Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: surprised1 (45370)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: A Letter..
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just sent this letter to my husband. I'm nervous as we've both been in "let's not rock the boat" mode but yesterday we capsized.

Was only a matter of time I suppose.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking for in this post. Some support I guess. I don't know really. All I know is I feel really anxious right now.

Here's the letter:

I'm taking to writing you an email as it seems that that's the only way you and I can articulately communicate. As you witnessed yesterday, our marriage is still as volatile as ever and essentially nothing has really changed. We put a big fat band aid on it in order to get through our major transition which we have done successfully. Our kids are lucky to have such resourceful and efficient parents who have organised their lives and who are giving them the best possible foundation and start in life. They will always be my number one priority and I hope u know this.

You are a great father and a wonderful provider. Your family are blessed and privileged to have you (that means me and the kids btw) and I know you always put us first. For this I am eternally grateful to God and to you. I have an amazing life and I know this. 99% of people would die for my life and I am proud and honoured that you chose me to be your wife as you could have had anyone.

The problem that now arises is my lack of connection with you. I've never had a bond with u throughout this whole marriage but its never mattered as much as it has now. In the earlier years of marriage I was far too focussed on climatising myself into your circle, being liked, trying to fit in, enjoying the 5 star holidays, good life, being YOUR wife and showing off the fact that YOU chose ME. That fact alone was enough to keep me going. At that time I didn't need any attachment to you as you were still grooming and teaching me. I looked up to you like a mentor. I never saw myself as your equal. Never.

Then we had the kids and somewhere during that time we lost each other. I had never felt so isolated and alone as I did during those times. I pacified myself by telling myself well at least u have a nanny, at least u have a good life. I felt like I had no right to be unhappy and I was groomed by you and your family to never complain and always have heartfelt gratitude for being pulled out the slums. It makes me cry to now understand how controlled and dominated I was throughout those years.

**** turned 1 and I started to get attention from another man. I went along with it. I lived two lives for a long time. I don't know how I ever allowed it to go on. I don't know how I became that person, that woman who I'd always looked down on. The woman who doesn't feel empowered enough to change her life in a healthy way. That ended and I realised things have to change. I instigated our move to London as I knew I had to do something to get out of the rut I was in.

I'm happier here although I feel guilty for dragging you here. I carry the burden on my shoulders. I feel the weight of this move is all on my head and that the success of it lies with me and with me only. I will make it work as I know it's the right place for me and our children.

My fear is that while we remain in this wonderful platonic stage of pretending nothing ever happened and I have been faithful and you continue to shelter your hurt or disappointment (I'm assuming u have some) that I feel emptier and emptier and the next man that shows me some attention will be a disaster.

I don't want to be that woman.

I'm trying to tell you that it feels like there is just no way forward for us. We are at a stale mate. The travelling is a deal breaker for me and I am truly sorry for that. It's just not how I want my marriage to be. I know you have no choice.. It's your life. Its what you do. But its too hard for me. You know I've tried but you still insist on making me feel like I stop you from doing what you want. I don't want to be a hinderance in your life or be the one who stops you from developing. But I also have to listen to my own heart and admit that as much as I wish I could, living with a man who travels is extremely difficult for me.

I'm just tired now, exhausted with constantly trying to be something I'm not. I can't do it anymore. If this whole world of mine that you've provided for me falls apart then so be it. I'm ready for it. But I refuse anymore to be manipulated and told to shut up because I have nice things. I can't and won't live like this.

Once again, I thank you for everything, I have always had nothing but gratitude for everything you do for us but as we stand it would appear its not enough.

I will look into marriage counselling for us as I believe its the only thing for us right now.

[This message edited by Trying33 at 8:37 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)]


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
GotMyLifeBck2013
♂ Member
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Couple of quick questions...

How long ago was your D-Day? I'm not familiar with your story, so it's hard to gauge whether you and your BS have been trying for a while or not.

You want to look into marriage counseling, but from the way I read the letter it sounds like you have already made your mind up, that his travelling for work and his lifestyle aren't what you want. So the question is, do you want MC so you can say you tried but you already know the answer, or do you want MC because you honestly want your marriage and relationship to work?

You talk a lot about control in your note. One of the things I heard a lot from my ex-WW was she thought she was being controlled. It honestly shocked me. I spent months looking in the mirror asking whether it was "control" on my part...and in the end, it was simply justification for her decisions. I'm not saying that's your case here, I'm just wondering what you perceive as controlling or what you know is controlling may be two different things. Is it your perspective? Or is it that he is extremely demanding and dictates. Perhaps it's the interpretation of his words that gives you the idea he's controlling. These are things MC would really help you define and understand. Men and women are different. That's good. But sometimes we don't communicate effectively as men and women so the other person is both understood and mutually respected.

All that said, I like your idea of the letter. But now you should reread it, several times, and ask yourself this...if I were the betrayed spouse, going through the shock, anger, grief, disappointment, horrifying thoughts and images, would I read this as a letter that says, "I love you and want our relationship to work" or would I read this as "I've tried, I give up, and I don't really want the relationship to work, but I'll give it some effort to say I tried." ??

Remember the marriage and the affair are two very different things. Those couples who survive the terror of infidelity do so because the wayward spouse does the heavy lifting and proves they're safe and willing to do what it takes to rebuild trust.

I would say at this point this is only the first draft. Take your time. Think through each word, each sentence, carefully consider what it is he will read, and read into it. As a former BS, I can tell you we are hypersensitive to everything, so be careful in the words you choose and the way you come across. If you want to reconcile make sure you understand what it is you're trying to accomplish with the email, and stick to what you want to accomplish.


I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013


Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
GotMyLifeBck2013
♂ Member
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, just reread your post and now see you already sent the letter to your BS.


I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013


Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Trying))

This is a good-bye letter.

Reckon if you wanted to share the details you would've. IDK what happened, but what was your intent with this letter? Are you (perhaps even subconsciously) hoping to provoke him, or are you truly done with this M? I felt so sad when I read this, because my interpretation of this letter is that your entire M has been a lie, and that BH is essentially to blame for your unhappiness and your A. That's not intended as a harsh judgment, dear Trying, it's just an honest observation.

I felt like I had no right to be unhappy and I was groomed by you and your family to never complain and always have heartfelt gratitude for being pulled out the slums. It makes me cry to now understand how controlled and dominated I was throughout those years.

You're not good enough for him! That's what you've always thought, isn't it? You're clearly brilliant, probably very beautiful...but you think BH and his family will always merely regard you as "the girl he rescued from poverty." Instead of shifting the blame for your unhappiness onto them with this (honestly) lame cop-out about being controlled and dominated, how about being a grown-up and taking responsibility for your choices and feelings?

You don't love and accept yourself, clearly, Trying. Why not? That's a question you need to answer, whether you stay in this M or not.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1237 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I am done.

I'm tired.

I've tried to talk to him, I've tried to do the heavy lifting. I feel it's unfair to just live for myself and make myself a better person and let him do that for himself. TO ME, a marriage is about two people being bonded together and to ME it HAS to be more than just two people who get along well and are pleasant to eachother.

I don't want to break up my family. I DON'T want to go outside my marriage again BUT I worry that things will never change. Should I sacrifice my happiness for my kids? Yes, I would glady, but I don't trust myself as my wayward thoughts are surfacing. Do I need to do what 20 suggests and work on myself and my insecurities??? Yes, I do, but there are a lot of ill feelings that I feel need to be heard and acknowledged first, instead of being rugswept.

What are my options? To separate due to sheer frustration and be alone? To stay in the marriage and accept things can never be how I'd like them to be? To carry on living a conventional happy marriage and be grateful for all that I have and just be thankful I have it better than most? What? What does one do in a situation like this??

You're not good enough for him! That's what you've always thought, isn't it? You're clearly brilliant, probably very beautiful...but you think BH and his family will always merely regard you as "the girl he rescued from poverty." Instead of shifting the blame for your unhappiness onto them with this (honestly) lame cop-out about being controlled and dominated, how about being a grown-up and taking responsibility for your choices and feelings?

You don't love and accept yourself, clearly, Trying. Why not? That's a question you need to answer, whether you stay in this M or not.

I don't know why. I have issues clearly. Reading this made me breakdown.

[This message edited by Trying33 at 11:55 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)]


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Instead of shifting the blame for your unhappiness onto them with this (honestly) lame cop-out about being controlled and dominated, how about being a grown-up and taking responsibility for your choices and feelings?

I don't even know where to start. How do I do this?


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I love you and want our relationship to work" or would I read this as "I've tried, I give up, and I don't really want the relationship to work, but I'll give it some effort to say I tried." ??

I teeter between the two, but lean more towards the latter. When I'm leaning towards the former it's mostly due to my kids. Wanting to make it work for them.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
isadora
♀ Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying,

If you are done then that is a valid choice. But the wayward thoughts won't go away with a change of geography.

FWH doesn't react in a way I feel is healthy most of the time. I speak my peace. He hears me but will digest over a few dayys. His changes come slowly. but to him they seem monumental. I can't change the pace. I can accept or not.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4509 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying, there is nothing...NOTHING about your life you haven't controlled. You were not dominated. You married a man with no attachment. How the hell is that his fault???? Seriously?

What exactly do you need support with? How to leave your husband? You are setting up MC? Why? To help him see how miserable you are and how your misery is all his fault?

Forget the complements you sprinkle through that letter. It reads like you're patting him on the head. Sweet Jesus. You said all you needed to say with the lack of bond and attachment. Let the poor man go to find someone that loves him for what he is and do not take him to the cleaners.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are setting up MC? Why? To help him see how miserable you are and how your misery is all his fault?

Not entirely this but a flavour of it yes. At some point, one HAS to listen to their spouse and not deny what they are hearing is a load of bullshit and just being said because that person is "bored" or has nothing "better to do".

Let the poor man go to find someone that loves him for what he is and do not take him to the cleaners.

I agree with you entirely and have posed this to him many a time. Again, the response I get is "don't be stupid, you don't know what you're saying".

Even you UO, with the many labels you have been given in the past must agree that rugsweeping to this degree is dysfunctional and unhealthy?????


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^ YES. What Uncertainone said. Read that like 1000 times.

This-

just live for myself and make myself a better person and let him do that for himself.

^^^sounds like a pretty good idea to me. Sounds like to most healthy option on the table. Figure out why you are unhappy - hint: nothing to do with your BH or the M.

TO ME, a marriage is about two people being bonded together and to ME it HAS to be more than just two people who get along well

^^^ I have a feeling that you believe this because you are looking for your H and the marriage to 'heal' you, make you 'feel better'.

Just my thoughts based on what you wrote...

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 1:17 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 883 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
isadora
♀ Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can't convince your BH to change. You can't get him get what you are feeling. You can't manipulate a situation to get him to respond how you want. These things are beyond your control. Living your life is all you can do. If you are unhappy with him as a life partner then leave. You don't need his permission. You don't need his approval. But a change in geography may not make you happy especially if you look to others to complete you.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4509 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was so saddened when I read this letter and my heart breaks for you. I agree it sounds like a goodbye letter.

I don't agree that Trying is blame shifting and blaming her BH for her unhappiness....I took it as she was being honest and letting him know what her needs are....in reading some other posts it seems that Trying has reached out to her BH many times and tried to explain what she needs from him...

If he is refusing to talk about it or acknowledge her feelings how is that healthy? Both people in a M need to work together and make sure their S is having their needs met, and it is the responsibility of both people to communicate with one another.....I'm not saying that Trying is justified in her decision to go out of her M, but clearly she has been unhappy for a long time and has needs that her BH is not even trying to meet.

Others may not agree but that's just my opinion.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 874 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Divorce won't bring you happiness either. Nothing he does can make you happy. You say the reason for your unhappiness is your lack of connection with your BH.

For connection (intimacy) people have to make themselves vulnerable. I don't think you are safe for your BH to make himself vulnerable with you and I very seriously doubt you have let him inside your walls either. He sees what you want him to see, nothing more. I believe you learned that at a very early age to protect yourself and survive.

How can you feel he loves you if you have never let him know YOU.

If you chose to do the work on YOURSELF and let him the some progress he might be willing to do the work on himself for you two to achieve the intimacy you want.

I would beg for a year of IC, reading, journaling and hard work before any decisions are made. Meanwhile work at the same time on building trust by owning your choices, full transparency, and choosing to be a honest, honorable, trustworthy woman.

Become a person you love and are proud of and then see where you want to go from there.

Intimacy begins with I.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank-you everyone for your responses.

The irony of this whole drama is he hasn't even read the letter. I sent it to his Hotmail account not his regular one. He didn't acknowledge or mention the email for several hours. I prompted him about it and he says he hasn't received anything? He's asked me to speak to him face to face and not communicate via email.

It all just seems so fucking petty.

In my heart I believe we have what it takes to make it, with a lot of hard work. But my stamina is weak. I am weak.

Many women who have been in similar positions have told me (here on SI) that it takes time, and to keep working and be patient. I take their advice very seriously as they are walking evidence that things can turn around with time and effort.

How does one find a good MC? I don't feel comfortable enough discussing this with anyone I know. Do I just google MC and my postcode? How do you know if they're any good?


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 15

Return to Forum: Wayward Side Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.