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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: saw something today at Walmart
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually in the Walmart parking lot. I was taking my empty buggy to the cart holder in the parking lot. There was an older woman who was clearly triggering and observing a family on the other side of my car from where we were.

The family was two small children and a man and a woman. I heard the woman say "I'll put him in (the car seat) so he can stop getting on your nerves." Then she addresses the boy and begs him to not act in a way that gets the man upset. Her voice is loud and grating but she is putting herself between the man and the kids.

I was uncomfortable. I did not want to "see" that family, and I was uncomfortable because I did not want to "see" the triggering stranger and I was uncomfortable because I did not want to remember that same scenario played out over and over again in my own past.

Why does this imbalance of power play out over and over again in families? Why are grown ups begging children to be quiet so that the consequence is not an angry selfish out of control adult? This is not tag team parenting. It is irresponsible behavior by one GROWN UP affecting the other three members of his family and rippling out through the parking lot.

Some days I feel such despair.

I am friendly and like to speak to strangers. I could not make eye contact with the older lady who watched across the parking lot with shadows on her face. I could not intervene for the family, knowing that public attention would make it so much worse later. There were two police cars in the lot, but it is not against the law to be a bad parent.

So sad.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5842 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you. Now that my eyes have been opened to verbal and emotional abuse, I see so much of it. I just want to tell people (men and women) that they don't have to take it. And then I wonder how much of XWH's abuse was visible to others and whether we ever made anyone trigger or uncomfortable.

I don't know why so many people (including my past self) put up with so much less than we deserve.

Sorry you had to witness this.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3371 | Registered: Dec 2011
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I totally cringe when I see couples acting like that. My ex was much more stealthy then that, he was just never around. Plus, if we were in public, he always acted perfect towards me...which is why other people love him so. His public persona was very different than his home persona. It was very confusing.

(((care)))


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4157 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
thebighurt
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know, CG. It makes you want to be a turtle and be able to pull your head in so you don't have yo be around it.

Plus, if we were in public, he always acted perfect towards me...which is why other people love him so. His public persona was very different than his home persona. It was very confusing.

Cmego, I experienced this for many years also. Near the end, I'm learning that he wasn't so stealthy. One professional we saw together told me he looked at xpos while I was talking and saw that he was not looking at me as most loving, caring spouses or partners do, but was looking away with a disgusted look on his face like he couldn't wait for my voice to stop assaulting his ears.

And I'm hearing from others from time to time that they didn't really see him the way I thought everyone did. The halo he had in my mind's eye (as others saw him) wasn't so shiny as I thought and it is slipping to where I view it getting closer to being a noose. I've learned that his former coworkers, who he still thinks LOVE him, have a derogatory name for him because of how they saw him treat people. It may be the same for your ex. I've learned a lot by NOT asking.


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2338 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
wildbananas
♀ Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. This was so me with both ex-asshat and XSO... I never really thought about it but I wonder what other people saw and thought when we were out in public?

Stuff like this just breaks my heart. And sadly, you're right. Intervention would make it worse. Maybe not at that moment, but as soon as they were in the car or at home.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15403 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((cg)))

I have trouble with scenes like that too. Though in my (past!) situation I would have been the one trying to soothe the crying child who was just forcefully removed from the shopping cart to be thrust into the carseat by an angry, scowling monster of a man. Too often I apologized for him, made excuse for him, or otherwise tried to make things ok between him and the children.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7819 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, I do remember something in public that I always thought was odd, and wondered if other people noticed...

Ex is a big guy, 6"1, 230 pounds, I am 5"2, 128 pounds. He always walked at least 3 steps in front of me, I was always asking him to slow down or wait for me, especially if I was in heels. He would say, "Can't you just walk faster??" Well, I was practically running to keep up with his long legs.

When I started dating exSO, THAT was the first thing I noticed...he walked at my pace, next to me. Even though he was also 6"0, he...noticed.

So, now, when I see a couple where the man is walking ahead of the woman, I feel sorry for her...because I know that feeling. Just another way to degrade someone else.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4157 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, now, when I see a couple where the man is walking ahead of the woman, I feel sorry for her...because I know that feeling. Just another way to degrade someone else.

Right after dday, this happened to me. It happened all the time, and I would feel bad for not being able to keep up, even apologize for it. But right after dday, we were at a grocery store, at the beach and he immediately walked off and ahead of me. I stopped, turned around and went back to the car. I had my own keys so I let myself in and sat there. It was a tiny step towards standing up for myself and the decision to end the marriage. Looking back, I wish I had used the keys to start the car and leave his ass at the grocery store! alas, missed opportunity.

I would have been the one trying to soothe the crying child who was just forcefully removed from the shopping cart to be thrust into the carseat by an angry, scowling monster of a man. Too often I apologized for him, made excuse for him, or otherwise tried to make things ok between him and the children.

((wb2))

This statement reminded me of a deeply shameful memory. I can remember telling him that he mustn't strike the children and leave marks on them. I assured him that I wasn't accusing him of abuse that I understood their skin was sensitive... I cannot accept that I allowed this and even made excuses, blaming their tender skin rather than his lack of restraint or control of his temper.

It makes me sick to remember this. All I can hang on to is the fact that after we separated, I made it clear to him that if he ever struck them again I would press charges. I told the children that daddy and I had agreed in our parenting agreement that they were too old to spank.

I know that they have told their dad that "mommy said you aren't allowed to spank us." Of course, kicking under the table and thumping them in the head and other verbal abuse and humiliation is beyond my control.

I keep thinking about yesterday, and I am haunted more by the woman watching and her obvious discomfort than by the family itself. Maybe because I identify more closely with her now, than with the active abuse?

The student I mentioned last week shared some of his research statistics on abuse today. Every 13 seconds a child is abused. Five children a day die in the US from abuse.

This is going to be a tricky thing to navigate for me.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5842 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((CG)))


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
foxglove
♀ Member
Member # 21791
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's so very sad to see this kind of thing and know the meaning behind it all.


So, now, when I see a couple where the man is walking ahead of the woman, I feel sorry for her...because I know that feeling. Just another way to degrade someone else.


My Xh was also very tall-6' and I'm very short, only 4'11'. He used to do this all the time, and honestly, I didn't think too much about it, other than to be annoyed. But after my D, I had a coworker tell me how she observed us walking on the street in this way, and how angry it made her on my behalf. It was so disconcerting that a relative stranger was more aware of the dynamic in my marriage than I was.

(((CG)))

[This message edited by foxglove at 5:47 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]


Me (BS)47
XH (WS)53
Married 21 years
Divorced 2/19/07
Two sons 21 and 23 in college

Posts: 1456 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Northern Michigan
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He always walked at least 3 steps in front of me,

Ex went from being the polite young man who always opened the car door for me, to the dad who would get the baby/toddler out of the car seat, to the dad who would carry a kid on his back across a parking lot, to this man who would just walk off and be at least 10 feet in front of his wife and kids. Looking back, even the kids noticed, and I made excuses. Sometimes, I'm an idiot.

But yeah,


So, now, when I see a couple where the man is walking ahead of the woman, I feel sorry for her...because I know that feeling. Just another way to degrade someone else.

^^^^this


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12151 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
thebighurt
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, now, when I see a couple where the man is walking ahead of the woman, I feel sorry for her...because I know that feeling. Just another way to degrade someone else.

Story from my M also. Xpos claimed he couldn't walk with me for exercise because "you walk too fast for me to walk with you but too slow for me to run. It's just too awkward." Yet, like you said, he was always steps ahead of me in a store or anywhere in public and telling me I needed to walk faster if I wanted to keep up and walk together. I never put those things together until just now! You're so right. It was just to degrade.


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2338 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh. It hurts to read this. My ex did the walking thing, though I have fast strides and am relatively tall, so he couldn't get too far ahead (which is probably why he needed to have an A-- the Owife is much shorter so he can outwalk her).

But my XWH was super short tempered with our kids. I was always standing between them and him. My kids have actually asked me why I'm so NICE (now that we're apart)-- why don't I get mad like Dad does?

There were a couple of times (one witnessed by my family) when he was a total ass to my boys. My younger son doesn't remember, but my older son still brings it up from time to time.

I hate that I had kids with someone who had no business having kids. I wish that I had used better judgment instead of having kids with a spoiled manchild who has no patience and can only relate to kids when he behaves like a child himself. I also wish that I had put him in his place when he did that shit. Instead, I worked feverishly to keep things "happy" so he wouldn't get mad and the kids weren't yelled at or swatted.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3607 | Registered: Oct 2011
Topic Posts: 13

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