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Newest Member: Hurtlostempty (45065)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What do I do?
enesloaja
♀ New Member
Member # 40799
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife of 6 1/2 years completely cut me off emotionally and physically about a month ago. She began hanging out with a group of new people in another town and I immediately grew suspicious. After intensive investigations I had enough information to know she had strayed. After weeks of confrontations she finally admitted to sleeping with another guy multiple times. She has told me they are now only friends but she won't stop talking to him. She agreed to see a MC. I have seen the MC twice on my own and she just went yesterday on her own. We have an appointment together next week. The MC told her that she does not need to give me all the details of the A and my WS still will not agree to NC but insists the PA is over. I don't know what do do, think of feel but I know I need the details and NC before I will consider R. She says that once we R she will agree to NC!

Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: new york
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. The MC is full of shit.
2. Your wife is too.

You know what to do.
Put your foot down and demand the respect you deserve.

You need to be strong - say no hell no - to all that shit.

I'm sorry for the shit sandwich they are serving - now they want you to swallow it with a smile?
Fuck.
That.
Noise!


Posts: 6617 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

eneslonaja,

She wants to keep him as an option. It doesn't sound like you are willing to do this. You are the one who lays down the rule for R not her. Read up on the 180. She still feels like she can have her cake and ice cream too.

((((HUGS)))))


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC told her that she does not need to give me all the details of the A
Interesting that the MC didn't ask what you needed. Fire the MC. No discussion. Just done.

She says that once we R she will agree to NC!
This is a power struggle issue on her part. This is absolutely not the act of a WS who is remorseful. In fact it doesn't even come across as regret. Would she be ok with you continuing to be in touch with the AP if the roles were reversed? Don't ask. She wouldn't give an honest at this point because she's still in the fog.

You say you need the details before you can R. You also need NC.

More importantly you need IC for yourself. Take care of yourself.
Next you need to see an attorney and be prepared. If NC and getting the details are dealbreaker issues for you then you need to be ready to act on that.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3872 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
callmecrazy
♀ Member
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did the MC really say this, or did your WW say she said it?? If that was the MC get a new one. I have found that some will agree w whoever is in front of them and that just makes it worse. Sometimes they need to call bull and risk offending someone. I also think WS sometimes will lie about what they are told to try and continue manipulating the BS.

Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
enesloaja
♀ New Member
Member # 40799
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have done the 180 twice and it only takes a day or two for her to call crying and telling me how guilty she feels and how much she loves me and wants R.

WS told me that the MC said she doesn't have to tell me. I have not seen the MC since their appointment.

I'm seeing guilt but not remorse.

I have seen a lawyer and have that covered.


Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: new york
Gipper
♂ Member
Member # 32232
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is playing you, friend. Listen to what jjct said. She is relying on the fact that you value the marriage more than she does. IF the MC actually said that then fire him/her. IMO, you will getter better information on here on how to navigate through this mess. Good luck.

Posts: 718 | Registered: May 2011
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS told me that the MC said she doesn't have to tell me. I have not seen the MC since their appointment.
I would verify that one then.

I have done the 180 twice and it only takes a day or two for her to call crying and telling me how guilty she feels and how much she loves me and wants R.
Except that she's not backing that up with actions. Remember the 180 is for you, to help you detach so you can act in your own best interests and focus on your health.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3872 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Enes,

I'm sorry and also glad that you know to question WW.

Prior to X being outed, he signed us up for MC but he went or called first and filled the counselor's ears with lies about me and our life. So I spent the sessions-many and a lot of money-in defense of myself but not knowing why.

He also would not truly give up OW to "work" on the M, though once said he would and even wrote a NC letter-I'm not certain it was real, though, to this day.

He, too, can appear to have remorse or say he has remorse and he talks of guilt, but does not show it with actions...so I've come to think of it as a pity party, when the chips are down especially.

I'm sorry that you're having to go through this and just wanted to chime in and say that, like I said, I think you're right to question.

I finally did 180 and the harder I go, the more little messages I get, but now I don't feel the same. And I am wiser.

Yes, I agree with the posts that say to "be strong".

Do you think that things PA are over, or is it just noise and what she thinks that you and the MC may want to hear?


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2239 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
enesloaja
♀ New Member
Member # 40799
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I honestly don't know that it's over. My gut tells me its not and I'm going with that. I called her and let her know I was putting my foot down on NC and wanting the details. She said the MC suggested she do the "break-up" in person for closure?
Concerning the specifics of the A I want to know everything...I think. Can anybody give me some advice on how much info is too much? I want to know who, where, what and when. How many times etc. I'm going to see the MC alone before our appointment together to find out whats going on.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: new york
selkiescot
♀ Member
Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NO! She writea a non contact letter. NO in person break up. I think both her and MC need a wake up call. Time for the 180? You betcha!
As far as info. YOU need to know what YOU need to know.This isn't about her. You can ask for timeline. Or sit her down and ask specific quetions. If it helps write them down. Ask for copies of emails and texts. If it gives you closure ASK. She might fight you but stay firm. YOu are in a fight for your marriage. Also be prepared to see things that will crush you. This is about you.


The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
DDAYs TOO MANY
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1394 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
selkiescot
♀ Member
Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NO! She writea a non contact letter. NO in person break up. I think both her and MC need a wake up call. Time for the 180? You betcha!
As far as info. YOU need to know what YOU need to know.This isn't about her. You can ask for timeline. Or sit her down and ask specific quetions. If it helps write them down. Ask for copies of emails and texts. If it gives you closure ASK. She might fight you but stay firm. YOu are in a fight for your marriage. Also be prepared to see things that will crush you. This is about you.


The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
DDAYs TOO MANY
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1394 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
iwillNOT
♀ Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some things come to mind.

I doubt the MC actually said those things. I would verify that in person. I would bet your wife is the one who wants an in- person goodbye and is manipulating in order to get that.

Also, no, she doesn't HAVE to give you details of the A, or do anything else. Only if she wants to save your relationship.

She needs to do what YOU need for your healing; no one else can dictate what that is. Not even the MC.

No F'ing way to an in person breakup. NO! Letter or email, written and sent together by both of you. That way you know exactly what was said, and for sure that it was sent.

Does her AP have a spouse? Consider outing the A to them. Affairs thrive on secrecy, and the his BW has a right to know.

Regarding the information to ask your wife for about the affair - I think it is highly personal. I was very cautious, I think out of some inner sense of self preservation, and now 6 weeks after Dday I am very glad of it. I asked when, where, how many times, who else knew, did he buy her gifts/take her places. I did not want to know sexual details, what they did, how was it etc. I felt that it would only hurt me and I would never get it out of my head. Of course my biggest question was, and remains, why? How could he do it? Hopefully he can figure that out in IC, and your wife also.

(((enesloaja)))

Good luck, keep us posted.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The MC told her that she does not need to give me all the details of the A

When I read this I thought Hummmm...I think your WW is lying.

She said the MC suggested she do the "break-up" in person for closure?

LOL!!! Now I know she is lying.

Does she think you just fell off the turnip truck?!?

Don't fall for that bullshit!!

She has no remorse. Just regret for being found out. And now she wants to play games and lie.

Its time for the 180 for longer than 2 or 3 days. Ditch her. Cut off her phone. Stop handing her cash. And please (if there is one) let the OM BW or BGF know about their nasty trysts.

This is serious business. Tell her to cut the crap or hit the road.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 5:31 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She said the MC suggested she do the "break-up" in person for closure?

I wish I could have seen this happen, in a public place, with me so close I could see & hear everything, without the OW knowing who I was.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello brother, sorry to see you here but you have gotten great advice so far . I do not wish this on anyone because believe me I know the pain. But it is here for you now! You sound real intelligent so deep down inside I think you know the truth and what has to be done , just like I did. She is showing all the signs of other cheating spouses! All. Lying, manipulating , I would check bank accounts and things of that nature too. I am sure by now you realize that she is not the wife you married! The whole MC thing is bullcrap. My stbxww did the exact same thing.you said you saw a lawyer already , file. Go through with it , you can always stop it. It is a long process and maybe it will wake her up! I know you don't want this or divorce, nobody here does but we and you did not ask for or cause this . Do the 180 , show no weakness, stay strong on your needs and demands for healing and forget her for now. Focus on you , gym, yoga, golf, whatever it is you do. But stay strong to force her to play that hand . I know this is easier said than done because I still fall after 6 months of D day and in middle of divorce as she has a full time boyfriend. So I know how hard it is and just know you are not alone brother we are here for you and with you. All the best to you but I think in your gut you know the truth and what you have to do ! Now connect the gut to the brain!


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 662 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Broken1Again
♀ Member
Member # 32211
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been sitting here for the last 10 minutes trying to come to a logical conclusion as to why the MC would say those things. Your WS knows you're going to see the MC so she knows you're going to find out the truth so one of two things is going on from a logical standpoint:

1) Your wife has now become what most AP become, pathological liars. She is lying to get what she wants and doesn't care that you will find out what the MC says. She will cross that bridge when she gets there.

OR

2) the MC is in an A herself/himself and is projecting what she would want on to your WS. There is NO WAY in heck any MC worth their salt would suggest to someone that they "break" up in person?? Really, that's a recipe for disaster. "Oh let's have break up sex". Come on...Who is this MC??? Fire them immediately if it turns out they said all of this, because chances are pretty high they aren't going from the book of reason. They are going by the book of their own deception.

You should read the book "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass and your spouse should too and maybe the MC should too.

[This message edited by Broken1Again at 11:41 AM, September 27th (Friday)]


BS: 40
WS: 42
Two boys 13/11
Married 15 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. Believe WS has bad boundaries and craves the attention.
In R.

Posts: 881 | Registered: May 2011
toomanyregrets
♂ Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need another MC.

NC means NC - PERIOD !!!
NO in-person contact with the OM.

Maybe filing for D or at least have the papers drawn up may Wake your WW up.

[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 12:18 PM, September 27th (Friday)]


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 469 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fWH "tried" to break-up with OW for 7 months before d-day. Every single time he "ended" it, she wanted one last time and they f@cked. This would have gone on forever. It stops with NC and tons of behavior modification for the WS.

Either your MC is bat-shit crazy, or WW is lying.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome. Great advice so far, and I have to say you are doing a fabulous job on staying stong, and navigating this shitstorm.

Ok so we assume that your W is lying because well we know she is a liar. We can also assume that the MC would not have said those things. I'm just curious what your response was when she said they had to end it/break up/agree to NC in person. Did you call her out on it?
I would personally demand that if it's done face to face you get to be there.

She doesn't get it, and has had no lasting consquences. Time to give her the requirements for you to consider R'ing with a deadline, in the meantime move forward with filing. Some WS's don't get it until it is very real that the BS will be able to move on, and be fine without them, and some WS's never get it. But you as the BS deserve more. You shouldn't be an option or a choice, she puts on the show, and says the right things, but so far her actions say quite the opposite.

I have to admit I actually Ha'd out loud when I read she told you the MC recommends an in person "breakup" . What a bunch of bullshit. I got the closure meeting thing too, of course mine was done behind my back, and after the NC letter was sent.

The WS is a delusional, fool. All WS's while in the A are Delusional fools, and they honestly believe we are all just too dumb to get it.

You are doing well. Keep posting, keep reading. Welcome.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8594 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 41
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