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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is A season always a nightmare? Christmas especially?
naivewife
♀ Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A season begins for me on Thanksgiving, runs through our anniversary, then Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day, right up to about Easter. So you see what I'm saying, every effing holiday except the 4th of July. Of course, the holidays I'll remember most clearly what was happening on that day last year, so I can see how holidays in particular will be the hardest. Has anyone had a not too horrible first A season antiversary? My biggest concern is Christmas. We have two little boys, a three year old and what will be a 1 year old by that time, and it just breaks my heart to think that I could be feeling devastation on what should be such a special day for our family, this year and every year after. I really want to find some way to enjoy this time but is that expecting too much?


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2013
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS slept with OW for first time on Christmas Day, and it continued to spiral out of control until he got arrested Easter Monday. I am literally dreading the next few months. I don't want to see Christmas decorations or hear Christmas music. It all just makes me angry.

I think these holidays are ruined for a lot of people. Hopefully it will get better in time


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he slept with her on Christmas Day??

Mine was in an affair during Christmas and I know at least texted her during the day... ugh! Gave me a Tiffany necklace with our initials on it that I just can't bear to wear....

At any rate, we're flying our son home, will have tons of food and other kids home and we are planning a Breaking Bad marathon session. Past poor choices won't ruin my favorite holiday.

[This message edited by rachelc at 1:59 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5253 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you need to plan something special on these holidays that hold meaning now and will again in the future. Maybe buy each other a special decoration to hang on the tree that has special meaning.
Going on a weekend to yourselves the weekend before thanksgiving etc etc. you gave to let go of those bad memories. away to start that is building new happy ones.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he slept with her on Christmas Day??

Yup. He had to go to the office to do inventory. Got drunk, and had sex with her for the first time in the office.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
velvethammer
♀ Member
Member # 40437
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine was in the affair over Christmas and got her a gift...I didn't even get a card.

I've read somewhere that we should try to make new traditions and be super good to ourselves on holidays/anniversaries...does anyone who's gone through it have any ideas?

Maybe we should celebrate Festivus like on Seinfeld? I'm half kidding but really making up a new holiday might work or even a new holiday the day before or after the dreaded one?

We don't have any traditions even. What are some traditions anyone has that they enjoyed or that were special to them?


Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2013
Dreamland
♀ Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh I hate holidays. Yep.. He started right after thanksgiving all through march. Our anniversary he was late because of her. Well I cooked and waited.. he shows up and hands me some flowers.. and then that was it.. nothing I was pissed needless to say it was bad. Never gave me anything.
On Christmas Eve texting all night and then I had the week after Xmas off we were suppose to go to the cabin and he gave some lame excuse. So DD and I were hanging out at home cooking and playing videos and games while he was with his B. New Years our DD was with friends so I thought we could have a romantic night. Righ before midnight he retires to his room.. We were roomates at that time. He has major restless leg syndrome and apnea wouldnt let me sleep. Later when I looked at phone he was texted her happy new year and the texted all night until dawn. It went into a PA that week. So I hate this time of year..


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWH's A season leached from Halloween to Christmas. PA Dec 17th, DDay Dec 19th, DDay#2 Dec 20th, FWH's grandfather died Dec 21st.... and to wrap things up, it was DD3y's FIRST Christmas.

I was so scared/mad that holidays seemed to be ruined forever. I had to nuke anything Christmas related that year. No radio, no decorations, no gifts... it was miserable.

The next year was really hard. There was sadness and resentment and triggers.

The year after that, though? I had a new nephew and a daughter who had joy and wonder for all things Christmas. Something blossomed in the wreckage and I can honestly say that I look forward to holidays again. It's still a work in progress, but it's going uphill and that's a relief.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17810 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have an affair season since mine had 4 AP's, and one was a LTA. His affairs span a 5 year period, the LTA was 27 months.

I can either hate all holidays, birthdays, etc. Or, I can choose to attach my happy memories with them and make new memories. I can even make our last DDay have a better meaning because it is his sobriety date.

I'm not saying some days aren't hard in a small way, but I try to no longer dwell on them. This weekend we are celebrating our anniversary, the first one in 3 years. I refused to "celebrate" after each DDay. I'm not letting the affairs take any more happiness away from me.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Try to focus on the kids as much as possible. Make the holiday about them.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Tired05
♀ Member
Member # 39609
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The *main* affair is the one that will have the most impact on me in my season. Of course he has As scattered all over the place, but that A was from around beginning of October to beginning of March (daughter was born March 1st)...and then he broke NC a few times (one was the day after my bday) after that until June.

He didn't give me an Xmas, Valentine's day, Birthday, or Anniversary present...and I gave him one for each of them. In fact, he actually put down my presents to OW in order to make it sounds to her like he was 'just not feeling' the marriage anymore. Of course she also bought him lavish gifts on all those days and he complained to her that he couldn't really get her much because I (read: HE) was spending all the money.
I'm pretty sure I won't bother putting much thought into any of those gifts this year.


Together 6 yrs. M 4 yrs. DD born 3/1/2013.
Me: BS -- Him: 1 EA/PA (6mos), PA (MW), and 6 ONS...Been at it for almost 5 yrs. *Still slave to TT* 1st DDay- 11/24/2012,
.....OC due in August.....

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
brknwmn
♀ Member
Member # 40603
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've read somewhere that we should try to make new traditions and be super good to ourselves on holidays/anniversaries...does anyone who's gone through it have any ideas?

I'd love to hear some ideas. My WH slept with his most recent OW on his bday weekend...don't know what I'm going to do next year...I've always done something big...I don't even want to think about it...

I will say that we've been doing really great lately but I am dreading March and the months keep flying by.


Me: 26 BS Him: 29 WH
Together since Dec 2005
officially done 10-30-13

Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.


Posts: 78 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
IDeserveMore
♀ Member
Member # 40460
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, what is it about the holidays? So many of us with similar timelines. My husband also had a Haloween (or a little before) through December affair.

I thought I'd reply since it's so far in my past. 8 years now.

It does fade. It really does. But I have to admit that I think of it every Halloween, every Thanksgiving and every Christmas. You can see from my signature line that it is a chronic thing for me. That is because he refused to tell me anything, saying that what happened between them was their private business. Yeah, I can't believe I'm still with him.

But even with all that crap, it's better, a lot better. I think about it less and less with the years, even on the holidays. But I have to admit, it still comes to mind and I guess it always will.


Me BS 45, him 48, 15yo DD and 13yo DS
DD#1 1998, DD#2 2004
6 years of TT yields chronicity.
I may never get over it.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Aug 2013
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Labor Day through Christmas. Worst are: labor day, veterans day (don't ask), and christmas! LTA, so he spanned the year long holiday cycle. But Christmas d day at our home via reading a sext, so Christmas is the hardest day. And I have two boys in elementary school.

Here is what we did. People here advised us to do something entirely new. and we planned a completely different Christmas last year for the first anti. We actually went out of town for a week, to a beautiful city where our kids had never been, but we had. Everything was different. From our rented apartment with its Christmas tree to the food and customs of this city. We weren't with friends as we had been on d day. We were just 4. It was right for us. It was still tough, and being alone gave me space when I needed it. But we built new memories.

This year I am hoping we move in November, and have Christmas in our new home. No guests again I think.

Good luck. It will get better with time.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To get through the first few holiday seasons we went completely untraditional. We had burritos for Thanksgiving, and we traveled to new places within a few hours of our home to make new memories.

Getting out of Dodge in regards to everything really helps in the beginning.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17810 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
kansas1968
♀ Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 2:35 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe that is the only good thing about a long term affair. My husbands affair was seven years long, so there is no season that isn't affair season. Holidays have not particularly bothered me. The only day that caused problems is our anniversary which I now refuse to acknowledge.

So sorry your holidays have to be ruined. I think as to get through more and more of them while you are reconcilled then the memories will be of those instead of the ones when he was with her.

It is amazing how much stuff is tainted and ruined by affairs. Who would have thought?


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1319 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 4:53 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The *main* A is really the only one that triggers me and that A season runs from now through Thanksgiving. It includes my birthday, DS birthday, Halloween, fWS birthday, and Thanksgiving.

Last year we threw out all traditions that we had. We did completely new and different things on all of those dates as well as significant A dates. We planned very thoroughly, with back up plans if things went south. We planned them together. We focused on each other. Broevil was a trooper.

Many of those new experiences were so good that they have become new traditions and we plan to do them again this year.

We had had an Annual Halloween Party. Halloween was significant in two of the A's. The OM was in our house for the party during the A. Last year I refused to have the party. This year we are going to try it again. It is causing some anxiety but it is something I at least want to try to take back.

Communicate your fears. Work together. Plan backup plans to your backup plans. Try something new and different. Focus on each other. Ask for support from family and friends, if they know about the A tell them exactly what you are doing and why. Use all the resources you have.

[This message edited by Chicho at 4:54 AM, September 20th (Friday)]


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2628 | Registered: Aug 2012
FeelingMN
♂ Member
Member # 32240
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At first I was going to do something like ride my bike as far as I could in one direction and have FWW pick me up when I couldn't possibly go any further. Probably would have gotten about 50 miles. In the end for our first antiversary we would up doing a wine tasting tour and going to the casino after. It was a good day but didn't really reclaim the day for me, it just became the day we went wine tasting and to the casino on our 1st aniversary. I agree though, it A season for me too and 3rd year out it is still pretty tough.


Me 41
fWW 37
DD(19), DS(17), DD(11) (Mine, hers, ours)
Together 14y, Married 12
DDay Aug 2010, 4 mos TT & gaslighting
ONS + EA after 15yr Class reunion out of state

Posts: 267 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Minnesota
wanttofeelwhole
♀ Member
Member # 31830
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A season October 17th through January 3rd. It sounds corny, but tried o focus on all the positives and changed things up a little. We traveled to Florida for Thanksgiving and, thanks to Facebook, I was able to meet up with two highschool friends I hadn't seen in 20 years. It helped that FWH was supportive and sad for our family as well.


Sorry I don't edit the typos
Love is giving someone the power to destroy you...but trusting them not to.-Unknown
For every good reason there is to lie, there is a better reason to tell the truth.-Bo Bennett
Memory is a complicated thing, a rel

Posts: 786 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Sliding down the backside of the rainbow
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know this is an older post but I'm glad I found it.

H was in EA since early 2010 but I really consider A season Nov-May. Our anniversary and my birthday are the only two events not really affected by any memories/triggers.

I've already started triggering because I had a conversation with him last Sep about how he had to be careful in his friendship with her. He assured me they would never be more than friends. She took our family pictures in Oct. Nov is when he realized his feelings for her and 12/26 was their first kiss after he admitted those feelings. The big one for me will be NYE, they had sex for the first time that day.

No idea how to handle this. Thank God for DS.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Topic Posts: 21
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