[This message edited by Running the Race at 2:04 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]
Think of your love & marriage like a bonfire. It's not going to be extinguished all at once. It will take time. A lot of time. And even when it looks to be out, if you kick some of the logs you'll find glowing embers which will flare up momentarily due to the increased oxygen. But that's all it is. A flare up. It will die down again. It doesn't mean the bonfire is going to fully ignite again. The logs have been burned. The fuel has been consumed. It's dying.
You are human. You can't just flip a switch and turn your emotions off. You're not going to get through this process without making some major mistakes. None of us do.
I thought rugsweeping would fix it. It didn't.
I thought if I could just be in his arms we could fix it. It didn't.
I understand what you are feeling friend. I understand the reaching out even though you know you can't ever be with them again.
Once I saw him I could not unsee him. I so wanted to unsee all of it.
I was forever changed by this - I didn't want to be but I was. As was our relationship. The rose-coloured glasses were obliterated. That they needed to be smashed didn't make it hurt any less.
As it turns out I've changed in some good, essential ways too.
It won't always hurt this bad. Old, toxic habits are hard to break but well worth it.
((RTR)) You're going to be OK. Be gentle with yourself. Put this incident behind you and look forward, always forward. There's a great future out there waiting for you - one day you'll reach out for it.
Please don't beat yourself up. You were tired, stressed, and then seeing the pics brought back memories. For years she was the one you hugged when you were down. She was your other half. You faced the world together, with all it's struggles and joys. There is no 1-2-3 way to switch those memories and emotions off. I tried. It didn't work. Take a deep breath, dust yourself off, and keep looking forward. It will get easier. Sending you strength.
I know I shouldn't let it happen, but the contact just feels so good. I even went into the champagne room at a strip bar a few nights, and paid to be able to cuddle for a while.
It does get better. Six months out, I'm still struggling, but it's WAY better. You'll get there, friend.
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!
Please don't be too hard on yourself. Someone much wiser than me posted on here somewhere:
The desire to reach out is compulsion and habit, not love. He's been wired into your life, it takes time to rewire him out.
This helped me a lot. It's the same for you and your EW. Be gentle with yourself. Allow time for those old connections to fade away.
Right now is harder than it looks. ~ Van Halen
I remember having these really strong urges just to touch him again or just stare at him like when I was a teenager. What I noticed about myself was that the emotions used to be so strong that I could not think rationally and would be running on auto pilot, reacting to life and words by instinct...so the old instinct was to reach out to him, but mostly I managed to stop it.
I guess the gyst of my thought to you is that it seems like instinct sometimes and these emotions are very raw and primal that we have. The universe has been turned completly upside-down as well and sometimes we need verification that a really difficult thing is indeed, truely happening.
Also, there is a kind of loneliness that is unlike nothing else on the planet in being a BS and for me, a loss of validation as a person, even though it's the WS that did the hurting. Maybe you were feeling something like that and simply wanted a chance at some familiar feeling like a hug, but went on auto pilot in the midst of deep emotion.
[This message edited by Ashland13 at 8:22 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]
The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge