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User Topic: Does love mean no expectations? One guru thinks so. You?
Ms_Strong
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Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While searching online for how to cope with a LDR, I came across someone on tinybuddha called Guy Neden. He says: "Wouldn’t it be much better if you and your partner entered a relationship and committed to becoming the best people you both can be while sharing your love with each other? No needs, no expectations, no obligations. Do you see how in a relationship like that, love has the freedom to grow into something truly amazing?"
Do you agree with the above? No expectations? That sounds like a cop-out to me - being in a relationship does have expectations (e.g.: not seeing another person, especially if you're married). Or in my particular case, if in an LDR, both people are expected to make a trip back and forth.
Your thoughts?


Me: 40, happily divorced Dec11
D-Day #1 - 9th Jan 11, D-Day #2 - 13th Jan 11
Kids - 4, 8 yrs

Posts: 269 | Registered: Jan 2011
Sad in AZ
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Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't seen the article, but I believe he's using 'expectations' in a broader way, not a day-to-day connotation. It's still a difficult concept to grasp.

It's sort of an idealistic way of looking at life, and rarely achievable, but, yes, living your life without expectations (everyone will love me; I deserve happiness; etc.) leads to a more content life. It's part of the concept of being present and living in the moment. Very zen...


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19781 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
circe
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Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At first glance and out of any other context, it sounds like a sales pitch for an open relationship.

I guess each point could be argued based on what context you give it - can you be married but not 'need' your partner? Yes in some senses, no in others. Can you be in a relationship without expectations? Of course not (in most cases) but then there are some ways to phrase it that you could argue for it. Same with obligations - depends on how you use the word.

I mean think of it as a relationship with your parents or children. Do you NEED them? Yes and no. Are you obligated to them? Yes and no. Do you have expectations of them? Yes and no. Same in a romantic relationship.


Posts: 3183 | Registered: Mar 2005
StillGoing
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Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wouldn’t it be much better if you and your partner entered a relationship and committed to becoming the best people you both can be while sharing your love with each other? No needs, no expectations, no obligations. Do you see how in a relationship like that, love has the freedom to grow into something truly amazing?"

The problem with that idea is it is an oxymoron because it can only really work with certain basic expectations like.. committing to becoming the best people you can be, sharing love with each other. Those two things alone carry nuanced distinctions between individuals. To me that involves honesty and communication - and those manifest in many different ways.

IMO a better idea is trying to believe your spouse is always making a good faith effort and any shortcomings were not intentional. Granted I can see the irony in that given our location but this is about idealism and as these things go I prefer that.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7341 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
GraceisGood
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Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I completely agree with the quote.

BUT(ha ha already contradicting myself right?).....I believe many factors would have to be in place for it to work as one would hope.

Also, there is an expectation set up in the quote (which to me already invalidates the premise some)

"Wouldn’t it be much better if you and your partner entered a relationship and committed to becoming the best people you both can be while sharing your love with each other?

There is the "expectation" that you and your partner are both committed to ......

No needs, no expectations, no obligations

As shown above, of course there have to be some expectations, all relationships have some base ones or there is no relationship IMO.

Yet, many relationships have expectations that are not necessary to base a relationship on, many people put the burden of their needs on the other, many do things in a relationship not out of love, but out of obligation, I know it is comforting for me to have a partner who is monogamous irregardless of their reason, but wouldn't it be even more "meaningful" if they did it out of a desire for themselves, not obligation to a commitment? Meaning they value themselves and their integrity above all, so no matter who they are commited to they will be monogamous as that is their moral code personally, not just because they "made a promise or said a vow".

I do see (aside from the base expectations needed to form a relationship) expectations, needs and obligations to be limiting and hindering for many. Opportunity can be squelched if one focuses on expectations, needs and obligations to be sure.

Also, I will not be disappointed as much if I do not put those expectations/needs/obligations onto another, because others will let us down, it is just life.

As SadinAZ said, it is very zen, which is all about reducing and eliminating suffering which is done by dropping expectations, stop expecting things in life to be fair, stop expecting if you do the right thing you will be treated fairly/correctly, stop expecting a promotion because you give 150 percent to your job, so when you do not get the promotion, and you are treated poorly you will not have the added pain of the expectation to deal with as well. Do the right thing for yourself, give all to your job because you choose to irregardless of how others react or respond to that, be it positive or negative.

Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3433 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
aesir
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Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think there is a difference between expectations of character and expectations of outcome. I think a lot of people go into relationships with an expectation of outcome being more important to them than expectations of character.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
circe
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Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well said, aesir.

Posts: 3183 | Registered: Mar 2005
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