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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 14
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OTS,

...or you were bloody perfect but she couldn't stand it to the point where she decided that she didn't deserve you and needed to self-destruct the M with an A.

OK, nobody is perfect, not even me, but I was damned close. Mine had a big case of "If it gets good it can't last, time to fuck it up" from her childhood. FOO sucks.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One Christmas my dad gave my mom a bowling ball. She had never bowled before and said "What the hell is this?" She got lessons, joined a league, and became a 180 average bowler. She bowled so much that whenever my dad was pissed at her he'd say "Go roll the ball." Still cracks me up.

Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes... yes you are. That's the rub. Whatever you did wasn't what she wanted you to do (in her mind), or you did the right thing but not for the right reason (in her mind) or you did the right thing and for the right reason but she didn't notice or remember, or you were bloody perfect but she couldn't stand it to the point where she decided that she didn't deserve you and needed to self-destruct the M with an A.

Succinct. To the point. Covers most of the bases. I like it. Boils down to Catch-22. I won't even begin to talk about gifts. Especially Christmas. They were used against me.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
doubleboggy
♂ Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

or you were bloody perfect but she couldn't stand it to the point where she decided that she didn't deserve you...

This,

I have heard it from her tons. Still don't understand it, but have heard it often.


I have became what I have beheld and am content that I have done right. - Elliot Ness

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you were bloody perfect but she couldn't stand it to the point where she decided that she didn't deserve you and needed to self-destruct the M with an A.

Full disclosure. That was a "why" that my W uncovered in IC. She did not deserve me and kept telling herself that. She got worse and I picked up the slack. I honestly had to answer the question, "Why didn't you let me fail?"

She failed the first opportunity where I was not there to catch her.

ETA: This of course is all my fault.

[This message edited by numb&dumb at 3:52 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
damaged71
♂ Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone is spot on about the black hole. 7YF, I could have written that word for word.

The strange thing is the black hole really showed up once my wife had everything she ever wanted, really. 20 years ago we laid out a plan of what we wanted out lives to look like. I worked like a dog to get everything in place. She finally lost that last little bit of weight and we became parents. That completed everything she had hoped for.

I think having nothing left to really work for triggered something. That's when the wheels fell off.

On another note we went to her high school reunion. Yes the OM graduated from the same class. I think I went to make sure he couldn't.

Several of her friends told my wife how lucky she was to have someone that treated her the way I did. One of her friends (6' tall blond fitness competitor) literally stroked my arm and told my wife "I need a Damaged71 in my life" and asked if I had a brother. I just played it off and smiled.

Anyway, the next day my wife had a completely different perspective about us and me. She was all about telling me "I'll love you forever" and so on. There was a visible change in how she acted the next day and ever since.

I like the effort she is putting forth but still don't trust her fully. That being said it's nice for her to see the value of what I provide instead of wishing her life were different. I told her on more than one occasion, "you have the luxury of being bored, no one else does".

Just throwing it out there... thoughts?


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 305 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FYI Fellas. Wonderboy is new and improved.

Respect my authority!


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

uh oh, wonderboy is on roids.

Watch out for that testicular atrophy buddy!


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do what? You get one lifeline, and you go to the audience? Super Duper? The 70's called - wants it's action hero back

Love your gumption though That tattoo is gonna hurt.

ETA: For those of you that don't venture down into F&G - go down and joint the Christmas Card Exchange. We did it for the first time last year. I was having a bad, bad day. Got home from work, and we had received over 50 Christmas Cards from the great members on this site. People I know, don't know, never heard of, some had heard of us, but it was frigging awesome sitting around opening them with my wife. It was a very special day that I will always fondly remember. Don't be scared.

[This message edited by Tred at 5:19 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it beats "Tried"


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Touche SpandexLicraHotpink!


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread moves really fast and its hard to keep up. Good to talk to others that share the same experience and can relate though.

Both parties have to take responsibility for the environment that led to the A.

As was said. The environment had nothing to do with the choice to cheat. AND its my belief that the bad environment pre-A is largely brought on by the WS as they are winding up to have the affair.

Thats the was it was for me. WW was AWFUL to be around for many years. Now looking back I can see she was in an EA with her OM. The EA from what I can tell lasted between 5 and 8 years. She and OM were *friends* and they confided in each other about their M problems.

Never mind that she knew OM was a serial cheater. She took his advice on how to improve our M. Of course when his advice did not work (remember I knew nothing of this) she would complain to OM and he would tell her what an unfeeling and unappreciative husband I was. He of course appreciated her while I did not.

Eventually he pushed to *take their relation to the next level* which of course was the PA. And that went on for at least 3 years.

The point I wanted to make before my mind wandered was that during her EA she was the one poisoning the M environment.

I on the other hand knew we were in a rough patch and was doing my best to engage her in fun things that I thought would turn things around. Vacations in Europe. Date nights at least once a week. Gifts. Basically everything I could think to do I did. Of course in the back ground unknown to me OM was there whispering in her ear that I didnt appreciate what a wonderful and special person she was.

MCs that point to M problems are full of shit. Book learned and useless.

One thing I want to ask of you guys.

Have you noticed that your emotions are closer to the surface than they ever were?

I am not talking about feelings for WW. For me those are at the lowest ebb ever and will likely stay there.

For me I tear up during sappy stuff on the tele or in movies. Stupid stuff. I think the whole LTA thing as left me emotionally unstable. This even as far away from Dday as I am.

Anyone else. Or am I the only unstable personality here?


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FYI Fellas. Wonderboy is new and improved.

Respect my authority!

Whoa whoa whoa. What the hell. How the hell?

I. Am. Jealous.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you noticed that your emotions are closer to the surface than they ever were?

It's a variation of hyper arousal. Some strings are a lot tighter now, and easier plucked. I think it's a base nature that you go into instinctively to protect yourself. I've noticed it.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I kinda like ShakeyLeftHand myself, although it means absolutely nothing.

still pondering....


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone else. Or am I the only unstable personality here?

You are not alone. Anger was the emotion that I had to tame, now it’s a bitch only when I’m very tired. I’ve always been a little emotional but now they are all right there at the surface. As for unstable, a bit right now but I’m just going to take some pride in being “different”.


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1063 | Registered: Jul 2011
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ETA: For those of you that don't venture down into F&G - go down and joint the Christmas Card Exchange. We did it for the first time last year. I was having a bad, bad day. Got home from work, and we had received over 50 Christmas Cards from the great members on this site. People I know, don't know, never heard of, some had heard of us, but it was frigging awesome sitting around opening them with my wife. It was a very special day that I will always fondly remember. Don't be scared.
I'm doing it. The look on my wife's face when I receive 50+ Christmas Cards from people on "That site" is going to be priceless.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The way my emotions manifest has definitely changed since betrayal. Actually, a lot of things about me have. As for my emotions, I used to keep things close to the vest. I always tried to be strong and in control of myself. Not so much anymore. I don't do as well with certain aspects of my job as a result.

Posts: 1325 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AlphaMaleDudeBro is still the greatest username ever.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FYI Fellas. Wonderboy is new and improved.

Way to go SDWB! Go big or go home. The Menz thread is no place for false modesty.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
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