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User Topic: Siamese kitten has me suspicious?
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he gets so angry when I bring her up

"why can't you just be nice? Why do you always ask so many questions?"

he "doesn't have time for this shit" and "when will you ever let it go? She means nothing to me!"

If I dropped in he would be angry and say I am checking up on him.

Yup, straight from the manual!

All done to manipulate you!


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my, good job. I have my fingers crossed you will get the answer you need.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1474 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a little confused. You say you have a habit of reading his emails and txts and he lies. He also was looking for a brunette with a big rack. I'm assuming he wasn't meaning ribs.

What are you "suspicious" about? Honestly. If he actually found one? You realize it doesn't matter right? Whether it's office chick or anyone else or even no one else currently. The fact he lies and you are ok with being an observer in your relationship is far from healthy.

Why on earth have you not sat him down and talked to him? Not accused. Just lay out the facts. You lie like you breathe and that ain't ok. Figure out why you do this and what drives it. I won't live with a liar.

You can't have an authentic relationship with a liar. Whether there is anyone else or not. He doesn't have a handle on reality so he sure as shit doesn't have a handle on much else.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey I have an idea. Contact the OW. Say I have some questions to ask you. When I ask my WH he says he doesn't have time to answer and that you mean nothing to him. Then say "are you still having an affair with my H?"

Don't contact OW, but wouldn't it be nice if the OW and OM in our spouses lives could hear what they say about them in our presence.

Good Luck, I have my fingers crossed too.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
TS68
♀ Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uncertainone: you are absolutely spot on. I do feel that way. The problem, as I see it, is that without either an admission of his lying or any kind of admission, I have no solid proof. I have sat him down, I have tried to calmly address it. He retaliates with excuses and more lies. Tells me to just keep sneaking into his phone... He has nothing to hide! And why would he want to bang me if I am constantly distrusting? That is why he has performance issues, mr. Need-sex-all-the-time. Then blame shifts into "you are just like your mother, always suspicious and jealous. You have no self esteem. I cannot tell you these things because you will just blow a gasket.."And on and on in every way imaginable. As far as the brunette with a big rack... He claims that "all guys talk that way and I had to tell (his customer and friend) that because I do a lot of business with them and that is how I have a relationship with him.

Let me make myself clear... I believe NONE of it.

If I don't get some solid proof that he cannot explain away, he will gaslight the world into believing his side of the story. That is why I am still hanging around. That is why I keep digging. I feel like the only way I can come out ahead is to hit him blindsided...

When I have that, believe me, there will be no R!

Sorry for the rant... This is all just so f__cking hard...



Married 20 years

Posts: 201 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow... Seriously you think he has brought her into your home???!! Holy!
I sure hope not.
But you seriously need to just pop in at work unnannounced.
I had a boss that would swat me on the arse with files. He thought it was funny. I knew him his wife and his kids and I told him to stop it. He did. I really don't think he meant that much by it but oh well.
Look point is this is your spouse get his head out of his ass!!! If this going to home and waiting does not pan out then you need to be putting yourself into counseling (for support in real life) and you and him into marriage counseling! He calls this woman and says he was in her neighborhood and thinking of her hell to the NO! That would be enough for me now.. Because I have learned what that means..
Good luck and I hope he doesn't come home with her!


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3187 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Drove my car to a nearby school and walked home. I have suspected they have come here before... Trying to bait...
I hope this works, kinda, just so you have your definite proof.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9662 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
TS68
♀ Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As far as suspecting he has brought her here or someone at least is BC over the summer once I was leaving to take kids to jr golf which takes a good 4 hours. It was early morning and on my way out I said "I think I am just going to skip it with my little one and come home. I am too tired from work yesterday" he acted super weird, jumped up,ran to the door in his underwear saying "what? She really needs to go!!!"

Then he called my cell several times asking what I decided, where am I am I coming home or what... Out of character for him. He usually does not care what I do. Then I remembered him calling me several times over the summer asking if I was at the club ? Yes of course I am dear... It is a good 30 minutes away.

Lastly, I heard said secretary say, regarding our cats "every time I see those cats..." Then she was cut off... ME: so how many times have you seen them? I only recall one
Xmas party at our house...

[This message edited by TS68 at 12:06 PM, September 27th, 2013 (Friday)]



Married 20 years

Posts: 201 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OH this is easy, if he is bringing her to your house, and it sounds like you believe he is, Time to get some nanny cam's, and set those suckers up... Stick to your routines, and I am willing to bet you will have all the hard video evidence you need.
The problem with catching them live in person, is if you catch them before they adjourn to the bedroom, or get nekked that he will manipulate it around, and come up with some bullshit story, of why he brought her to your house. Plus things can get really ugly if all 3 of you are together at confrontation.

I see you say no R. and That's fine, but I would definitely go see an attorney sooner than later, be ready to serve him when you present him the evidence.

((((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8516 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TS
I second the nanny cams!


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3187 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Mauimom1
♀ Member
Member # 35848
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry that your going through this.

There is a larger issue that could be a problem if he is having an EA or a PA. At any time that secretary can sue for sexual harrassment or hostile work environment even if it is a mutual consensual relationship.

This happened to me, and let me tell you we paid $$$$

I hope your husband has EPLI insurance , this helps to cover those types cases. We did not have that coverage.

My husband confessed to an EA with his employee to me only when the shit was about to hit the fan. She sent him a letter that essentially was setting him up for a suit. I think this was her plan from the beginning.

So not only did I have to deal with a blindsided confession but also a litigation nightmare. Then more investigating led me to discover his repeat visits to Asian Massage parlors over the course of years.

All of these activities occurred within the course of a normal day. He was never really gone.

Trust your gut, I had a few suspicions here and there, but nothing really concrete.


Posts: 82 | Registered: Jun 2012
TS68
♀ Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told him once to get rid of her and he said "she could sue me for SH..."
I said wtf?? Why if nothing is going on? Thanks for that last post... Super helpful and something to definitely think about.

I am all over the nanny cam... He is gone all next week. I will be preparing.

He did not take my bait today. Did not even return my text. I will keep trying

Thank you all!!!



Married 20 years

Posts: 201 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
Mauimom1
♀ Member
Member # 35848
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told him once to get rid of her and he said "she could sue me for SH..."

I hate to say it but that statement in itself is proof that something is going on.

If there were no boundaries crossed there would be no worry of a SH suit.

Please protect yourself financially before it's too late. Then get rid of her with advice from HR and a lawyer.


Posts: 82 | Registered: Jun 2012
Mauimom1
♀ Member
Member # 35848
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jeez, I don't know how to put a quote in a box, sorry.

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jun 2012
danni
♀ Member
Member # 30257
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMHO he is or about to have a A. your story mirrors mine for 2 years my WH made me think I was crazy there was something wrong with me.

I should have followed my gut instead of letting him bully me. He was having 2 PAs with 2 OW and A EA with another.
The signs were all there I just refused to see them and let him FOOL ME.

Listen to yourself.

SNOOP SNOOP SNOPP


Danni 47 BS
him WS 47
Married 28+
3 children 21,22,26
1st D-day I was 8mths preg with last child
2nd D-day 4/13/2010
2OW same time frame

R'ing ?? yes, no, maybe, I dont know

This is not the end, this is not the beginning
linkin park


Posts: 328 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: massachusetts
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He tells her during the work day that "he was thinking about her" Really? I'm an executive secretary - never once has my boss called me during the day with something work related and mentioned "he was just thinking about me" -

^^^ Me too...creepy and way too familiar.
Nanny cam for sure. One of my favorite things to do was to not let him know exactly where I was and when.
I will add one thing that no one else here has mentioned:
I've heard that IN THE MARRIAGE if there's an overworking spouse (you?) and an underworking spouse (him?)that the underworking spouse is typically the one who cheats.
I know this was true in my own. Although my WS has a medium to high stress job, his role in the marriage/family was not significant. I was the "default parent" and the "list checker" and the "fixer" who was responsible for everything from bill paying to house cleaning, working my part time job AND going to college-plus keeping track of 3 teenagers.
Although he worked, this still gave him plenty of time to do whatever he wanted.
Also, is he conflict avoidant? Does he have issues with being proactive? Is he always putting out fires?
These are some characteristics I've found are very common in WS. Of course-it doesn't prove he is a cheater, but I wanted to mention it regardless.
Good luck getting what you need to make your decisions.
Being fully informed is the very first step.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
ddame23
♀ Member
Member # 40407
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you have access to the bank records or credit card records? I didn't until after DDay.


Me 42
Him on board, finally
1 5 year old child
D-Day April 18 2013
The whole Truth 7/21/14
Spoke (wrote) too soon more TT 7/23/14
I can't even put into words...

Posts: 57 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Coastal Empire, GA
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh honey.

Frequently has aches and pains, shoulder hurts, feeling sick, ate too much, etc etc.

Guilt guilt guilt guilt and stress from lying. BTDT, got the tee shirt.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6740 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Mauimom1
♀ Member
Member # 35848
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, MyPerfectLife. That is so true in my case.

I'm a full time professional and a full time mother. I do everything. The responsibility of the children and home fall on me. My spouse and I incidentally have the same profession. How is that fair?

I built up resentment for years that he didn't help out much at home or with parenting. He had time for golf and working out. I was too exhausted for anything, including paying attention to my marriage.

I agree the overworking/ under working spouse theory can definitely lead to a downward spiral toward infedelity.


Posts: 82 | Registered: Jun 2012
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mauimom1
t/j- and only since I moved out has he realized just how much I did on a daily basis.
Right now we are doing 50/50 on the boys custody. He has had them all week this week-alone. And he admitted he's overwhelmed.
I have had only myself!
It has been amazing to realize just exactly how pampered he was during our marriage.
Not that he never did ANYTHING, but the balance was not there at times, especially the time frame when he cheated.
I was always the wife who never, ever took time for herself. Always doing for him and the kids. Somehow-he now blames me for this as well. Not in an angry way, just in a "I wanted you to let your hair down" way. I told him that if he'd gotten things done and marked off MY list, I would have felt like it was ok to let my hair down. He didn't get that.
It was like that old joke..."Come sit down honey, you can do the dishes later!"
If I took time for me, it just meant twice as much work for me later.
Living on my own I've realized that no one in my life needs me quite as much as I think they did. And I mean that in a good way. I don't have to constantly be available to everyone, they will survive without it. So, I do more for me now.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
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