I am an addict. I have been clean for 9 years. By clean I mean: NO DRUGS, NO ALCOHOL, NO SEX outside my Relationship.
Addiction is a disease that you can never fully understand unless you have it. Even therapists and councilors don't really get it.
Addiction is an obsessive/compulsive disorder, where the tick is self. Addicts cant think of anything, say anything, or do anything that doesn't revolve around themselves. They have a hole in there gut, or a sense of dis-ease, that there is something incomplete with them inside. They obsessively search for something that will fill that hole and make them complete: drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, shopping, food, sports, work, money, you name it. These things work for a short period of time, then the guilt sets in and the hole grows. This is where the cycle of compulsion starts. "Whats next? I need more!!!"
Most addicts I know are sensitive, loving, caring people. They dont want to hurt anyone but that need to fill themselves and the guilt from doing it is so overpowering that they cant stop.
I have found freedom from this vicious cycle ONLY through vigilant 12 step work in a 12 step fellowship. My priorities in order are:
1. 12 Step Fellowship
In any other order I will eventually destroy everything around me.
I am also in a relationship with an addict. The last six years have been a cycle of relapses and A. For her the addiction was the reason (not excuse) for everything. That is her story and I will let her tell it. DDAY was Black Friday 2011 and TT until 9/11/12, when the whole truth came out.
We are in R. We are working vigilantly on R from many different angles. "THE DEAL BREAKER" for me would be lack of 12 step work on her part. If that stops so does the R. I know from my experience and the experience of many others, that It Works...
^^^This is something I wrote in R'ing with an Addict in the I Can Relate forum just about a year ago.
This site mainly focuses on Affair betrayals. In my opinion betrayal is betrayal is betrayal and addiction is addiction is addiction. They are all related in cause and effect. You might find a lot of support in the ICR forum in the threads For Those who Love an Alcoholic and R'ing with an Addict.
In my story with my fWS, I did not know of her affair betrayals for years. Every couple of years there was another let down. Drug relapses, a job firing for stealing, a financial betrayal. In between things would start looking up and my hope would build. Eventually though it would all come crashing back down because the root causes were never addressed. It finally took Dday and the affair betrayals for me to be done. It was the giant straw that broke the camels back. It was also that straw for her. She threw herself into a 12 step fellowship and IC and has been working her ass off ever since. The growth and change I have seen in her has been amazing. She is addressing those root issues!!!
As far as your H....Is there anyway to put together an intervention? Can you get him into a treatment facility? Can you encourage him to attend and participate in 12 step meetings?
As for you...Are there any al-anon or nar-anon meetings in your area? Can you go to an IC? Please read and post here and in the ICR threads and seek support. There are many many of us who deal with multiple betrayal and addiction issues.