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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Don't know where to turn
Melody3
♀ Member
Member # 33591
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weekends are really hard for me for some reason. I've had anxiety all week but even worse today.

I'm thinking of calling WH and just telling him we work on it. I don't think I can go thru with this. A close friend says I deserve more. Maybe I don't. IDK I just can't do this anymore.

I want to quit my job and everything else.


BS (me): 37
WH: 37
Separated: 9/2/2010
DDay: 10/2010 PA with OW. Married 13 yrs, Together 20
Two kids, 7 (daughter) & 3(son)
Divorced 12/2013

Posts: 752 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh honey, is this really what you want or is it that you think staying/R'ing with him will magically make life better?

I am so, so sorry that you are in so much pain. I too find weekends hard as I have less structure and distractions. In no way would reintroducing my x into my life make it better though. It is just a stage that I need to work through.

Do you have people in real life that you can call on or get in to help you?

I would hate to see you settle for less than you deserve because you are feeling very low and vulnerable at the moment.

((((Melody3)))


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 722 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
silentlyscreamin
♀ New Member
Member # 34792
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry you feel this way. You sound very overwhelmed and for good reason. Don't give up on yourself and what you deserve. I will leave you with this quote, as it has helped me on my weaker days:

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
― Anaïs Nin

Right now you are in the dysfunctional comfort of your "bud", but it sounds like this normalcy is now more painful, than the risk to grow. I think you will find your strength and realize that you will be better off in the long run, if you push through with your separation. stay strong!


Married 5 years
DD 12/31/11 EA
DD#2 12/27/12 PA, started 9/12, ended 12/12
Status: living together due to finances but I feel continued anger and am leaning 95% toward divorce

Posts: 49 | Registered: Feb 2012
trappe25
♀ New Member
Member # 38513
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Melody: I just wanted to chime in a little. I think of divorce all the time and mention it all the time and just a few minutes ago mentioned it to him - I'm obsessed with it - and I'm still in PTSD also.

I would only take him back if he was doing intense therapy and marriage therapy. But you don't have to follow through with the divorce this second, right? My hair dresser has been separated from her spouse for almost 10 years because it is better for her financially not to divorce right now or in the near future - she may when it is better for her. So you shouldn't feel pressured just because you have gone as far as you have. Things can be done in the future.

If you want, maybe you 2 could have date nights and see how that goes. He has a long road to toll and he has a lot of work to do - see if he loves you and the kids enough to do the work. Get to know him, if he wants/you want. Dating, if you are so unsure, would be a good treatment to these feelings of what to do with him. IC/MC/dating.

On another note - so sorry about the job. Jobs can be almost worse than cheating Hs. I had the worst job in the entire world and quit because of how disfunctional so many of the workers were (yes, a lot were divorced and depressed and in unhappy marriages or were single moms that never were married and made it hell on everyone else) but the bosses/owners were worse: happily married yet looked down on everyone and treated everyone like sh&t, divorced and treated everyone like sh&t, married and cheating all the time and treated everyone like sh&t. I almost went insane, really. So the reason I'm saying this is yes, a job can ruin you.

You are going through so much. Is your H still working? Do you have no other support aside from daycare? What a fix to be in. What does your H say about all this?

It just seems your life is in such flux - maybe hold off and try to breathe and not pressure yourself into D right this minute. My 2 cents.

[This message edited by trappe25 at 12:49 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]


Posts: 27 | Registered: Feb 2013
Melody3
♀ Member
Member # 33591
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has the decree (draft) as of last Sunday when he demanded it. He knew that I had been to the attorney upon his urging and asked to see it. He was livid. He said that I should get the house and child support but nothing else. I have next to nothing in my retirement. He on the other hand does but he said "You didn't work for that you don't get any of it....." Nice. He was awful and sent me horrible texts and phone calls. He hasn't said much this week since. And that's probably for the best.

Thanks for a fellow SI'er for helping me each and every morning because I REALLY struggle at the start of my day.

The push for the divorce............he wants a house. If we're still married I have to sign the mortgage! My credit is good and I can't go into financial ruin due to him. I can't pay for my own house and his (should he lose his job or something). I can't risk that. If he weren't pushing this house thing and this hadn't went on for 3 years i might wait and see.........

You said your friend has been separated 10 years? wow. How does she feel? Does she date?

I'm still really overwhelmed at work. This job is just not going to work out. I have to work though so I'm going to keep looking as I work this job. IT's an extremely negative atmosphere and I dislike the work. It wasn't what they made it out to be. I can't be in sales. This is insurance. I really want to get back into the legal field.

I've reached out to a few close friends, and I'm planning more things. I think they finally "got it" how bad I had gotten, BUT i had to put it out there too. I couldn't keep putting on a happy face. So I have went to lunch a couple of times, and talking to more people via text or email. The kids take up so much of my time I'm not on the phone much.

God, thank you all for your continued support. I feel uplifted when you make a comment or message me. Then I know others are in my corner and there for me. It means so much. I don't have a lot of people in my life. My kids, my elderly parents, and then the majority of people I knew were my husband's family. But I do have a few friends I have always relied on. Some not so much. I've learned. Some don't want to talk to me anymore because IDK?? Maybe they have never felt this type of pain and can't relate. IDK.


BS (me): 37
WH: 37
Separated: 9/2/2010
DDay: 10/2010 PA with OW. Married 13 yrs, Together 20
Two kids, 7 (daughter) & 3(son)
Divorced 12/2013

Posts: 752 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
Melody3
♀ Member
Member # 33591
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trappe25, we tried dating a bit this summer, but he was still talking to other women. He said if we were not fully reconcilled then there was no reason he couldn't talk/see others.


BS (me): 37
WH: 37
Separated: 9/2/2010
DDay: 10/2010 PA with OW. Married 13 yrs, Together 20
Two kids, 7 (daughter) & 3(son)
Divorced 12/2013

Posts: 752 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
Melody3
♀ Member
Member # 33591
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

silentlyscreamin
Thank you for that quote. It was awesome.


BS (me): 37
WH: 37
Separated: 9/2/2010
DDay: 10/2010 PA with OW. Married 13 yrs, Together 20
Two kids, 7 (daughter) & 3(son)
Divorced 12/2013

Posts: 752 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
shiloe
♀ Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

we tried dating a bit this summer, but he was still talking to other women. He said if we were not fully reconcilled then there was no reason he couldn't talk/see others.

Gee, thats telling, still cake eating. He is obviously not interested in doing the hard work of R.
"You didn't work for that you don't get any of it....." Nice. He was awful and sent me horrible texts and phone calls

You need to go NC with him.

I am sorry, I know how hard it is and what a mind-f@$k it does to a spouse.
Watch your back, he may try to say you are an unfit mother.

[This message edited by shiloe at 7:52 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with married ho-worker. Kicked him out, he filed

Posts: 565 | Registered: Mar 2003
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Content  Posted: 9:40 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Melody - I am so sorry, honey. Big hugs to you. I feel really angry with how he is treating you:
-"demanding" the divorce decree
-being "livid" when he saw it
-saying that you should only get the house and CS (that's not for him to decide)
-you won't get any of his retirement bc you didn't "work" for it. (In my state, this is untrue; I will get at least half of WH's retirement bc it was acquired while we were M so it is considered community marital property).
-he wants to get a house (I agree that you do NOT want your name on his house, God no - for all the reasons you described).

Let your Ls figure it out - what he says doesn't matter and is bullshit anyway.

Stay strong, you're doing great! One. day. at. a. time.

(((((((Melody)))))))


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
Melody3
♀ Member
Member # 33591
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I suppose he could resort to those tactics that I'm "unfit" mother but I doubt it. He doesn't want the children that often to make that case........And I have enough on him when he left us after our son was born and then for the next 1 1/2 years as he lived with another woman in another state.......I've got plenty to show he was a totally unfit parent. And still is.

Tonight I'm re-reading my comments I made. When he says those things to me they are so natural for him to say and I take them to heart. I think maybe I don't deserve more. I didn't get up every morning and go to that job, even though in my mind I know legally I have the right to his pension. Only for the years we were married. IDK what will happen. I know he wants me to give in. I am letting the attorney advise me on this. But, I also don't want this to go on for so much time to come. Emotionally, I don't think I can handle it.

A friend called tonight, and I had to stop. They were asking about details of the divorce, and how relived I'll feel when it's done. I won't & I started getting really really panicked thinking about it. I won't have as much money. There will be the court order saying the kids go there every other weekend. It sounds like the pits. But what's the alternative. I will have to pay so much for my own health insurance. I have to look into the new options now with this affordable health care. Then got a notice our daycare rates are going up. Ugh.....This is when I know at least I see my counselor tomorrow, I have to take one day at a time, and to date I've made it financially the past 3 years thru a TON of up's and down's.


BS (me): 37
WH: 37
Separated: 9/2/2010
DDay: 10/2010 PA with OW. Married 13 yrs, Together 20
Two kids, 7 (daughter) & 3(son)
Divorced 12/2013

Posts: 752 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
Melody3
♀ Member
Member # 33591
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's so hard for me to go NC with him.

Why?!

He treats me so badly w/ his words.

Feel like it's just our "normal." ugh


BS (me): 37
WH: 37
Separated: 9/2/2010
DDay: 10/2010 PA with OW. Married 13 yrs, Together 20
Two kids, 7 (daughter) & 3(son)
Divorced 12/2013

Posts: 752 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 31
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