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User Topic: Selfish is a bad thing
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is what I have been raised to believe - and I do believe it. But it can put me in some very hard places. It is one of the reasons I stay.

My WH exfiance goes to our church. She broke up with him (long ago before we even met) after her mom convinced her that he couldn't provide for her due to his disability.

Somehow, our kids wound up in the same day care (I chose it so it wasn't WH planing it) and we have sometimes led parallel lives.

We attend the same church, and at least 50% of the time, we end up sitting near each other. She is a nice person and we have spoken through the years at the grocery, etc.

But I having a really hard time lately - seeing her every Sunday - speaking to her - and ESPECIALLY watching as she and my WH speak (very briefly) even if it is just to say "How are you doing?".

***Once, when we were dating (a million years ago) we saw her at a club. It was her birthday, and my WH was upset about her fiance not being with her on her birthday. When I asked why it bothered him so much, he said that they had been engaged, and that he had loved her, and would always love her. He explained it was not like "in love" - but just because of their past. This has always haunted me. My husband has always remained friends with people he was involved with in the past - and they have been my friends too. Only now - after his infidelity - does it bother me so much.

So.......anyway - back to my post about being selfish --- I want to change chuches because of it. And I do not change chuches lightly. BUT - we joined this church due to a great youth program for our kids, and I don't want to take that from them.

I would so much rather just heal and not have it bother me. But I have to admit that recently (sorry, too much information here) every time I see her, I imagine my husband making love to her. And when they do speak - even just to say hello - I watch to see if they look at each other, which - of course - they do. You look at a person when you speak to them.

I have recently left the service immediately afterwards so I don't have to speak to her. I find some excuse - restroom, or have to talk to someone, etc.

This is so ridiculous! I am a grown woman - and OLD woman. Sometimes I feel like I am in 7th grade.

I am sorry for the ramble. Don't really know what I am saying - execept that if it weren't for my kids, I think I would change churches. But that would just be too selfish on my part.

I know I will get some 2x4s on this one. Its ok.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No 2x4 here. That has to suck majorly for you. Church should be a place where the spirit is renewed, and you feel lifted and ready for the world again. To have to deal with that anxiety while there sucks. Is there another service time that you can attend? To avoid running into her? Do they have an adult bible study group in the evening one night a week that can take church's place until you are healed a bit more?

Most importantly have you told H about this? If you in R, you really need to share this with him. If you have what are his thought on it?

Maybe a break from that church for you for a period of time is all that is needed. It doesn't make you selfish, and it certainly does not make you a bad person. You have been dealt one heck of a blow. It takes time to heal, and to feel strong again. Be patient with yourself, and remember, there is NOTHING selfish about being the BEST YOU you can be, when you are at your best, your a better mom, wife, friend, lover.
You deserve that, and so does your family.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8535 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much for your kind words.

Is there another service time that you can attend? To avoid running into her?

Yes. An earlier service. My husband even encourages us to do that. Well, not sure if he is encouraging us, but he often says, "Are we going to the early service?" Its just that after a weekend, everyone seems so tired on Sunday morning and I hate to wake them earlier than necessary just because I can't get a hold of myself and my feelings. I know, a wimp!

have you told H about this? If you in R, you really need to share this with him. If you have what are his thought on it?

My husband knows. Last Sunday she was sitting directly in front of us and engaged in a conversation with me for a couple of minutes. I thought I would die. I feel so bad, because she is a very nice person. I have never had any reason to believe there is anything inappropriate between them - except my thoughts that if he can cheat on me, maybe he would do it with her!

Last Sunday, he actually noticed me shaking and grabbed my hand with both of his hands and held it throughout the service. It really helped. (It was TOTALLY uncharacteristic because we do not touch in any way AT ALL for years now.)

I don't know if I can say we are in R. He doesn't cheat any more - for 6 years now. (To my knowledge.) But he isn't doing what I think someone who wants to reconcille would be doing. I texted him to thank him for grabbing my hand last Sunday. Told him that it helped me get through it. This past Sunday we sat close together again. Did he grab my hand? You guessed it - no.

But later he told me he was having a hard day - thinking a lot about a brother that passed away inexpectedly a few years ago.

So - again - selfish of me to begrudge him for not grabbing my hand when he was in need himself and I didn't see.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 9:32 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last Sunday, he actually noticed me shaking and grabbed my hand with both of his hands and held it throughout the service. It really helped. (It was TOTALLY uncharacteristic because we do not touch in any way AT ALL for years now.)

I even asked for a hug yesterday (we NEVER touch in any way) and he gave me such a GREAT hug...long, with a very nice "ummm" to go with it. As I was leaving later he said, "Thanks for the hug."

My husband did ask me to put my head on his shoulder, but I declined. Hard to explain why. I think it is because he thinks that is what someone is supposed to do in that situation - not that he wants to actually hold me. I don't think that he feels that kind of 'wanting to hold me' thing for real, and I have been so devalued by his betrayal AND the lack of effort since then to work on our marriage - that it sometimes hurts MORE to have him hold me than if he doesn't.

When I was giving him a hug before he left, we hugged for a longer time than usual, and then he said "I love you - give me a kiss". (Mind you, we have not touched or kissed in probably 2-3 years with the exception of when there were deaths in the family.) We shared a nice kiss. If was comforting.

May I encourage you to stop using the word "NEVER", because I have listed several recent instances when your H has made the effort to touch *and* comfort you, WhatsRight.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Point taken. I stand corrected.

What I mean to say is that there is no touching on any routine basis. When it does happen, it is so overwhelming I feel the need to post it on an infidelity site to process my feelings about it.

I am sorry if I have given the wrong impression.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
Topic Posts: 5

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