Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 14
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you noticed that your emotions are closer to the surface than they ever were?

Experienced it. Got over it. Much better now.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that GTA V has been a touchey subject 'round these parts (site-wide), but I have been wasting a dangerous amount of time the last 3 or 4 days on the online version. I am so hooked.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you noticed that your emotions are closer to the surface than they ever were?

Experienced it. Got over it. Much better now.

Pushed 'em back down where they belong, huh? I like it. How're the younglings, WAL?


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
LifeisCrazy
♂ Member
Member # 38287
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was walking behind an older, grey haired couple the other day when the wife reached out and grabbed his hand. I almost cried right there on the street. But no, other than that my emotions are fine

Love the "Super Duper Wonderboy" thing. I was going to use DrWonderSchlong but the mods thought it a bit too much.


"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 128 | Registered: Jan 2013
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor,

You nailed it again dude.

Never mind that she knew OM was a serial cheater. She took his advice on how to improve our M.

Yep, WW knew her OM had a crappy M and was a serial cheater, but when he said, "This will make your marriage better", she took him up on it.

Didn't think to ask me if I thought so too. After all, I, was not to be trusted because I told her she was beautiful and I loved her every day. And, I wanted sex too much. Just the sort of things H's "have" to do, and don't really mean it.

Later, we found out that fucking POSER was a sexual predator that confessed on his deathbed that he had "fucked hundreds of women, most of them married." My W was shocked to discover this. Shocked!


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never mind that she knew OM was a serial cheater. She took his advice on how to improve our M.

Accused recently of two other affairs in the workplace...check
Cheating on his wife....check
Never at home with his family....check
And when he is home his either texting you or telling you to hold on because his wife is hovering....check

Yeah that poser is a model to follow for a healthy marriage. You can definitely believe him when he tells you he loves you.


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 429 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She took his advice on how to improve our M.

Nah, in my case, she was "the one". He blew it 25 years ago and should have married her. Course she was only 15 when he left. (Been screwing her for 3 years at that point). I guess I started too late?

It all sucks. Somebody's gonna make a mint when they develop the emotional black hole detector. I just want the rights to sell the warning lights.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2087 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey fellas,

Many of you have been around a lot longer than me. But today, re-reading my original posts I was amazed at how far I(we) have come.

Shit, right after dday I wrote a post about having a panic attack and not being able to take out the garbage. I was literally stuck outside for ten minutes because I couldn't bring myself to open the garbage can. WTF?

Anyway, no real point to this post, but as I look back to where I was two years ago, and where I am now. Fucking A--time really does heal this shit. With or without a remorseful spouse, this shit gets better.

And of course a shout out to the MENZ who were here back then and kept telling me how to be a MENZ. Wish I had listened a little bit sooner.

Long and short of it...you boys know you shit.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yup, I sooooo shoulda listened better back then. these guys are pretty dang smart.


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have ended up in the same place I am now but with a lot less knife twisting on her part. Oh well. I've always been one to learn the hard way.

Posts: 1326 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
nuance
♂ Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread moves fast..,

  Posted: 7:04 AM, October 9th

(Wednesday), 2013
I wonder if the shock would still happen in a betrayal in a new relationship if we had jumped ship? Are we damaged forever regardless of who our SO is?
Having spent 2 years in hell because I couldn't let go of an unremorseful WW, I can definitely say that if any new relationship I end up in has the same outcome I am out the door. I don't see myself ever getting married again, no more kids, and I will NEVER combine finanaces with anyone again so yeah I guess I may be slightly damaged. Having seen that most A's seem to follow the same damn pattern I know what I would be in store for so the shock may still be there and I would likely still be upset but I would be jumping immediately to the GTFO/NC forever portion of the program.


But wouldn't you also, you know, keep an eye on her even if she was the most perfect woman on earth? I'm never going to trust anyone like I used to trust my FWW. Those days of blind trust (in anyone) are long gone.

[This message edited by nuance at 11:00 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1160 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
doubleboggy
♂ Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread moves fast..,

Razor,

When we are dating we men pursue and women run just fast enough so we put in effort to catch them.

BUT when we need them to work for our attention they don’t know how to do that because they have never had to do it before.

RyeBread,

Aren't we a prize in our own right? Shouldn't she be trying to win us over?

Exactly!!! But, my question is how do we shift the dynamic from this to where she is pursuing me? Or better yet, shift the dynamic to where we both pursue each other? That would be optimal for a happy marriage. But wife has decades of learned behavior of waiting and expecting me to do all the pursuing and work. So much that now, the minimum required effort on her part, to her seems like she is moving mountains. She feels like she is doing so much while I am sitting back wondering, “That’s all you got?”
There is movement however, six months ago I wouldn’t have though it possible to have come this far. It is just so slow, so frustrating. I want to move quicker than this.
I guess I’m expecting too much.


I have became what I have beheld and am content that I have done right. - Elliot Ness

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was walking behind an older, grey haired couple the other day when the wife reached out and grabbed his hand. I almost cried right there on the street. But no, other than that my emotions are fine

LIC - man... that is one of my absolute biggest triggers. God - seeing a happy old couple that appears to still be 'in-love' makes me wants to throw up and break down all at the same time. Just rips my fricken heart out. Makes me wonder, if I stay, when we're old and she reaches out to hold my hand, will I still be reminded of the A? Will our relationship still be tainted?

W and I talked last night. I ask about the A some times, details, what they did... I'm still filling in the blanks. But last night as I was talking to her I had a flash of anger and my voice rose a bit. I'm not normally like that, but I just can't hold this shit back anymore.

Anyway, I got the 'eye roll' and the long exhale. And then I got the silent treatment. At first I thought: "OK - I get it. I probably just triggered a bunch of guilt for her." But then I thought: "Wait a minute, I'm fighting through this stuff, I'm the one hurting, I'm hanging my ass out over the edge trying to be vulnerable a bit, and I get the fricken eye-roll? Seriously?"

I've been trying to be positive about R...but...that didn't exactly make me all warm-and-fuzzy last night, ya know? I mean, I get that it's hard for her to deal with me talking about the A, and she probably feels like I'm beating her over the head with it, but I need to talk about this stuff, ya know? I can't hold it in - holding it in is killing me - I need to get it out. To purge it. And I almost feel like if she can't deal with that, if she can't take that pain, if she can't listen and be there and comfort me through this, then is it even worth it?


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
doubleboggy
♂ Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ontheslope,

Right there with you man. Could have wrote that post myself. For me, she is much happier when I don't bring it up, bottle it inside myself. But, I can only do that so long until it bust open and that never ends well.

I don't have any advice, just empathy...or is it sympathy? IDK


I have became what I have beheld and am content that I have done right. - Elliot Ness

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I almost feel like if she can't deal with that, if she can't take that pain, if she can't listen and be there and comfort me through this, then is it even worth it?

I'd say nope. IMO, she just signed up for a lifetime of watching you heal. However long it takes. Betrayal is forever. If she doesn't like it, doesn't want to put up with it, then she doesn't have to. I'm not saying that she needs to take abuse, but she has to realize that the affair changed everything.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, my question is how do we shift the dynamic from this to where she is pursuing me? Or better yet, shift the dynamic to where we both pursue each other?

Good question. I think like most things in life it starts with us as individuals. We have to decide we want a different dynamic and then do it. We might go against the grain and be the minority but I am willing to wager we'll be much happier for it. No more cat and mouse courtship rituals. Just pure honest communication and respect. Sounds pretty damn good to me.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Man in Mexico made his girlfriend wear a chastity lock on her pants

Police say a woman told them her boyfriend put a padlock on her pants so she wouldn’t be unfaithful to him. Police say she couldn’t take it anymore.

http://wtkr.com/2013/10/09/man-in-mexico-made-his-girlfriend-wear-a-chastity-lock-on-her-pants/

Thoughts? Comments?

[This message edited by Mr. Kite at 11:29 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This one has been a burr under my saddle ever since I read it. Finally figured out why this morning.

BUT when we need them to work for our attention they don’t know how to do that because they have never had to do it before.

This isn't just something WW's need to learn post DDay, the lack of knowing it can be the seed of wayward thinking well before the A starts.

In our case, I was a very good husband. But, my W didn't know how to reciprocate, to move closer to me, to draw my attention. No lack of desire for it, just no practice, no skill set. So, she got frustrated, "Is this all there is? Why isn't it better? Why don't I feel more connected to my H?"

When POSER started chasing, now THAT was a dynamic she understood. A lifetime of Princess Practice to fall back on.

She couldn't bake us a batch of ego kibbles to share if her M depended upon it, but she sure could swallow some of his (and other things too, I'm afraid).

And, she didn't learn a thing from her A, so not like she was any better at chasing my attention afterwards. That's why the BMenz lesson about self soothing and self validation is so critical. Not only is a good life skill in general, but our WW's just suck at soothing us.

[This message edited by MoreWould at 10:58 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

our WW's just suck at soothing us.

Yes... yes they do. And I think you're right. They just don't know how. Why? Is it because they don't love themselves? Is it because they've never had to? Is it because they just aren't capable?

Wish I fricken knew.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mr. Kite,

Got a chuckle out of me at first. But really, I would say that if a person gets to that point in a relationship where you have to go to those extremes, you really need to evaluate why you are staying. I feel bad for the girlfriend more than anything. May not be physical but the psychological and emotional abuse with something like that would be terrible. Although I am guessing if she was that afraid of him he was physical with her.

I hate controlling people.

MW

That's why the BMenz lesson about self soothing and self validation is so critical. Not only is a good life skill in general, but our WW's just suck at soothing us.

I had to go through a bit of a grieving process when I realized this for myself. It hurt to know I was on my own but at the same time it helped strengthen me as an individual.

The one person who is going to care the most about you is YOU! Treat yourself accordingly.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.