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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 14
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrsflushed - Everyone is broken in one way or another. No one's perfect. The question is, will that significant other recognize her condition and do the work necessary to heal in that area of brokenness?

Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would agree also that I have kind of left my M without leaving it physically (see my comment in BM - Part 13 about WINO - Wife in Name Only). My WW and I are friends with benefits. I don't love her.... but maybe I don't need to.

I think that is all just fine. I stopped loving my W after dday. In my book, love is earn (outside of my kids) not given just for the F of it. That said, it all can change. I love my W now because she has changed again. She is building back up those love credits and I am feeling pretty good about it. It can change back for you too....IMP just make sure it earned...

take care..



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel something coming back. I try to ignore it, but it still creeps in from time to time. I need to really take a look at what fWW has done-sober 5+ yrs, she tries hard-coffee in the am when she wakes me up, stuff like that. Gave me passwords to email & stuff recently when she reset them-I didn't even write them down. I begged for that shit early on. Much has changed, except me-gotta admit I need to tell her I've noticed her changing.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5358 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrsflushed - Everyone is broken in one way or another. No one's perfect. The question is, will that significant other recognize her condition and do the work necessary to heal in that area of brokenness?
I get this. It's the ones that hide it extremely well that i worry about. But even they slip up and show signs eventually and like you said are they doing anything to fix themselves. I'm guessing I just am not over all the stupidity from the M yet. I've been adjusting to single life with the kids over the last few months and just having a rough week I guess.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1559 | Registered: May 2011
damaged71
♂ Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think a weird part or one of the conflicts that came up at the one year mark.

I spent the first year trying to "hold my position" to speak in military terms. When you find out, you circle the wagons and prepare for battle. There is this sudden urge to protect everything at all cost.

At the 1 year mark after everything settled down I started asking myself, "what was I trying so hard to protect"? It's not like I had a dream marriage. It looked like that from the outside and still does actually. I wasn't really that happy.

It was in that moment I think I truly became "free". I realized that if it fails my life will still be great. If this doesn't work it's not the end of the world.

It's those things I still struggle with. I think at the drop of a hat I could still walk. My wife ensured that the warm fuzzy feelings I had were stomped out.

I hate to say this too but my wife is smoking hot and I find her so physically attractive it's not funny. So... when I feel like walking I take a look at her and can't seem to do so.

I am weak I tell ya.


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Much has changed, except me-gotta admit I need to tell her I've noticed her changing.

Funny my W made coffee for me for a year or so after d-day. Trust me that is an effort for her...she is not a morning person. I make it now because I am a morning person...but she is up with me every morning for 10 to 15 minute prior to me leaving for work at 6:15.

Remember..you don't have to shit. But if you want to and you are starting to believe its really there, it's a nice narrative to the be the one who can see the world broadly, forgive and love again. It doesn't make the betrayal go away but its a real good story.

take care...



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wert

But if you want to and you are starting to believe its really there, it's a nice narrative to the be the one who can see the world broadly, forgive and love again. It doesn't make the betrayal go away but its a real good story.

^^^ ^^^ Word. Golden. Word


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The story I have paints me as a strong person who overcame obstacles, showed generosity to one who did not earn it and lived to tell the tale. My W story is that she made some very bad choices, but was lucky enough to be shown mercy and grace.

I am the hero and she is/was lucky. Who would you rather be ?

Yep. It's not like it happens all at once either, but it's a choice after watching my W change.

It's easy to bang on people who have screwed up. But throughout my life, the people I respect the most are the ones who get back up. I am one of those people. My W is starting to prove to me that she is too.

I don't believe that crap about better than ever after the A. I would rather go undefeated than to lose one year and battle back to win it the next. Life just tends to dish out more of the latter....

take care...



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FIXING A BROKEN PICKER

I’m afraid a really good “Picker Filter” would screen out at least two-thirds of the women out there, and if they’re over thirty and not currently married, possibly so close to 100% as to be a useless tool. Odds might be better with married women, but we're not allowed to fish in that pond, and the one's that take the bait are bad news anyway.

Not forgetting that this works both ways, I’ve been thinking about what to tell my boys, who are reaching the age where this wisdom is important. Here’s my provisional list, others are encouraged to add to it as they see fit.

1. Family History, aka FOO Issues. As someone pointed out in the last BMenz thread, if you marvel that “she’s the only one in her family that’s not fucked up”, you’re wrong about that.
2. Adult Child of Alcoholics, aka ACOA. So much bad FOO here that it deserves it’s own category, and fairly easy to discover, whereas the psychology of #1 can be subtle.
3. Personal History, especially history of multiple casual sex partners or multiple short-term or failed relationships.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I went 3 for 3 getting these wrong and married a beautiful woman who only took 4 years to go off the reservation. But, see the comments above, she was so smokin’ hot that I wasn’t going to let her get away that easy and followed my own version of Wert’s strategy. 30 years later, we’re still married, still in love, and at 62 she’s still smokin’ hot.

We Will Overcome.

[This message edited by MoreWould at 4:37 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's easy to bang on people who have screwed up.

It is. Although there is a stage where those demons have to be exercised so to speak.

I feel it is just to point out to someone who wronged you, how that makes you feel.

You can look at it a few ways. The wise WS often cite, how much punishment is enough. I think that is a " me" view. It might feel like punishment to the recipient, but the person releasing it is really going through a time were those feelings have to be expressed so the underlying primary emotion can rise to the surface.

It depends on which side of the coin you are on. One is punishment the other is purging the bad feelings. I think that can get lost in that discussion sometimes. My .02


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2455 | Registered: May 2010
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I must be needing to post today or some shit...

Broken pickers...

My defense is be present and pay close attention to them. What they say, what they do and how they act. No shinny veneer. Just the facts...Oh yeah and if you see shit...call em on it. Watch how they react. Direct people who are telling the truth don't squirm....

I would also argue that any BH needs to fix their picker because they are with someone who needs to be observed differently based on historical data....not living in fear, but closely paid attention to....

my two cents...



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My picker is very broken.

How to fix it? Not a clue.

I do think that getting myself to a point where I am comfortable being by myself is a start. I need to be on my own for a while to work on some things before I will even consider looking around. Once I reach the point of being happy on my own I think I will be ready. I'm giving myself a couple years minimum for that to happen. I have a lot of healing to do.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Man... I hate being the good guy. Why do I have to be the one to move on with a woman I don't love just for the sake of not getting screwed in the courts and not splitting up the family. Why can't I just be a selfish ass-hole and tell her to fuck off, move on, and find someone who I could truly love and connect with.

Why does this have to be my lot in life? What if I want better for me? Is that really so wrong? I'm 35 damn it... I'm not 90. I have 2/3rds of my life in front of me (knock-on-wood)... I don't know if I can stand wasting that much of my life married to someone who did what my WW did. Yes, she's sorry now. She's trying now. She seems remorseful. But I just don't know... maybe I'm just being greedy. Maybe I have some image in my head of what M should be, and I'm pissed because that image has a big stain on it now.

Bottom line - If I can't find it in my to reconnect with her, to love her...is it really so wrong to move on?


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
wincing_at_light
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Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

64, your last post fills me with a shit-ton of joy. No sarcasm, brother. I'm happy for you.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bottom line - If I can't find it in my to reconnect with her, to love her...is it really so wrong to move on?

Is it fear? Is it shame? We all have our deal breakers. It could be that you just won't get over your WW's A still being married to her. If you really feel deep down that you can't or won't love and respect her again I think you might have our answer. You don't deserve to be locked into something that you don't truly want. And your WW doesn't deserve to have that hanging over her head all the time for the rest of her life either. It's hard to make that choice until you can take a step back and really look at it for what it is. I don't know when your dday was but maybe you just need more time to let the emotional dust settle so to speak. I waited till I knew I could make a rational decision based on my WW's actions (turned out to be inaction really). I feel for you. I have been there for sure. I am still dealing with it on a certain level too. You'll get through this.

ETA - As far as being the "good guy", I am right there with you. My STBXWW and I still live together. We both agreed to D. BUT, she has some addiction issues that she is working on I agreed to stay and support her through that so long as she is actively working through it. We have a date set to move out and if I don't see any improvements I am out of there quicker than she can blink. But I still feel a sense of duty to help someone in need, even if she shit all over me and our marriage like she did. I have pity, one of my biggest weaknesses.

[This message edited by RyeBread at 4:02 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
kg201
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Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she has some addiction issues that she is working on I agreed to stay and support her through that so long as she is actively working through it. We have a date set to move out and if I don't see any improvements I am out of there quicker than she can blink. But I still feel a sense of duty to help someone in need, even if she shit all over me and our marriage like she did. I have pity, one of my biggest weaknesses.

Rye, that's pretty empathetic stuff right there. I wish I could still support my wife through her terminal illness, but I have to focus on me. Since she chose her boyfriend as her caregiver over me, I can't be around that. I am trying not to care, because it is to damn painful, but it is hard. She had scans last week to look at her tumors. And she asked me whether I wanted to know the results, and I just told her, not particularly. When friends who don't know about our situation ask how she is doing I have to tell them that I have no clue and to ask the boyfriend.

Damn hard to be empathetic. Good for you, Rye.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really, really good MC session today. Didn't necessarily go the route originally discussed, but it went an equally (or possibly even more) satisfying and healthy route. Basically, we talked about how my wife needs to pull her own weight in the process of reconciling, and the MC pretty much concurred, while also indicating that she thought that the process might be as far along as it can be until my wife does the serious work on herself.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1571 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nice FP. Must have felt good to have the MC confirm that your wife needs to own her shit.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nice FP. Must have felt good to have the MC confirm that your wife needs to own her shit.
It really was. I mean, she hasn't blameshifted at all since the PA came out 8 months ago or anything like that. She knows that the A is on her completely. It was more like, *that awkward moment in MC when everybody in the room realizes that before any more MC progress can be made, some serious IC work needs to done by the WS*.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1571 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
reallyscrewedup7
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Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Speaking only for myself, I question my decision to attempt reconciliation every day. And so far, I have answered myself that I do it for me.

My personal story was R after almost completed D. And I needed it. For reasons I won't go into again, my son needed it. And it has made my acceptance of the whole shitstorm easier. But that doesn't mean I have not struggled with the painful thoughts that by offering R, I let her get away with it.

But she hasn't.

And so far, that has changed everything.

I no longer defer to her whims. If it matters to me, I call her out. I accept nothing less that what I find acceptable and I don't let her use sex as a weapon. I find not taking shit from her a far better existence.

And you know what, she offers way less grief for me than ever. I am not sure, but she acts like she respects me and damned if I will ever get back to the place of putting her before me ever again.

It is a hard road. Forgiveness is not a simple gift to give, but one that needs daily contemplation and action. Especially for something so soul crushing.

But the other side of it is a much better place to live than in angry depression.

[This message edited by reallyscrewedup7 at 4:56 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


Infidelity sucks shit

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