These things were so sporadic that when he *said* them, I was able to chalk it up to the *heat of the moment* because when I later talked to him about what a dick he was being -- he would apologize and tell me that he didn't mean it and "of course that's not what he thought. He was just mad."

Plus. He traveled a lot so we didn't spend long periods of strung-together time at home. AND, at the time, I had NO idea that he was such a freaking *playa*.....due to all of the previous conversations we had, I believed that we shared the same basic values and goals <-- again, because he was such a good fucking liar.

But now I see all of it very clearly for what it was, not the illusion that was being spun.... and I am so much happier NOT having to deal with all of it. Even on my really bad days, there is no way that I could go back to living like that.

I don't know if it helps or not, but I'll bet that any of the people that witnessed that event were thinking about what a dick he was.......I think that you did the right thing in the moment by keeping quiet. You know that if you had "talked back", he would've just ramped up it and gotten worse. The good news is that you will never deal with that kind of crap again. Lesson learned.

My courtship, engagement and marriage were all very quick. Then, true to the pattern, I was pregnant with DS within 4-5 months of our marriage. We decided at that time to take a trip to the beach.

We got to the city, which was unfamiliar and quite confusing to navigate. We were looking for a particular restaurant that ex's parents had recommended but we couldn't find it. Eventually we stopped to buy a map from a pharmacy, got back in the truck and started driving.

Ex wanted me to navigate but something just wasn't working for me. The map didn't make sense. I couldn't tell where we were, where we needed to go, or how to get there. He began pressuring me, berating me, and belittling me, and it eventually escalated into him screaming at me.

I was stunned. The hormones got the better of me and I started crying. We pulled over and he got out of the truck to smoke a cigarette and study the map. I'm still sobbing in the truck.

I forget now what all was said (I tend to block the bad memories out- which is why I can't remember half of my marriage! ) but the jist was that he thought I was intentionally not reading the map just to anger him. He thought I wanted to exasperate him and goad him into screaming at me. What kind of sense does that make?! But I bought it, hook, line, and sinker. We finally made it to the restaurant where we ate and actually enjoyed it, but dinner was strained and tense. My eyes were all puffy and red and I had a terrible headache from sobbing. We went straight from the restaurant to the hotel and I promptly went to bed because even after the Tylenol, my head was still hurting. Ex went fishing off the pier.

4 months into our marriage.

Things went downhill from there, and moments like the above were repeated in our house frequently. Until I finally got the guts to leave after his A.

This really resonated with me.

I did it all myself just as I had been doing it all myself for the whole 8m of her life. I was so mad and sad - who WAS this guy? I cried quietly in that bathroom - I still remember my little giggling baby grinning at me because the wipes tickled.

He didn't speak to me for the rest of the flight.

I too am amazed at what I turned into. I was weak and angry. I still
don't understand why I waited for a DD.

Never again, my friend. Never again.

I also was the one who took care of DS when he was born. It was solely my responsibility. I rationalized it away that I was on maternity leave so I SHOULD be the one taking care of DS. Things never changed even after I went back to work. Also, I dealt with a complication for like 4 months from my C-sect that totally fucked with my head, anxiety levels through the roof. It was sometime during the first postpartum year that he had his A. WHILE his wife was sitting at home nursing herself back to health (both physical and emotional/mental) alone, and taking care of our DS. Alone.

Never again. I hear ya.

((((everyone))))

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 2:04 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]

I remember a couple of years after DS1 was born I got pregnant. I kind of freaked out because it was unexpected, and I am a planner. If I don't know what is going to happen next and when, I get severe anxiety. So I shared my anxiety with my husband expecting (needing) a hug and reassurance. Instead he started screaming at me, told me I was a bad mother, and looked at my coldly while I stood there and sobbed. A couple of weeks later I lost the baby. About a month later I got pregnant with DS2.

Why did I put up with this shit? Why didn't I see red flags when he NEVER wanted to sit next to me on the couch, or hold my hand, or walk next to me, or touch me in any capacity. Why did his lack of interest in sex not set off alarm bells? Or the fact that he showed no interest in me whatsoever? How could I have been so blind? So stupid? How did I think any of this was remotely normal?