone suggested... 180, NC, saw a lawyer and something changed. I did these things not as a way to get a reaction from him but to protect myself because I lost all hope and was sinking into a very dark place.

To my surprise, he did the following over the past couple weeks without any recent prompting - placed an audio recorder/gps system in his car, "shared" his work calendar so I can see where he is/ who he is with, spends every free moment with our baby, asked his boss if I can call her and ask her where he is/what he is doing any time and can stop by his work unexpectedly (affair happened at work), stopped defending himself, made additional MC appointments so his work schedule would not interfere, calls/texts all day/night long to check on baby & I, apologized for his anger problem, etc... He even ran into OW & her BH at an event & called me right away to tell me.

I do not know what to make of it because I do not know what he has started to behave in this way considering how verbally abusive he has been in the very recent past. I feel like I should appreciate his efforts & make amends, or else I am being unreasonable, ungrateful or mean and may regret not taking advantage of his changed behavior that may lead to a better future for us.. At the same time, I cannot let go of the affair & his recent angry tirades. Any advice or comments are greatly appreciated. I am confused by this sense of obligation to strike while the iron is hot to "fix" this, but hate myself for even considering this given some of the very painful things he has said and done. Is this change in him short-lived?


Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.

~~Tao Te Ching


Posts: 147 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
Lostandpregnant
♀ Member
Member # 41433
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please please PLEASE google narcissistic personality disorder. He sounds so textbook..read everything you can about it. You can NOT trust this man..he will do this again and again.


He left me 18 weeks pregnant with twins for another.I am a Licensed Private Investigator..it even happens to us.

Posts: 354 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
cissi
♀ Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a bit confused. Didn't you say very early on in this thread that your husband was fired? It sounds like he is still at the same place where the affair happened though. Thanks for clarification.

Posts: 1387 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
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