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Just Found Out
Topic: 3 weeks along
Member # 40750
Posted: 3:16 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013
Well, here's another version of the same story! It's somewhat comforting to find although every situation is unique, there are so many things the same about all of us. Reading the articles on here has been helping me get through, helping me know which way is up at least!
3 weeks ago my husband of 11 years confessed his affair. It was a 5 month emotional affair, she moved out of town shortly after they met so was phone calls and text messages. About 6 weeks ago he went to visit a friend conveniently located in the town she had moved to. They stayed together in his hotel, obviously at that point it became physical... A week later he told his best friend what had happened, another week later he told me. At the time he gave me the impression it was over and due to my state of denial I chose to believe it was. Then just over a week ago I had a proper look on his phone and read the disturbing saga of their messages exchanged over months. Reality was like a sledgehammer between the eyes. I actually had known they were still in contact but he assured me it was completely casual, that she was just a friend etc etc and I had already told him I needed him to break contact with her as it was starting to really affect my mental and physical health, the stress of it all.. i was starting to doubt all my instincts and couldn't tell what was true, it was such a confusing time. The brutality of seeing exactly how intimate he was with her was horrific but at the same time cleared up my confusion. I confronted him, knowing now the lies he had told her and me, also having discovered that he had planned a trip away with her for a few weeks time, on the weekend of our son's birthday no less, he became very angry and left that night to stay with a friend. The next morning as I was sobbing in a counselors office I got an 'i miss you' text from him as if nothing had happened... by thursday, I had called him so the children could talk to him a few times but been very distant and declined to talk to him myself except very politely, he came over as we had the kids school production to attend. Afterwards I read him a list I had written of my requirements if he wanted our marriage. Nothing startling, just end the affair, no contact... get some counselling (he suffers from depression and has never actually gotten proper treatment) attend marriage counselling with me, cancel your trip and be at your sons birthday. He said he had called her to break it off but it was too hard so they had decided to have their last weekend together and then that would be it. Hmmm... somehow I was supposed to give my blessing -strangely enough I couldn't!!! So when he left he was very despondent and tearful and I was actually feeling guilty like I was making it too hard for him. I was talking to my sister afterwards who I had given OW's number to, she rang her, told her what a mess she was helping create... 5 minutes later I got a call from my husband saying our marriage was over because someone had called her and that was just the last straw for him. It took me hours to realise how ludicrous that was that I had been willing to forgive him but he couldn't get past my sister calling his girlfriend??!! Anyway, two days later he had cooled down as i thought he might and had cancelled his weekend (or perhaps she had!) and another two days later he asked to be included somehow in the plans for our sons birthday.
Last night he came over so we could tell the kids officially we were separated, it was okay talking about 'business stuff' we managed to discuss financial and child visiting arrangements but without that to talk about I felt so strained and awful being in the same room as him. I oscillate wildly between wanting to reconcile and wanting to inflict physical harm,he has arranged counselling, was going to ask their opinion on if it was too soon to start marriage counselling together or if he should spend time sorting himself out first, he seems to be taking responsibility for some of this mess (him leaving has left me with day to day care of our 4 kids including 1 year old twins) he sounded almost like himself, not the arrogant blame-shifting alien he's been for the past few weeks (well months I guess) at one stage I would've felt like this was a good thing, actually it just made me feel more angry, like how dare he get himself together and make me deal with him before I'm ready to. I think I'm doing well managing to eat and sleep again finally and to feel relaxed and almost happy in my own house. I had decided before he came over not to ask him anything about himself, just to make the whole thing about the kids, that I would just not care. But this morning it swamped me again that he has given no indication that he has ended the affair, just that he isn't going away this weekend. Perhaps I was actually hoping for remorse, which makes me feel like an idiot all over again. I am holding fast to my plans to be polite but distant with him, to not be terribly interested in his life, to move on with mine, to make sure I am okay so I can make sure the kids are okay. I am getting small glimpses that I may just survive this and I will come out stronger in the end whatever happens with him and I.. but meanwhile, like most people I guess I just don't even know how i feel most of the time..
Posts: 3 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: New Zealand
Member # 40571
Posted: 4:18 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013
madworld we are D-day twins...not a great thing to be but at least know someone on the other side of the globe is walking in your shoes and I want to tell you that I feel so much of what you are feeling. From timings I see your H has been having his A while your twins were little - my H has been carrying on throughout my son's short life & you do wonder how they could be so detached from those closest to them....From what you have said he doesn't yet show you the remorse needed to move forward & without that you will always be doing the running. I know it is hard (I struggle myself with it as a classic "fixer") but he needs to give you the clear message that it is over with OW or there is no way you will be able to move forward. My H took a week to communicate in writing it was over (he said he'd told her orally D-day but then wrote email saying they "needed to talk"). With the help & support I got here I made the do not contact email a non-negotiable. We fought over it but I am so very glad I held my ground & I do believe he "gets" it a bit better now (we can never be sure can we?). I am not sure whether R is for us or not - we have MC next week - but I do know that it can only be a possibility if he starts to try to mend bridges and it is is only about us & OW is nowhere on the scene. She fills my waking and sleeping hours enough with how she has tainted the last 19 months of my life without still being in our lives....You seem a very strong person from your email & with 4 kids I am sure you have a lot to juggle and think about - sending you good thoughts and lots of support.
Posts: 215 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 40750
Posted: 6:22 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013
Thanks Mjane for your response, strangely it does help knowing other people can relate although surely there are far better things to have in common!!!
Yes remorse is that elusive thing, I keep thinking I see some but then it's gone. His motivation for telling me was just that his friend would've told me if H didn't. He told his friend because... i don't know, he said he didn't feel guilty but I can't think why he would've said anything otherwise. Either way he had no intention of ending the A. He has offered to organise marriage counselling but I'm not sure what the point would be if he hasn't actually ended things. I have agreed because we do need to be able to talk and I don't think it will be terribly constructive to do so without some mediation and guidance.
Posts: 3 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: New Zealand
Topic Posts: 3
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