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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Do you tell people he cheated?
thisisterrible
♀ Member
Member # 24727
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right after DDay, I didn't tell anyone, because I was POSTIVE he was going to come out of 'the fog' and come back to me. I didn't want him to be embarrassed for what he did, and I didn't want anyone to think bad of him. I was also embarrassed; I felt ashamed that I wasn't good enough at being a wife to keep my husband from finding someone else.

That was a lonng time ago. As soon as I realized he wasn't coming back, I told EVERYONE. In fact, it's been 4 years since STBXH left, and I STILL tell everyone, like the cashier at Wal Mart, the bank teller, any neighbor who by some chance hasn't heard the real story yet. If I can find a way to work it into a conversation, I do - like this:

Wal Mart cashier: Oh boy, isn't Drano expensive?

Me: Yep, but it works to unclog a drain. My husband left me for someone else, so I do all my own home repairs!

Then the Wal Mart cashier will look at me like I'm a little bat shit crazy, but I smile to myself the whole way out of the store. For me, telling people is like a little bit of free therapy.

[This message edited by thisisterrible at 11:14 PM, September 30th (Monday)]


Me:BS Him:WH Two young kids
Married 12yrs - together 20
A started 2/09 - S 7/09 - he filed for D 12/09
I wanted to R and he didn't. He never stopped seeing the MOW, who filed for D 11/09. They've since broke up...for now.

Posts: 543 | Registered: Jul 2009
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wal Mart cashier: Oh boy, isn't Drano expensive?

Me: Yep, but it works to unclog a drain. My husband left me for someone else, so I do all my own home repairs!

Then the Wal Mart cashier will look at me like I'm a little bat shit crazy, but I smile to myself the whole way out of the store. For me, telling people is like a little bit of free therapy.

LOVE THIS!


Posts: 1668 | Registered: Oct 2011
vivere
♀ Member
Member # 34465
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't told anyone yet.

Now that R is no longer an option I guess that will change - I'll have to explain why we are no longer living together as a family and at the moment I don't feel inclined to keep HIS secret for him.


You are responsible for your own happiness :)

Posts: 315 | Registered: Jan 2012
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wal Mart cashier: Oh boy, isn't Drano expensive?

Me: Yep, but it works to unclog a drain. My husband left me for someone else, so I do all my own home repairs!

Then the Wal Mart cashier will look at me like I'm a little bat shit crazy, but I smile to myself the whole way out of the store. For me, telling people is like a little bit of free therapy.

Heh... I did the same thing. When I had to call up to cancel joint stuff and/or things like magazine subscriptions, I always seemed to work it in there somehow. :)

Right after DDay, I didn't tell anyone, because I was POSTIVE he was going to come out of 'the fog' and come back to me. I didn't want him to be embarrassed for what he did, and I didn't want anyone to think bad of him. I was also embarrassed; I felt ashamed that I wasn't good enough at being a wife to keep my husband from finding someone else.

I went in the total opposite direction.

At first, when we were talking R, I promised him I wouldn't tell people because I thought if my friends and family knew what he did, they would never accept him back into the family.

But then I thought to myself: if that's the case, then what am I missing here? Why am I protecting HIM when I know the people who truly care about me would be focused on protecting ME??? This is nuts!

That next morning, I called, like, 15 people. I told friends (because I wanted advice), colleagues (so I could get off work), and family members.

I also 180ed immediately (before I even knew what it was). Told him he could get on the next plane if he wanted me back, or nothing. He offered to take a leave from work, but warned he would need to bring some work with him. I told him leave the work at home so we could do intensive MC, or he could stay right where he was and keep right on sleeping with OW.

He booked a flight, but our over-the-phone R never made it that far.

And when I found out the A had gone underground (trapped him in yet another lie), I NCed and held it for about 5 mos.

I've worried sometimes I was WAY too much of a hard ass... but I wanted to test him. He had to move heaven and earth to earn me back and show me he was willing to do the hard work. He didn't. It has blackened my soul, but THAT was the dealbreaker for me.



BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Frustrated  Posted: 11:45 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure if its okay to post on this. I don't care if he tells anyone, hell I told the majority of the people who know, I even had a post written fully describing my horrible choices to my entire facebook contact list and an email to all our friends. He told me not to send it, not sure how he feels now. After a year of false R on his end and his own A and our separation I still will not be spreading his part in this. If asked point blank I have asked him how he wants this answered to the few mutual friends who don't know. He has said he will just say we had problems we couldn't work out that we prefer not to discuss. I have no problem being honest about my actions but we are both betrayed and wayward, his actions are not mine to own or to tell. My family knows because I leaned on them but no one else. Just my .02 cents worth.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2704 | Registered: Oct 2012
AussieMum
♀ Member
Member # 36579
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told everyone and anyone who cared to listen Absolutely NOT my secret to keep or my shame to carry. He chose this course of action, he blew up our family so he can deal with the consequences.

The frustrating part is he still insists he 'didn't cheat' In his unevolved mind, cheating = sex, and he still maintains that didn't happen with any of his OW. Riiiiggght. He tells people what a 'shocking wife' I was - of course it was all my fault.

He's a real Jeckyll and Hyde - Mr Nice Guy to the outside world so a few of our 'friends' have been more supportive of him. So of course they are not true friends to me.

I don't think I've ever felt embarrassment over what he did and how he treated me, and continues to treat me. So I tell everyone about his little pieces on the side and his betrayal of me.


Me 46
ExH 51
EA Jun-Aug 12 (OW1)FB flirting and then EA/PA with OW2 (Aug-Dec 12). New OW Jan 13, introduced her to the kids immediately.
Married 10 years, together 14yrs
2 kids (DS11 & DD7)
Separated Jan 13. Divorced Jun 14

Posts: 180 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
newlysingle
♀ Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hell yes I told people!


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 879 | Registered: Mar 2013
npain
♀ Member
Member # 33539
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told everyone who would listen--he keeps trying to make it look like it was the marriage, but considering I supported him through stage 4 cancer--it's not flying. Even my family that was supportive of him in the beginning think he is a complete douche now.

We have 2 kids together and I fully plan on telling them when they are old enough to understand. I want to arm them with info so that they are more conscious of the choices they make in relationships.

If he didn't want anyone to know what a whore he was, he shouldn't have been behaving like one--not covering for him--NOT MY PROBLEM!!


S,beginning D

Posts: 508 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: New York
mof2
♀ Member
Member # 40287
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't at first, but it has been coming out more and more. Other people know and talk about it as well so I'm pretty sure most people know. They are making it kind of obvious on FB as well and now my STBX and I aren't friends, neither are OW and her STBX, but her STBX and I are friends of FB. Social media is an eye opener. My STBXH told me to "hate him in private" when he left. I have pretty much been quiet for the most part, but after the divorce papers are signed I know longer have to "hate him in private".


BW - Me 43
WH - Cheating Swine 43
Dday - February 12, 2013....a week before I was to give birth to the child I miscarried and 12 days before our 5th anniversary.

Posts: 313 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: DFW
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've worried sometimes I was WAY too much of a hard ass... but I wanted to test him. He had to move heaven and earth to earn me back and show me he was willing to do the hard work. He didn't. It has blackened my soul, but THAT was the dealbreaker for me.

Do yourself a favor: Worry less about what other people think, and continue to work with IC on your "blackened soul."

Seriously, most other people will take their cue from you.

Maybe some of it is me wanting him to see consequences...
If this comes across, you may sound bitter.

Keep your story general, and about you: After 10.5 years of marriage, I was shocked then sad to learn he cheated. I'm doing better now, and I'm refocusing my energies on my career and friends. ... Now tell me all about your Halloween/Thanksgiving/Christmas plans Mary/John."


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Topic Posts: 70
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