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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What do I do?
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She said the MC suggested she do the "break-up" in person for closure?

OK. If you can be there! I cry foul!


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She says that once we R she will agree to NC

Wow - nothing like her openly admitting she has a back-up plan.

As for what the MC said (or didn't), it is entirely possible that your MC said one thing and your WW twisted the words so much to meet her needs. She might actually believe in her twisted mind that is really what the MC actually said.

It will be interesting to see what the MC says when you ask for clarification on those things.

I am sorry you are here. If she was really R, she would meet all your requirements. She is laying down her compromising like she gets a say. Sorry - NOPE.

Edited...there is no reason she needs to end it in person. Again, that is only about her wants/needs.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 1:47 PM, September 27th (Friday)]


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2051 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
enesloaja
♀ New Member
Member # 40799
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So just an update on my situation.
She has initiated the NC with the OP Sunday. She did it in person and I guess it is what it is...
We had our first MC appointment on Tuesday which consisted of her trashing me for the entire hour. I owned up to what fit and stood up for what I didn't think fit.
We are going to MC twice per week to try to determine a direction. She stated in the appointment that she isn't yet committed to R.
She will not determine a timeline for our separation and is trying to keep me on a very short leash.
I feel like I am in a very good place with myself and and starting to feel somewhat normal again. I feel like it is really getting to her.
We had dinner out last night as a "family". I am currently homeless and have been staying with my parents, house sitting for my brother this week and my sister this weekend. When I told her I was staying at my sister's for the weekend, during last night's dinner, she became very upset and ruined the dinner. I feel like she wants me to suffer and is making every attempt to ruin what time we spend together. I told her I want to get my own place, closer to work, in a different town maybe 30 minutes away from her. She was upset by this too. She wants me to get a place close to her and doesn't want me to have to buy furniture and things that would be needed for my own place? She says I am liking my new found freedom too much and setting myself up for a new future by myself.
I cannot figure out what the hell she wants from me!
She says moving back in together now would be a disaster.
I have stopped calling her and texting her and only reply to her contacting me.
We also have a dinner date setup for tomorrow night, just the two of us.
She has the mentality that anytime we spend together is uncomfortable.
I want to thank everyone of this forum for all of their input, this is a great resource.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: new york
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This yo-yo shit has to stop, friend.

Cancel dinner. 180 your ass off. NC. Start D proceedings. Close the bakery.

Reading your last post made MY head spin; I can only imagine what it is doing to you.

Sending you strength...


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5024 | Registered: May 2007
toomanyregrets
♂ Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totaly agree with Lalagirl.

Do the 180, HARD.
Lawyer up.

You are NOT the fall back plan.


BH - 64
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This...
She wants me to get a place close to her and doesn't want me to have to buy furniture and things that would be needed for my own place? She says I am liking my new found freedom too much and setting myself up for a new future by myself.
...completely contradicts this...
She says moving back in together now would be a disaster....She has the mentality that anytime we spend together is uncomfortable.
So it's no wonder you're feeling like this...
I cannot figure out what the hell she wants from me!

Get your own place.
Get into IC.
Stone cold 180.
I would even suggest canceling the dinner date. She's clearly not emotionally open to it at all. It seems to be more about keeping you in a holding pattern as her backup plan and avoiding any true consequences of her actions.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3720 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know my post seems harsh - it was not meant to be, but I wanted to be brief but to the point without a bunch of explantions...but I did want to expand on a couple of things I said.

Filing for D does NOT mean you have to D. It often serves as a head-from-ass removal tool for the WS.

The 180 is for YOU...not to "make her change" or "nice her back" - it's for your own sanity.

And NC - this is very important while you are feeling vulnerable and she is playing this game with you. If you do not engage, it's game over.

I am so very sorry you are going through this...there is a member who is going through a very similar sitch (and he's a guy) and has gone through/is going through hell and back...but he has come a very long way with regard to dealing with his WW and I hope he chimes in to lend you some "guy perspective."


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5024 | Registered: May 2007
LifeisCrazy
♂ Member
Member # 38287
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow - I guess I'm just as floored as the previous posters.

Who is calling the shots here? Her? And you're letting her because.... why?

Why are YOU not living in your house? Tell her to get the fuck out - and if she doesn't want to leave then let her know that you'll file for divorce tomorrow.

My biggest regret is not having had the balls to stand up for myself following Dday. I should have demanded what I needed - and if she couldn't or wouldn't follow through, then so be it.

Truth be told, I was so paralyzed by the fear of her leaving and going to the other guy that I couldn't do what I should have. That's because I hadn't yet discovered this site and learned this incredibly powerful lesson:

If she leaves - there's nothing you can do about it. She has already left.

Read that over again and let it sink in.

You kneed to show her that you're not a doormat just waiting for her to decide what she wants. You are her husband - not some teenage boyfriend. You will not be treated like a two-bit chump waiting to see if sweetie-pie wants to hang around.

Knock her ass off the fence and demand what you require.

You will be so much happier knowing that you stood up for yourself.


"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 158 | Registered: Jan 2013
enesloaja
♀ New Member
Member # 40799
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, you guys are consistent I will give you that.
So I text her and tell her I think we should put off dinner until she decides what she wants from this.
She did not like that.
She called me immediately and says, "we need to spend time together. I want to have dinner to help us rekindle the spark".
As a side note, one of her last "dates" with the OM was Sushi, which was always our thing. That's what she wanted to do on our upcoming date!
She admitted that she is having trouble communicating it to me but that she is in NC, MC, checking in with me and wanting one on one time because she IS committed. She says she told the counselor and I that she wasn't committed to R because she can't predict the future...she obviously doesn't understand the difference between reconciling and being reconciled. I don't think she understands the process.
FWIW I would have kicked her ass out but she bought the house prior to our marriage. It's severely underwater anyway. But yeah, I was betrayed and put myself on the street to preserve my sanity.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: new york
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She did not like that.

I'll bet. Game over. See?


put off dinner until she decides what she wants from this

No...until you decide what YOU want, she pulls her head from her rear and does the work required for real R.


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5024 | Registered: May 2007
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Selfish and self-entitled; maybe narcissistic to boot. The only reality is hers.

I would get my own apartment precisely where you want it to be; she has given up her right to define where you live.

Since she is now living on her own are you sure the OM isn't popping around from time to time? Or she isn't playing around with some guy?


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Calabro
♂ Member
Member # 8809
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I don't understand why you let her dictate the terms. She says that once we R she will agree to NC. Now she got balls. All these happening because you ARE allowing. You are not in the hose. Stop all contact except for kids issues (if you have any). No date nights no MC until her affair time line, proof of her affair is over. What she is willing to do the recovery. As long as OM in the picture all these dates and MC sessions is a waist of YOUR time.


NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU FEEL INFERIOR WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT

Posts: 63 | Registered: Nov 2005
standinghere
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 3:48 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All this is very new to both of you.

The counselor is right, assuming they said this, she does not need to give you all the details of the affair if either of the following apply:

1. You don't want the details.
2. She doesn't want to give you the details, despite your wanting them, and is willing to go to divorce over it.

Just keep this in mind. My wife, kind, loving, gentle, never wanted to hurt a soul. Lied to me in MC for months, lied to our counselor, lied about me, lied about our marriage, lied, lied, lied, and lied and gaslighted. It took her 9 years and 2 months after her affair, and 6 months of MC, to come clean and tell the truth. It happened like a sudden avalanche of remorse.

Your wife is not remorseful yet. She may never be. But, it is to early to tell.

You've come to the right place for advice though.

As for this

She says that once we R she will agree to NC!

She is still having an affair, who cares if sex is involved, it is still an active affair.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
enesloaja
♀ New Member
Member # 40799
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, its been nothing but downhill for me. I let her know I was getting a place moving on and not looking back until she was ready for fully committing to R.
She immediately asked me to move back in and that we would both give it all we got for a couple months to see if we can make it work.
Of course I fell for it. Moved back in and tried to do everything I could to make it work. She on the other hand did not. She kept up to NC but that was it. No talking, no feelings nothing. Then I "overheard" her talking to one of her friends about her plan. She had been to a divorce lawyer that day and was going to start the paperwork. She told her friend she was waiting for things to calm down between us and get to a point where she was ready to tell me were getting divorced. She didnt want it to be a nasty divorce and wanted to act like she tried and hope I would accept that and not drag her through hell in the courts, where I have the upper hand.
In the meantime she is back with the OM and I can only assume that is in full bloom.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: new york
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((enesloaja)))

So sorry to hear this. I hope you moved out and are now doing the 180. This with the only contact being about the children. Did you do any of this yet. Get the ball rolling with an attorney and tell her you are dragging her ass through the courts. I absolutely hate to hear that she is treating you this way. YOU DESERVE BETTER.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I contradicted myself don't tell her that you are dragging her ass through the courts. She will figure it out when she gets served.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
enesloaja
♀ New Member
Member # 40799
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't really want to go through a messy divorce either. We discussed a peaceful mediation. We have a 3 yo daughter that is my world and I believe that I can get what I want in mediation as I have many things to hold over her head.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: new york
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Man I'm sorry to see you've had to make your way here. With that being said you came to the right place for advice. Unfortunately I'm still too close to my own DDay to offer anything but support for you. It's all very confusing but hang in there man. Your not alone in this as you can see we are all here too facing the same uphill battle. All the best to you.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 588 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't really want to go through a messy divorce either. We discussed a peaceful mediation. We have a 3 yo daughter that is my world and I believe that I can get what I want in mediation as I have many things to hold over her head.

I totally understand this, I guess what I mean by what I say is not to give her the satisfaction of knowing how things are going to turn out. Right now it seems that she just wants to be in control of every aspect. It wouldn't hurt to throw her a little off balance. Also, it may wake her up as to what she is doing to you. Right now she is worried about what you might do to her, as far as, positions and such.

I think that you are a good person to think about your child in all this and I would never advise otherwise.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
ineedpeace
♀ New Member
Member # 40980
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like she has an emotional connection she doesn't wish to cut ties with even if she has stopped the sexual side (that's a big IF). Either way it's unfair to you. You should take precedence and your relationship should be no. 1 to her. Do not be passive. I've made that mistake before out of fear and I just got my heart trampled even more because of it. State your expectations, if she doesn't agree to them - you have a choice to make. It will be hard either way. But a no contact order should be the first thing she agrees to and abides by it.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Oct 2013
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