SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Backstory: STBX had to move from the place he was living (with some other sex addict and his wife) a few months ago. He had the kids keep it secret from me for a while, I only found out by accident and then had my lawyer force him to disclose his address.

He refuses to tell us who the men are who he lives with. He has two roommates from what I can tell. One roommate is a temporary roommate, according to the kids. He was just supposed to be there for a month, but it's been a couple months now. A couple things bother me about this man, first & foremost that he went out of his way to tell my kids that he is "safe" because he's a Christian.

I'm sorry, but who goes out of their way to mention something bizarre like that? Who says shit like that to little kids? Why bring it up? And what does being a Christian have to do with being "safe"? Right? All kinds of heinous acts are perpetrated by Christians. So that right there just set me off.

So now here's why I'm posting.

I found out a little bit more tonight about this guy. The kids were over there today. Found out that this guy has some kind of business in Thailand. That's not reassuring.

I asked the kids what kind of business, but they didn't know. Asked if he was from Thailand, or if he was a native Thai. No and no. Asked if he was a missionary. No. I asked if he lived in Thailand but was visiting here. The kids don't know where he actually lives. Well, for now he's living with STBX.

It just bothers me and I can't explain why.

Also, for some reason he keeps baking my kids cakes. It really bothers me that he bakes my kids cakes. Bothers me a lot.

A few weeks ago he baked a cake for them with their names on it. And today he baked them another cake. He told them some bullshit story about how he baked this cake for someone else, but he couldn't take the cake on the airplane he needed to fly on to go to that someone else's house. So instead he gave the cake to the kids, complete with candy corn and their initials on it.

What person doesn't know you can't take a cake on a plane? Come on, that's bullshit.

Maybe he's a really nice guy who likes to bake? I asked my kids if he's a chef or something, but they said no, he just likes to bake cakes.

I'm sorry, but that's just really strange to me. I know of no man alive who bakes cakes for someone else's kids.

Please talk me down.

I would be extremely uncomfortable as well. Is there a way you can make him have to have a criminal background check done?

I'm so sorry. This is the one reason I'm happy that Hello a Kitty is still around. She's a dumbass, but appears to be harmless. I fear so thr Gnat would move in if she were to dump him.

I'd run a background check on him myself if I knew his name. But I don't. STBX will not disclose who he's living with.

My grooming alarm bells are going off like motherfuckers.

I would find it impossible but you must not lose your shit right now.

Call the cops. Fuck it if they make you feel like a crazy person - get a report on record. You want to know if that fuckstick is living with a sex offender or not.

I'd make so much noise they would have to one day put them on their radar.

Find out the name and address of registered sex offenders - photos too if available. As we all know most of them are unfortunately not registered.

Keep pestering CPS - I'd be hammering them with emails daily.

This is beyond creepy.

You know to warn your kids and get their IC involved. If there is some kind of child abuse support/advocacy group near you I'd go talk to them about how to brief your kids.

How on earth is he allowed to not tell you who is living in the home your kids visit him in? Can he at least be made to verify that the guy doesn't have a criminal history?

Fuck me NG. I hate that X. I really, really fucking hate him. He probably thinks this suggestive shit is funny. As I said in another post I think you are the mark here, not your kids.

OH NG - I agree this is weird.

I don't get why H gets to have strange men living with him, and you aren't allowed to know their names, and histories since your kids are in that home. Have you talked to your attorney about it?

Do the kids think this cake guy is a weirdo, or creepy?

My kids would always tell me when they felt someone was creepy, and we would have a discussion about, your instincts are usually right, when someone makes you feel that way do not ever allow yourself to alone with that person, etc. Kids pick up on that stuff more than we realize.

Can your attorney make him tell you their names, so you can at least run backgrounds?

((((and strength))))

Can you compell your STBX to have background checks on anyone that will be alone with the kids? Offer to make it recipricol. This...is red flags all over the place.

Also, read Protecting the Gift by Gavin Debecker. Give your kids the tools to protect themselves. If they're in IC, talk to the IC and find out what you can do to protect them and give them a safe place to talk.

You know exactly why he is baking them cakes. He is grooming them.

My grooming alarm bells are going off like motherfuckers.

You know exactly why he is baking them cakes. He is grooming them.

THIS.

((((HUGS to you and your littles)))

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 10:29 AM, September 23rd (Monday)]

Sigh...

Well, that's where my thoughts went, too. Grooming.

So what I think I'm going to do is find a way to talk to my kids about airline security, Homeland Security, and the rules that have been in place since two-thousand-fucking-one about what you can & cannot take on an airplane. I'll start with that.

I've talked with my kids a lot about creepy people, about how they need to tell me. Both the kids' counselors and the parenting evaluator told me that my kids are the most informed children on this subject that they've ever met. I fear it's still not enough to prevent what I dread happening to them.

Let me tell you something else that freaks me the fuck out. STBX petitioned the court for, and was awarded, the right to take the children out of town overnight and not have to tell me in advance, or even at all. As long as it's just one night he can take them anywhere in the world. I won't even know it's happening. I won't even know that they're gone. Of course this special privilege also applies to me, too. I can take them away and not have to tell him, either. But why would I want to? Why would I want to take my children out of state or even out of the country and not notify their father? Aside from the fact that he's a SOB, of course.

So this all just really bothers me. Mysterious roommates with mysterious businesses out of the country. Permission to take the children away and not ever have to tell me. Bizarre cake-baking behavior accompanied by lies.

Dear God, please protect my children!

And no, I can't just call CPS. I cannot do stuff like that. All it would do is label ME as a bitter, vindictive person who uses the system to abuse her STBX. It just doesn't work the way we think it does. I would probably lose custody of my children if I did stuff like that. For real.

And no, I can't just call CPS. I cannot do stuff like that. All it would do is label ME as a bitter, vindictive person who uses the system to abuse her STBX. It just doesn't work the way we think it does. I would probably lose custody of my children if I did stuff like that. For real.

Gently, that is not true. There are many bitter, vindictive people who DO use the system to abuse their Xs and they don't lose custody. Hell, people abuse their kids and don't lose custody.

You are allowing his fear tactics to work. What do the kids IC say? Do they tell you to not call CPS? Do they tell you you could lose custody?

What makes you think this is true? As difficult as it is for you to keep your children away from what is clearly an unhinged individual do you seriously think you contacting them and having your concerns taken down on record could possibly result in you losing custody.

I know you live this NG and I don't. Please don't think I am being flippant here. I don't think you are doing anything wrong - no-one here does. We are all trying to just get our heads around what is "Tuesday" for you. The stress and fear must be enormous and it makes me want to puke just reading about it.

Your hands are tied in so many ways. I know you have done everything possible to protect them. I know that is your focus 24/7.

This is not a criticism. I'm trying to understand how reporting a VERY creepy incident and the fact that you don't know this man who is ingratiating himself and/or potentially grooming your children could ever result in you losing your kids.

Do you have resources in your state/country that can help you? In Australia we have www.napcan.gov.au

IMHO you need to keep making noise until someone listens. If anything remotely terrible does happen then you have a library of reports that they simply cannot ignore.

Don't let his fear tactics silence you.

None of this is your fault. NONE. You are coping with it better than I ever could.

It is true.

Yes, I've talked with my attorney about this. He's asked STBX's attorney for the full names of the men who are living with STBX because we have security concerns. No reply or acknowledgement at all. STBX is not legally obligated to provide the names of the people he lives with.

Yes, I've told the kids' IC. There is nothing he can do. Baking cakes for kids is not a crime.

Of course we all know there are SO MANY RED FLAGS in this situation, that baking cakes IS suspect. But legally it's not. Legally there is a presumption of innocence. If I call the cops or CPS and report this I most certainly will get in trouble for filing a false report. Again, it's not against the law to bake cakes.

You have to remember there is nothing I can legally do to protect my children. All I can do is damage control once STBX allows this to happen (or does it himself). I have spent tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees to learn this lesson.

I'm fucked. I can only hope that my children won't be.

Please know I'm praying for your kids. And for you.

OK so you think there is nothing you can do legally, but there are things you can do on your own within the law that will protect your kids as much as possible. You have 3 young kids right? Out of those three there is probably one who is strong, vocal, and noone would mess with, because they know she/he would tell. This kid needs to be talked to, and say no matter what you and your siblings are never to be alone with this man. Altogether ok, alone, absolutely not. Remind them bad people do nice things to trick kids, and since you don't know this guy you are asking them to protect themselves. Hell show them the videos that are out there of the undercover guys testing kids, where he says he lost his dog will you help? Remind them that even though he seems nice he may not be.

What about going over there, and demanding the information? What about calling the house, and say the kids liked the cake, but I don't let my kids eat food from strangers, so you need to tell me your name, or it's going to be real uncomfortable for you the next time you give them a cake, as I have told them to refuse it, until I know you don't have Hep A. Hell kids can't take home baked stuff to school anymore for this reason, it's not out of reason, and certainly not if he's going to Thailand. I would also ask for proof that he doesn' t have Tuberculosis, since Thailand is one of the countries that is known to have higher rates of this horrible disease that we do not imunize for. I would just be a pain in their neck until this guy gets uncomfortable, and stops, or leaves.

Think outside the box on this stuff you will be surprised with what you can come up with.

My kids have had two experiences where the Creeper Radar was pinging like crazy, and they were right on both. Both men in leadership positions. One was caught, and has since disappeared from our area, the other still in leadership, but not around my kids. They were pretty young with the first one, I would say about 6 & 8 years old. Do the kids say this guy is creepy?

((((and strength))))

OK so you think there is nothing you can do legally, but there are things you can do on your own within the law that will protect your kids as much as possible. You have 3 young kids right? Out of those three there is probably one who is strong, vocal, and noone would mess with, because they know she/he would tell. This kid needs to be talked to, and say no matter what you and your siblings are never to be alone with this man. Altogether ok, alone, absolutely not.

I can and will do this. We have talked a lot about not helping adults, how adults simply do not need kids to help them (lost dog, lost kitten), adults don't go up to strange kids to show them stuff (kitten, parrot, whatever). We've also talked about how if any friend, boy/girlfriend or roommate of either me or Daddy ever bothers you or gives you a creepy feeling, please tell immediately. I've told them that they are far more important than anyone else in the world.

Remind them bad people do nice things to trick kids, and since you don't know this guy you are asking them to protect themselves.

Will do.

What about going over there, and demanding the information? What about calling the house, and say the kids liked the cake, but I don't let my kids eat food from strangers, so you need to tell me your name, or it's going to be real uncomfortable for you the next time you give them a cake, as I have told them to refuse it, until I know you don't have Hep A.

This would probably get me arrested or, at the very least, slapped with a restraining order.

Hell kids can't take home baked stuff to school anymore for this reason, it's not out of reason, and certainly not if he's going to Thailand. I would also ask for proof that he doesn' t have Tuberculosis, since Thailand is one of the countries that is known to have higher rates of this horrible disease that we do not imunize for. I would just be a pain in their neck until this guy gets uncomfortable, and stops, or leaves.

This is one of the things that concern me, what his health status might be. But if I make a stink about it then I look like the crazy person. Disease organisms seldom survive the cooking/baking process. I cannot do anything to compel this man to provide me with his health status. Do you realize how utterly insane that would appear to the courts if I tried?

Think outside the box on this stuff you will be surprised with what you can come up with.

My kids have had two experiences where the Creeper Radar was pinging like crazy, and they were right on both. Both men in leadership positions. One was caught, and has since disappeared from our area, the other still in leadership, but not around my kids. They were pretty young with the first one, I would say about 6 & 8 years old. Do the kids say this guy is creepy?

Part of what bothers me is how STBX has systematically brainwashed the children since we separated. He tells them not to tell me where they go or what they do when they're with him. He told them to keep his move a secret. He tells them lies about me and makes them repeat the lies back to him. They've learned to go along with whatever he says in order to not have him get mad at them. He's told them over & over that I want to get him in trouble. So any information I get from the kids has to be delicately extracted. I have been warned by my ATTY not to pump the kids for information. It's okay for STBX to pump them, he does it daily during their daily phone calls. He gets every shred of info from them, from the time they went to be the night before to when they got up, everything they ate or drank, what they wore, what they did, what I do, who I saw, who came to the house. Everything. But I am not supposed to ask them anything because his lawyer has already tried to go after me a couple times for parental alienation (which was totally made up by STBX and is actually a projection of what he's doing). One time when I asked my kids where they were going to go with Daddy today my most mature child lit into me, telling me it was none of my business! Oh, they're brainwashed alright.

It is so many kinds of screwed up, I can't even name them all.

I think that since my kids keep mentioning this guy, there must be something about him. My gut instinct activated the first time they mentioned him. Something isn't right. The kids have never said he's creepy, and I've asked them. Furthermore, since STBX is their father their normal instincts are warped anyway. They have to do all the mental gymnastics necessary to make it okay in their heads to have a loving relationship with him when, as I've shared here so many times, he's a sexual pervert.

Out of those three there is probably one who is strong, vocal, and noone would mess with, because they know she/he would tell. This kid needs to be talked to, and say no matter what you and your siblings are never to be alone with this man. Altogether ok, alone, absolutely not.

I would caution against making one of the kids "responsible" for the others. If something were to happen to one of the other two kids, then this could place an enormous amount of guilt on this child that they may never recover from.

I know we are all supposed to take the high road..be above the law..blah..blah..

I want to tell you to take your kids and run fast and run far. This man scares me. He is damaging your children. He is going to do a lot more damage,Im afraid. The fact that you can't legally stop him..but can only do damage control after the fact is horrifying.

It's appalling that you don't have the right to know who he is living with..and that he can take your kids anyfuckingwhere overnight and not tell you where they are. You have proven this man to be a sexual pervert. They know he likes little girls. I do.not.understand.why.the.law.refuses.to.protect these.kids.

I wanted to echo strongbutbroken's sentiment..that everyone here knows you are doing everything possible to protect your babies. You are an amazing mother.

(((((((((((NG))))))))))

Nature_Girl, this was one of my concerns with the kids. The GAL's hands were tied because my ex or anyone he hangs out with had ever done anything to the kids.

I was basically told by the GAL that something would have to happen to the kids before the court stepped in. The GAL had her concerns but couldn't do anything.

My kids were young. About once a month we would have the stranger talk and how they shouldn't keep things from me even if someone told them to or threatened them if they did. I told them that we don't keep secrets. I also talked to them about what to do if anyone ever tried to touch them.

If he won't give you his roomates names then I would ask the judge to order it. I would also request a background check.

I understand that baking can kill pathogens, but what about frosting? Frosting is not cooked and could easily be a carrier.

Not to mention the ease of passing crushed drugs through the sweetness of frosting. All it would take is a bit of benadryl and those kids would be OUT and at the mercy of this house of pervs.

Not to mention the ease of passing crushed drugs through the sweetness of frosting. All it would take is a bit of benadryl and those kids would be OUT and at the mercy of this house of pervs.

And THERE you have the very deepest, darkest thought that I've tried not to give free reign to. But you know it's been there in my mind anyway. Because I know that STBX has fantasized in the past about sexually violating women who were sleeping or drugged (I have it in his handwriting, OMG). Because I know that he sexually violated ME when I was asleep. So yes, my mind has gone to this very dark place...

((((((((((NG)))))))))))

((((((((((Kiddos)))))))))))

I'm praying for your kids and you.

K