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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How did you start to face what you did?
sodamnsorry
♂ New Member
Member # 37201
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did you REALLY start to face what you did and who you were during the affair?

As I posted yesterday, I am a year out from the affair, and my BS has filed for divorce. It isn't the affair that has us headed for divorce, it is my own lack of facing up to who I was and what I did. Without doing that I am not a safe person. I know that I tend to run away from icky feelings, but I don't want to run anymore.

I am so exhausted from fighting my ass off for a year in all of the wrong ways. I want to face it all. I want to face down every nook and cranny and hold every piece of me up to the light and try to see through it all. My BS always tells me that its a decision - you just do it. I tend to overthink everything and make it way more complicated than it is. I tell me BS all the time that I know I am so close that I can nearly reach out and touch it. I can also see how within us, we stand on the verge of being able to actually move forward and that I am holding us back. I have us heading to divorce instead of actual reconciliation and I am just so done with being this person. In those few days when I have actually been able to do the right work - I feel so free and I feel like me and we actually move forward. I want that me.


WS (me) 45- Dday was 9/20/2012
Wife 41 (sodamnlost on SI)
Together 9 years, married 5
Stepdad to 6 amazing kids (22, 21, 16, 15, 12, 10)

Trying wicked hard - never giving up.


Posts: 39 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Michigan
Clarrissa
♀ Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess for me, it was really *seeing* how devastated my BH was in the days, weeks after Dday. I truly do love him and I guess I really wanted to find out how I could have even *thought* about doing this to him.

Looking at ourselves and owning that completely f*cked up choice is hard. We have to overcome the instinct to protect ourselves and the image we hold so dear. But, IMO, we have to completely deface that image to find out what's underneath. It's scary to tear apart something we've spent so much time and effort creating but we need to in order to restore what is most likely a much better image or create an even better one.

It's good you want to change for *you*. That's what makes the changes stick. Making those changes is hard, exhausting and sometimes seems impossible but you seem determined to make them. and don't think your BH doesn't see that. He does even if he doesn't comment.

As far as the D, has he stated unequivically that that's where you're headed? If not, there's still hope you can repair the damage you did to the M and him.

Gentle 2X4 here. Perhaps he's thinking D because of your... inconsistent... progress. From his POV, you make some necessary changes then seem to slack off. Granted fixing ourselves takes time but it also takes perserverance and it helps our BS to *see* that perserverance. To *see* that we're really working on ourselve to make us safe. Alot of that work is internal but we can still show that the work is being done by sharing what we've learned about ourselves, sharing our "aha" moments.

I do hope you continue on this path of self-discovery and repair despite the ultimate fate of your M. You need to be happy and safe with *you* before someone else can.

[This message edited by Clarrissa at 8:44 AM, September 29th (Sunday)]


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5886 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
sodamnsorry
♂ New Member
Member # 37201
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Clarrissa - thanks. We are headed for D because of my nearly non-existent progress. I've been in denial for a year, afraid to face who I was, who I am, and what I did. She worked her ass off to stay and I haven't. I wasn't ever working to change for me. I was always looking for a way to save our marriage - for some quick fix to make it all go away so we can move forward. I'm not saying there isn't still hope, but there is a lot of new damage in the last year and I know my wife does not believe that I can do what's needed to be the husband she deserves and I have given her no real reason to believe that. We are a year in and I am just scratching the surface. She is so far ahead of me in healing that I don't know if I can catch up to her in order to cross the finish line together. I am definitely out of reasons for her to stop and wait for me, though.


WS (me) 45- Dday was 9/20/2012
Wife 41 (sodamnlost on SI)
Together 9 years, married 5
Stepdad to 6 amazing kids (22, 21, 16, 15, 12, 10)

Trying wicked hard - never giving up.


Posts: 39 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Michigan
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know exactly how/when I started to face it.

1) I read a book, recommended here, for CSA survivors. While not excusing my As, it gave me a clinical framework for my behavior, something that can be identified and healed.

2) I read this (from a BH here, atsenaotie)
I was not that unhappy in the M.
To FWWs thinking that was proof that she was being a good W.
OTOH, she was miserable, and that was proof that I was being a bad H and did not love her.

Holy lightbulb. It made me realize that the anger and unhappiness I'd used to justify my As were a totally unfair projection. Sorry BH.

Those two things prompted me to find a therapist. I honestly never thought I'd submit to head-shrinking, but it's been fantastic.

3) This is more a tool I've used for correcting my negative perception of almost everything, than an "a-ha" moment, but I read a book called Nonviolent Communication by Rosenberg, which is pretty much an empathy primer. Wow. Amazing. I want to buy it for everyone I know. From what you said...

I tend to overthink everything and make it way more complicated than it is.

...I think this book could really help you.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response theres a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1179 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Clarrissa
♀ Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all, sds, sorry for the gender switch - my fault for not looking at sig lines.
Anyway, as for the D, sorry you're headed there but it's a good thing you're owning the fact that it's because you didn't do the work, didn't give your BS what she needed. After such a long time being selfish (even if unintentionally so), it's a bit of a stretch to switch gears and put someone else first - in this case our BS.

However there is hope. There have been cases of R after D. In these cases, it's still on the WS to prove we're safe to be with. Just because the D went through doesn't mean that past, that history is wiped ckean.

Give yourself the time and tools to fix youself and allow your BS time to heal. Just be prepared for and accept the fact that she may *never* want to R with you. If so, that's her choice so allow her to make it. But who knows? She may be open to the possibility. Just do the work you need to do to make yourself safe, both to ypurself and for others.

[This message edited by Clarrissa at 2:00 PM, September 29th (Sunday)]


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5886 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
Topic Posts: 5

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