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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 14
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I look at couples that have been together 30, 40 or 50 years and sometimes get this sinking feeling inside. What could have been...

That possible future will not happen for us. As much as we may think we deserved it or wanted it. It just is not going to happen. All we can do is make the best of the world and relationship we find ourselves in.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal,

WW's A was in year 4 of our M. My RA was in year 6. We will celebrate our 40th in December, could be that old couple holding hands. I have silver hair, W is still "cheating".

It's Good, this woman is truly the love of my life, but I still grieve sometimes for what "could have been". It could have been so much deeper, so much more open and authentic.

I guess when I said I wanted an Open Marriage, she misunderstood me.

I said that to W the other night, she was like, "What?"

[This message edited by MoreWould at 6:10 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have silver hair, W is still "cheating".

Thanks MoreWould, but not sure what you meant by the part quoted above. Hopefully you don't mean literally cheating.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What could have been...

What happens when we allow ourselves to accept that...

What could have been, really never was?

By that I mean the entire relationship even before the A's.

I don't want to generalize what a wayward is really capable of but from personal experience and listening to all of you...
Maybe just maybe my WW is damaged to the point that my idealized sense of what could have been never was a real possibility with her. And even the time previous to the A when the marriage seemed to be that idealized thing really was just a façade. A façade she perpetrated but couldn't maintain.

My point maybe in a different parallel universe and/or on a different timeline that could have happened. But for the DR occupying this universe and timeline, the math said zero.

***ETA ^^^^ There's your uplifting thought for the day.

Screw the pumpkin chucker we need to work on traveling between parralell universes. I'll choke the shit out of the DR that lucked out and drew the .0000000000001% card where my ww actually kept her shit together.
Or maybe I should just be happy for him. I don't know. I've confused myself thinking about it.

[This message edited by DefiledRage at 6:38 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 427 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel sooo much better DF.

I see your point though.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.

Oh hell no WB And I sure as hell ain't calling you SuperDuperGoodLooking Bitch.

DF - yeah, depressing thought. I'll file that under things I didn't learn in theoretical marriage 101.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Dec 2011
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know I re-read my original posts on JFO. Holy shit. Thanks.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know I re-read my original posts on JFO. Holy shit. Thanks.

I remember that post. I was still hanging down in JFO, a noob myself. Been a long 2 years. DDay coming up...just saying. Funny thing is I never had a JFO post. It sort of leaked out over time, in my answers to others posts. Wish I would of had the courage to lay it all out from the beginning. The advice I got was based on the information I provided - if you are lurking, think about it.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Dec 2011
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What could have been...

I just don’t see the value in thinking about what could have been any more for me. I can’t see the future and only fooled myself that I could – or that anyone could. Some make it and some don’t. Hard work and intelligence do not equal success. Pick any basket of traits it takes to be successful and there are some like that who did not make it. Luck and circumstance play into it. Kind of off topic but I see a similar theme in relationships. Even with two people who are a match and don’t do crap to destroy it (like an A), other shit can still derail it all that neither party was able to navigate. The deliberate actions of betrayal defiantly kill it, but luck and circumstance can often derail what we see as “what could have been”.

I think all I can do is live my life giving my best. My response to this beat-down has derailed that and I can only work on getting back on track. I think I did for a long time and lost sight in all this of what I think is “best” for me. I’ve felt like I am back in reality for a while now but not sure what my reality is. I’m just gonna try and not lose sight of what matters. Feels like walking a tightrope sometimes – positive approach/outlook on one side, rug sweeping on the other and a hair line tightrope in-between that works through the shit with a positive approach/outlook.

ETA – I think all we can do is try and make good choices and do the right things in my life to try and improve my odds on good outcomes. And having good boundries to keep the crap out as well.

[This message edited by foundoutlater at 7:41 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1062 | Registered: Jul 2011
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad I could depress you with theotrical nonsense.

Maybe my probability was more like 50%, but the dealer reached under the table and grabbed the weighted dice. Or maybe I hit and took the dealer bust card. Or maybe a butterfly in brazil beat its wings, that slight movement of air that caused then crossed the continent increasing in magnitude, was added to by a desert tortoise burped at the exact time it passed him, then was further amplified by bouncing around the cold dark north american winter landscape and pushed my ww's breast into poser's hand. Whatever, I don't know what I'm saying, math sucks, butterflies suck, and idealized ways I wanted to look back on my life suck. I should go home, I need a nap now.

By the way WB have a gif waiting for page 50 I think you of all people will really appreciate.

[This message edited by DefiledRage at 8:03 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 427 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal

Don't worry, I'm pretty sure she only cheats with her hair color.

But I will never be 100% sure of anything ever again. Maybe that's a good thing, but it doesn't always feel Iike it.

[This message edited by MoreWould at 10:43 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
cannibal
♂ Member
Member # 40560
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok this is my first post to this and I kinda just skipped to the end so excuse me if I am repeating a question that has already been addressed, but has anyone else here experience ed because of the A. It seems like I can be horny and wanting to make love, but just can't get it up or even worse be in the middle of it and thoughts come to invade my brain and I will lose my erection. I've even had this problem during masturbation. I can usually find some crazy extreme porn to get me through it, but I will feel dirty and ashamed afterwards. I know this is a touchy subject for most men, but I'm looking for some input as to how to handle it. Needless to say it can be very upsetting and disheartening. Would viagra help with this? I haven't talked to any medical professionals about this problem and feel like I'm to young to need to go to such lengths. I feel like if I can't perform for her in the bedroom then this can only drive her to find it somewhere else. It seems like a relationship destroying cycle.


Me: BF 35 Her: FWF 35 dss: 16
D-day: 02/28/13. length of A: ?
Seperation after dday
Moved back in 6/20/13
Broke n/c: 07/24/13
Together: 11 years

Posts: 76 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: cannibal
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome here cannibal.

Your gf should be understanding @ the reasons for your temporary ed, which are psychological, not physiological (I'm guessing).

That you have fear your inability to perform might 'drive her' elsewhere is something you two need to discuss in counseling - finding a counselor experienced with infidelity is a must.

It also sounds to me that it's likely she hasn't been fully transparent, honest, and remorseful...and little cannibal is responding to that - more specifically, not responding...as if your sexual needs are trumping your real, personal, and deeper need to be honored, cherished, and respected.

I do remember losing my own self respect in exchange for the limp, wet feeling against my thigh. That's definitely not a good place, because there's no viagra for the eroded soul.

In short, prioritize. Let little cannibal take a nap for awhile while you tend to your deeper needs which are not being met.
My guess is he'll come roaring back in time.


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
LifeisCrazy
♂ Member
Member # 38287
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was walking behind an older, grey haired couple the other day when the wife reached out and grabbed his hand. I almost cried right there on the street.

Yeah - that was me. Of course, I turned my head for a minute and two pages of posts ensued :)

Another poster is right - it's true. You never DO know what's inside another relationship.

Funny. I look around now at other couples and, knowing the prevalence of infidelity (and, god knows, the other millions of things that happen inside families that aren't "public knowledge") and you really start to wonder, "Hmmmm... I wonder what's REALLY happening there."

That being said, when I look at older couples who are still together after 50, 60 years.... you wonder if it's been worth it for them. There's no way the entire path has been paved with roses. Are they happy they stuck it out? Was looking past an indiscretion, fighting through an illness, surviving a lost child... was it worth it??

Is there a finish line? Will I, one day, look back and say, "Yeah, it was tough. Really tough. But I survived?"

I'm not sure. But the grey haired couples give me hope. And strength.


"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 127 | Registered: Jan 2013
LifeisCrazy
♂ Member
Member # 38287
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

there's no viagra for the eroded soul.

Holy shit. There are some f'n poets on this board.


"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 127 | Registered: Jan 2013
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That possible future will not happen for us. As much as we may think we deserved it or wanted it. It just is not going to happen. All we can do is make the best of the world and relationship we find ourselves in.

Some of those couples that have been together 30, 40 , 50 years had A's, some lost children very young, but thing they all have in common - they all have struggled.

If we D, your statement is true. If we don't and our W's stopping being asshats...just about anything is possible....not perfect, but I doubt very much any of those couples that have been together dor 30, 40 , 50 years had a perfect M or life. In fact, they may be still holding hands at that point not because of the love they share, but because of the trials they have over come.

take care...



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe just maybe my WW is damaged to the point that my idealized sense of what could have been never was a real possibility with her.

I've come to this conclusion as well. My version really wasn't that idealized, IMO-I just wanted to be happy w/one another. Another man in the M just fucks that up. Mine was abused sexually as a child, unknown to me until well after dday. I think true intimacy will never happen w/her.
Six yrs next month. Life is ok, she is still sober.
I think I will always keep her at arm's length.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I will always keep her at arm's length.

Fleet man, that's a sad thought. I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way but, you deserve better than that.

We all do.

Just wanted to say that, even though I haven't been on this site that long, finding it, and this thread in particular, has been a god-send. I appreciate the people on here and the advice that they are willing to give.

You guys are all too good to have had to go through what we all went through. Damn shame, all around. Like I said, we all deserve better.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't worry, I'm pretty sure she only cheats with her hair color.

Gotcha MW. That one went right over my (graying) head the first time. My WW is definitely "cheating" in that respect, too. She's been fighting the silver for years.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Little cannibal

You always crack me up, jjct.

As to the ED problem, which btw pisses me off because that was the name of one of Mrs. Kite's extracurricular scumbags, it can be caused by psychological problems. On the other hand, it's best to get checked out by a doctor in case there is something physical going on.

If you check out physically then the doc will most likely prescribe Viagra or some other drug that will help you get back to normal. You may need to take it short-term until all functions are back to normal.

Around the age of 29 after having ravaged my body with drugs and booze for seven years and finally quit cold turkey, it took over a year until "Kite Jr." was back in action.

Btw thanks for having the guts to bring this subject up. As far as your WW splitting the M because you're temporarily malfunctioning- whatever happened to the vow "in sickness and in health?"


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