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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 1.75 years out and so gloomy about the future
PaperCut
♀ Member
Member # 34568
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it could take 2-5 years with all the right things being said and done, but I wonder if it will all be worth it after that.
I 100% believe that somewhere down the line he will cheat again. There is nothing to prevent it. And yet I choose to stay, and that makes me think I am not staying for the right reasons. Am I staying only because I feel afraid to leave, because I love his family, because it is in some ways easier to face the demon I know rather than the demons I dont?)

I try to convince myself that all marriages have problems and secrets and I try to believe that many people get over this - but I am at a point in my life where many peers/friends are still in the honeymoon stage and I long to have that "someones got my back / us against the world/ best is yet to come" feeling again.
I dont think I will ever feel that way again. Now I feel like if I stay I will always need to be prepared for the end, and if I go I will always expect this new person to let me down too.

I feel like I am living a lie and going through life wondering if everyone else is too. He was my first and only love so maybe it hurts worse than for people who have been dumped or betrayed in other relationships? (Am I stuck in a teenagers end of the world woe is me attitude?!?)

Every time I stop to think about it I feel so disappointed. I could have had it all. I could have been a contender! But now I just feel like I will get through life, but not really ever feel special or warm and fuzzy again.


Thanks for letting me vent. I am pretty down today.


“Success is as dangerous as failure.
Hope is as hollow as fear.”
― Lao Tzu


Posts: 149 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: NYC
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((papercut))

This is a process I guess. I'm about the same time out as you.

We have to decide if what we have is good enough. I'm still deciding.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4537 | Registered: Dec 2010
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm only 3 months out from full disclosure but I feel the same way. It's so heart breaking.
I'm sorry I have no words of strength or encouragement.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 890 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, what's keeping you from leading a life that's true?

What is your evidence that he'll cheat again? (I don't doubt it. I just have a hope that if you provide an outline, we may be able to come up with useful suggestions.)


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9773 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But Sisoon, he might not cheat... it maybe just the heartbreak of grief - realizing that it'll never be the same maybe?

the dream you had of your life has to be different, and that's so hard to wrap your head around sometimes...


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4537 | Registered: Dec 2010
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 1:00 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry that you are struggling.

he might not cheat... it maybe just the heartbreak of grief

1.75 yrs out and she believes 100% that he will cheat again says to me that her WH is not stepping up in R.

He is not doing enough to make you feel safe, to make you believe in him.

I too experienced the heartache of grief....for a very long time, but within the 1st yr of R I felt very comfortable that my WH would not cheat again, his continued effort to be a better person showed me that.

Do you feel as if your WH is doing all that he can to be a better person and H?
Are his actions proving to you that he wants to R?
Are you his #1 priority, always?

If he is truly remorseful, if he is a model WH and you feel gloomy about the future then maybe the A is a deal breaker.

You deserve to be happy, do not settle.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2094 | Registered: Nov 2011
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Papercut I could have written your post, you put into words EXACTLY how I feel. Except for the bit about being 100% certain he will cheat again - I don't know for a fact that my fWS will cheat again, but I certainly FEAR it, now that he has proven to me that he is capable of cheating and that he can lie so very, very effectively... That fear and lack of security is a horrible, dark part of my life now.

I am hoping that IC will get me through this, to a place where I have some hope of a better future.

Wish I could be more help to you... just know that you have been heard and that you are not alone {hugs}


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 914 | Registered: Oct 2012
UndecidedinMA
♀ Member
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I 100% believe that somewhere down the line he will cheat again.

What makes you feel this way? Is it fear or do you have something more concrete? Is he being transparent?

It took me such a long time to get to being confident that this was a real EA/ONS. It took alot of work on his part - is he giving you this?


ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 982 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
heartbroken7110
♀ Member
Member # 36818
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry that I don't have any positive thoughts to add. Just letting u know ur NOT alone at all & I feel like I could have written this p


Me:30 Him:34
Married 8 yrs (together 16years)2 Kids
Dday 4/08 (TT until 9/11)
Slowlyyyy paving the road to R...most days.

Posts: 87 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: NJ
heartbroken7110
♀ Member
Member # 36818
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry my last post was cut off!

I was saying...I feel like word for word I could have written this post. My WH was also my first everything. I'm am very sad today & hurting also ((hugs)) to u. Hoping for better days...


Me:30 Him:34
Married 8 yrs (together 16years)2 Kids
Dday 4/08 (TT until 9/11)
Slowlyyyy paving the road to R...most days.

Posts: 87 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: NJ
PaperCut
♀ Member
Member # 34568
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to post and run and leave you all with unanswered questions! Fortunately life got in the way for a bit.

I guess I dont know anything 100% anymore, it is just the feeling that (as said above) that he has already done it (and in my case got caught, begged me to stay, and then escalated) and could hide it well enough. With technology the way it is I know he could hide it again better than ever.

He is not doing everything he can to make me feel secure but he is transparent as far as I can tell.

It seems to me that he either cant or wont or doesnt know how to help me move forward. I see red flags and know that the further we get from the A the less he thinks it should be addressed.

He is ready to move on and I feel stuck and scared.

I feel he will cheat again because he will start something important and then drop it like a stone without discussing it with me. Like IC(felt it wasnt going anywhere), or antidepressants(felt he no longer needed them), or the self imposed "no porn" ban which lasted less than 3 weeks.

I think it is my last shreds of sanity that tell me he will cheat again. He is an "I do what I want" man and right now he wants to be faithful but what about years from now when that gets old and he wants to f a prostitute again? What besides his own moral compass would stop him? So thats why I know he will cheat again.

I have a super low sexdrive (as in maybe 2 days a month I will feel frisky) and this has not helped our relationship. Medical doctors say its the birthcontrol pills. Head doctors say its the stress and trauma of feeling like I had to have sex even when I didnt want to and then learning about the A. He is tons better at waiting for me to initiate but I fear that I am just broken for good. My IC feels I have been "almost mentally abused" by his selfishness.

I worry that we are too far gone and that I am just putting off the inevitable because I so badly want it to work. But maybe I am one of those who subconsciously dont want to move forward because I have already reached my bottom line, my last straw.

I love him but I dont know why anymore. (As in logically, why would you love someone you cant trust and whose sexual exploits and interests disgust you). I feel like I am betraying him for saying that out loud (ha!). He is my best friend and if i could take our sexual relationship out of the picture we would be ok. We have fun together and just had a nice vacation alone. He is sweet to me and I know he loves me (yet I cant help but add a "yeah right then why did he do all of that" asterisk in my head) I want to stay together but I fear it is just blind hope that this will not hurt so badly anymore and miraculously he will change into the model of remorse. I know he feels remorseful but... He says sorry and holds me when I cry but as you all know that is not enough. Maybe I am still in love with the dead dream and am a fool to think it will get better.


Oh also, just found out that we need to move soon (and buying a house has been my personal dream more than getting married or having kids ever was, but now I am not feeling excited because it will make divorce so much more complicated if he cheats again)
and on top of everything else, but far from the least of my concerns, my dad has stage 3 cancer(hes only 55, I am his only child). I am so anxious and stressed and scared. So theres that too. Life doesnt stop just because you want more time to think. :(

Eta- typed on my phone excuse the lack of apostrophes and spelling errors

[This message edited by PaperCut at 7:41 AM, September 20th (Friday)]


“Success is as dangerous as failure.
Hope is as hollow as fear.”
― Lao Tzu


Posts: 149 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: NYC
Topic Posts: 11

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