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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 14
doubleboggy
♂ Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You may need to come to terms with the fact that your wife is, indeed, working on her issues but is still working on them. THAT is what is important. THAT is where your focus should be.

Going to try to hang on to this.

I think I get stuck sometimes, in the past, need more focus on what she is doing right. Although we are not where I want to be, we are light years from where we were.

"A" suck

AMEN

[This message edited by doubleboggy at 6:07 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


I have became what I have beheld and am content that I have done right. - Elliot Ness

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I only cried a few times, but I threw up every day for the first few weeks after DDay.

Then, 35 fucking years later, I got triggered so hard I it gave me a case of the dry heaves. Thank God I found you guys.

And this was a "successful R". God I hate to think about a bad one.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but we've lost dudes recently, and I don't wanna lose any more.

huh!?!? Who?


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If crying takes away your man card, mine has long been shredded.

I did not mean crying Ė more like whining actually. I feel like a little kid sometimes trying to work through this. I can see myself as the kid on the floor kicking and screaming to get his way when my way is not possible. Time travel looks cool in the movies, but there is no way to change the past and I think maybe today Iím back to struggling with that. And itís not like Iíve not cried over and over again. Especially the first year Ė way more than I ever thought I would and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I donít mind that I cry at movies.

Something new come to light? Or just the damn coaster?

IDK if it is something new. We had a rough and strange but I think good morning. I left the house feeling really good about it. Then my mind ran off and now Iím not sure. If itís about the past ok that would be welcome even with the pain. If it is about the now I guess Iíll be finding out what the pain of D is like. I really donít think so. If itís just the damn coaster well itís been awhile since it felt like this.

I feel like crap posting about my ďproblemsĒ because they really are my problems most of the time. Itís me trying to process, come to terms and find the ďstoryĒ Iím happy with living. Hell my W has been doing her best and itís more than good enough. At least it is when the past is not tormenting me.


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1062 | Registered: Jul 2011
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Asurvivor flounced on his own. Sent me a nasty PM and then left. I think Betrayed444 may have gotten the boot for being inappropriate with some of the mods. I am not sure about this though.

[This message edited by wonderboy at 6:27 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
doubleboggy
♂ Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then my mind ran off and now Iím not sure.

Wow, the dreaded mind running off.

Always kicks my ass.


I have became what I have beheld and am content that I have done right. - Elliot Ness

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just biding my time till the new thread opens.....


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey doubleboggy at first I was not sure if you were serious but I read your profile and the timing of the A and the time between A and DD makes me think you are. Itís a fucked up wrinkle to deal with wondering if the W was ever all in on the M. And the years between all in question. I think it adds a tough wall to overcome by the WS as well Ė all the years after that they were ďall inĒ in the M Ė even if it was true Ė is pretty hard to believe. There are a few of us that are dealing with this special twist.

ETA Ė the wrinkle is that we have irrefutable proof at the beginning they were not all in. I think an A can bring this into question even if no A is discovered in the first thirty years of marriage.

[This message edited by foundoutlater at 6:37 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1062 | Registered: Jul 2011
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I only cried a few times

Yeah, me too. My reaction was mostly anguished rage. Thought that was long in the past, but had an episode on Friday or Saturday - whenever it was I was unloading on you guys in the Menz thread. Feel great right now, like a fine-tuned athlete who has a quick recovery time after a tough workout or game. Maybe we go through a mental conditioning of sorts, who knows.

but I threw up every day for the first few weeks after DDay.

I didn't, but it might have been because I wasn't eating much those days so nothing to throw up. Certainly I was repulsed enough. I had my one and only anxiety attack 3 days after D Day, when the wife wrapped her arms around me. I needed comfort at that time, but my body rejected her touch like it was a nasty bug. Thought I was having a heart attack. Those early days felt like something out of a horror movie.

I'll never go back to that dark place. If this happens again, it will be sad but not a shock. It will just be over between us...her choice.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 6:40 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Itís me trying to process, come to terms and find the ďstoryĒ Iím happy with living.

Hey, if posting just to get it out of your system works, don't feel like crap posting. There are a lot of menz here, odds are, you are probably voicing something someone else is experiencing. Even the lurkers can benefit by the narratives that get discussed in here. I'm trying to remember someone bringing something up here and all of us going "Shit, never heard that before" unless it's one of StillGoing channeling Terry Pratchett.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I think itís a bit of it all Ė and just spewing about it helps. I remember early on I did some reading about trauma and people will describe a train wreck over and over to anyone who will listen as part of processing that trauma.
But I did not just say talking it through helps. No not me. Nothing to see here, move along.


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1062 | Registered: Jul 2011
doubleboggy
♂ Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

foundoutlater,

the wrinkle is that we have irrefutable proof at the beginning they were not all in

Yep, going through the hardest time of my marriage during the best, most loving part of my marriage. No way M would have survived if I would have known at the time it happened. So...at least she loves me now. Isn't now what really matters? I have to keep telling myself it is.


I have became what I have beheld and am content that I have done right. - Elliot Ness

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013
doubleboggy
♂ Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your beliefs (or words) donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Can someone please tell my wife this!


I have became what I have beheld and am content that I have done right. - Elliot Ness

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I had a weird experience today. It upset me and I'm not sure if it should have.

I decided a few days ago that I needed a hair cut. Instead of going to the really cheap place I usually go, I went to a place right on my way home from work that is a bit more expensive but markets towards men, plays sports on TV, etc. I wanted to get a haircut and a shampoo so I didn't have to jump in the shower right when I got home because I was going to take my Mom out for dinner.

I walked in and was greeted by an attractive woman wearing a very nice wedding ring. Nothing out of the ordinary as far as haircuts go. I got my haircut, we walked back to the shampoo area, she covered my face with a hot towel (really nice, by the way) and then started massaging my face and temples. I was really uncomfortable. Presumably, this woman had a husband at home who loved her and here she was massaging my face after a $20 haircut. Apparently that's part of the service at this place but it really bothered me.

I don't think I would have given it a second thought before infidelity. All I wanted was a haircut and I ended up with an existential crisis.

[This message edited by h0peless at 7:18 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1323 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry about the crisis. But it's part of the gig. I love a good barber shop and scalp massage. Guy/girl...don't make a difference.

Sucks that this shit seeps into even the mundane things.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guy/girl...don't make a difference

Yes it does...I get weirded out if I enjoy it too much and it's a dude. I just avoid that situation. Just me.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No way M would have survived if I would have known at the time it happened

Iíve given up on believing I know that kind of thing. Never thought I would stay in the first place. Then I was married 3 years when I found out about the A pre M. Looking back I had a mental break and as I came out of it we went to MC. MC said it was pre M (not by much), young and dumb cold feet nonsense (no it was not) and I needed to focus on the future. We left MC and I did my best to do that. That same week she started the A again. Found out the A stopped well before we made the decision to have kids. Now we were M for a while and had three kids and my gut never stopped nagging me. So here I am. Yeah I donít know about the what if in the past. Hell I donít think I really know the real past. The future has not been made yet. Now is all weíve got. Making good decisions helps our future prospects. But in the end we have no idea what tomorrow brings so right now is all that really matters.

Your beliefs (or words) donít make you a better person, your behavior does.
Can someone please tell my wife this!

I think mine does Ė now. She hates it when I say "now".


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1062 | Registered: Jul 2011
doubleboggy
♂ Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not all of us are as secure in our manhood as Wonderboy.


I have became what I have beheld and am content that I have done right. - Elliot Ness

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013
doubleboggy
♂ Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah I donít know about the what if in the past. Hell I donít think I really know the real past.

If you figure this out, you have to tell me ASAP. I think the first 20 years of my marriage will always be a big question mark...thorn in my side.


I have became what I have beheld and am content that I have done right. - Elliot Ness

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Asurvivor flounced on his own. Sent me a nasty PM and then left.

Shit I hate that turkey gif too but I'm not sure it merits hate mail.

When I cut my hair short I went to a hair cutting place. Not a barber shop. They don't have one of those here. Place where it's all brightly lit and it's full of women in black clothes with lots of sharp shit who aren't Sith. I dunno, having a woman shampoo my hair felt way too intimate. Not doing that again. Well, my hair won't ever be that long again. No more metal hair.

We.. you were talking about that right? Scalp massage.. I dunno what the fuck is going on. Nevermind.


ďFate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.Ē

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