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User Topic: I'm Sad
BrooklynGirl
♀ New Member
Member # 40805
Stop  Posted: 9:35 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new here. I was in a 13 year relationship with a MM. (I am also married.)

Our long term love affair just ended yesterday. I was totally in love with this MM. He meant the world to me. We never had any intentions on leaving our spouses. This was decided very early in our relationship.

We became extremely close over the years. We spoke on the phone every day, and saw each other whenever we could. As time went on we were also able to text and send e-mails to each other.

For 11 years, we had lived only 20 minutes from one another. Two years ago I moved with my family to another state. We now lived 4 hours away from each other. As hard as this was, we continued our relationship for another two years. I saw him about every 4-6 weeks, until recently, when we had not seen each other for almost 3 months. Since we lived so far apart, it was getting harder and harder to continue our relationship.

I was having a very rough time dealing with not seeing him, and I then made the decision to end the relationship. I really wanted to end it in person, but it just didn't work out for me to do that. So we ended it over the phone. We both knew that it was inevitable that our relationship would come to an end. It was a miracle that we were able to continue it for an additional two years.

So now it's over. No contact, no nothing ever again.

I thought this somehow would make me feel better because I had tried numerous times over the years to end it and we would always go back to each other. I thought it would be a relief for me to finally end it. The MM told me that he was also going to end it because of the distance between us. He was not surprised and was actually relieved when I told him that I was leaving.

But what I did not expect from him was him telling me that he found someone else and has been with this other person for a few months. (I guess that's why I didn't see him for 3 months!) He is still married to his wife, but is now seeing someone else.

He was cold to me on the phone and was not at all upset that we were ending our 13 year relationship. It was as if we never were together.

I'm very sad for a number of reasons. It's so hard for me to believe that he could just walk away after so many years and not be sad about it. He actually rushed me off the phone and said he had to go.

Did I mean anything at all to him? I just don't understand how he could be so cold to me after all these years? I'm very confused right now. He hurt me very badly by the way he acted when we were ending it.

I honestly don't know what I'm looking for here. I'm just very sad.


Posts: 16 | Registered: Sep 2013
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BrooklynGirl...

Let's start slow because you're obviously hurting.

Does your H know of the affair? How are you going to maintain No Contact?

We'll help you work through your feelings


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198321 | Registered: May 2002
BrooklynGirl
♀ New Member
Member # 40805
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much for responding so quickly. It's nice to know that there are people out there that I can talk to and not have to deal with this alone.

My H knew of my affair in the beginning of the relationship. He thought I was with the OM for about 2 years. My H was very upset, but he did forgive me. We were having problems at the time I got together with the OM, and unfortunately, instead of talking to my H about our issues, I ended up having an affair.

When he found out about the OM, I told him that I had ended it, so my H had no idea that I continued seeing this OM for 11 more years!

I have tried many times over the years to leave the OM, but we just kept on getting back together. But it's completely different this time, and that's why I know that this is the end.

We both agreed that we would never talk to each other or see each other again. Since he told me that he found someone else, he was very ready to end the relationship with me.

I was very upset and decided to throw away pictures and anything else that reminded me of him. I deleted his number from my cell phone so I wouldn't be tempted to text or call him. In the past, when I tried to end it, I never threw anything away or deleted his number.

So this time I know that this is the end and I will never contact him again. He hurt me very badly.


Posts: 16 | Registered: Sep 2013
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does his betrayed wife know?

Your husband and his wife deserve to be told the truth.

I hope the experienced members here will weigh in with their thoughts, suggestions, experience, links and book suggestions.

Stick around. This is going to be uncomfortable, and hurt. And be worth it.

Pretty soon you'll need to stop thinking about your ex affair partner (xAP) hurting you, and instead what you did to your betrayed husband (BH)...and yourself.

Welcome.

JD

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 5:34 AM, September 27th (Friday)]


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to SI!

This is such an awesome place. It has helped me tremendously!

I bumped a thread called "The Life Boat" for you, also another great thread is "Things that every WS needs to know".

I really recommend that you grab yourself a copy of "How to help your spouse heal from your affair: A compact manual for the unfaithful" by Linda J MacDonald. It's a quick, but great read.

I would also confess to your BH. It'll be better than him finding out on his own. It will be scary, really fucking scary, but You can do it!! I wish I had confessed.

I can feel your pain from your post.
Hang in there, it won't always be this bad.

It may get worse before it gets better, but there are a lot of members here, who have stuck it out and healed.

There is hope!

Keep posting. Let us help you.

ETA: I also bumped Maia's Withdrawal Survival Guide for you

[This message edited by broevil at 7:52 AM, September 27th (Friday)]


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was totally in love with this MM. He meant the world to me. We never had any intentions on leaving our spouses

Hmmmmmm. One of these things is not like the other.

Did you mean anything to him? I'm sure you did. Just like he meant something to you. Brooklyn, had you found someone else a bounced, he'd be posting here. It's about rejection. All about rejection. It's not about love or indicates depth of feelings.

While you're hurting very badly you need to start that internal inventory. My words may not break through the pain haze but it will be the start of your healing.

When did you tell yourself an affair was the way to fix your marriage? What thought processes did you use to facilitate that?

Gonna bump a post about rejection. Hang in there. You'll start healing when you begin the work. Honesty. Tell your husband. Transparency. Live authentically. Welcome to SI


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

welcome to SI. There isn't a safer place for you than this forum. You are where you need to be at this moment in your life.
I was totally in love with this MM. He meant the world to me. We never had any intentions on leaving our spouses
Gently - these don't reconcile. Were you planning on living two separate lives for the rest of your life?
Did I mean anything at all to him?
Of course. But not as much as he meant to you. I'd say you meant something to him when he wanted you to mean something to him. Now that he's replaced you with the next OW, you really don't mean a thing because he no longer has a need for you.

I know you're hurting. Nothing about this is easy - NOTHING. You have a long road ahead of you. Your first stop should be telling your husband. He has a right to know. He deserves the truth as does OM's wife.

Keep posting; keep digging - do the work. It's worth it and so are you!


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5978 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Brooklyn girl

Welcome to SI. Get your thick skin ready because you will need it in order to work your way thru this mess.

Honestly your xMM is doing you a huge favor by rebounding to a new girl. Now this can be the beginning of a new authentic way of living.

Would you consider confessing to your BH that you continued the A for 11 more years? I think he has a right to know the second life you have been leading all this time. It's going to be so difficult to do but he deserves the truth.

Have you gone to a counsellor before? I think now is a time that you need to go. Get strength and insight into the problem. Confessing to a counsellor first helps before you do it for real to your husband.

Please read up on those threads that have been bumped. It will help!!!

Good luck and stick around


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 860 | Registered: Jul 2012
BrooklynGirl
♀ New Member
Member # 40805
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much to everyone for welcoming me to SI, and for your help and advice. I am so glad that I came here. I know this will be a good place for me to start healing, feeling better, and getting through this mess.

It's only been two days since my affair ended. On the day we said goodbye to each other, I was crying and extremely upset. I cried yesterday too. But today was different for me. I woke up this morning and realized that this was the best thing that could have happened to me. The OM actually did me a favor by confessing to me that he had found someone else to take my place. I can now see the kind of person he really is and how the entire affair was all about him. So why am I feeling so bad? I should be happy that he is gone.

Something that he said to me really hurt me. He said that I was never concerned about his wife or my husband. He said all I wanted was to please myself. He said I didn't care about anyone but myself. Why would he be so hurtful and say that? I just don't understand it.

So today instead of crying, I became very angry by how he treated me. How could he do this to me after 13 years?!! It's like as if I never existed in his life. I can't believe that he didn't feel anything for me after all these years!

Honestly, I don't know how I feel right now. I want to cry because he's not in my life anymore, but I'm also so angry. Will I ever get over him? Will I ever not think about him anymore?

Uncertainone was so right - I do feel rejected. It is all about the rejection that I'm feeling right now. But how do I get past all of this? When will it get better? When will I feel better? I hope tomorrow will be a better day.


Posts: 16 | Registered: Sep 2013
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said that I was never concerned about his wife or my husband. He said all I wanted was to please myself. He said I didn't care about anyone but myself.
Ummm...I dunno if Genius is aware or not but you were not the only person in this dynamic duo. And he is adding to his notches in his belt. He not only has 1 AP, but 2. Hypocrite much?

I will say this though, he is kinda right. You clearly didn't care about your husband or you wouldn't have cheated on him for 13 years. And you didn't care for his wife either. Course the same can be said for him too. He cared nothing for your husband or his wife. Still doesn't. Obviously, because he's got a new piece of arm candy.

Affairs are meant to feed the ego. Its all about making us feel better about ourselves. Its all about what we can get out of the deal. Its feeding some broken bit inside of us. Affairs are incredibly selfish. So he is kinda right. As much as you don't want to hear that.

Question, if you are this heartbroken and falling apart, how are you hiding that from your husband? Does he suspect anything? I can't yawn and get watery eyes without QS noticing. Just curious about that one.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 10:23 PM, September 27th (Friday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6314 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
BrooklynGirl
♀ New Member
Member # 40805
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aubrie, Yes, you are absolutely right. I didn't think about my husband or his wife. If I had I wouldn't have had an affair for so many years. But why did he have to say this to me? I know what I did and I know it was wrong. I certainly didn't have to hear it, especially from him! Is he just trying to make himself feel better?

In answer to your question about my husband, he has no idea what is going on. I don't cry at home with him. I cry when I'm out by myself. My husband is either very clueless or likes to "stick his head in the sand". But I know this for sure - he does not know what's going on.

I knew from the very beginning that it was wrong and I had tried to end it many times over the years. I did know that it would end one day. What I didn't know is how it would end and I certainly didn't think it would end this way.


Posts: 16 | Registered: Sep 2013
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is he just trying to make himself feel better?
Possibly. And he could be pouring salt in the wound, hurt you as much as possible, so that the chances of you crawling back to him diminish.

There's a saying, "If they cheat *with* you, they'll cheat *on* you." Classic example. You were the unicorn he sought. Till another, more convenient one came along. Truth be told, there is no unicorn. Doesn't exist. We seek something because our souls are starving. For whatever reason. Everyone's is different. We're a black hole, and it doesn't matter what we fill it with, how many times we fill it, its never enough.

Till we can figure out how to put a plug in the bottom of that hole, we're going to keep seeking stuff to fill it with.

You mentioned that your husband is "clueless" or has his "head in the sand". Do you resent him for being that way? Is that the reason you used to seek out your AP? Someone who would listen and pay attention to you?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6314 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a very confusing time and it's further confounded by the fact that all the questions in you head will never really be fully answered.

Many ww's have been where you are right now. I'm glad you had a better day today but some heads up for you, it will be a wild roller coaster of emotions for you for the next few months if not longer.

My advise is to take this all step by step. The FIRST step is to get good at NC and that means mentally too (which is the hard bit and took me a very long time).

I can see the ending of your A this time is different than those in the past. You know when it's REALLY over, you just know and that's the moment one usually reaches out to a site like this to hold them accountable (I know I did). It's not like the other times during a break up when there's a glimmer of hope that it may start up again. This time you're DONE (hopefully) so good for you.

The hardest thing for you over the next few weeks/months is going to be not reaching out to him for comfort and shutting out thoughts of him. This is going to be VERY hard as you're in a HABIT of doing this..

Anytime you feel lonely or have questions, come and post on here.. SI has been a lifesaver for me.. hopefully it will be for you too..


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
BrooklynGirl
♀ New Member
Member # 40805
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, so today was not a good day for me.

I keep thinking about the OM. One minute I'm so angry with him and then the next minute I'm feeling bad and start crying that he's not in my life anymore.

I still can't believe that he is gone and that I'll never talk to him or see him again. I can't believe that we will never text or email each other ever again. That's what makes me feel bad and very sad.

But then I think about the way he ended it with me and how much he hurt me. And this is when I am so angry with him for treating me this way.

What kind of a person does this to another person that they supposedly loved and cared about for 13 years?

On the day we ended it I asked him if we could see each other one last time. He said that he was too busy to get together. I knew then that it was really over.

I wish that I could stop thinking about him. I wish that I could stop thinking about the day we said goodbye.


Posts: 16 | Registered: Sep 2013
outtamymind
♂ Member
Member # 33607
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

An LTA is a very difficult thing to get over. It's not going to happen overnight. In your previous post, you seemed to be ready to move on. Yet in your most recent post, you say you've had a rough day.

You're going to have a long period of ups and downs. It's a roller coaster. You're only going to move on when you come to the realization that your AP didn't love you. It's almost impossible to fathom that a person who seemed to care about you for so long could end it so easily and already have someone else lined up to take your place. The only logical conclusion to explain it is that he didn't love you. You're going to grapple with this in your head for some time.

The quicker you embrace all the rules of "No Contact", the better off you'll be.

You're suffering from withdrawal. You're hurting from rejection. It's going to take time. It took me years to get over my AP. I had an LTA that lasted for several years also. I know how you feel.

Just keep posting here and reading. Go to IC. Work on yourself and do what you can to get your mind off of your AP.


Me: FWS 45

Divorced


Posts: 323 | Registered: Oct 2011
SandAway
♀ Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What kind of a person does this to another person that they supposedly loved and cared about for 13 years?

Time to take a look in the mirror and realize that you have been doing this to you BH all these years also.

You have been given some great advise here. I suggest you go back and reread what has been said. Have your read the suggested posts that were bumped for you?

You have to start understanding that A's are not 'real life'. Affair love is not real love, it can't be. You two didn't share all the hard things in life - it was all fantasy & feel good stuff. You both used each other to make yourselves feel good.

You are at the very beginning of this roller coaster. You can't even begin to heal until your BH and his BW know about your affair.

You want to burst his bubble? Then get mad and contact his BW. Did she know about the A 11 years ago when you two supposedly ended it?

Welcome to SI, keep posting. The journey is long and hard, but you can do this.


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still can't believe that he is gone and that I'll never talk to him or see him again. I can't believe that we will never text or email each other ever again. That's what makes me feel bad and very sad.

But then I think about the way he ended it with me and how much he hurt me. And this is when I am so angry with him for treating me this way.

What kind of a person does this to another person that they supposedly loved and cared about for 13 years?

The OM was really speaking a truth when he was pointing out where your concerns were.
As difficult as it is to hear he was right. He is also a hypocrite because he was and is doing the same thing to his wife.

This man never loved you. He may have loved what you two were doing together, but he was only in it for the extracurricular activity. He gave you what you wanted in order to get what he wanted.

I know it hurts to be duped and tossed aside, however you have done the same to your BH.

You have convinced him you have been faithful. You have convinced him that you ended an affair that lasted 11 years beyond your confession.
Your marriage was never meant for you to have a husband and a boyfriend. If your husband knew ( and he should know) what you did, his devastation would far outweigh what you are feeling now.
I know that this is a forum for you to vent and let your feelings out,however look at another truth and the devastation and betrayal to your BH. Knowing it's wrong and being truly sorry for that wrong are two different things.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2537 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still can't believe that he is gone and that I'll never talk to him or see him again. I can't believe that we will never text or email each other ever again. That's what makes me feel bad and very sad.

This bit is hard, and it's a stage you have to try and get through without breaking NC.

One thing that really helped me was writing xAP letters but never sending them. The letters would be mixed, sometimes full of hate, sometimes full of affection. It doesn't really matter at this stage, they are so that you can vent and get things out your system.

Some people keep the unsent letters as part of a journal. I personally wrote them out on my phone then deleted them straight away.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

read what FRM wrote and go back and read it again. He is sooo right (btw, he is notorious for being right A LOT). What your xOM said to you was painful b/c on some level, you know he's right. Yes, he's a hypocrite but at the end of the day, you are too. You don't have to continue being one, though. You can live your life authentically. It's up to you.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5978 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm at a loss. I've sat here and wrote so many things and erased all of it over... And over... And over... I really don't know what I can put on here that wouldn't get me banned from this forum.

You are clearly in pain. But what were you hoping from this? You have been leading a double life for 13 years. The one you committed to is still by your side. Yet you are upset over losing the one you have been living a lie with.

I have to ask you to genuinely think about your husband and how he would feel in all this.

Read as much as you can on this site. And post as much as you can as well. And I hope you can see the reality of your situation and come to grasp whats really going on here.

[This message edited by nogoodap1 at 6:32 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)]


Me: WBF
Her: BGF
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day #1 2-18-13
D-day #2 6-13-14
D-day #3 8-17-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 129 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 20

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