SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Reading through that thread reminded me of something I had forgotten. We were on a cruise...first trip we had taken together in years. It was three months before D-day. We were at an island market. He was snooping around trying to find some pot. I got upset because he had promised me he would not do this on our vacation. I walked off pretty upset. I did a circuit around the market and went back to where he was. He was gone. Started looking around for him, saw him stalking off in the opposite direction of the shuttle boat back to the cruise ship. I catch up with him and he is irate, pissed that I 'walked off' on him. He snaps his hand away from mine and shouts that he'll find his way back himself. I convince him to come back the right way. He does but he's walking ahead of me and I'm jogging to keep up. We get on the shuttle boat and he starts berating me as if I was a child. I can't help it, I start crying and beg him to please lower his voice this isn't the time or the place. But he persisted. Then when the boat got to the cruise ship, he walks off and boards on his own. I waited until everyone else was off the boat because I just couldn't get up in front of all those people. I was so embarassed and humiliated. The rest of the vacation was ruined.

Why was I so spineless? Why didn't I tell him to go fuck himself? That I was not going to be treated that way?

I remember that evening, looking down at the water and wishing I had the guts to jump. Thank god I had Teslet waiting at home for me.

I am so much better off without that piece of shit in my life. I forget how much I've changed for the better since D-day. I never, ever want to be that person in that kind of relationship again.

I am so much better off without that piece of shit in my life. I forget how much I've changed for the better since D-day. I never, ever want to be that person in that kind of relationship again.

My relationship was just slightly different, but these words really speak to me.

((Tesla))

I've also been there.

For me, we were at a retirement party for someone that I didn't know. He spent the entire evening at the bar talking to some old guy, while I sat all alone at a table. I was so embarrassed.

I finally got up, walked out, and drove myself home. He didn't even realize that I had left for 2 more hours. He bummed a ride home.

FTG.

(((Tesla)))

I'm glad you don't have to live like that anymore.

(((tesla)))

I went to IC tonight. We talked about being chosen and the qualities that made us desirable. One of the memories for me was from very early, first dates early.

We were shopping together. He was impatient because we weren't being waited on fast enough to have a dressing room unlocked. He WHISTLED at the girl across the store to come open the dressing room. I was humiliated and embarrassed and furious. He thought it was amusing, both the girl's reaction and mine (shock and horror.) After we left the store, he repeatedly tried to get me to "discuss" it with him in the mall. He verbally taunted me until I was furious, but kept my public face on, saying through gritted teeth, "I am not having this discussion right now, right here."

Boy, did I pass with flying colors the will be manipulated and humiliated and still present perfect family face to the world test...

Change a few of the details and that was me.

There have been times when I don't know why I put up with all the crap he pulled me through.

Then I remember - I had no self confidence. I thought I didn't deserve any better. My family conditioned me to feel that way.

I like to think I would never put up with all that now - at least I hope I wouldn't.

I often say I am so much better off now that he isn't in my life. I don't envy OW#4 (the one he married) at all.

There are so many things I've achieved, experienced, and been able to do that never would have happened if we were still together.

I'm stuck on this thread. Can't stop thinking about it.

I remember when I was first dating STBX, he lived in another city. I went to visit for the weekend. I must have found something to indicate he was already *probably* cheating on me. Our relationship was still very new. And I remember getting into a huge fight about it, with him gaslighting me, and me yelling and crying, and then I just ran out of his apartment and ran thought the streets until I found a quiet stoop to sit on.

And after a while, it was cold, and embarrassing, and probably dangerous. And my clothing and wallet and plane ticket were at his apartment. And it became easier to believe his lies - after all, he was such a great guy, and so cool and successful, and everyone LOVED him. And his apartment was warm and safe. And he was really good-looking and so INTERESTING. So I went back.

And there it started.

It's painful for me to even write these words because by the time I separated from him, nearly 20 years later, he was a diagnosed SA and undiagnosed NPD. God, why didn't I run the other way?

I do know that I've come a long way since the S two years ago. I still deal with the worst of him during anything divorce-related, but otherwise, there is finally PEACE in my life. Waking up and knowing that things can be black-and-white, and I don't have to deal with the lies, the NPD, the loudness, the chaos, the drama, the danger. And the scenes - I've recently realized that nearly every time we went out to a restaurant or on vacation, we ended up in some quiet disagreement - or argument. Nearly all of them were about his mysterious whereabouts, or his lack of responsibility, etc.

UGH.

NEVER AGAIN. Peace, and a simple, honest life. Those are my goals for myself, whether or not I find someone to share them with me.

Oh yes, the walking on eggshells and hoping, praying, and wishing no one would look at him sideways in a restaurant or store.

No more scenes, no more drama, and no more tantrums.

I try not to look back very often because I feel sad for that young naive girl I was. But then I remember life is much better now.

[This message edited by travels at 8:58 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

I am so much better off without that piece of shit in my life. I forget how much I've changed for the better since D-day. I never, ever want to be that person in that kind of relationship again.

I had a similar feeling that you did. But, instead of looking down at the dark swirling water....I imagined cutting my wrists and ending things. The day my XWH asked me for the 2nd and final separation that would lead to him asking for a divorce. I remember lying on our marital bed, not being able to move.....wondering what I could have done differently.... wondering where I had gone wrong.....wondering if I had fought hard enough to keep us together..... not understanding how he could do this to me to US! I just wanted to die. He was my life. I had put everything that was me into a box....and tossed it into that same ocean that you speak of and forgotten it and wrapped everything that was who I was into a man....a man unworthy of me taking my life... a man unworthy of even a 2nd thought.... a 2nd glance! I look back and am so thankful that I never attempted to kill myself....that I never gave him that final satisfaction. When I think of him now....all I see is a heartless....smug.....callus monster.... and I am so glad to be rid of him.

I should thank him.... because if he hadn't left me...I would never have met Piper's father.... and wouldn't have my daughter. And, she is the light of my world!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 9:03 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

((((Everyone)))))

You know, when ex-shat shot off that billion word text a couple of weeks ago, I could see all his same tactics...all the shit that I used to fall for. Every. Time. I was co-dependent. I didn't think I deserved better.

That buried memory brought those feelings of hopelessness and emptiness back. So many times I wished for oblivion.

Wow.

Glad I climbed out of that shit hole.

I am so much better off without that piece of shit in my life. I forget how much I've changed for the better since D-day. I never, ever want to be that person in that kind of relationship again.

AMEN!

I look back now and think - why didn't I tell him to fuck the fuck off?! Or why didn't I do this or that or the other thing (all being very mean, proud and strong).

I realize I didn't at the time because it wasn't *me* to say or do those type of things.

And you know what? I'm more happy for me staying true to ME; maybe I didn't have a lot of proud moments at that time, but I did what was right for *ME* at the time...right or wrong, good or bad, proud or pussy; I was me and that is 110% okay with me today.

I do remember thinking early on; Wanna - you don't ever want to look back and regret a single moment. And I don't.

I may not have handled things the way my BFF would have or even how my WS would have had the shoe been on the other foot - but I really do not ever regret a moment. They weren't all great, but there were times he needed to hear some lowdown shit, and he did. There were also other times I walked away essentially when we both could've heard/said the lowdown shit. LOL!

Either way, I really don't ever feel bad about ME and how *I* behaved. I did what I thought was right and that's okay.

[This message edited by wannabenormal at 10:11 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

As I read this thread I am struck at the courage and strength and chutzpah you all have. You survived. You came through it stronger. You are powerful and wise. Bravo!

I am so much better off without that piece of shit in my life. I forget how much I've changed for the better since D-day. I never, ever want to be that person in that kind of relationship again.

Me too. That thread triggered some stuff in me too. I was that mother all stressed out because my toddler and baby were stressing their stress-head father out.

When my big girl was 8m old we went to a friends wedding in Italy. 30 hours door to door. It was the first time he had spent so much time with our baby.

Of course 7 hours in she does a number 4 - all up her back, sleeping bag and bedding soaked through. I was beside myself.

As I'm picking her up out of the bassinet some poop drops on my foot and I say oh my god - please grab the change pack and meet me in the bathroom.

He says wait a sec - let me put my shoes on, all leisurely and kinda annoyed. WTF? I rush off with my dripping baby.

He gets to the bathroom and tells me off for not waiting for him. I lost it. FOR FUCKS SAKE DO YOU SEE WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE? I don't need another fucking child right now so if you can't STFU then piss off back to your seat.

As anyone knows it's hard enough to do a piss in an aeroplane bathroom let alone change a baby covered in poop.

I did it all myself just as I had been doing it all myself for the whole 8m of her life. I was so mad and sad - who WAS this guy? I cried quietly in that bathroom - I still remember my little giggling baby grinning at me because the wipes tickled.

He didn't speak to me for the rest of the flight.

I too am amazed at what I turned into. I was weak and angry. I still don't understand why I waited for a DD.

Never again, my friend. Never again.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 6:37 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]

Having had the true pleasure and honor of meeting you, all this is so hard to imagine..

You are a very intelligent and attractive woman and did not need to be with this jerkface.

He did you a big favor as it got you away from him and his asshattery!

I like that word you came up with!

Oh, how these people were so similar.

I also remember a huge red flag about how he treated "service people". If our service, food, whatever wasn't perfect in a restaurant, he would berate the server, then ask for the manager and berate them until he got the food for free. I was mortified and asking him to "please stop". He ignored me.

I learned, when I saw the first signs of this, to leave the restaurant and wait in the car. THAT was my solution.

He chastised me, degraded me and patronized me, and I let him.

I stayed because I believed that was what marriage should be...being there for each other. "Til death do you part. I was committed to the relationship, and later my family...so I stayed. I swallowed everything I believed in for the betterment of the relationship.

I don't think that we are broken, damaged, anything kind of people because we STAYED. That doesn't make us weak. It made us committed to someone through "good times and bad times", taking our vows seriously. I don't feel bad for staying because I know my reasoning was right.

I think the issue now, for me, is knowing I deserve better the next go-round. So, when a tiny flag is raised with someone new, I start struggling. Then the guilt surfaces for even having to struggle (because I don't think it is fair for someone else to deal with my triggers), then I shut down.

I remember how good it was to start dating good men, men who walked next to me instead of in front of me. Men who show respect to waiters. Watching my girlfriends H's treat them with respect and kindness. Knowing there ARE good people out there. When I see a man treat a woman WELL in public...I smile now.

I will never be that woman who walks 3 feet behind her man again.

I stayed because I believed that was what marriage should be...being there for each other. "Til death do you part. I was committed to the relationship, and later my family...so I stayed. I swallowed everything I believed in for the betterment of the relationship.

Even though we weren't married, I can relate to the above totally.

men who walked next to me instead of in front of me.

I will never be that woman who walks 3 feet behind her man again.

This too. It bothered me so much and I never said anything about it. I just tried to keep up. It's an awful feeling.

I have a story too.

When the twins were 9 months old he wanted them to be baptized in his faith. I wouldn't consider him very religious but I am not at all religious and did it because it was important to him.

At the after party, the godmother who is a 50 year old (40's at the time) bottle blonde who likes to dance and be the center of attention had some music on very loud and was dancing alone in the party room of my sister's condo.

My relatives that were there were in part very elderly. My sister (who I admit does not take any shit from anyone and is quite confrontational) decided to turn the music down since my 75 year old uncle was cringing at the volume of the music (techno dance crap). This started a bit of a fight with my sister, god mother and ex.

Ex decided to leave the party.

He stormed out. I followed him to the elevator and tried to find out why he was so upset. I was saying that I didn't think it was appropriate nor did I know that there would be dancing at a daytime baptism party for 2 9 month old children.

He said that "you never support me and you never take my side with your sister and you never wanted them to be baptised in the first place."

Somehow I convinced him to come back to the party and he sulked and gave dirty looks to my sister the whole time.

I felt like shit and to this day I don't know what I did wrong of if I actually did do anything wrong.

He did the same thing over and over at parties and while on vacation.

This thread has really brought out some stuff for me.

[This message edited by Lola2kids at 8:50 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]

I remember when Banana Girl 2 was a baby, we were all in Quizno's and I was standing there in line when she threw up all over me and the floor. And all ex-asshat did was yell at me for not getting her out of there fast enough. He didn't even try to help me or our two other bananas. He was more worried about the other customers than us.

I finally went out to the car to try to clean us up, crying all the while. Why I just took it and felt guilty to boot just amazes me now.

((tesla))

Been there too. :(