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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Do you tell people he cheated?
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I find embarrassing is that he became a "poofer" after false R. I asked him for 2 mos NC... and at the end of the 2 mos he moved, changed his phone number, moved his office, cancelled all of our insurance plans, etc. He has done everything he can to never talk to me again.

In the meantime, the only people who do talk to me are his coworkers -- one psycho called me on our anniversary to tell me she suspected he was off somewhere with OW... another just quit the job and moved home and sent me an email this morning offering to sit down to tell me everything I want to know about STBX and what he's been doing the last few months.

And I can tell some of my friends are keeping things from me. They know something about what's going on with him at work and they aren't telling me.

I just hate that I'm associated with such drama. And I'm horrified that he's treating me with such disrespect.

How do you say to someone "Yeah, he cheated on me and refuses to speak to me ever again." ?

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 7:04 PM, September 28th (Saturday)]


BS / D

Posts: 785 | Registered: Jun 2013
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just tell people the truth. Your STBXH is going through his second childhood (or continuing his first). Anyone worth an iota of your concern will realize that cheating is unacceptable. Once again,you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You are the person who has acted like a responsible adult. Not speaking to his BS just shows how immature your STBXH is.

I (and a lot of other people) tend to measure people by the way they treat others. His lack of respect for you, just lowers his own stature in the eyes of others. I know it's hard, but keep your head held high.

It's really kinda creepy that his CoWs are contacting you with information. I'm not sure what they hope to accomplish by telling you things about STBXH. Maybe they think it will help you in the D? Very strange.


I know you don't have kids, but I just want to say that they are part of the reason I am D my STBXH. I do not want my boys growing up thinking that this type of behavior is okay. They are too young at this point to be told the 'whys' of the D, but someday they will be old enough, and they will ask (unless they already found out on their own). My DD is old enough to know that Dad was unfaithful and that's why we are D. Kids learn more by watching your behavior, than from anything you say. I do not want her thinking that it is okay to be treated this way (or to do this to others). It's a balancing act, because he is their father, and they love him. But eventually, all kids figure out that their parents aren't perfect.

edited to fix errors.

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 7:31 PM, September 28th (Saturday)]


Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.

Posts: 973 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
hoya96
♀ Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't have to tell too many people, since he openly began dating his affair partner, who was my best friend, very quickly. Considering my husband moved out and divorced me, and then my former best friend was his girlfriend (now wife) ... it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out.

My kids figured it out and I never said a word to them.

For those who weren't in our widespread circle of friends and family (ie colleagues), I absolutely told the truth. I usually (laughingly) say "I'm far too educated and classy for a Jerry Springer episode, but you know those shows where the husband confesses that he's really been with the best friend? It happened to me! That really happens!"

I learned to frame it that way even early on. To answer your follow up question - no, I feel NO shame. I did nothing wrong. Their behavior says everything about them, and nothing about me.


Me: 39
3 children ages 9, 11 and 13
Out of blue ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man: 5/12/12

Posts: 276 | Registered: Jun 2010
LadyQ
♀ Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't lie. If it's someone I have a relationship with, I tell them the truth (usually some version of "I didn't like his girlfriend"). When my daughter asked, I was honest with her. She's 16, and was absolutely devastated by some lies she had caught her dad in. There was no way I would have added to her pain by having both her parents being liars. My 18 year old son believes whatever story the x told him. If he asks, I'll tell him the truth. I refuse to "bad-mouth" their dad, but I also refuse to perpetuate his lies. As to other random people finding out? I've done nothing to be ashamed of, and I'm just not going to lie.


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just say what you are comfortable saying. For me the easy conversation stopper when people asked was 'I didn't like any of his girlfriends'. Its rare that people ask for more details than that, so likely you wont need to divulge that he is a poofer.

Even if that comes up it is a reflection on him not you. It wasn't until I accepted that my x's shitty behaviour is all about him that I no longer felt embarrassed.

Sure, I'm in a rut at the moment with the 1st antiversary approaching but its about self disappointment and introspection at what I put up with and what was wrong with me that enabled me to do so. Him being shitty and a poor excuse for a human being is still all on him.


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 714 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I find embarrassing is that he became a "poofer" after false R. I asked him for 2 mos NC... and at the end of the 2 mos he moved, changed his phone number, moved his office, cancelled all of our insurance plans, etc. He has done everything he can to never talk to me again.

You need to get to a place in your heart, soul & mind that believes NONE of this is about you. All of these things are his doing, his choices, his actions. These things describe him. They don't describe you. They affect you, but they aren't your actions to "own".

If I walked up to you, bitch slapped you, then karate-chopped your arm & broke it, would you be angry at me? Would you be embarrassed about my actions or pissed off?

I think you need to find your anger at your WS. Anger is a fantastic clarifying emotion, it helps you get things accomplished, it motivates, it gives direction. Find it. I suspect once you do fully embrace your anger you'll find the embarrassment goes away.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8736 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before I met him, STBX was engaged to his college girlfriend. He broke it off about three weeks before the wedding, moved out of state and NEVER talked to her again. Never. She would email and I would encourage him to help her get closure. He'd never bother.

So sometimes it seems to help if I tell people what he did and then say "you know, he did something like this before [tell the story]-- I never thought he'd do it to me, too. But I guess he has a history."

The reason I like to mention it is that I think it shows he has a pattern of poofing and it sort of absolves me from the suspicion that maybe his version of being unhappy or miserable before the A has any merit.

Dude just loses his mind and checks out.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 7:55 PM, September 28th (Saturday)]


BS / D

Posts: 785 | Registered: Jun 2013
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature_Girl...

Anger has started to creep in in the last couple of weeks. I'm not comfortable with it at all (it's not in my nature)-- but I'm trying to embrace it.

It has gotten me to the place where I'm no longer playing the DDays over in my head or worried about what he's doing, what he thinks, etc.

I actually think my concern about being embarrassed, etc is a reflection of finally worrying about myself. So I think I'm on the right path...


BS / D

Posts: 785 | Registered: Jun 2013
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

being embarrassed, etc is a reflection of finally worrying about myself

I am going to gently say NO. Being embarrassed about someone else's actions means you are taking on a sense/feeling of responsibility for their shitty behaviour.

PL you have nothing to be embarrassed about.


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 714 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Tripletrouble
♀ Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've really wrestled with this one. Everyone thinks he's such a GREAT GUY. Yeah, who was on AFF, like a perv in a trenchcoat. I want to tell people so they don't assume I'm the issue, or that we were just not working on our marriage, but I am willing to swallow my pride to protect my teenagers from the embarrassment. This is the source of quite a bit of my anger.

ETA, we also work in the same field with common colleagues.

[This message edited by Tripletrouble at 8:20 PM, September 28th (Saturday)]


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

The sea is so wide, and my boat is so small.


Posts: 535 | Registered: May 2013 | From: A state of overwhelmed
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to tell people so they don't assume I'm the issue, or that we were just not working on our marriage,

Exactly. And we don't have kids for me to worry about. Maybe some of it is me wanting him to see consequences... but a lot of it has to do with not wanting colleagues to think I'm a flake in my personal life to the degree that it can affect my professional reputation.

There are certainly other people in our field who have cheated, had multiple marriages, etc. It tends to look a little bad if they are perceived to have used those relationships to move up the ladder and/or seem unreliable.

Being embarrassed about someone else's actions means you are taking on a sense/feeling of responsibility for their shitty behaviour.

Totally. But I think I'm still accepting that there is no chance of R on my end in moving on to strategizing about how to address the D with others.


BS / D

Posts: 785 | Registered: Jun 2013
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PL, I was so ashamed of my sex addict H's actions that I didn't even tell my best friend for two months that I kicked STBX out of my house. I told my old boss, two high school friends (who live faraway), and my immediate family. My brothers still don't know the whole story.

Two years out, I'm finally letting go of his shame. It's not easy, but you will get there. You need lots of therapy and real-life support to do this. I often look back at those still stuck in the secrecy of marriage to SAs and how they can't tell the world the truth. This is the kiss of death.

Repeat after me: This is not my shame. I did nothing wrong. This is NOT my shame!!! Someday, I swear, you will believe it.

(((PL)))


Posts: 1423 | Registered: Oct 2011
SurelyNOT
♀ Member
Member # 40617
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is something I have wrestled with. All our family are in the UK, so that part was easy. I initially confided in my only sister, and his sister. I have now told my parents and his Mom. I have only confided in a few close friends. My school going children have asked for it not to be broadcast, because they don't want people knowing. The people that I have told, I have told ALL. He has effectively moved out of our marital home, he is presently working away out West, but is returning on the Friday of our upcoming Thanksgiving Weekend to gather his belongings to officially move in with his AP and her 10 year old autistic son. They live 40 kms away in a very different area, he has dropped our friends and adopted hers, and no doubt they will not be advertising that he has abandoned us, or that they conducted a 14+ months affair while still married to me. He seems to be fully enveloped in a fog, and doesn't give a damn about the havoc he has created for us. In fact he has adopted the attitude that he is deserving of a "fresh start". Good luck with that mate!!!
Do not be embarrassed, the shame is his and hers to bear, hold your head high. This is not of your doing, he made the choice to cheat, you are unfortunately a victim of their circumstances. Good luck in your journey.

Posts: 95 | Registered: Sep 2013
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At First Nobody, But After No Remorse, Then Moved Out To Be With The OW, I Tell Anybody That Asks. I Show Pictures And Video Too Upon Request!


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB

Posts: 1766 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he has dropped our friends and adopted hers, and no doubt they will not be advertising that he has abandoned us, or that they conducted a 14+ months affair while still married to me. He seems to be fully enveloped in a fog, and doesn't give a damn about the havoc he has created for us. In fact he has adopted the attitude that he is deserving of a "fresh start".

Ditto.

(( hugs ))


BS / D

Posts: 785 | Registered: Jun 2013
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since he had no remorse and zero interest in R or anything else but getting on his merry way with his new life, I've told everyone the truth right from the start. That he cheated, and who he cheated with, since I know the OW. Most people probably would have put two and two together anyway, since he moved directly from living with me to living with her. Not so much as a pause, even to give his kids a chance to adjust. Asshole.

He didn't protect me and our marriage. I won't protect him and his affair.


Me: BS, 45 Him: XWH, 45
Together 8 yrs, married for 5
DDay 04.10.13 Divorced 05.14.13
Two furbabies

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling


Posts: 566 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Saleschick
♀ Member
Member # 39772
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have told people and told them who the MOW is....especially since they work together and are often seen together in public and on business trips. I have asked close friends and family NOT to do business with them and why.

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jul 2013
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hell YES I tell everyone! I want everyone to know what type of person Mr. Integrity really is, not the phony front he presents to the world.

I was humiliated beyond belief in the beginning, but got over that quickly enough when I realized people were supportive when they found out, not judgmental or condescending in any way.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs, started 1994? - never stopped
Kids - 22, 20, 17
M Dissolved 2013!!!

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man, ~ Shakespeare


Posts: 824 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told everyone straight after DD. More to do as much damage as possible should he ever have the idea to want R.

It didn't work straight away. It made R tough for both of us. In the end it did work though.

I now tell people I'm divorcing him because I didn't like his girlfriends (great SI-ism!).

I was deeply humiliated by the cheating.

I don't understand why you are embarrassed that he doesn't speak to you. He cheated on you - what worse could he do? I'd be examining whether you are Actually embarrassed that you want him to talk to you?

I was deeply ashamed of wanting him to wake the fuck up, of wanting so desperately for this NOT to be a dealbreaker for me.

All mashed up this embarrassment/humiliation/shame is one giant shit sandwich. I don't want to admit to anyone lease of all myself what I was really embarrassed about so my humiliation over his cheating was OTT. Once I acknowledged what was really shaming me I was able to start working through it.

I'm not telling you what you feel, just offering another perspective.


Sending all of the love and strength I can muster to Phoenix1 and her family.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Posts: 4507 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 3:45 AM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I told everyone who wanted to know and some of those that didn't

I now go to the line - I didn't like his girlfriends when people ask why, what happened etc.

I don't have anything to be embarrassed except maybe the fact that I gave him too many chances to change and believed he would.

Now 2 years out his actions have no effect on me. He has embarrassed himself and our children on numerous occasions but that's no longer on me

I think he embarrassed himself enough making it public, that within a week of leaving he updated his FB profile to be 'in a relationship with OW'. I didn't know you could be in a relationship whilst you were married.


"You can never have too much happy!"

Posts: 1135 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
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