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User Topic: Should I?
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's away on a business for two days. His laptop is home and off and his Ipad is home. Should I attempt to log on?

I know most will probably say no. That NC = No new hurts. I just can't shake this nagging feeling that he has another email address through his Iphone/Icloud set up.

He has changed his password to his LinkedIn accounts and has other accounts that he has changed his passwords for as well.

Hell, even part of me is saying not to, but I just can't shake this feeling.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you have a feeling something is going on, I'm NOT in the no-new-hurts camp--especially not with a lengthy d-day history and recent changed passwords. (Have you asked about those? That is a big red flag, IMO.)

I know it hurts, but I'd far rather have confirmation of my suspicions (or learn that they are misplaced).

I'm sorry you're facing this. Millions of hugs to you.

[This message edited by solus sto at 7:04 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8543 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To what purpose, SD? To what end? What will you do with the information? Will it just hurt you, or will it spur you to make some kind of decision?

Living in limbo sucks, but unless you really believe that any new knowledge will help you in any way, don't do it.

Snooping for snooping's sake is a drug (believe me, I know.) I told myself all kinds of lies, like 'knowledge is power' or 'I'm protecting myself', but it wasn't true.

I will say that snooping did lead me to break from the X. When I found out that he was going to visit her family, it was the final straw (in a situation that I should have finalized long before I got to that point.)


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20009 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it hurts, but I'd far rather have confirmation of my suspicions (or learn that they are misplaced).

Solus, his is my thinking as well. I'd rather find out that it's just my paranoia, but on the flip side I also feel that while we're married I have the right to know what he's hiding. I'm not sure if that makes sense.

I know I should ask for the passwords. I also know that if I do I won't get them until he's wiped everything clean.

To what purpose, SD? To what end? What will you do with the information?

It would either confirm my suspicions or it will let me know that I've turned into a paranoid freak. If I find out he's doing something I can hold onto that information. If he's not doing anything, then fine.

It won't build my trust because he refuses to talk to me about it, he still has his secrets. Hell, on top of all that, I know that he's logged onto AFF during the last week of August this year.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would.

One of the things that drives me crazy is that I ignored so many nagging feelings before.

Never again.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1076 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Eudaimonia
♀ Member
Member # 32445
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So then the question becomes: what happens if you find something?


So long, and thanks for all the fish!

Posts: 472 | Registered: Jun 2011
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It won't build my trust because he refuses to talk to me about it, he still has his secrets. Hell, on top of all that, I know that he's logged onto AFF during the last week of August this year.

If you found nothing you'd think you were a paranoid freak? Seriously? You already found something. Look at the above paragraph. He's standing in front of you screaming, "I don't care and I'm going to do exactly what the fuck I want to do" and you're saying, "what? You want to go to the zoo? I got part of that, I think...our connection must be bad".

You know, simply. You aren't paranoid. You aren't a freak. You know and you are fighting with yourself. It's not about him at all. Stop working against your self. Join sides and get this asshole out of your life. You'll find you have an amazing ally. She's got your six. She'll get you through this. Just listen to her and work with her.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hell, on top of all that, I know that he's logged onto AFF during the last week of August this year.

You need to realize you are in a 1 sided open marriage. Either learn to accept that, or consider moving on. After all this time, you are not going to change your WH and he does not appear to want to change.

So sorry for what you are going through.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5634 | Registered: Aug 2007
FeelingMN
♂ Member
Member # 32240
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you should do it but I think you have to have perspective when you do it. What are you looking for? Where are you looking? What do you have to find/not find to satisfy your desire to look. I got obsessed and wouldn't stop until I "found" something when there really wasn't anything to find. I wasted a lot of time down that rabbit hole.


Me 41
fWW 37
DD(19), DS(17), DD(11) (Mine, hers, ours)
Together 14y, Married 12
DDay Aug 2010, 4 mos TT & gaslighting
ONS + EA after 15yr Class reunion out of state

Posts: 267 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Minnesota
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would, usually when you feel like somethings not right, it.isn't.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4911 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if this helps.
I had opportunities to sleuth in the beginning, during False R.
I didn't because I wasn't ready to act upon it or to be hurt by it. I wanted to believe WH was telling the truth.
When I was ready for answers one way or the other, I started looking.
WH came home from a deployment and moved out the next day. He swore he was using the time to get his head right and his actions right with God.
My instinct called out BS. So I hired a PI. Up until that point he hadn't physically seen his mistress in 3 years. It had all been an EA after we moved to a different state. I told myself that an EA was wrong, but I could possibly take him back if he jumped through some very high WS hoops of true R.
And, if my gut was right and he had moved her here, I needed to know to be at peace when I changed LS to D.
And....she answered the door when the PI knocked.
I've already spoken to my attorney and waiting for her to get back with me on the paperwork to file D.
So, I guess I'm saying the same as other posts.
If you want to know when your gut is already telling you something, then you already know. What will you do with any knowledge gained, be hurt and broken further? Or, will it be knowledge is power and motivate an action from you...or an inaction as in NC and 180?
Good luck with whatever choice you make.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2213 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that knowing real information is better than being in the dark, but I'm in the camp here asking you, SD, what will you do?

To that end, I will say that when I found out, it was difficult to confront without a plan and would be better with one...then, what's the plan when you get a reply? And so on it goes, like dominoes.

But I can only imagine being left alone with X's electronics, as they were more important than his wallet towards the end and never out of sight or open when I walked by.

If you have nagging it's probably for a reason. I also think of it as our "Jiminy Cricket" or conscience and I know that mine bugs the tar out of me until I satisfy it. So I give you much credit.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2197 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
doubleboggy
♂ Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't just try to log on, if you can't find the password then call and ask him for the password. You have the right to know.


D Day: 3/31/13

Posts: 100 | Registered: Sep 2013
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't done anything yet.

If I do decide to log on, then anything I find would simply go into a folder and held with the rest of my evidence.

The last time I confronted him about whether or not he still cared about me his response was "I don't know, I haven't thought about." So I can only imagine if I did confront him with anything else his response would be "Yeah, so." Just because that's his usual response when confronted about how he treats our son.

I already have a plan in place on what I want and will do as soon as I have a job. That's the key right there, though. I need a job. I don't have any family that can take us in so I need to be able to stand on my own two feet.

I have applications in with two companies right now and I apply for anything that I can find with my skill set, so I am trying. I'm not just sitting here stewing.

Doubleboggy, I can get on without his password. I just have to hit F8 and enter his computer into safe mode and go from there. I've done it before after my first Dday.

I'm a little more nervous about getting onto his ipad because I don't know if there's some sort of app that would send an alert to his iphone and let him know his ipad was touched. I don't know how Apple works.

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 3:06 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Topic Posts: 14

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