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User Topic: You have to be willing to end the marriage to save it.
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Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After Dday, we had agreed to R. Not to try to R, but to R. I had set my rules, and expectations, and consequences.
However he kept breaking NC, and the hiding it. It took me a while to find my strong. When I did, I placed a keylogger on the computer, and within 24 hours had my proof.

Simply, this wasn't a game, this wasn't a ploy, this wasn't to save my M. This was "I am done".
I very calmly returned home from work, where I had read the email exchange between the two. I handed him my wedding ring, said I knew he was still in contact with her, and was planning yet another time to meet up. Go ahead, call her, set it up, I am done. Very Calmly I said all this. No tears, no questioning, no begging. Pack your shit and go. Get out. I will contact you later this week to set up a time for you to see the kids. I am done.

THAT MOMENT, THAT was the ONE when he FINALLY got it. He spent the next bit getting his toiletries together, going to the basement to find a box, snot running down his face, actual boohoo crying. That was when he realized I did this, this is all on me. I ruined a marriage with a woman who loves me so much that she was willing to give me another chance, I won't see my kids everyday, she won't be a doormat anymore.

I can say that he actually never left the house. After he packed for a while, and boo hoo'd and packed some more, I went in and said, you seem to finally get it. It's sad that it took me getting to this point for you to finally see. He begged me for one last chance. I gave it. From that day forward it was different.

But yes I reached the point where I was done. I deserved more, my kids deserved more, and I was not a good role model for them, being this sad, broken, tear riddled doormat. I deserved more, and so did my kids.

We got it too.

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8722 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
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Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The first time around, WS had me convinced that it was partly my fault that he had the affair. And our counselor rugsweeped the affair, so I was left with a WS that was angry with me, blame shifting, and no real professional support to help us through it. I was shell shocked, desperate to save my family, and letting myself be blamed for everything that went wrong.

So he went back to OW. Because in his mind, he could. He blamed me, the counselor put blame on why not? He was still angry. I was working on myself at the time though, getting stronger, taking care of myself, reading and learning this was NOT my fault. I was fixing the problems I had helped contribute to the marriage, but I certainly did not make the choice to turn outside the marriage to validate myself.

I caught him the second time around. Within two hours of catching them, I had a house to move into, an apt with a lawyer, and $$ that was MINE ONLY to move me and my girls out. I was done. I saw the lawyer the next day. I came home and told him we were done, and we were splitting everything 50/50. I wasn't going to screw him because he was, despite everything, a good Dad to our girls and I didn't want them to suffer while with him.

That woke him up. That I was leaving, but not being a bitch about it, and I was going to be ok....he realized this was on him and him only. It scared him.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 17 years
2 children
2 DDays

Posts: 256 | Registered: Aug 2013
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Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow Niaveone, your and my turning points are similar.
I had been to an attorney prior to Dday, so I knew how that was going to play.

I also wasn't leaving my house since my sister was my neighbor, and my parents lived two houses away. I figured he didn't want to live in the "compound". LOL.

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8722 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
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Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's more you have to be willing to end the relationship/marriage to save yourself.

If your partner can do what's necessary and you still want to try that's great.

In my case it wasn't my choices that ended my marriage. I did what I should have done and got a divorce. He still stalks me, wants to get back together, tells the boys we'll be a family, calls me his wife to his friends, supposedly doesn't date

That's not love, though. None of it. That's "I lost my possession and I want it back"

To me if someone needs to lose me to try to keep me that's not a relationship I want. It's the certainty of having me and still wanting to work through, with, for our relationship that is someone I'm willing to invest in. That's for me though. I know me and if I'm willing to end the relationship, I'm gone anyway. I'll always wave bye if they want to. I'd honestly think that would be much easier. I hated having to make that choice. Dreamed he would but he didn't.

Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth

Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
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Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was legally seperated and on my way to D (waiting period) from June until April of the following year. I moved out, bought a home, started rebuilding my life. WH started IC in December, came to me in March and asked me to go to MC with him to either R or atleast to rebuild so we could properly co-parent. After several months of MC with talk of R the MC said we had to "take the leap" and move back in together and fully commit to R. It was a really difficult choice but I took the leap. That was seven years ago (about 11 months post dday).
I am married and reconciled because I want to be, not because I need to be. If I have to I can and will live well without my H.


Posts: 1635 | Registered: Mar 2006
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Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was so angry and hurt that I filed for D immediately. I was working out of state when OW called me about the LTA. I immediately got on a plane the next day and flew home, made an appointment with my attorney, and filed the papers.

Unfortuntately, I was not in my right mind to make that kind of decision, so I stopped the process and then we went through a year of false R before OW outed him again. Then I had realtors looking at our home to sell it and end the marriage, again I didn't do it. (all of this before SI)

Now, I am still not sure what would have happened if I had not stopped it. WH#2 as far as I can tell is no longer cheating, but he is a rug sweeper and refuses to discuss the A. He just wants it to all go away now.

I am not happy, but I am not miserable either, which I guess is a good thing in a way. I wished I had went through with the D now. I think at least mentally and I know physically I would be in a better place, but who knows???

It's a gamble either way you go. I agree that if you are doing it to bring him out of the fog and to try and save your marriage it doesn't always happen that way. You have to mean it and he needs to do alot of work on himself to stop it. I wished I had known this when I filed, but I let my broken heart get in the way.

With XWH#1 I was done and I meant it and I have never regretted it except for the number he did on my kids. It is a hard choice to make and one that I think every BS struggles with the most. Only you can decide what is best for you. (((HUGS)))

M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Sad in AZ
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Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to be willing to end the marriage to save it

Nope; not true. I've never seen anything like this on SI. Perhaps you've seen, "If you file for divorce, you have to be willing to end your marriage." In other words, don't use divorce as a threat; mean what you say.

Yes, of course, some have filed for divorce and their WSs have pulled their head out of their asses at the 11th hour. A few have even divorced and remarried. But don't use filing for divorce as a gambit to save your marriage. Use divorce to get away from a toxic situation that you can no longer survive. Remember--this is all about surviving infidelity.

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20292 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
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Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Sad in AZ" very true what you say. Yes, you do have to be ready and willing to walk away from the marriage and end it IF you file for divorce regardless if it is a bluff or not.

BUT the one thing you have on your side if you file for divorce is the fact that maybe you can get the truth. I know in my case I will never get the truth even after 9 years. I now see that I should have filed for divorce for my own piece of mind just to know the truth even IF it had only been a bluff.

With that said, the bluff could have turned into the real deal, but I would have given myself time to figure out IF that is what I wanted or not in my own solace. In my case it was more likely that I would have been the one to bug out and not him. There would have been no HB or no other obstacle to get in my way of thinking. Just me making my own decision.

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 11:18 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]

Posts: 2465 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do believe in this as I can attest to it. But I do want to say that this is different for all situations. Meaning if you DO NOT have a remorseful WS, if they are still in affair mode and will not be truthful and full transparency then I do believe that this is the only way to go. You have to be willing to lose what you don't have. "Love Must Be Tough" is a good book by Dobson to read about this. You cannot hold onto what you don't have. If they are still lying, staying out at all hours, hiding things from you, treating you horribly...then your only way to find yourself again is to be firm and start D proceedings.

Now if you have a WS who is truly sorry, doing everything they can, doing NC, giving you access to all passwords...then different story.

Its entirely up to each individual but if you are strong enough to believe in you and you alone (and I had kids as well) then you can make it thru this with being willing to leave the marriage.

This is JMO.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
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Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I spent the first few months of our separation basically begging him to work things out. His A was EA up to 3 months after he left. Once he visited her and it moved to a PA in July, I had what could only be classified as a mental breakdown. I spent 4 days straight crying and finally asked my doctor for meds.

Once the ADs and Ambien helped me get my head straight, I started functioning again. I focused on me and my boys. At 6 months (October 2012), I told him I was finally ready to let go. I had talked to a lawyer and while I didn't want a divorce, I was ready to move on with my life. THAT conversation was his turning point. We started talking and eventually dating again. He moved home 10 months after he left.

While telling him I was ready to file was his catalyst, I did not go to the lawyer to scare him. I went to protect me and my boys. And to try to move on with my life. I had no idea that he would react the way he did. I had all of my ducks in a row and had finally accepted that I was going to be a single mom.

I was ready to end my marriage to save ME, not my marriage.

I don't think it's a good idea to use separation or divorce as a play to get the wayward spouse back. It may backfire on you...

Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
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Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to be willing to end the marriage to save it

Nope; not true. I've never seen anything like this on SI. Perhaps you've seen, "If you file for divorce, you have to be willing to end your marriage." In other words, don't use divorce as a threat; mean what you say.

I actually have seen the above statement on SI, and yet what Sad says is true.

I think people are taking the context of this statement a little too literally however. Sure, don't go filing for divorce as a passive aggressive means to force the changes you want. That is just dumb.

However, you can not let fear of ending the marriage control you. When you find out, you have to take some bold actions to find out the truth, stop the affair, make your partner choose between the marriage and the affair. If you are not willing to end the marriage, you will try to play it safe, take half measures, demand less than is required for fear of angering your spouse, in short, you will enable the affair to continue just so long as it is not in your face.

The first step towards saving your marriage is accepting that sharing your spouse is worse than losing them. Accepting that whatever you may have thought, your marriage as it stands is not good when it includes an affair, and if the affair can not be dealt with and ended, then the marriage should be.

Once you accept this reality, then you will be in a much better position to do what is necessary to save your marriage.

Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.

Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
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Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went from a snivelling wreck desperate to hold onto FWH to a strong, independant woman the day I found out we'd been in 9 months of false R.

The next day I stopped taking FWH's calls and saw a lawyer and filed.

FWH was, at that point, still blaming me for everything and stated I had ruined his life ( widdle OW dumped him when she realised he hadn't broken all contact with me during those months of S like he was telling her he had ).

Anyway, at that point I didn't want to D him but he left me with no choice. I guess my bullshit metre was so full that I had nowhere left to go!

I fully intended to D him and started to take the necessary steps.

It was only when FWH was served with the actual reasons for my wanting a D a few weeks later that he got smacked upside the head and realised he was to blame and was also going to lose the only person who truly loved him. Then the fog lifted in an instant!

He didn't outright ask for R at that point. He sent me a letter apologising and asking if we could remain friends as he didn't want me to be out of his life and he wanted to be given the chance to prove to me that he could change.

A few weeks after that I stopped the D and we R but the papers remained filed until about 12 months ago when we wrote wills as the lawyer needed our M certificate to complete this legal process so I had to sign an affidavit with the court to say I was stopping the D to get the certificate .. otherwise it'd still be filed!

Anyway, I have told people on here that sometimes it takes them filing to wake the WS up and get them out of their fog BUT I always say this isn't an absolute and they should only file because D is their only option and not as a bartering chip. .... Although a side effect is that the WS then sees the strong side of the BS and that garners respect from them. I do feel that we BS don't help ourselves by crying, begging and being ever available to our WS as we just make their fantasy world all the more appealing when we act like weak, pathetic doormats. (I'm not blaming any BS here for that. I'm just mentioning it and I hold my hands up as I cried and begged for months ).

Sometimes- D works because the WS 'sees' something worthy of respect in our actions when we put our big girl pants on and say "No more- I am worth far more than the crap you dish out Mister ( or Mrs) so bye bye loser!"

My FWH admitted to me after we R that all those months of begging made him see me as pathetic and made it easier for him to justify his A as he saw a wife unworthy of him! When I D him he saw the old, fiery MrsDoubtfire that he fell in love with returning and that stirred something in him.

I hope this all makes sense?

BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeć

Posts: 1583 | Registered: Jul 2009
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Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amen to that "MrsDoubtfire" amen to that.

And that is exactly what I mean when I say that in filing for D it is very beneficial to the BS in the fact that WE ourselves can now have our own quiet time to figure out what WE want to do rather than the crying, begging, little doormats some of us become. I so wish I had filed for this reason. The icing on the cake would have been that I would have gotten the truth out of him which will never happen at this point. And yes, had I filed I would have indeed been ready to walk the walk and more than likely would have.

Posts: 2465 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For way too long I "played the game" with all my heart, hoping desperately that my "next move" --short of actually filing for divorce --would be the move that would wake up my wife and bring her back to her family.

In the process I lost my dignity, my masculinity, my pride, my integrity...everything.

First I tried to understand.
I agreed: it surely was at least in part my fault. Maybe admitting this would lead her back into my arms.

The cake eating continued as my soul withered.

I threatened divorce five times over two years. She wept. And continued her affair. My soul died some more.

I agreed that she should move out, to "heal and grow." For "space." The affair continued.

She moved back in, declaring she was ready to commit to me and our family. NC with AP lasted a grand total of two weeks. Maybe. She moved back out "to find a path back to us." (I shake my head in disbelief when I remember these words.). Of course she moved back out to continue her affair. I died some more as my children suffered some more.

Finally, my trump card, my last desperate move: I filed. She wept. She apologized. She continued her affair in my face.

When she realized that I was truly serious, she became the most vile, vindictive, malicious woman--this love of my life. And continues to be as the divorce is becoming more ugly.

My "final move" is no longer a ploy to win her back. It is proving to be the hardest--and best--decision of my life as I am largely emotionally detached from a toxic, cruel woman. My only regret, as so many have said, is that I did not have the strength to divorce her two years ago.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 8:07 PM, September 27th (Friday)]

Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
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Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After much back and forth and several attempts at false R, I did calmly file for D.
The drama did not stop there, but continued on.
Although he swears he wants the marriage to work he's shown me no real reason for ME to fight for it. I fought for the first 4 months when he wasn't fighting.
Now that we have custody and financial issues going back and forth between our attorneys I think the reality is sinking in and he's desperate, remorseful and full of regret.
However-here's the thing:
When a BS gets to the point where they truly are willing to end the marriage, sometimes it really, honestly is too late for the WS to make amends and change.
So remember, if this is your "last stand", use it as the last stand. It's an expensive "bluff" and emotionally exhausting.
My D could be finalized within weeks. WS is panicked and says he wants "one last push" to save the marriage.
I don't know what that means, or what that would look like...or if I even want to see it. The more I think about divorce, the more it seems healthier than reconciliation.

I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
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Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remember--this is all about surviving infidelity.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
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Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A month after DDay I was encouraged to file by SI members. WH was not remorseful but I loved him and still hoped something would wake him up. I filed because it was purely intolerable to be so disrespected. He did not wake up. The D was finalized a year and a half later.

Five years out from DDay and I'm well out of the mindset of the marriage I am glad I filed and walked away. I am glad that we did not R, because I know he would have done a half assed job and I would have to have put up with a lot of crap.

I'm glad I've got another chance at love and life now in my new beginning.

BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5863 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
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Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree.

But I also agree that it cannot be a strategy to shock the WS back into the relationship.

In my case when I discovered what he had been up to I was convinced he planned to leave me.

Looking back I cannot believe I managed to keep my feelings hidden for almost 2 weeks.

During that time I told our adult children we were divorcing and why, I saw an attorney, found out my rights if we divorced, got our property assets split (don't ask me the details but we are no longer "sharing" ownership of property , we each own half). This may seem semantic but it means that I can leave my half of our assets to my children and there is nothing he can do about it. I changed my will so that the kids get my share of everything. This was very important to me as I literally had nightmares about OW3 living in my house and being a grandma to my grandchildren. At the end of my will my attorney advised me to put a statement that my FWH was to get none of my share of our assets because of infidelity throughout the M. He told me no court will overturn this.

I confronted him a couple of weeks later. I tried for hours to get him to leave. He pleaded to let him stay and I finally relented only because I was exhausted. I told him that his whores might be willing to share him with me but that I would never knowingly share him with another woman. That if I found out he was ever in any way unfaithful again that would be the end. I told him about the will and even told him my plans for after we D'd. I was serious and he knew I meant it.

So... after 3.5 years we are still together. But I won't be changing my will. My FWH knows what I have done and why. He has not mentioned it since I told him.

We are not wealthy but do have some assets. FWH would be able to live quite comfortably on his share once the family farm was sold if I died. But there is no way the whores are going to benefit from my hard work.

So right from Day 1 have been willing to lose the M. I didn't want the M I had with the type of person he was then (aside from the infidelity) and I told him this.

As for the will. It stays as it is. I will never change it.

Even now I am willing to lose the M. If he is unfaithful again or treats me badly (as he did for many years before dday) then I will D him.

HUGS to all


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2754 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
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