Three months after learning the man was "unhappy," things weren't adding up (odometer readings, excessive grooming, weight loss). I contacted a lawyer for a consult.
We were in an awkward spot and I was walking on eggshells. Once I heard "unhappy" all bets were off. A few weeks later I got independent confirmation that the man went to lunch with a woman then back to her place for a few hours. I filed a few days later then confronted him and told him I had filed. He said she was a "good friend" and that he knew I would be jealous so he didn't tell me. (She is his medical assistant.)
I told him a million times that even though I filed I hoped the filing would die out of the court system and we would work things out. (I even told him that was why I did not have him served.) He dropped our chances of the marriage working from 25% to 1%.
We limped along for four months, with him sort of acting like things may work. What he really did was begin to sneak around and ramp up activity with "good friend." (He must have thought he was soooo smart.)
Four months after initial filing - I was still in a bit of denial about his relationship with her - I caught him myself at what had become their usual pickup/dropoff spot. (He didn't know I knew.) He finally admitted that yes, he was having an affair, and started sleeping on the couch.
I told him I planned to serve him and he asked for a few days to "process things." He didn't say a peep about any of it several days later. So I brought it up. Got some runaround and crazy talk.
After he told the kids - when they asked for the 20th time where he was every Wednesday afternoon, his half day - that he had been spending time with "good friend" and told me "I knew I should have f'ing left a long time ago" I knew I had to be done. So I served him. (I told him I was going to.)
At one point he said he didn't like ultimatums and admitted that his pride was greater than his love for me. (He didn't take kindly to being "sued" by me because after xx years of practicing medicine he had never been sued, blah, blah, blah.)
20 months after filing, 16 months after serving and 4 months after officially becoming a single divorced mom of two I still question the sequence of events: Should I have confronted, then filed? Not filed? Tried something else?
In the end, though, he knew I had filed and continued to slink around with his friend. He refused counseling, would not transfer her to another office, showed no real signs of remorse. So I think the outcome was always going to be the same.
It really, really stinks. Broke my heart into a million pieces. I would have done just about anything short of allowing him to pal around with his friend to save my marriage. But I guess it was never really up to me.
I suppose I was willing to give up the marriage, but after 24 years together and 16 years of marriage I sure as hell didn't want to.
Being the one to file did give me a little sense of control over my life. In the end I did not get what I wanted but it was probably inevitable.
And that "good friend"? He testified at deposition that their relationship had evolved into one of a romantic nature. Imagine that!
One bright spot: I'm not awake until 4 or 5 a.m. Saturdays and Sundays waiting for him to come home from "playing poker."
Being alone is better than being with someone who didn't want to fight for me or our marriage.
[This message edited by shockandeww at 6:38 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]