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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Was that the other shoe I heard?
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rough last 2 months for sure. So, new town, new job/company, MBA program, blah blah. I get an email before I start that says “hello, I have been assigned to be your buddy to help you get incorporated into the company.” I say great, thank you. Meeting is to be held with a group and lunch is provided, but the buddy is female. No biggy, standard big company stuff, EXCEPT there is nothing standard about mine and BW’s life after A and rightly so. Should have been aware of that, usually am. While I was not concerned about my behavior I should have been mindful of BW’s perspective and I was not, didn’t even occur to me, and just looked at it as part of the new hire orientation... TG found the emails and confronted me and I reacted poorly, I was pretty much consumed or focused on new job and pending move and I was angry that we were now arguing and not focusing on me and what I was going through. One of my bad habits is being a mirror to what I receive, so when TG was angry with me I mirrored that right back with “Girl you betta recognize what I am doing and going through” So yeah that didn’t work out for either of us.. Once I was able to take the mirror down and receive what was going on I was able to move forward and be in a space/place for both of us to start to heal/grow from this. Add to that a son who hasn’t been doing well has been --- really no words to describe. I think I have been able to deal with our son’s choices a little better because he is just like TG and they both do things on their terms and I believe that when he decides to get his shit together he will, I have faith in the TG in him.
For me, I still have work to do, creating and maintaining new patterns, not mirroring or getting hyper focused. Recognizing my surroundings, like boundaries has been a mantra for me, one thing I didn’t do well with that is including TG within those boundaries, I believed that if I was safe and good then all was good and that isn’t the case in a relationship. In a relationship the boundaries cannot be exclusive, we can’t and don’t live on adjoining islands. I believe we are and can move forward again.


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
ophelia24
♀ Member
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for sharing this HL. Sounds like its been pretty rough for the two of you.

I admire your insight in recognising how you mirror back anger, as my H does this a lot. And its damaging, not to mention difficult to break through.

I also loved what you wrote about your son having TG in him and the faith you have that he will come right. That was lovely, and is a reminder to me about the traits that my own son has that I hope will see him through this time.

I wish you both all the best. You have done the hard yards, and its a privilege to see you both still sharing your struggles and growth here.


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 255 | Registered: Feb 2013
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believed that if I was safe and good then all was good and that isn’t the case in a relationship

That IS good, HL. It just isn't the complete picture. Connecting with your spouse is so vital in keeping the marriage healthy and one of the reasons we do this to begin with.

I was pretty much consumed or focused on new job and pending move and I was angry that we were now arguing and not focusing on me and what I was going through.

I'm going to challenge you to look at that sentence very closely. I honestly believe that is a microcosm of one of the main problems. You were consumed and focused on your new job and move. Your job. It helps so much when you can see these things as our new job, our move, our new home. Would you manage a project leaving all other members out of the details and the progress, especially when those details and progress affect how they do their part and greatly risk the success of the entire objective? Of course not. So many people do just that to their spouses.

Somehow if your spouse isn't physcially going with you to your new job it's like they vanish completely from the whole scene. They don't though. You're a team. While you both may not be on the exact same mission physically your process, progress, frustrations, achievements are a integral part of the whole deal. Sharing those fosters growth together and gives you a priceless ally as well as someone that can help you when you're struggling.

I was listening to a couple talk at the store and it's like neither spoke a complete sentence. The other knew exactly who they were talking about and what frustration the wife (in this case) was experiencing dealing with her boss. He obviously knew the dynamic fully and was genuinely interested. They both ended up laughing and no one would have a clue why as nothing said would have explained any of it. They had a couple pigeon language they spoke and were fluent in it.

You guys have that. You both know, appreciate, and love one another. No Rosetta Stone needed. Just the mind set.

[This message edited by uncertainone at 5:39 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

O24 thank you.

UO

I'm going to challenge you to look at that sentence very closely. I honestly believe that is a microcosm of one of the main problems. You were consumed and focused on your new job and move. Your job.

I hear this, when it comes to housework or cooking, chores whatever I believe and TG can correct me, I look at it at a team thing. If my back is out TG is AAAWesome with taking care of things, when she is down with something I try to step up, as Puddy would say after painting his face "Gotta support the team".

When it comes to job that is very much where I derive a lot of my self-esteem and that plays into my hyper focus and I believe I need to work on that.


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When it comes to job that is very much where I derive a lot of my self-esteem and that plays into my hyper focus and I believe I need to work on that.
I absolutely agree with this statement and the fact that you can recognize this means you have the ability to shift this dynamic.


FWW - 41
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5846 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Regarding hyperfocus, HL. I have ADD as well. Pretty severe.

""Children and adults with ADD have difficulty shifting attention from one thing to another," says Russell Barkley, Ph.D., a research professor of psychiatry at SUNY Upstate Medical University in Syracuse, New York. "If they're doing something they enjoy or find psychologically rewarding, they'll tend to persist in this behavior after others would normally move on to other things. The brains of people with ADD are drawn to activities that give instant feedback."

Your work is something you do well. It's also a good window for your skills to shine.

Where you and I struggle is in our relationships. It's so hard to rewire that to tackle something challenging that we don't always excel in. We'll use Herculean effort to completely miss the mark. I run into this as well and am working on it too.

I just keep reaching out and trying to be open to feedback and really aware. The people I love are my life and very dear to me. At times you'd never know it. I am changing that. I will change that.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
unforgivable5
♂ Member
Member # 38797
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HL, I like that you have no problem admitting your faults and your eagerness to explore them. You have taught me alot with your honesty. Let me ask you this...

When you received that email from your female buddy, what was your very first thought? Was it... no big deal and TG should/will be ok with this b/c its my job, my boundaries are solid, etc..?

Or was there a microsecond of, "hmmm, a female.... not sure TG is going to like this".


WH
D-day 3/4/13

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Un5, sorry for the delay in responding, was having a great camping trip with TG and youngest son. I have looked at that question before I posted and there are times where my conflict avoidance shows up and I still struggle with that and imagine I will for a long time, just the nature of doing things the same way for 40+ years. When it comes to this issue I do believe it is more an issue of hyper focus on a work only related issue. While the reason had nothing to do with A related stuff it was still unhealthy behavior for me and TG. My focus on work can hurt me too as it will allow me to make unhealthy choices for myself, taking on more than I should, limiting my objectivity to procedures or processes etc. Most importantly it freezes TG out of a part of my life and that is not right. Will she be bored about the life and times of a cost account manager, about how painful earned value management is, absolutely hell I do! But it is her right as my wife to be bored by it and that is where I have to remember that even though it is not A related it is a healthy, authentic mindset that should be there.


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
Topic Posts: 8

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