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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 14
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is possible, for the truly remorseful WS on here
kg, that is excellent!
Perhaps this is why many patients conclude in their therapy that it’s not the actions or betrayal that they most resent, it’s the lies.*

Some people get this, and are transparent over time,
they're actually beautiful in my mind


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forget an axe or a maul, right about now I feel like spending a couple of hours forcing inanimate objects, like her clothes and shoes, through a wood chipper.

Today after a long conversation before church with my pastor, who I've known for 10 years, he gave me his blessing to file for divorce. I was shocked! This is a man who over many years has steadfastly encouraged me to never give up on my marriage, no matter what WW has done in the past or is presently doing. I think he's beginning to see the toll this has taken on me over the years.

Sal - Liars lie, that's what they do - at least in my personal experience. They lie over big things and little things. They exaggerate, minimize, hide, and omit the truth. They have to lie to cover up the last lie they told. What they fail to understand is that 95% truth and 5% lying is still a lie. They have to lie to cover their ass. What a sad, pathetic way to live. Unless a person in that condition realizes what they've become, admits it, and seeks serious, ongoing counseling, there is no hope of change apart from divine intervention.

A few years back I asked Mrs. Kite if she had any cash on her because I wanted to buy something without using the credit cards. She looked me in the eyes and said No!" She then proceeded to yell and wave her arms when I didn't believe her. She left for the weekend with DS and while she was gone I found a ton of cash under her mattress. When I informed her of this she claimed she had forgotten. Liar! And yet she wonders why I'm suspicious of every single thing she tells me.

I had the chance to raise DS to adulthood, with a compulsive liar in the house, but there's been a price to pay for everyone in this family. If trust is the strong root of every good, working relationship, then lies are the axes and mauls that weaken and finally destroy that root.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kg201 - Sounds like you dodged a bullet. I've had a few nights like that myself with atrial fib. Still, having an ulcer sucks. Take good care of yourself.

Btw sorry that the Pats game didn't make you feel better. Tom Brady can only do so much. Double btw - the Broncos/Cowboys game was one for the books.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
nuance
♂ Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Esophageal ulcer

Can it be from the stress of the A?


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1160 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ulcers are caused by bacteria, some dude won a nobel prize by drinking a petri dish of the bacteria that causes it.

Stress does manifest in some fucked up ways tho.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7119 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Itsgoingtobeok
♂ Member
Member # 37664
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well guy's my WW tells me this today " your sister is very selfish . She has no concerns about other people's feeling". I was just dumbfounded from that coment coming from a ww!


BS-(52)
WS-49
married 28 yrs
Kid's -2
A- several
DD- 12-10-12
Starting recovery

"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty


Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Los Angeles
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Itsgoingtobeok

Those kind of statements from WW rub me the wrong way too. I guess she would know though, she is the queen of selfishness.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today after a long conversation before church with my pastor, who I've known for 10 years, he gave me his blessing to file for divorce. I was shocked! This is a man who over many years has steadfastly encouraged me to never give up on my marriage, no matter what WW has done in the past or is presently doing. I think he's beginning to see the toll this has taken on me over the years.

Kite, man. Not sure how to take this. Shocked in a good way? Have you been wanting D for a long time but couldn't go through with it without his blessing?

I'm a little ignorant of your story - I know bits and pieces. Just was struck by this statement - wasn't sure if this had bigger implications on your future actions.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
Montreal
♂ New Member
Member # 40627
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having a hard time today. Hurting and I want to vent.

Wrote a letter to the wife, didn't send it. Probably should't send it. Yet. Here it is.

I'm really leaning towards divorce now. I just can't see a way to recapture my feelings for you. You've changed. You're not the same person I thought I had. I don't know if I will ever be able to see you the same way again, and I'm not sure I like this new person. What you did was hurtful, mean, deceitful, and worst of all, premeditated. You deliberately set out to cheat on me. To break our vows. You either knew it was wrong and didn't care, or you don't think it's wrong. You said yourself that you have "changed". What does that mean? Its okay for people to change… but change is not always for the better. I don't want to be with somebody who craves, who needs, external validation like that. Let's face it, the only reason you got caught was because of that stupid pregnancy box. Were it not for that box you'd still be chatting/sexting with OM#3, maybe even sleeping with him again. And once things got bad again between us, for whatever reason, he'd be there to provide you with attention. Emotional and physical. And if not him, somebody else. So if this is the new you, somebody who thinks this is okay, and that it was "just sex" then why in the world would you not do it again?? You'd just be smarter this time around. There would be no box.

And I can't be with someone like that.

Oh, but the kids… the kids… the kids. Fuck that hurts, what this will do to the kids. I keep thinking that they will never remember a time when they came from a whole family. Maybe First son (10) a little bit, but even then how much do you remember from when you were younger than 10? Second Son (7) and First Daughter (4) will not remember any of this. They will not remember eating supper together as a family, settling down on the sofa together, watching TV or reading books, going upstairs every night as a family for hugs and kisses goodnight. It just won't be a part of their childhood. Instead, their entire childhood will be defined by the divorce. Who am I with this week? Who gets me this Christmas? Who will make me breakfast in bed on my birthday this year? And more than that, I just won't be there for them 50% of the time. This isn't a "break" for a couple of weeks, or even a couple of months. This will be their life. What happens if First Daughter's first boyfriend breaks up with her and it's not my week? What happens if First Son gets beaten up at the bus stop, and it's not my week? Or Second Son gets caught smoking pot, and it's not my week? Or what about good things? What if they get 100% on an exam? See a funny movie? Learn something new that fascinates them? What if all that happens and I'm not there because it's not my week? Fuck that hurts.

I'm crying again.

This was the stupidest, meanest thing you've ever done.


DDay: July 6, 2013
"not divorcing"

Posts: 50 | Registered: Sep 2013
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well guy's my WW tells me this today " your sister is very selfish . She has no concerns about other people's feeling". I was just dumbfounded from that coment coming from a ww!

This is common with my WW. Its like she wants to apply an ethic to others that she does not keep herself. Seems like a failure to look into the mirror to me.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perhaps this is why many patients conclude in their therapy that it’s not the actions or betrayal that they most resent, it’s the lies.*
Some people get this, and are transparent over time,
they're actually beautiful in my mind

And how many are like my WW that just go back to hiding things and lying because that's their natural state?

We cant change people. If cheating and lying is a WWs natural state then that is what we have to deal with. If we demand change they will do that for awhile but then will likely slip back to what is natural to them in time.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Montreal, I hear you man. Could have written that myself at one point.

Hope your day gets better from here out,


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7119 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Montreal,

Sounds like you should send the letter to me. I'm sorry you are hurting mate, but if you really feel that way she should not only know, but tell you how you are wrong and how she will prove it; IC, transparency, NC, all that shit.

I totally get the fear of tearing up the family, but there is no reason your hypotheticals have to come true - it could be totally opposite. Kids from broken homes do grow up to be ok occasionally.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That was a powerful post, Montreal. There are many men on this thread who can relate to everything you said. I see you are 3 months post D Day. That was an especially brutal month for me, maybe because the shock had completely worn off. Sending strength brother, you sound like a great dad. That won't change no matter what happens to the marriage.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kite, man. Not sure how to take this. Shocked in a good way? Have you been wanting D for a long time but couldn't go through with it without his blessing?

I'm a little ignorant of your story - I know bits and pieces. Just was struck by this statement - wasn't sure if this had bigger implications on your future actions.

I've been in ministry since 1997. Those who have horrible marriages or get divorced are usually excluded from working in that field by their pastors. The ministry is like any other job in a way because it runs on levels of authority. You do what you're told or you're out.

This man allowed me to continue because the circumstances were not my fault, as long as I made an effort to keep the M going. He has counseled WW and knows what a nutjob she is. I want out of the M but would have lost my position had I gone through with a D. That changed on Sunday.

Itsgoingtobeok - welcome to Bizarro World where wrong is right and down is up and nothing makes sense any longer.

Montreal - what a painful predicament to be in. Someone told me early on after D-Day 1, not to make any major decisions such as D until the anger and hurt had subsided somewhat. We're all here for you no matter what you decide.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Montreal - sorry for what you're going through. I'm sure that wasn't easy to write.

I get your worry about the kids, but I've also seen some pretty remarkable stories of children post D that actually had closer relationships with their now separated parents. There are also some creative ways to stay in touch with them even when it is not 'your week' - texting, phone calls, etc... It's all about finding a way to make things work for you. I have a friend who does the week-on, week-off thing, but they have an agreement that the kids call the off-week parent every night before bed. And that call has turned into video-chatting, which they both say helps a lot.

It will be tough, I don't discount that - just trying to maybe give you some things to think about. Things are rarely as bad as the worst case scenario, just as they are never as good as the best case scenario.

Keep in touch. You can get through this. I think we're all, deep down, stronger people then we give ourselves credit for.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey fellas. Just popping in to say hi. Sal, hope everything is going o.k.

You too Montreal.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Montreal-

That bought it back for me...I have read a lot of shit here and that one made me pause and feelings came rushing back.

If you send it or not, IMO, your W needs to hear that shit. Mine did.

I hope your day gets better.

take care...



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hanging in there WB, appreciate your support.

I agree with wert, Montreal's wife needs to hear that stuff one way or the other. She's not entitled to insulation from the enormous pain she caused. Because so much wayward activity requires wrongheaded and foggy thinking, I think many waywards are caught a little off guard by the extent of their spouse's grief. I know my wife was - she said it helped "open her eyes." You can't make this shit up.

Sal - Liars lie, that's what they do - at least in my personal experience. They lie over big things and little things. They exaggerate, minimize, hide, and omit the truth.

If trust is the strong root of every good, working relationship, then lies are the axes and mauls that weaken and finally destroy that root.

So true, and well said Mr. Kite. It sounds like you've made up your mind to D. Sorry it has come to that but I can't blame you. Glad you've been able to resolve things with your job.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like you should send the letter to me.

Consensus? Or are there nay sayers? And if not, why?

I'm with Sal -


She's not entitled to insulation from the enormous pain she caused.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
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