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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Don't know where to turn
Melody3
♀ Member
Member # 33591
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since I met with my lawyer last week I don't know where to turn. I'm messing up at work, home, and everywhere else. I just feel like I'm a total mess. It's probably time to end this marriage now that the paperwork is almost complete.

I can't hardly get out of bed in the mornings, and I cannot admit this to others. I'm late for work and it's all catching up to me. I can't be a 24/7 mom anymore but the kids need/want me. I have been to counseling. I take the antidepressants prescribed. What is wrong with me? And will I ever be happy again?


BS (me): 38
WH: 38
Separated: 9/2/2010
DDay: 10/2010 PA with OW. Married 13 yrs, Together 20
Two kids, 8 (daughter) & 4(son)
Divorced 12/2013
OW moves 10 min's away from kids and I with my Ex. 6/2014.

Posts: 788 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
anewday78
♂ Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does your company have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP)? You may be able to inquire with HR about taking a leave of absence so you can have some time to work through this trauma.
I'm so sorry you're in this funk. Please try your best to look to the beauty in your life - it's there, you just have to shovel off some of the crap that's been dumped on you.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
Strongmama
♀ Member
Member # 33062
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, this breaks my heart because I too was there long ago. The good news is that I'm now divorced, and happy, and after you get the toxic and lies and chaos gone you can start on yourself.
You need to be extra gentle with yourself. I like that idea of taking some time off if you can. These cheating assholes know nothing of the pain; fear; trauma they put the mother/father of their kids through.
So horrible.
Hang in there. Please give yourself some rest time.
Gah! I'm so sorry! I wish I could help you:(
(((Melody3))). You're going to be okay. Happy. Free. Yes, busy with your kids, and happy! Just takes time and it's a roller coaster.

Posts: 662 | Registered: Aug 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:42 AM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. ((((HUGS))))

You say you cannot tell others. I have to ask why? Why can't you? Is it that you have no friends or family to talk to IRL? Or are you ashamed of what's happening?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9814 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 4:59 AM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First thing you need to do is speak with your Dr and therapist. Explain in great detail your feelings. To me you sound like your suffering from moderate to severe depression. And quite possibly PTSD. You also need to seek short term disability to get yourself back on your feet. This will protect your employment legally. Also speak to your employer. Tell them what's going on in your life. 9 out of 10 times your employer will be eager to assist you. If your employer has an EAP use it. Right now this medical condition is getting the better of you. And yes, depression is a medical condition !!! Like any other medical condition it must be dealt with swiftly. I strongly urge you to take these steps. Otherwise your depression will get worse and you might get fired to boot. Just because you are on A/D's does not mean its the right one for you or the dosage may need correcting. It can take many weeks or even months to get A/D's prescribed correctly. You must work with your Dr. to get the proper medication and dosage corrected. Depression is a serious illness. Its not some passing feeling of being down in the dumps. Your body is telling you it needs help. I suggest you listen to it. Good luck friend.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5718 | Registered: Nov 2007
Melody3
♀ Member
Member # 33591
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all. I wish I could take a leave from my work. But like an idiot I changed jobs 2 months ago to a smaller company. They don't have that option. In fact yesterday i was told I need to give 150% in my job and step up to challenges, etc...

I worked for a horrible boss who was very demenaning to me at my old job of the past 9 mo's. I found this small nice insurance company. They seemed great when I intereviwed. Now that I'm there I'm finding out why no one had taken this job before me. It's pretty toxic there. Boss doesn't even speak to me unless it's negative.

I feel like resigning. IDK what to do. I want to run away. I can't handle all this anymore. My body is trying to cope but with my mind scattered I cannot.

I've made some mistakes career wise trying to look for something better but I've had 3 jobs in the past 1 1/2 years. I worked at my old job for 12 years! No I'm so unstable. The bosses I've had have just been horrible and very insensitive.

I can't talk to family & friends because they just say to move on and get over him. You've been stuck long enough. They seem "irritated" me. My dr. quit his clinic this past week. I have med's, but I need to meet with my counselor on a regular weekly basis. You are correct. I have mild depression, anxiety, and PTSD. My dr. and counselor have confirmed all of the above.

The WH doesn't take the kids for regular visits. He's off doing God's knows what. I can't force him. ANd I feel trapped. Kids don't want to go but then there is no break.

I am not one to have a pity party and fall apart, but it's all caught up to me.


BS (me): 38
WH: 38
Separated: 9/2/2010
DDay: 10/2010 PA with OW. Married 13 yrs, Together 20
Two kids, 8 (daughter) & 4(son)
Divorced 12/2013
OW moves 10 min's away from kids and I with my Ex. 6/2014.

Posts: 788 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
Melody3
♀ Member
Member # 33591
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went back to bed this morning after I gave the kids some cereal and turned on cartoons. Text WH and told him he needs to see the kids. He got here and I was crying terribly. I didn't want to get up. Didn't want to go on. I told him this. He cleaned up the house, wrote out a grocery list, took our son, and left our daughter with me because she didn't want to go.

This morning I thought about it. I didn't want to live this life anymore. I've taken my med's and left a message for my counselor since then. I'm still really shaky ( I know now I was starting to have a panic attack) and got a little food in my stomach. I have just either been eating nothing or a soda and a few crackers or chips. I gotta snap out of this. I know better. But when that darkness and panic hits it's tough. Has anyone else felt this. I feel worse than I did when he left us almost.


BS (me): 38
WH: 38
Separated: 9/2/2010
DDay: 10/2010 PA with OW. Married 13 yrs, Together 20
Two kids, 8 (daughter) & 4(son)
Divorced 12/2013
OW moves 10 min's away from kids and I with my Ex. 6/2014.

Posts: 788 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. I was there I the extremely dark place. Didn't have a job, alone with my kids in a big house and scared out of my mind about the future, how would I go on, how would I take care of my kids, who would ever love me?

I was a mess. It was a week or so before Christmas 2 years ago. He had just moved out about 5 weeks before and had kept me hanging on while still seeing the OW and lying about the whole thing still.

I broke. Mentally, emotionally, physically. I had lost nearly 40lbs at that point, wasn't sleeping or eating, was unable to care for or about anyone.

I called him totally hysterical and said he needed to come take care of his kids. I just needed a break.

I understand where you are. I've been there. I was able to pick myself up and get healthy again but it took my therapist, my doctor, and my friends to pull me up.

Get help. Please. For you, for your kids. They need you. You can do it.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Melody3
♀ Member
Member # 33591
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks PurpleRose. I didn't know where else to turn. And I turned to him. But he did help today.

This afternoon a friend of mine called. She had not spoken to me in a while. She also is trying to help me get on the right track w/ a bible study group. I said I have no one to watch my kids. She said we'll make it work. I also think I need to see a counselor once a week right now.

As for work, idk. There is not much I can do there since I'm only 2 mo's into the job. At my old job I looked it up and I could have had 2 weeks unpaid leave. So not much.

I'm embarrassed, depressed, and feeling hopeless but I think I need to be more honest with my friends and family about how things are right now to get me out of this spot I'm in.

WH returned this afternoon w/ groceries to stock the fridge and to take care of the kids. When he left I felt down again. But I did nothing wrong. He is there dad and damnit he needs to help me. I was there for him in terrible rough times.........

God I wish this day would end and hope and pray my kids will weather this storm with me.


BS (me): 38
WH: 38
Separated: 9/2/2010
DDay: 10/2010 PA with OW. Married 13 yrs, Together 20
Two kids, 8 (daughter) & 4(son)
Divorced 12/2013
OW moves 10 min's away from kids and I with my Ex. 6/2014.

Posts: 788 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's ok. You needed his help today and you got it.

I needed his help that day too, and I got it, but the price was high and not one I was willing to pay again after that.

I know you will find a way thru this. I'm so glad your friend called! I had begun to isolate myself too, thinking no one wanted to hear about me or my problems again. But they were there for me, and didn't give up on me thank god.

Lean on your friends. You need to find your inner strength somehow. He is not your friend anymore. He will bring more hurt, and right now that is the last thing you need.

Hang in there. We are all here for you.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
evephoebe1
♀ Member
Member # 36923
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have much helpful advice, except to hang in there and try to take care of yourself.

Do something for "you" every day. Even if it's just sitting on a lawn chair outside for half an hour to soak up some sun and smell the fresh air. Sometimes, when my kids are sleeping, I go to my backyard at night and gaze up at the moon and stars while inhaling in the cool night air.

I've been in that dark place and it's horrid. (((hugs)))

[This message edited by evephoebe1 at 5:45 PM, September 21st (Saturday)]


Me: Survivor! BS (47)
Him: WH (45)
2 awesome kids, 13 & 16

Posts: 92 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: evephoebe1
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sweetie, call your friends and family and be honest with them. No one that cares about you wants to see you in so much pain - I'm sure they would like to help you if you give them a chance. You don't have to be Superwoman - it's okay to ask for help. Get on the phone!


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5243 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Melody)))

Yes, I have been where you are. It's been three years for me too and the nightmare still runs through my head every day. It's horrible. I don't understand how anyone could do something like this to another person. How do they sleep at night?

So sorry for what you are going through. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, Melody. I had this too and sometimes it comes back. For me, it was diagnosed as depression and ptsd from the trauma of all he did.

The very first feeling of relief I got was appealing to my senses, which was a step at a time. This was through sound or smell, or feeling, like temperature, which eventually broke through my foggy thoughts and brought my mind into the present. There are other elementary meditation things that I worked on that helped when it was severe.

An example is that I would get in a hot bath with a cold drink, or smell a candle or soap I liked and tell myself about it. It helped me think about "right now" and then I would follow it with, "I'm ok", because even though I wasn't happy, I also was, simply...ok. But I had to help myself realize it because my mind was so stuck in the grief that I didn't.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Gr8Panoz
♂ New Member
Member # 40746
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For what it's worth, I'm a guy and I have the same issues. I hope that doesn't sound misogynistic but being a "man" hasn't spared me any of the grief you're working through. My family has rallied around me in ways I couldn't imagine. I'm almost 32 and I cry on the phone with my mom every night. But she understands and I can only hope yours will too.

This situation is unfortunately common and happening to a lot of people at this very moment. This helped me a little. I've got counseling weekly and am meeting with a psychiatrist as well to change my meds as they were not working.

You are not messing up! Any one who could experience this without falling down is not a person worth being. If you weren't struggling I'd worry more (my mom tells me this every night). It means you are a good person with feelings and a heart that has been hurt.

I'm only just starting my own adventure. My counter claim goes in tomorrow. So I'll extend the figurative hand or shoulder with everyone else here. We'll prop you up and help you through it.


Me: 31 BS
Her: 28 STBXW
Kids: 5 & 7
DDay 8-24-13
Divorce started: 9-5-13
Divorce Final: ?

Posts: 26 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Idaho
Gr8Panoz
♂ New Member
Member # 40746
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I should also mention, the other man is my boss. So yeah, going to work is very difficult but I have to do it for my kids. Any failures at this point will negatively effect my custody.


Me: 31 BS
Her: 28 STBXW
Kids: 5 & 7
DDay 8-24-13
Divorce started: 9-5-13
Divorce Final: ?

Posts: 26 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Idaho
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 1:46 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Melody, hang in there I read your post and feel your pain . You are not alone believe me, I was there not too long ago . If I can suggest something it would be to stop calling him for help, cut him out completely it worked for me and many others here . I used to want to turn to her with the pain but f--k her I would not give her the satisfaction. I know it hurts but do not let him see you like that anymore, do not let him put you in that place ! Success will be your best revenge . Take care of you , get insanity DVD and use it to release your pain you can do it for 45 minutes at home , I do it with my kids , they love it . I still fall in and out of that depression too but the intervals are a lot farther apart. Lean on your true friends and family and be careful who you think they are . Just some friendly advice , stay strong and know that you are not alone in this journey. All the best


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 676 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Melody3
♀ Member
Member # 33591
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you all for your responses. i'm glad to have support. I felt very very alone.

I'm going to pull myself up out of the hole I'm in for the kids. I must.


BS (me): 38
WH: 38
Separated: 9/2/2010
DDay: 10/2010 PA with OW. Married 13 yrs, Together 20
Two kids, 8 (daughter) & 4(son)
Divorced 12/2013
OW moves 10 min's away from kids and I with my Ex. 6/2014.

Posts: 788 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
Melody3
♀ Member
Member # 33591
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you all for your responses. i'm glad to have support. I felt very very alone.

I'm going to pull myself up out of the hole I'm in for the kids. I must.


BS (me): 38
WH: 38
Separated: 9/2/2010
DDay: 10/2010 PA with OW. Married 13 yrs, Together 20
Two kids, 8 (daughter) & 4(son)
Divorced 12/2013
OW moves 10 min's away from kids and I with my Ex. 6/2014.

Posts: 788 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
Melody3
♀ Member
Member # 33591
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm reviewing the divorce decree so we can proceed forward.

I'm on "notice" at work if I'm late again. My "tardiness" is an issue. I have been 5 to 10 min's late due to issues at my son (age 3) daycare. He's been fussy and upset. I've had to stay with him in the mornings to help him adjust, etc...He changed into a diff. room at daycare that includes 3, 4, 5's, and it's been a huge adjustment. This happened shortly after I strated this job. I always make up my time or don't take breaks. We have 1/2 hour for lunch which isn't much. I drive an hour roundtrip. So it's a long day. But I don't know what else to do. I shouldn't have changed jobs. The boss is the biggest jerk I have ever met. He never speaks to me. Never says hello, goodbye, nothing. I'm surprised he knows my name and we are in a TINY office.

Med's are filled. Counseling appt. once a week.

Thank you for reminding me that Iwill get thru this. I feel hopeless at times. I feel I should have tried R. It's my fault. I feel guilt. I feel like I'm breaking up the family because I sought the attorney. Why? Because for 20 years I've been controlled and felt I had to do what my WH felt was best. This is the first time I've been an independent thinker and actor! Actually in my mind I think i've always been independent and "done it my own way" but in reality I followed what he thought we should do.

Thank you for the reminder re: my senses. I did that today. I recall when he left I had to do that. I had to stop and feel the wind, listen to the leaves on the trees rustling, hear a bird. I oculdn't listen to music on the radio I would burst out crying. I had to reconnect w/ my 5 senses. It's like that all over again. I guess it is PTSD. I never made the connection even though my counselor mentioned it but you are all right about it. God it's awful.

Thank you for all being there. Thank you.


BS (me): 38
WH: 38
Separated: 9/2/2010
DDay: 10/2010 PA with OW. Married 13 yrs, Together 20
Two kids, 8 (daughter) & 4(son)
Divorced 12/2013
OW moves 10 min's away from kids and I with my Ex. 6/2014.

Posts: 788 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 31
Pages: 1 · 2

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