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User Topic: Narcissists....
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it possible to R with one? I think my Ws recent indiscretions have really opened my eyes to what kind of guy he is and I've learned a lot about myself as well. I realized I have major co-dependency. When I spoke to Ws about it and presented the common traits of a people pleaser (me) he claimed he was one too! Not even close. I sort of suspected narcissim but I'm not in his head so.....I had him take a test. I didn't tell him what it was. Just sent him an e-mail with questions and told him to answer truthfully. I took it as well and scored a 4. This man scored a 21 which puts him in the narcissist range. I know it's not a diagnostic tool but it really shocked me! Not really sure where to go from here. I had a feeling there was a lot more to the story and the more I pick at his personality and try to figure out who he really is the more I come to realize it may be completely pointless to try to R in the future. It's becoming so obivious I am nothing but an object to him. He even told me when I told him I had thought about leaving "it would kill him to imagine me with another man." WTF? Being someone else isn't even on my mind you fool! And that's why he wants me to stay?
This is the test we took.
http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/narcissistic.htm


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After much complaining he finally removed her from his friends list and no longer emails or messages her although I know they speak over the phone for "work" and I'm sure have some other form of communication. I feel in my gut it is continuing even though he claims it is not and acts as if he wants to R. At this point I am unsure what I want to do. I don't want to give up on my marriage and split our family up but I strongly believe this will happen again. He agreed to MC but hasn't made any effort to actually do it.

From your profile. You have only been married a short time and this is how he believes he should be in a marriage. Is a label or test really necessary?

Look at what you've posted in your profile. Really read it and then ask is it possible to R? Do you honestly want to? If so, why?

Marriage should be your safey safe. Your partnership with someone that has your back, gives you strength, stands in front during times you're fragile. It should never be sleeping with the enemy. Always on guard. Watching. Guarding. That's a prison.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Marathonwaseasy
♀ Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a codependent I have a similar journey to you in some ways. I've been reading about codependency and apparently the same FOO issues can lead to narcissism as codependency. The lack of a sense of yourself and your needs being important meaning you find your worth externally either by pleasing others or by healing the wounded child by rewriting history where you do matter. This made sense to me as my brother is a total narcissist.


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

uncertainone- You are absolutely right. I know deep down there is no hope and really it's not a challenge I want to take on. I guess I feel guilty being to one to end it. Stupid as that sounds!!!


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, it doesn't sound stupid at all. Ending a marriage is an extremely tough decision no matter how right it looks "on paper". I ended mine years after an ER visit to x ray my jaw to see if my ex broke it popping me over forgetting beer. Yeah, he had...well something going on there. But he was very sorry. Stressful job and all.
It was beer, though, so there's that.

You didn't end it. He did. You just observed and behaved accordingly. Nothing easy about it. Simple solutions aren't always, and actually seldom are.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, you can't. No, you shouldn't.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9852 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My Ws sent me this message this morning. He is now asking if I liked the message and he felt like I didn't. About an hour later he again asked if I liked it. I want to know....is this a sign of a Narcissist? He does this sort of thing often, while sweet, I get the feeling it's only so I will gush over how great he is. If that makes sense. I am still on the fence about whether or not he is. He shows some traits but I do believe he displays empathy, either that or he is a great faker. I know it is something that can only be diagnoised by a professional but I'm really trying to understand his issues to know if it's safe to go forward or not. He states he realizes he is co-dependent and wants to change. But I am not so sure!

"I love u so much ! your love is my drug day in and day out I have to have it, without I wouldn't know what to do, u are my adrenaline rush the feeling I get when I get that rush is like no other! the butterflies are still when excitement and love show right through, the feeling I get when I see you makes my worries and discomfort go away, you are my Dove, my Love, My WIFE , Mother of my kids, My Life and all else my ROCK! I will cherish you respect you for you are my WIFE" I love you Babe more than anything else muahhhhhh


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is smothering you. He is love bombing you. He is trying to reel you in like a fish at the end of a fishing line.

He'll get you back, and then it will start all over again. Unless you wrench that hook out of your mouth & get away from him.

I know you're desperate to believe him & have a happy reconciliation that lasts forever & ever. Trouble is, you've seen who he really is. You've had a taste of truth. There is no more blissful ignorance for you.

If you R with him you know you will be R-ing with an emotional predator and a cheater. Reread what he wrote to you. Do you honestly want someone to view you as a drug? Wouldn't you rather be viewed as a person? Wouldn't you rather be married to a man who can make his own damn problems & worries go away?

http://outofthefog.net/

http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/08/03/reconciling-with-a-psychopath-the-dangerous-lure-of-the-honeymoon-phase/


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9852 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
NoAnswers37
♀ Member
Member # 40592
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have just glanced at what he wrote to you (sorry, don't know your back story!) and it is all 'me me me' and 'my my my'...

That's how I read it anyway.

And then to ask if you liked it?! Seems all done for selfish reasons, not to make you feel better, but to make HIMSELF feel better.


Live without pretending
Love without depending
Listen without defending
Speak without offending

Posts: 122 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: England
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NatureGrl- No I did not like being referred to as a drug! lol I thought it sounded overdone and sort of sick. I do want it to work out and I thought he was serious about changing but then I got this and it rubbed me the wrong way. *sigh* Thank you for the articles! Going to read them now.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG! The second article....word for word is HIM. WOW!


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Dawn58
♀ Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are some great books out there about narcissists. My step Mom is the first one that told me that she thought he was a narcissists. When I read about it online, I was astounded!!! There he was, in black and white. Am currently reading "the Path Forward, Surviving the Narcissist".

My belief is, with my cheating spouse, reconciliation is not possible. I filed for divorce a month and a half after I found out about the affair. He chose to be with his mistress. He has shown zero remorse. In face, they are now engaged (we have not even had our first mediation meeting yet and this happened several months ago).

I know that for me, the trust has been broken. I know that for me, I do not want to be with a man I no longer trust and who is completely capable of lying to me, cheating on me and deceiving me. I know that for me, I can not be with a man that is a serial cheater (he cheated twice on his second wife - did not know about the second affair when we met and he has now cheated on me and I suspect that this mistress was not his first).

The pain of his cheating has been overwhelming, crushing and so hard to walk through. But, I have found a strength I did not know that I possess. It's been 10 months and I have found my laughter again. I have moments of peace and contentment. I know I am not through the woods yet - I was very upset to find out about his engagement over a week ago. But, I know in my heart, that I deserve more than him - a liar and a cheat.

I am a co-dependent and so I see why I was with him. Or maybe why he was with me. I believe we are objects to them, that we gave them the attention and praise that they need to feel better. And as soon as we no longer fulfill that need, they are done with us. Painful, but true.

I will never understand why he did what he did. I now believe that I fell in love with a man that never truly existed.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 484 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NatureGrl- Is it possible I am still in the idealization stage? I haven't seen any symptoms of devalution, except infidelity. We have been together 3 years and married for one. How long does it usually take to enter the devalution stage? He never has seemed to "disappear". He gets cold and distant at times. Has even become critical but not to the extreme I am reading. The idealiztion stage fits him to a T though.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, so facebook has been acting up all day. Sort of a relief for me but of course he calls and suggests talking over e-mail so we did. Our youngest son was fussy and I told him I couldn't really talk right now. He calls back a little later. He said it sounded funny I said I couldn't talk right now and wondered what I was up to. He said he was feeling "wiggy" (a term we use to describe insecure or suspect cheating)and imagined I had someone over here while the kids are here! WTF??? I would never do such a thing. He went on and on about how he's afraid I will have a revenge A and he just wants reassurance. He has no reason to believe or evidence that I have ever been unfaithful. Then he brought up the message again. Asked if I liked it, said it didn't appear I cared much about it, and he wants to do those things and more to prove his love. I just don't even know what to say or do anymore. I really thought things were getting better. He seemed geniune in wanting to change past behaviors but he is still asking for explanations and still accusing me! I AM SICK OF BEING ACCUSED! What right does he have to do that??? He was the one caught red handed for doing the very thing he accused me of and he still has the balls to do it? I really wonder if something is still going on. He seems guilty of something or maybe senses I am no longer the door mat I was. I don't know...


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
NoAnswers37
♀ Member
Member # 40592
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I am being honest.... when people accuse it's usually because they are guilty. I think it is deflection.

((hugs))


Live without pretending
Love without depending
Listen without defending
Speak without offending

Posts: 122 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: England
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NoAnswers-That's what I think. In fact when I caught him in the past he had been accusing me shortly before.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He does not sound right in the head. I mean that.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9852 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NatureGrl- I know. I think the fog is starting to clear.

I just flipped it on him and asked if he was talking to anyone else.
He said, "promise...."
I said, "K I really hope you are being honest."
He said "Yeah I am. I promise. I don't want to lose you or the boys. I wanted to do something to prove my love and faith for us, wanna know?"
I said, "sure"
And he said getting tattoos with each other's name.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting test. Might take it again in a few months.
Scored only an 11.
From what i've read about NPD, if he is a true NPD, run like hell, don't look back, and get as far and fast away as possible.
Good luck!


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2336 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Tripletrouble
♀ Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At my very first IC she said "you have just described a narcissist". I knew it. She has nailed every action before he took it. Sadly, she predicted in the very first session that narcissists as cheaters rarely are successful at healing the marriage. She was right. Be careful, the web he is spinning around you will only get tighter as the years pass.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
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