So if you had 12-hours left with your trying-to-reconcile but definitely vulnerable WH, what would you say? Mind you, I have NO way of verifying any boundaries I create for him.
Would you send him off after making love to him like it may be the last time? Would you just express your love verbally? Would you send him a note? Would you try to have a conversation? Would you keep it drama-free? Would you just hold him? Do I let the tears--that I choke down as I type this--flow? I've hidden them for so long. I don't want to set him up for failure, but I don't want to coach him with a pep talk, either. Sigh. How DO we do this?
I don't think I would be able to handle that. Does he have to go? Does his(their) boss know about the affair?
ETA: I just looked through some of your posts and found this:
What was his explanation? He was responding to them...he is still acting out.
He needs to not go on this trip..and if he does..you need to insist on STD testing when he gets back,,before you have sex with him.
[This message edited by confused615 at 9:26 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I couldn't do it. But others here have. My IC said to me yesterday that any semblance we have of control is just false security anyway.
4 kiddos in lower 20's
“He has no idea how beautiful the ordinary becomes once it disappears."
I would also expect him not to go because he knew what it would do to me.
It sounds like he has all the power right now. You need to get that back. Part of that would either he stop business trips, change jobs, or maybe you go with him if possible. No way could I just let him go when I know OW is there. NO WAY.
Would not be happening in my world.. Not alone.
So is there anyway you can tag long? Be the extra baggage if needed?
What has he said about this meeting and this trip? Is he trying to make you feel safe? Is he saying the right things to you? Or is he just not saying a thing?
Then we will know what to tell you.
Would you keep it drama-free?
"I love you, <hubby name>, and I'm trusting that you will protect me -- and the progress we've made on building a stronger marriage and better boundaries -- and *US* on this trip. Call me when you can, and we'll get through this challenge together. <hugs and kisses>"
So if you had 12-hours left with your trying-to-reconcile but definitely vulnerable WH, what would you say?
I would tell him the truth and I would act/respond in a manner that was comfortable and reflected my true feelings.
You cannot set him up for failure being honest. Not being truthful, letting him believe that everything is OK when it is not, that is setting him up for failure.
As for a pep talk or "requirements" these are not on you either. You cannot change a persons behavior, especially when he is so "out of pocket". You have to trust him, and as he has proven himself untrustworthy, you are stuck. As confused pointed out, he has very recently proven himself to be untrustworthy.
IF, this trip goes ok, and he does the right things, then it ultimately will be a part of healing, a mile stone. OTOH, if he ignores his relationship with you, acts out, covers-up, or things just do not go well, then this trip will likely set your efforts to R back.
This is a big part of why many of us want our FWS to change their job if the OP is still there or may still be there.
While he is gone, work on taking the focus off him and what he may be someday. Look at why you are still with him, the him he is today. The him who still flirts with potential sex partners, who does not follow-up on IC for HIS issue. The him who keeps himself in a position where he is out of town with a former OW.
My WH traveled a great deal for work at the time of the A, he was gone every other week. No way in hell would I be put in a position to be home and sick over a business trip.
He scaled his travel back to almost nothing, and he came up with several excuses for trips he felt were important....illness, family crisis, whatever it took.
What about a picture from his phone, by a clock at random times, or random check ins. Or what have you?
If you want to write him a letter, you could write him a letter, hide it in his bag, and at whatever time in his travel you feel he should read it, mention that you hid a letter for him to read.
I would do whatever you feel you need to, that is going to help make you feel the safest.
Also believe me when I say this trip must happen. My WH has 4 degrees; his job is highly specialized; he's in charge of this project; he can't NOT go. It's also highly classified, so taking me as a companion is not an option. There is no cell service. When in quarters, he may have wifi, but it will be in the middle of my night. So it's a highly irregular sort of trip.
That's why I need to focus on this one conversation or these 12 hours before he goes. I can't ask him to stay. I can't ask to go with. I can ask for honesty (although can't ensure I'll get it). I can ask for respect. What else CAN I do? What is within my control? This is my last "stage entrance" before she appears on the scene for the first time in 8 months.
He IS broken. I get that. He is not sober. I know that. But I also believe he loves me more than anyone he's ever loved. And, strangely enough, our M is in a decent place--aside from the recent acting out. That may not be enough. It's certainly scant comfort in this situation, but it is better than nothing.
Thanks, again, for the hugs, the words of comfort, the outrage, the sadness. You're all so expressive and it is heartwarming to have your support!!!
Does OW's boss know of the affair? Do the other people going on this trip know? Do you know any of them?
I don't think having sex with him will change anything, but if you want it, do it for you.
Oh I couldn't do it. I would be an absolute mess the entire time my WH was gone and I would be right back at square one regardless of what happened just because of the anxiety.
I don't have any answers as you have to do what feels right for you. I'm sorry
While he is gone, work on taking the focus off him and what he may be someday. Look at why you are still with him, the him he is today. The him who still flirts with potential sex partners, who does not follow-up on IC for HIS issue. The him who keeps himself in a position where he is out of town with a former OW
This right here. You have no control, none of us ever do. To think that we do is an illusion. Setting up all kinds of barriers and boundaries is the illusion of control. The only person you control is yourself. Figure out what you can accept from him and go from there.
He either will, or he will not, honor you.
How will you know? If he doesn't, I imagine you'll find hook up sites or other evidence upon his return.
How snoop proof is his briefcase? can you put in a spy pen? Or will that lead to 5-10 in the federal pen?
What I got was this: three hours on the couch, holding hands, watching the past two episodes of "Suits" and one of a new BBC drama with Dr. Who's David Tennant. Before we did that, though, he suggested a trip to the grocery store for our favorite ice cream.
I first dared to ask, in a quiet moment--after he mentioned that she (who had rented a car) was the one his hotel mate had arranged to give them a ride somewhere--if that was gonna be okay. He said yes. I later managed to ask him if he was more excited for the experiment or the woman. He said definitely the experiment. I asked how it was the last time (back in Nov). Was it the experiment or her? That time it was assuredly the woman. Then, as we were snuggling before sleeping, I told him that I was glad he was so happy, but that I was very sad and worried overall. He hugged me closer and said he understood and would feel the same way.
That's it. Pretty anti-climactic. Right now, as much as I don't want my marriage to be over, I think I could handle ANYTHING as long as I know. I just want to know. I don't want to be blindsided; don't want to "find out." I want him to come home, tell me that he's planning to leave me for her, and move forward. Or for him to come home, tell me (truthfully--but how do I judge that?) all was well, and then dive into CSAT therapy and 12-group stuff.
Thanks, again, for all your advice. I really do squirrel it away for times when I think he's receptive to a convo. Sometimes, he's just not in a good place and I can feel the vibes. Those aren't times he's being mean to me or anything, they're just times he's not willing to be open and is merely content to be superficial. Sigh.
Sometimes, he's just not in a good place and I can feel the vibes. Those aren't times he's being mean to me or anything, they're just times he's not willing to be open and is merely content to be superficial.
While he is gone, work on taking the focus off him and what he may be someday. Look at why you are still with him, the him he is today. The him who is only open to you at times when he selects and can be content with a superficial relationship. The him with whom you find yourself changing your needs and wants based on the vibe you pick up from him, the him you set your own needs aside for to accommodate him.
You were worried about setting him up for failure. Withholding your feelings and fears, allowing his mood to determine the course of your relationship is setting him up for failure.