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User Topic: Boundaries - Who Knew?
♀ Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your post made me want to cry... I'm sorry for what you experienced as a child. I wish more parents would understand how their actions set their children up for a possible LONG life of pain.

I wish you luck...

Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.

Posts: 455 | Registered: Jun 2013
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I barely gave a fuck about ME. You stood no chance". Its a painful truth, but there you have it.

This really resonated with me. At the time that I was making my choices to do what I did, I had no idea that I had given up on myself so entirely. If you can't even offer yourself protection, how can you protect the ones you're supposed to love?

Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5060 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can't.

Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth

Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
♀ Member
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your comment about loving ourselves made me think about whether I do, even now. It is such a commonly bandied around concept that to love ourselves is important. And yet, I struggle with what that actually MEANS and feels like. I guess I could say that my introspection and delving into those places that hurt, is a form of self love. As well as giving up smoking in the last 4 months and exercising. Until I came to SI, I never understood that infidelity was a form of self-harm or the antithesis of loving ourselves. I just shoved those things away and tried to either justify in my mind why I did that, or averted my heart from the pain its caused ME that I valued myself so little. I never really FELT that or understood that until I read people on here like TG and UO describe it as absolutely trashing ourselves. I was a pretty child, and received many comments on how I looked growing up, especially around the time of becoming a teenager. I was hungry for father-love, attention and approval from a man who I know now was emotionally unavailable and through his own FOO issues, was incapable of real connection. I loved my dad, and would run away from my crazy mother (who had a horror story of a childhood) from the age of 2 as to try and find him, as he drove trucks. Sometimes he would let me come with him, and I did that with him up till the age of 15. I learnt to hide who I was from him, as to gain and keep his approval.I always felt nervous and hyper-vigilant around him, he wasn't the most patient of men. I think I learnt the art of hiding myself with my father, and this has repeated over and over in my relationships. I realise now that I have a deep NEED to be loved. And when I feel pushed away, or I feel ashamed of my neediness, I act out in anger with destructive behaviours. Which I now realise, could all be ameliorated by loving myself and knowing that I am ENOUGH. I think I'm slowly heading there.

Truly Sad;
Thank you for your kind comments. Unfortunately what we have done to us with our own damaged parents, can play out in our own parenting. I know how I've failed my own children, and it's painful to realise this and watch the consequences of that materialise in my children's behaviours. Not that I take the entire blame for this, as their dad has his own FOO issues that influence him in how he interacts and loves his children. So the perfect storm really.

As mentioned earlier, you are a big influence on my lightbulb moments of really getting how little we value ourselves in our choice to commit adultery. It's why I never really FELT the impact of what I had done as I was no where in the equation. That has been a huge eye opener for me, and kept the focus of trying to get to the core of it all, on myself. Thank you

You are right. We can't protect others, when we can't even take care of ourselves. I take some comfort though in that I know now I have the courage to face myself, even if its not pretty. And with each painful realisation I am slowly starting to forgive myself. Not fully there yet.

ETA for clarity

[This message edited by ophelia24 at 4:27 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 283 | Registered: Feb 2013
♀ Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing I learned about myself in all this was as I was growing up (I have somewhat unique FOO issues) was I thought so little of myself that I let others tell me who I was - the "good girl", the dependable one (read "doormat"), not pretty enough to be interesting and not interesting enough to be pretty - and my A was, in part, an effort to prove those people not just wrong but DEAD wrong. For years I not only didn't love myself I didn't even *like* myself.

I'm still a work in progress but I'm getting there.

[This message edited by Clarrissa at 4:46 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49

All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.

Posts: 5891 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
♀ Member
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you Clarissa.

As Socrates said "the unexamined life is not worth living".

Gotta love the truth of that.

“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 283 | Registered: Feb 2013
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