I'm thinking of calling WH and just telling him we work on it. I don't think I can go thru with this. A close friend says I deserve more. Maybe I don't. IDK I just can't do this anymore.
I want to quit my job and everything else.
I am so, so sorry that you are in so much pain. I too find weekends hard as I have less structure and distractions. In no way would reintroducing my x into my life make it better though. It is just a stage that I need to work through.
Do you have people in real life that you can call on or get in to help you?
I would hate to see you settle for less than you deserve because you are feeling very low and vulnerable at the moment.
"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou
"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
― Anaïs Nin
Right now you are in the dysfunctional comfort of your "bud", but it sounds like this normalcy is now more painful, than the risk to grow. I think you will find your strength and realize that you will be better off in the long run, if you push through with your separation. stay strong!
I would only take him back if he was doing intense therapy and marriage therapy. But you don't have to follow through with the divorce this second, right? My hair dresser has been separated from her spouse for almost 10 years because it is better for her financially not to divorce right now or in the near future - she may when it is better for her. So you shouldn't feel pressured just because you have gone as far as you have. Things can be done in the future.
If you want, maybe you 2 could have date nights and see how that goes. He has a long road to toll and he has a lot of work to do - see if he loves you and the kids enough to do the work. Get to know him, if he wants/you want. Dating, if you are so unsure, would be a good treatment to these feelings of what to do with him. IC/MC/dating.
On another note - so sorry about the job. Jobs can be almost worse than cheating Hs. I had the worst job in the entire world and quit because of how disfunctional so many of the workers were (yes, a lot were divorced and depressed and in unhappy marriages or were single moms that never were married and made it hell on everyone else) but the bosses/owners were worse: happily married yet looked down on everyone and treated everyone like sh&t, divorced and treated everyone like sh&t, married and cheating all the time and treated everyone like sh&t. I almost went insane, really. So the reason I'm saying this is yes, a job can ruin you.
You are going through so much. Is your H still working? Do you have no other support aside from daycare? What a fix to be in. What does your H say about all this?
It just seems your life is in such flux - maybe hold off and try to breathe and not pressure yourself into D right this minute. My 2 cents.
[This message edited by trappe25 at 12:49 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]
Thanks for a fellow SI'er for helping me each and every morning because I REALLY struggle at the start of my day.
The push for the divorce............he wants a house. If we're still married I have to sign the mortgage! My credit is good and I can't go into financial ruin due to him. I can't pay for my own house and his (should he lose his job or something). I can't risk that. If he weren't pushing this house thing and this hadn't went on for 3 years i might wait and see.........
You said your friend has been separated 10 years? wow. How does she feel? Does she date?
I'm still really overwhelmed at work. This job is just not going to work out. I have to work though so I'm going to keep looking as I work this job. IT's an extremely negative atmosphere and I dislike the work. It wasn't what they made it out to be. I can't be in sales. This is insurance. I really want to get back into the legal field.
I've reached out to a few close friends, and I'm planning more things. I think they finally "got it" how bad I had gotten, BUT i had to put it out there too. I couldn't keep putting on a happy face. So I have went to lunch a couple of times, and talking to more people via text or email. The kids take up so much of my time I'm not on the phone much.
God, thank you all for your continued support. I feel uplifted when you make a comment or message me. Then I know others are in my corner and there for me. It means so much. I don't have a lot of people in my life. My kids, my elderly parents, and then the majority of people I knew were my husband's family. But I do have a few friends I have always relied on. Some not so much. I've learned. Some don't want to talk to me anymore because IDK?? Maybe they have never felt this type of pain and can't relate. IDK.
we tried dating a bit this summer, but he was still talking to other women. He said if we were not fully reconcilled then there was no reason he couldn't talk/see others.
"You didn't work for that you don't get any of it....." Nice. He was awful and sent me horrible texts and phone calls
You need to go NC with him.
I am sorry, I know how hard it is and what a mind-f@$k it does to a spouse.
Watch your back, he may try to say you are an unfit mother.
[This message edited by shiloe at 7:52 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]
Let your Ls figure it out - what he says doesn't matter and is bullshit anyway.
Stay strong, you're doing great! One. day. at. a. time.
Tonight I'm re-reading my comments I made. When he says those things to me they are so natural for him to say and I take them to heart. I think maybe I don't deserve more. I didn't get up every morning and go to that job, even though in my mind I know legally I have the right to his pension. Only for the years we were married. IDK what will happen. I know he wants me to give in. I am letting the attorney advise me on this. But, I also don't want this to go on for so much time to come. Emotionally, I don't think I can handle it.
A friend called tonight, and I had to stop. They were asking about details of the divorce, and how relived I'll feel when it's done. I won't & I started getting really really panicked thinking about it. I won't have as much money. There will be the court order saying the kids go there every other weekend. It sounds like the pits. But what's the alternative. I will have to pay so much for my own health insurance. I have to look into the new options now with this affordable health care. Then got a notice our daycare rates are going up. Ugh.....This is when I know at least I see my counselor tomorrow, I have to take one day at a time, and to date I've made it financially the past 3 years thru a TON of up's and down's.
He treats me so badly w/ his words.
Feel like it's just our "normal." ugh