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User Topic: How do I know?
trudi42
♀ New Member
Member # 40608
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just want some reassurance that I am not being a total idiot..I told my WH who had an EA for 2 months (by phone and text mostly) followed by 2 months remaining in contact with the odd text etc to pack his bags and go as his actions didn't back up his words. On 2 occasions he had promised to stop contact but didn't. He doesn't say it but I believe it is because he believes I will end it eventually anyway and he is keeping the door ajar. Obviously this is not acceptable so I told him to go and I could never forgive him or trust him, after he begged me for another chance. However I then said lets just have it as a 2 week separation/reflection period so both of us can decide what we want/need and to be truly honest with each other when we next meet up about our feelings. I told him its his choice now, he can take the easy route to her as she is there just waiting.. or he can try the tough route with me with a lot of shit to trawl through and no guarantees at the end of it. This is my final offer of a glimmer of hope for him and after 2 days he is already saying he will win me back and how amazing I am etc etc. Problem is, the NC promises before was like a smoker extinguishing a cigarette and half hour later saying I have quit smoking. He says it with the intention of doing it but when I didn't give him a positive response he went back to contacting her. If we try to work things out this time how will I know this time is different and if it is truly NC? I am thinking if we try to R that I compose a text with him and then keep his phone so I get the replies not him. He then can get a replacement phone with a new number, deactivate FB etc so she cannot get hold of him. From what I know of her she is so desperate to have him, this is the only thing I can think of to at least begin to believe he has given her up. Any ideas pls? I desperately want to R but I am honestly wondering if its possible. What did everyone else do? We have had no MC, I think we will need it if we attempt R.


Me: BW (41)
Him: WH (42)
D Day: 22/07/13
~Somewhere between S and R

Posts: 37 | Registered: Sep 2013
kansas1968
♀ Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no chance at reconcilliation until NC is established. You need to set down together, compose a NC message, and either send it by phone, text, or email. You need to be with him when he does it.

Then you needs access to all passwords, phones, computers, etc.

If you still aren't sure, you can place a VAR in his car and a keylogger on his PC.

A MC is a good idea but make sure you find a good one.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1276 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

keeping the OP on the back burner *just so* that if you boot them to the curb they will have a soft place to land is NO WAY TO GO INTO POSSIBLE RECONCILIATION!

Your WS is either in it to win you back or they should be out the door.

For a WS to get a chance at R they need to really commit. Put every possible effort in. Keeping a plan B in the back is to guarantee failure.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3355 | Registered: Sep 2007
trudi42
♀ New Member
Member # 40608
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you kansaa1968. My plan is to agree on R only if this nc text is composed together...it's just maintaining it. I don't want to spend my life checking up on him. This is a first A and In 23 years I had never doubted him. I wonder if any one truly gets that sort of trust back.....


Me: BW (41)
Him: WH (42)
D Day: 22/07/13
~Somewhere between S and R

Posts: 37 | Registered: Sep 2013
Simple
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We can't make anybody do anything. At this point, it is your court and if I were you, I will NOT let him have the ball. I will keep the ball and hold it as if my life depends on it. What I meant by the ball here is the power over you. Don't let him manipulate you. GIVE HIM consequences. Don't make threats that you're not going to follow through. This is like disciplining a child. Unless you give consequences the child will think he can continue to do what he wants since you're so flexible anyway.

Have you tried 180 since you guys are separated? The REAL 180 where it's FOR YOU, not to make him do anything but FOR YOU.

Hugs your way.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
emotionalgirl
♀ Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow trudi...we have the same story. My WH had a 3 month EA first in 25 yrs. I also went through the...honestly I am NC then found out 2 days later he had broken. What I finally did, I moved into our spare room and then I laid out all my conditions for R on paper and had him sign it so there would be no chance for deniability that I didn't tell him something. I also told him that even 1 broken NC and I would call OW myself and tell her he was moving in. I put a text copy and GPS on his phone that he didn't know about just to make sure.

I don't want to spend my whole life monitoring him but am keeping close tabs for now while we do the hard work. Are we in R? I think we are getting there will I ever fully trust him again..sorry but no. At this point I have learnt a sad lesson, the only person I can truly trust is myself.

Good luck on your journey


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 369 | Registered: Aug 2013
cantgetup
♀ Member
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has to NOT want to contact her. That is the only way.

Posts: 286 | Registered: Jul 2012
trudi42
♀ New Member
Member # 40608
Default  Posted: 1:05 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

emotional girl, wow cant believe how similar our stories are. Even the timings! I hope you get a true R in the end. My problem is the amount of texts sent before I found out were so massive. I feel like he is addicted. He has been living away since Sunday at my request although I see him when he sees the kids but I have refused to discuss us until this Sunday so we have both had some clear thinking time. If he swears he is 100% committed to R then, I like you will lay down my conditions. I think I am going to have to take total control...one broken NC this time will be the big D because I cant do this roller coaster anymore


Me: BW (41)
Him: WH (42)
D Day: 22/07/13
~Somewhere between S and R

Posts: 37 | Registered: Sep 2013
vivere
♀ Member
Member # 34465
Default  Posted: 1:23 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If we try to work things out this time how will I know this time is different and if it is truly NC?

There is no way of being 100% sure. People can be ridiculously deceptive. You can insist on the usual NC letters, complete transparency, passwords, regular phone contact when apart, spyware on PC's and Phones but really, these only provide you with a certain measure of comfort. Not certainty.

Does the OW have a partner? Exposing the A to them would mean another set of eyes looking for inconsistency between what is said and what is done.


You are responsible for your own happiness :)

Posts: 314 | Registered: Jan 2012
trudi42
♀ New Member
Member # 40608
Default  Posted: 1:44 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No she doesn't which doesn't help. She is a stay at home single mum on benefits with 4 kids (2 live with their dad). (what a catch)!!!
That makes it worse, she has all day to text text text. Also my BH is her postman!!! He says someone else does her road now but I think I will have to insist he changes the area completely.


Me: BW (41)
Him: WH (42)
D Day: 22/07/13
~Somewhere between S and R

Posts: 37 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 10

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