Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: TryingToReform (45458)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Why I feel alone
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tuesday night, h and I were reading Love Languages. The 3rd chapter speaks of the initial "obsession", the "high" of infatuation.

It was a hard chapter for me to read. It conjured visions of h with her. I thought of our beginning, our memories and now they all feel tainted. I am not the last person that he has shared this with.

I know that it is not "real". To me, they were fond memories of our beginning, things that we shared and could reminisce about together and we did.

Now he has shared that with another, after me, he went so far as to do the same things with her and take her to the same places. Places that held such importance to me, were a part of our history, our story. Now they cause me pain.

I shared my feelings about this with h. He did not offer any comfort. Ended the reading and went and fell asleep. Ok, overwhelmed. At least he did not become angry, just distant. I felt alone.

Wednesday night, I asked to read, told him that the hard part of the book was done.

He said no, it is too hard for you. It reminds you of too much. If you did not have so many reminders then we could read.

I told him, if so much had not happened I would not have so many reminders. I helps me to read with you, to talk about it.

I think it is too painful for him to see my pain. I think he is still protecting himself. I think his feelings are more important to him than helping me. He is not ready, maybe he never will be to go through the pain, he just wants to avoid it. The same as he always did.

Again, last night I felt alone.

I meditated. I wish I could find the energy to do more for myself.

This is all so sad. I think he really does want R, but I think he wants it easy.

I know that it will never be easy. I am willing to face the pain, guess I don't have the choice. I will not go back to my old life. If he wants to, he will go there alone.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divor


Posts: 1437 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
morethantrying
♀ Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you are so strong!! I always hear that the BS come out of all this with so much strength and character. Lets believe we are doing great and really growing. It is a GOOD thing! Hugs!!!!


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 306 | Registered: Sep 2013
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

morethantrying,

Thank you, every bit of positive reinforcement helps. This is definitely to hardest and most painful thing I have ever tried to overcome.

Strong? No choice I guess. I am trying so hard to be strong, it is a battle. Sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and never wake up.

Strong? Yeah, I suppose so. I find myself saying to myself quite frequently, "I am strong enough now!!!"

I think I would never be able to be strong without all of the support of all of you wonderful, compassionate people.

I am grateful for you all everyday.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divor


Posts: 1437 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, that's so hard. Nothing hurts me more than H going to sleep when I'm upset or unsettled.
I find it extremely difficult to tell him how his actions make me feel but when I do, I tend to feel better.

Maybe try saying this:
When you... (fill in the blank, for example, fall asleep when you know I'm sad) it makes me feel... (sad, hurt, lonely, scared, whatever is your true feeling), I think it would help in the future if you could... (what would help? talking? snuggling?).

It's worth a shot. Or maybe you've tried that technique already.

((hugs))


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 960 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's really hard at first. But after acceptance, then comes fading. The AP kinda fades into obscurity. At least in my case it has started to happen. W sees how she violated EVERYTHING and how it has hurt me and how precious the memories of us together are what we share. She gave it to him for cheap.

Anyway, it will get better. I promise. Takes time. Lots of time.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1401 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Wink  Posted: 11:23 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cantaccept

Hang in there. Regardless of the amount of time that passes between dday and where we are today, I believe we all still struggle at times because of the severity of the hurt and the pain.

Keep encouraging your H to talk to you even if it is hard. Explain to him that by him expressing his feelings that helps you to understand him and helps you to continue to heal.

Thank him in the times he does open up and let him know that when he is honest and shares it eliminates you making assumptions to what he may or may not be feeling.

I understand the sleep thing too. After Dday, my H had no problem sleeping and it ticked me off. Men are from Mars - Women from Venus? I don't know...

Have you been to IC and MC?

At this point moving forward takes a huge leap of faith, trust and honesty...both good and bad.

Good luck. Keep your head up and know that you matter. Your feelings matter and you are not alone.

(((hugs and prayers)))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1224 | Registered: Apr 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((cant))))
It is so hard. I think it's important that you both read love languages, and get a good understanding of each others. This is going to help you in the future, but I'm not convinced that's the book to go through together in the early parts of R.

Mentally I think we can both help each other more once we reach the level of acceptance, ie you get to the point where you know what he did, that he went to your special places, there was nothing you could have done to prevent, or change it now. (here comes the part where I think real healing happend) What you can do is say those places were special to me, I looked at them as our, obviously you didn't see that as being important, how come? Then you say something like with your help I want to make new special places, or want to reclaim those places as ours (your choice).

One of the most hurtful things H did was take OW to a concert to see a band that I found, and I loved, and Listened to all the time. When I found this out, it made me angry and sick. I couldn't listen to their music for months. Then as I started to get stronger, I pulled out my favorite CD of them, and I put it in the stereo, and cranked that bitch up. She wasn't a fan of them, she didn't know what awesome music was, and she certainly wasn't going to take this away from me. I reclaimed it, and renewed my love for the music.
You may have to do the same for those places.
As far as his understanding, it seems that he may just be really getting how much pain and damage he has done, and is struggling with the reality of it.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8744 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((cant))))
It is so hard. I think it's important that you both read love languages, and get a good understanding of each others. This is going to help you in the future, but I'm not convinced that's the book to go through together in the early parts of R.

Mentally I think we can both help each other more once we reach the level of acceptance, ie you get to the point where you know what he did, that he went to your special places, there was nothing you could have done to prevent, or change it now. (here comes the part where I think real healing happend) What you can do is say those places were special to me, I looked at them as our, obviously you didn't see that as being important, how come? Then you say something like with your help I want to make new special places, or want to reclaim those places as ours (your choice).

One of the most hurtful things H did was take OW to a concert to see a band that I found, and I loved, and Listened to all the time. When I found this out, it made me angry and sick. I couldn't listen to their music for months. Then as I started to get stronger, I pulled out my favorite CD of them, and I put it in the stereo, and cranked that bitch up. She wasn't a fan of them, she didn't know what awesome music was, and she certainly wasn't going to take this away from me. I reclaimed it, and renewed my love for the music.
You may have to do the same for those places.
As far as his understanding, it seems that he may just be really getting how much pain and damage he has done, and is struggling with the reality of it.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8744 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ended the reading and went and fell asleep.

I too would be very frustrated by this. Are you reading right before bedtime? If so, do you think reading earlier in the day could change the situation?

Thank him in the times he does open up and let him know that when he is honest and shares it eliminates you making assumptions to what he may or may not be feeling.

1Faith - Thanks! you made me appreciate my WH's actions. He frequently tells me not to hold back on the questions, since my assumptions are usually worse and cause me more pain.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 318 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 9

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.