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User Topic: Oldest Daughter and Her Boyfriend
♀ Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's a straight A student, now facing an honor code violation at school her junior year that could impact her college acceptance later on.

2cool, I hardly doubt it. Seriously she skipped a pep rally (who hasn't ), sat in her car at school talking to her boyfriend? Don't turn this into criminal activity. It's pretty normal teenage stuff. Forging her moms signature isn't ok, again, not unheard of. Why couldn't she just ask you if she could stay home? She's a straight A student who sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders. She's going to trip & stumble once in awhile. Help her up, guide her & keep communication open.

Most teens experience sex at around 16 or 17, it's not uncommon & thank your lucky stars she feels safe enough to talk to you. Keep communication open with her, don't punish her or the boyfriend - you kind of broke her confidence by telling the BF's mom. Did she know you we're doing this & is she ok? It could cause a lot of embarrassment for her & keep her from being honest in the future.
Don't restrict the BF from coming over, instead have him included in family activities; family movies, dinner, sporting events.... Seems the more WE liked lucky daughters boyfriends the less she did
I know you're in shock & feel disappointment but she's really a very normal teenager - really above average if you break everything down bit by bit.

[This message edited by Lucky at 9:02 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]

♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥

Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
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Member # 19408
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I appreciate the insights...this has been very helpful in developing a response.

For clarification, our rule has always been that they not be alone in a house without other people there. Sure they can be alone. Just not in his house when his mother is away or at our house when we are away. That's not extreme.

Also, the kids attend a private college preparatory school. Honor code violations are a serious event and result in disciplinary penalties like grade point deductions and suspensions. These impact over GPA, and are reported to college admissions boards. So yeah, it's important.

We've talked A LOT about respect these past couple of days. Respect for her body and herself, and her future. We've separated the behaviors, the school and house rule violations, and the sex into two different issues. Her restriction is for the grades, forged permission forms for the day off and other school code violations. In response to her sexual activity we've responded (thanks in no small part to a few of you here) with appreciation for the honesty and a commitment to help her stay safe and protected.

I have no way of knowing if the roadside event was her first, or even if that's how it happened. She said it did, but she could be lying about having gone someplace else. Either way I think the real possibility of low self esteem and self image and self respect needs to be explored.

She is going for a consultation with a psychologist next week. This was her request, that she go talk with someone not a school counselor but a real experienced real-world counselor. Done, we are doing that. Also, she's got her next appointment with the OBGYN next week too. Her endocrinologist (she's type 1 diabetic on an insulin pump) appointment is in two weeks and she always asks about her sexual experience...guess she'll get a different answer this time!

Enough rambling and I hope I don't come off snarky. Everyone is different but we all love our kids. Thank you all for the well intended posts and PMs.



Posts: 68 | Registered: May 2008
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Member # 34465
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My daughter is 16 in 6 months. I sure hope we have established the kind of relationship that will make it easy for her to confide in me. It would be better to have the 'before' dialogue, granted but to feel safe enough to have the 'after' is the next best thing.

The door is now open to continue the discussion, reinforcing aspects of self respect and safety. That opportunity could be lost if your reaction takes away her comfort of speaking honestly with you.

Take a deep breath and temper your reaction. Be thrilled that your daughter spoke with you. Remember siblings will be watching and learning.

You are responsible for your own happiness :)

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jan 2012
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Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, I'm confused.... Which of your rules did she break? From what you write, being alone together in the car wasn't forbidden, and you didn't forbid sex.

You can't protect your kids with prohibitions. The only way to protect them is to raise them with good values and good self-esteem. It sounds like you did that. Lemon pie has some necessary tartness, after all - sounds like you have a great daughter.

Kids grow up. Didn't you think you were pretty grown up at 16?

I'm really sorry you're hurting about this. It was going to happen sometime, though. Later would have been better, but that was always outside your control. Remember, for most of history, though, 16 year olds were full-fledged adults.

Again, I'm really sorry you're hurting about this.

If you think this was a failure on your part, stop. You can't control anybody but yourself.

[This message edited by sisoon at 4:16 PM, September 28th (Saturday)]

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10374 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
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Member # 19024
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gotta (semi) go with the majority.. Be thankful your DD did tell you..

My oldest (son) was 13YO when he had sex for the first time & believe me I was devastated but my WH showed me that we had raised him right in him telling us..

same DS got into trouble at school & was suspended for 3 days.. Now prior to his one incident he was a straight A honor student as well (& was after too) & the suspension did NOTHING to his college applications/acceptance.. In fact it wasn't even on his transcripts (he was only 17YO) so please don't worry about it affecting her in that way..

Now, as to how I semi agree with everyone.. I have a soon to be 16YO DD & I would be heartsick if she told me she had sex.. I know it's not fair & sounds double standardly but somehow I think once she does it will affect me MUCH more than when my sons did.. I want her to remain our baby ..
try to keep the lines of communication open.. I'm glad I did with our DS's & so far DD has been open with us

"Sorry" works when a mistake is made, but not when trust is broken. So in life, make mistakes, but never break trust. Because forgiving is easy, but forgetting & trusting again is sometimes impossible

Posts: 4784 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Not in Philly.. it's just a screen name :-)
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Member # 9772
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Obviously we don't know all the facts, but I'm concerned that you suddenly decided the boy was bad news after this happened. I think it's a mistake to pin this all on the boy, and thereby absolve her of taking part in it.

One, she may have wanted it to happen just as much as he did. And two, it puts her in the role of victim.

Also, given all their restrictions clearly in the car was the only way it was going to happen without them breaking your rules. So maybe it has less to do with low self-esteem than it has to do with logistics?

It's great that she's talking to you and vice versa.

[This message edited by notmeanymore at 6:57 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]

"Put the cuckoo back in the clock baby" - Four Brothers

Posts: 872 | Registered: Feb 2006
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Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Notmeanymore is spot on.
I had girls chasing my boys. I stood and watched a girl closing the door to the room they were in! I had to slam the door open and threaten to take it off the hinges. I had a son that was a virgin tell college. Another had sex at 12 totally shocked and it was at her house where was those parents?

Sounds like she is a smart young lady!

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
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