"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in." -Cohen
I was raised LDS, but left the church when I was 23. My parents had a temple marriage, and ultimately infidelity led to their divorce. My grandfather also left his eternal bride for a younger woman - abandoned his family, and raised her children instead.
While I do not have experience with temple marriage myself, I do understand the unique perspective that LDS culture brings to the conversations happening here.
I would encourage you to read through the Healing Library and find comfort in the stories of others...please know that you aren't alone on this journey.
I haven't been here very long, but do remember this thread, and perhaps it might help you find other likeminded connections:
There are some LDS books out there dealing with infidelity, I'd be happy to give you titles of some if you'd like. Some are even good for the remorseful FWS who is ready to hear about working on themselves and moving forward in life.
LC, I know it seems overwhelming and traumatic and out of control. Time will help give you the distance you need from the trauma, and talking about it will help you process the infidelity and accept it, and MC/IC reading books, etc. will help you work on healing your M after all this. Your WH has to be 100% in on this though, you can't do any of this alone. Pray often, and never forget that Heavenly Father loves you, He knows what you're going through, and He is always there to comfort you. He has never forsaken you and never will. Sadly, our WS's have their own free agency and they have chosen to use it in the wrong way... that is on THEM, not on Heavenly Father.
It will get better LC, I can promise you that. I communicate with a few LDS people on here and they are all getting stronger each and every day. Not all of their marriages are working out the way they want, but they are all getting stronger and healing every day. Feel free to PM me anytime you would like.
Likewise, reconcile? Maybe. Endure? Never. I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me. And I'm worth more than that.
To be more precisely honest, though, reconciliation does take endurance. We have to endure heartache and trust issues and fog and slips--but only with a truly penitent spouse committed to his own recovery and ours. Does that make sense?
Sometimes, we LDS tend to isolate ourselves on SI and communicate via private message. That's okay. To each her own. But I find value in belonging to this sisterhood of betrayed women, too. We have much to teach each other. Besides, sometimes my long-term focus on eternity needs a kick in the pants when it distorts my view of the present. KWIM?
Besides, sometimes my long-term focus on eternity needs a kick in the pants when it distorts my view of the present. KWIM?
An elderly nun once said of the fervent young nuns, who were so full of the glory of God that "they were so focused on heaven, that they were of no earthly use to anyone."
I try to remember that, when I get too much into my head instead of showing by my actions. Or watching anyone else's words/actions. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I had always felt the way you do--damned if I do and damned if I don't. I'd tried to, albeit unsuccessfully, explain it to him, to say I'd prefer to tell him something twice rather than worry about not telling him at all. We have a busy family with his crazy schedule, four active children, and my own activities. I just need the freedom to repeat myself without worrying that someone will get upset that I'm repeating. Is it so hard, I've asked, to just say, SWEETLY, "I know, Mom/Honey. You told me yesterday. Thanks for the reminder."?
Anyway, I've begun to write EVERYTHING on a monster grid calendar on our refrigerator. I try NOT to remind. It's easier with him than with the kids. I pay--often--if they forget something important. He's actually forgotten a couple things I've arranged with him. Once, I asked if he could come home early to pick up a child so that I could attend a retirement party for a coworker who's also the wife of one of his coworkers. He said yes. I did NOT remind him. But when our child asked, in front of my WH, about the pick up that day, I told him it was his daddy's responsibility. WH was quiet for a minute, then he said he'd forgotten, but that he'd take care of it. That has happened another time, too. I think he might prefer reminders, but he's getting what he wanted. As long as his forgetfulness doesn't impact me, then I'm okay with it.
Does any of that make sense? You might think of asking, when you leave for some destination, if he thinks the two of you should take jackets or if it would be handy to have two cars or . . . If he says no, then let him reap the consequences. Let him grow up. If he can't allow you to lovingly try to meet his needs, then don't try to meet them at all. Maybe it truthfully bothers him. If so, then you should stop. Maybe he'll find out that the only reason it bothers him is that he's in the fog still and ANYTHING you do bothers him. Been in that situation. Sometimes it's hard to differentiate. But it's worth it.
[This message edited by RippedSoul at 4:55 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)]
Lost, I've had similar conversations with my WH. In our MC, he actually (ironically) used the word "trust" when describing to her how he felt when I don't "trust" his judgment about something. She explained to him that partners of addicts tend to--because they can't control the addict--try to control everything else possible. So she explained that my trying to make sure (to use your examples) that he had a jacket or had taken medicine was just a coping mechanism developed over the years and did NOT mean I didn't trust his judgment.
He has often called me a control freak - I actually have NO control over anything in my life!
One thing Ive learned through all Ive been through (not only the A but all the other craptasitic things of life) is that the one person who knows and understands what Im going through is Jesus. He suffered for all of our sins and because of that no matter what pain I am in I can turn to him and he understands.