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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How long did you wait?
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

I haven't posted in this forum before, but I have peeked in and read a few posts from time to time. I'm not sure I feel ready to be here yet. Sometimes I feel really good, hopeful, empowered, and positive about the future. Other times it seems like the tiniest thing throws me right back to square one.

So here's my question: how long did you wait before trying, even casually, to start dating? How long before you joined a single meet-up group, or did a match.com profile, etc?

I don't feel ready for anything emotionally deep, I'm still too raw for that. Nor do I want something shallow and simply sexual.

I guess I don't know what I want.

I just miss hugs, I miss holding hands. I miss having someone to go out and simply do things with. I miss kissing. And I hate the fact that the last person who kissed me was him, just a few days before D-day, when he left to go to a convention in Las Vegas, a trip I now believe she accompanied him on.

In reading back over this post so far, maybe what I'm asking for here is affirmation of what I probably already know, that I'm not ready to date, even casually. But I'm still curious how long you all waited, how you knew you were ready, and how you handled some of these feelings in the meantime.

Thanks for listening.

[This message edited by gypsybird87 at 6:41 PM, September 21st (Saturday)]


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 823 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been a year and almost two months since Dday for me and I'm still not ready. Maybe I will be someday but for now, I'm happy being single.

Posts: 1683 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As you said, you don't sound ready. I first started looking to date about 10 months after D-Day (5 months after my divorce was final.) I wasn't ready, though I tried for a few months. Then I took 6 months off. I believe I was actually ready about a year and a half after D-Day, which would have been a little more than a year after the divorce was final.

Pretty much everyone dates too quickly, thinks it doesn't apply to them, and then comes back later and says they dated too quickly!

Just remember that broken attracts broken -- if you are not in a good place emotionally, any guys who would make good partners will steer clear of you, which means you're going to attract emotionally unavailable men, or men who are still hurting, or are actively looking to scam a lonely woman.

Also remember that as much as you say you want to keep things casual or take things slowly, you can't always control your emotions, and you're also liable to risk hurting some innocent person (this just happened to me when the guy I was dating realized he jumped in too early. He's beating himself up even more because he hurt me and because we would have been a great match had he waited to heal.)

There is no rush.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3362 | Registered: Dec 2011
LadyQ
♀ Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My divorce was final in May of last year, and I've no desire to start dating. Oh, I have moments where I daydream about what it would be like to have someone in my life. But at this point, 3 years after d-day, a year and a half post divorce, I'm still single by choice.


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
Saleschick
♀ Member
Member # 39772
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my Divorce Care class, they have stressed to us to be careful about jumping in to a new relationship on the rebound. That being said I have met 4 times a guy whose wife had an affair and left him and his 3 kids, so he knows what I am going thru. He just likes going out and talking so that is what we do and it works for now for both of us. Good Luck!

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jul 2013
fireproof
♀ Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it depends on your personal experiences, the status of your marriage when you divorced, the factors, etc.

I waited 4 years. I needed that time. Looking back I think genuinely to potentially care about someone could have happened at 2 years but I was too afraid of the break up of a new relationship being worse than the divorce happening to me.

I will say having gone to meetups they are nice to put your toe into your NB. I would stress to attend the ones that interest you so the focus is not on meeting someone. There is a circuit but if you go for light fun and your interests you can make great friends! I wish I would have at least tried one earlier as well.

I leaned a ton on my old friends that I have known 20 years. I knew I could trust their feedback and still do. I have made new friends and accept life is trial and error.

Stay safe but try little things if you need a change.

Good luck.



Posts: 974 | Registered: Jul 2012
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've come to look at this a bit differently. I believe that if you are dating because you're lonely or because you want to prove that you are desirable, you are dating for the wrong reasons.

If you are dating because you like the company of other people, then it's right.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20173 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the responses, everyone. I definitely don't want to get into something too soon. It's funny, just after D-day when we were going through everything and dividing it up, I made some comment about the Christmas stuff, and how I would be alone this Christmas. And he said, "Only if you choose to be." I said, "What does that mean? Unless I fly to visit my parents, I'll be alone!" He gave me this baffled look and said, "You don't think you'll have met someone by then?"

At the time I was floored. I couldn't get my head around the idea of being in a relationship 8 months after my life exploding, or even how he could say such a thing to me. Now I know so much more, and it makes perfect sense because a deeply dysfunctional NPD like him would NEVER allow themselves to be alone for 8 months.

You are all right, I am not ready. Lonely, yes... but that is not the same thing as ready. Thank you all for the excellent advice.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 823 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
BrokenDaisy
♀ Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I ended up with my stbxwh because I dated too soon after a previous abusive relationship ended. Effectively marrying an even worse guy I escaped. I will not make that mistake again. I won't date no matter how lonely I am until I have fully healed and gained self worth and learn to value myself.

It is so true what everyone is saying "broken attracts broken". Don't rush it. Heal, build a happy and fulfilling life as a single person and when you are content (and only then) seek someone out to share it with. Don't look for someone to give you happiness or contentment.

I thought I was marrying the "perfect" guy because I was looking through broken lenses aquired from an abusive relationship. If you take the time and do the work on yourself you will be able to spot the wolves in sheep clothing from a mile away. If not those wolves will catch you in their snare. I wish I took the time after my previous relationship and won't make the same mistakes. So many here can tell you horror stories because they dated too soon too. Learn from others mistakes. Good luck! This is certainly not an easy journey!


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Finally Divorced!!

Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
missherlots
♂ Member
Member # 30591
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gypsybird87,

You will be ready when your heart is full of happiness for who you are and not, for what other people give you or tell you.

You will be ready when your heart is capable to fee love for yourself and compassion for your EXWH and others because we all are broken.

You will be ready when you understand that nothing is forever, and the circle with your EXWH is closed. If you let him go, you are fee too.

You will be ready when you realized that happiness has no face, body, money, family name or style because happiness is part of you and it was given to you at birth.

You will ready when you choose to live the present moment instead of dwelling in the past mistakes or control the future.

You will be ready when you realize that you are not alone because we all are interconnected and we all suffer in different ways. Pain belongs to everyone, physical or emotional is not excusive to you so, we are part of you too.

The happiness of your heart will come back, fear not.

Take the time, as much as you need to find inside the true nature of your being. Love and have compassion for you and other and it will make you feel whole because you are part of everything.

Then you will be ready to date and remarried or whatever you want to do because you are worth it to yourself

My two cents

[This message edited by missherlots at 10:28 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]


Pain and suffering is part of life, but I choose to feel love and compassion for all people excluding no one.

Posts: 96 | Registered: Jan 2011
SoHappyNow
♀ Member
Member # 8923
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

missherlots.......just for the record, I personally think your two cents is worth more like two dollars!


In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer..Albert Camus

***Used to be hit-by-a-train***
Remarried 2/14/14


Posts: 2290 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: USA
SoHappyNow
♀ Member
Member # 8923
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gypsybird87, there is no magic number where one size fits all, unfortunately.

There is no way in the world that I had any business falling in love with my late husband's best friend (BF) this soon. BF told me that he had feelings for me less than two months after my husband died. BF had been separated from his wife about 18 months at that point, and I told him he needed to get a divorce. He did.

I was warned by several concerned oldtimers here, because - on paper, at least - this new love looked like a disaster waiting to happen. And I did appreciate the concern the SI folk were showing me.

But.....we are both over 60. Both quite emotionally and spiritually mature. Neither of us were looking for love. Neither of us "needed" a new partner. But, luckily, neither of us lacked the courage to explore these feelings.

So. If you don't need a partner at all, you're in a much better position to find a really good one. I hope this all makes sense?


In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer..Albert Camus

***Used to be hit-by-a-train***
Remarried 2/14/14


Posts: 2290 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: USA
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:49 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that I am not ready to date. However, I am trying to rebuild my life, and part of that is trying to meet my needs socially. I'm trying to make friends, trying to make the world a better place, trying to be a good example to my children. So I'm volunteering in two different groups. That way I'm meeting my needs while doing good at the same time. There's no pressure when I go that I'm looking for someone or that I need to concern myself in that way. If I was to meet someone, I'd rather meet him while we're doing something good. I'd like to think that my odds of meeting another NPD are lower (notice I didn't say nil) if the location or activity is one involving altruism, compassion, and being "real".

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 2:53 AM, September 23rd (Monday)]


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9674 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for posting this gypsybird. I could have written your post and in fact was about to this morning.

If you don't need a partner at all, you're in a much better position to find a really good one.
Needs versus Wants...seems to be a never ending battle. I guess when it's no longer a battle but an understanding is when things get clearer. At least I hope so.

If I was to meet someone, I'd rather meet her while we're doing something good.

I've been doing me for a few months now and the lonely times creep in more often but the collective wsidom of SI has helped me in the past so I guess I will keep listening.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1903 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Dawnie
♀ Member
Member # 26912
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no magic time table... everyone is different. In my case I met my now husband 6 months after D-day. I was coming out of a 20 year marriage and I never knew how lonely I was until I was out of it. Today is my 4 year anniversary of D-day and I have no regrets with dating that close to D-day and have never been happier in my life.


DIVORCED! Remarried to a real man!
BW (me) - 41 (now 46)
WH (him) - 43 (now 48)
OW - 23 yr old foreign gold digging whore looking for her American meal ticket
1 14 yr old son (now 19)
married 20 years/together 25 years
D day - 9/23/2009 5pm

Posts: 802 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Mid Atlantic coast
Bebba1171
♂ Member
Member # 33857
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D-Day was Sept 16, 2011.

Marriage was annulled in May 2012.

Finished trial in August 2012.

Reached out to a gal on Match.com in September 2013.

Worked out well for me. With the exception of a two week breakup initiated by me, we have been dating ever since.

Everyone is different. I had really low testosterone which pretty much took my interest in women away except for communications with some very attractive gals on SI!


Divorced by Interlocutory decree in May 2012. WW had an affair with a 66 yo doctor she worked for.
D-Day Sept 16. 2011.
BH- 52 (Me) / XWW 50 - ages back in 2011
Two great kids that don't deserve this!

Posts: 727 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: USA
wildbananas
♀ Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I started dating almost immediately after ex-asshat and I split for the final time. I thought I was ready because we'd been off and on for about six years. Big, giant mistake. I may have not loved ex-asshat anymore but I had years of damage I needed to process and come to terms with before moving forward.

My rebound relationship lasted about four years total. I then took two years off to be alone and it was the best decision ever. I got to find out who I really was after years of being told I was always wrong and surprise, I was totally different than I thought!

Being alone/single to heal is time well spent. And there is no timetable but you'll know when you're ready to step out into the dating world again.

[This message edited by wildbananas at 1:20 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15396 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm one of the few that waited, and I'm so glad that I did.

I waited until about 2 years after the D was final - it's been final for 5 years now.

You really have to be comfortable with yourself before you can even comprehend a healthy relationship with someone else.

Humor for you all: At the time of my D, my goal was to be re-married within 2 years. Yikes - I'm so glad that it didn't turn out that way.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7653 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, thanks everyone for the additional responses. It helps so much to see all the different perspectives. I love this:

Being alone/single to heal is time well spent.

When I was having a difficult time recently, and it seemed like XWH and OW were living this happy-go-lucky life, my IC told me something. She said that his track in life is a circle: Relationship, cheat, leave, relationship, cheat, leave, on and on forever, never going anywhere. And that my track in life, while sometimes slow, rough and uphill, is at least going somewhere. Even if I slide backwards occasionally, once I get moving again, I'm moving forward, and he is not.

She promised me this track I'm on leads somewhere good. Somewhere I can really be happy in myself, and find someone deserving to share it with. I hope she's right. And I guess I'll know I'm there, when I get there.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 823 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
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