Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: lookingforhope79 (45081)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Mitigating the emotional risk to your children
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a date last week. There was nothing not to like about this person. The opposite was true.

Afterward, I felt uncomfortable. I felt as though I may not be "ready" for a new relationship. I felt like the year that has gone by since my D may have not been enough for me to heal sufficiently. So, I left it there.

Today, I started thinking and wondering, not about my readiness, but instead about what impact a new relationship would have on my children (ages 4 and 6). So, my question is this:

Do we put our children's at risk for more emotional damage by entering into new relationships? Yes, I understand that there is the possibility that the first be relationship could become wonderful and be additive to the children's lives. But, that has not been my experience in life. Instead, what my crystal ball sees is multiple relationships that end, before finding the right one. What do you think?


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 950 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only you know if you are ready to date...for me...it was just, well, knowing. It wasn't scary anymore. I met a good guy, I trusted him and off we went. It is always normal to feel some hesitation when meeting someone new, but you will know soon enough if your "alarm bell" is going off because YOU aren't ready, of it you don't trust them.

I think the mistake most people make is including the children in a new relationship. Yes, most relationships are not going to last, but you can minimize "damage" to the kids by only introducing once you have been dating for awhile with no red flags.

The only "serious" relationship I have had post D was 5 months long, and my kids only met him once, at a park. It simply wasn't worth it to me to involve them. We dated when we could, and it worked...until it no longer worked. My IC mentioned to me that my children will become attached to whomever I date, so I take that into consideration when dating.

But, also, dating/breakups are a part of life. It is simply finding that line of being pretty secure in the relationship and trusting it enough to introduce kids. But, if it ends, it ends.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4157 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
wildbananas
♀ Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I made the mistake of dating too soon and incorporating XSO and his kids into the lives of the banana bunch WAY too quickly, even when I knew it was the wrong thing to do. It went badly and ended even worse and really hurt the bunch but luckily, we're all close and back on track again.

I know I'll be a lot more cautious about that in the future and will do everything at their pace. They're older than yours (17, 14 and 10) and now they are not hesitant in the least about letting me know how they feel about my dating and such.

I agree with cmego - you'll know when you're ready to date and yes, please wait to introduce your kids (and his kids, if he has them) into the mix until you're down the road a ways and see no flags.

Trying to blend families was the hardest thing I've ever done, even harder than getting D. Some people are able to pull it off but personally, I'll never do it again, nor would I ask the bunch to do it again, either. Then again, I'm sure it's easier when you do it with the right person.

This stuff is hard... no single-again manual comes along with the decree. That sure would be nice, though!


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15403 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the mistake most people make is including the children in a new relationship. Yes, most relationships are not going to last, but you can minimize "damage" to the kids by only introducing once you have been dating for awhile with no red flags.

Thanks for your replies. Cmego, I think this is the answer I needed. ^^^^


I'm definitely not ready.

Thanks.


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 950 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the mistake most people make is including the children in a new relationship. Yes, most relationships are not going to last, but you can minimize "damage" to the kids by only introducing once you have been dating for awhile with no red flags.

Ditto....and to me "awhile" isn't two weeks. It's more like 4 to 6 months. And none of this introducing them as just a friend nonsense either.


Choices, Chances, Changes.....You must make a Choice to take a Chance or your life will never Change.

Posts: 13772 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC advised not to introduce the kids to a partner unless you have been together at least 12 months. It needs to a fully committed relationship not just dating. I certainly wouldn't hide the fact that I was dating someone from them but I wouldn't hurry into introducing them either.


I am not ready to date or looking and I am probably in a different situation to most as I have a SN child. I need to ensure that any future partner is willing to commit to helping me raise this child. That been said I don't need a partner, I am quite happy on my own.

My exwh threw our kids under a bus they were introduced to the OW before we had told them we were separating. The kids had worked it out and came home and told me they met 'Dad's girlfriend'. In turn the kids hate the OW (who is now their stepmother). They also are disgusted by their father and his actions and his continued actions in putting their needs last continually.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1349 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I definitely agree with not involving the children until you reach a certain level in your relationship. There's no reason to rush, and many more reasons not to.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4563 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are not open to the possibility of becoming serious about someone then just wait. This is fairer to you and to the "someone". When you can start with an open heart go for it but yessss, wait to introduce until you know it is going somewhere.
Hug those beautiful kids.
I am so glad that you are thinking of the possibility.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 491 | Registered: Apr 2013
I.will.survive
♀ Member
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC advised not to introduce the kids to a partner unless you have been together at least 12 months. It needs to a fully committed relationship not just dating.

I think this counselor's advice is waaay off of the mark! I understand being fully committed. Absolutely. But to wait an entire year or even half of a year is far too long to only know PART of each other's lives.

How could I fully know and love my SO until I saw him as a parent, which he is half of the time, you know? Children change the relationship immensely.

I definitely agree that the kids can get attached to who you are dating. They also can get very attached to EACH OTHER if they are similar in age and form friendships when you are all together.

My opinion is to date exclusively for a couple of months then see how you feel. No red flags? Still see a happy future? Introduce the children. Blend when you can. You have to know if you love this person as a parent because that's real life.

Real life also suggests there will be multiple relationships before you find The One. Or you could get lucky. :) But at some point,your gut will know if it's the right time to add in the children.


Posts: 530 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is one area where I think you won't regret being more conservative and waiting in the end. While I can see that meaning less than the twelve months your IC mentioned, I think it would be far closer to that than a couple of months, which is essentially 8 weeks - and not near enough time to know someone well enough to expose your children to them.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4563 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My opinion is to date exclusively for a couple of months then see how you feel. No red flags? Still see a happy future? Introduce the children.

We've seen that happen too many times only to fall apart shortly thereafter. People need to get past the "rose colored glasses" stage where everything is wonderful and perfect. A couple of months isn't long enough.


Choices, Chances, Changes.....You must make a Choice to take a Chance or your life will never Change.

Posts: 13772 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
miadianna
♀ Member
Member # 10516
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The one thing in life my mom regrets is dating and remarrying so soon after my dad died when I was five years old. She now says "What the hell was I thinking? I should have been focusing on my family and healing" Within a year, he and his son were moved into our house and they married. My mom had five kids...11, 10, 10, 6, 5 yrs old who really needed her instead of a new stepdad and all that comes with it. During their entire 4-year marriage, he was physically and emotionally abusive and she exposed us to that on a daily basis. He leaves in handcuffs after almost killing her one night. Then what does she do? She gets married again within a year to another man with four kids who becomes abusive and makes suggestive moves on my sister and me. We were 12 and 13 at the time. He cheats on her and all kinds of crazy things happen and she divorces him while I was still in high school four years later. Becomes an alcoholic. This was our life. What did we learn about men?

Warning to all parents. Please don't date too soon. It's really not worth it. And if you do, wait a very long time until you get to know them before exposing them to your new person. Yes, sometimes it works out but your children really need your presence. Mind, body, security, safety, love, trust.


Me: BS 53
Son: 27 years old
Daughter: 25 years old
D-day(s) 9/23/94 - 1/31/05
Divorced 4/10/08

Posts: 7482 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Illinois
dindy
♀ Member
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 2:01 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I do meet someone new I intend to be really serious about them before introducing them to my children.

And he will need to know that I come as a package now, me and my two children, so he will need to accept that.


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 5:11 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your replies. I'll proceed with caution!


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 950 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My opinion is to date exclusively for a couple of months then see how you feel. No red flags? Still see a happy future? Introduce the children.

A few months is far too soon for me too. I'm thinking more like a year or two.

Maybe it would be shorter if it is someone I've known for years and I know all of their friends/family and they know mine and I've seen them at their worst and they've seen me at my worst.

Easy for me to say - my girls are very young and I have 50% of my time to myself so I can have both.

What I don't want is to have them endure a chorus line of "mum's boyfriends". I could potentially have ten 1 year relationships over the next 20 years - that gives me the creeps.

They'll get that chorus line from their dad - make room for and bond with the latest luurve of his life only to do it all again over and over.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5582 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC advised not to introduce the kids to a partner unless you have been together at least 12 months. It needs to a fully committed relationship not just dating.

I agree with this 100% I think you need time to get to know the real person you are dating, and not their best side that people show in a new relationship.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
million pieces
♀ Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SO and I waited around 9 months. The kids knew I had a new friend before that, but he wasn't introduced until later. And even after that it was well over a year before he was a regular in their lives.

This is how fast some kids bond. My family and SO's family rented a place at the beach after we had been dating over a year. We had separate bedrooms etc but spent 4 days completely with them. After that long weekend my dd ( who was 6 at the time) called my SO, her second dad!!! That really freaked me out!


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
Topic Posts: 17

Return to Forum: New Beginnings Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.