Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 14
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I know when STBX is pissed because she is breathing air. There is always something.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
doubleboggy
♂ Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not the same but my wife's way of handling me getting mad, usually at something she did, is to instantly and for no reason, get twice as mad at me. Great coping skills!


I have became what I have beheld and am content that I have done right. - Elliot Ness

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iím just catching up, saw aesirís sandwich article and had the same thought Ė some people just donít know how to lighten up. It was not until I made it to Mr Nicholsonís picture (totally unrelated to the connection) that the connection dawned on me. Must admit I am smiling Ė thanks guys.

Edit because I canít spell

[This message edited by foundoutlater at 8:19 PM, September 30th (Monday)]


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1063 | Registered: Jul 2011
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With my ex, "Listening to Maroon 5" was her tell. I knew she was really pissed off about something when she listened to that crap.

What really ticks Mrs. Kite off is ZZ Top. When I first proposed to her at a beach in Santa Cruz, CA, this was back in 84, she turned me down flat. I was angry and humiliated and it was a long drive home that day.

Besides having me play ZZ Top tunes, she also hated it when I smoked cigars around her. So it was "Legs," "La Grange" and any other of their tunes I had with me in the van, plus a big, fat stogie on the way home. Didn't see her again for six months after that day.

In retrospect, like waving garlic and a crucifix at a vampire, I should have kept smoking stogies and enjoying Billy Gibbons, Dusty Hill, and Frank Beard whenever she came around. Would have saved us both a lot of misery and pain.

"Woke Up With Wood"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYSxaZikpYA


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Evening Gents. I offers my STBX the house for what we owe. It's the last obstacle in my freedom. She's "all in". Filling out an apication as we speak. My 'buy out' plus closing costs still puts her at 80% LTV. Her debt to income ratio may not qualify her but she's working on her parents for a co signer. The Mr. Nice Guy routine is paying off. I'll get close to what I would've gotten on a full price offer on a sale. She will get her house and at a rediculous discount. It's win win. It's been hard to be so nice but it's for this very reason. I walk with cash and debt free. Wish me luck.


D Day: 6/13/13
Moving on. Every Single Day.

Posts: 493 | Registered: Jul 2013
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Best of luck to you, Sunsets! In my case, we had to short sell. The hit to my credit wasn't as bad as a foreclosure but it was still less than ideal. It sure was a huge relief when the house was gone. Bittersweet but a relief nonetheless. Of course, I didn't have a sweet beach house to move to...

Posts: 1325 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's actually on the bay. I will have eight arduous miles to the beach. sigh.


D Day: 6/13/13
Moving on. Every Single Day.

Posts: 493 | Registered: Jul 2013
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And you are welcome anytime


D Day: 6/13/13
Moving on. Every Single Day.

Posts: 493 | Registered: Jul 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

we all do things for our partners that enforce stereotypes

I've stepped out of stereotype's robe,
that stole she stole and abused.
Will no longer buy some convincing lie

Will end my life on a satisfied sigh that at least
I told the truth.


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Truth, strength and honor. My personal blueprint.


D Day: 6/13/13
Moving on. Every Single Day.

Posts: 493 | Registered: Jul 2013
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not for her. For me :me


D Day: 6/13/13
Moving on. Every Single Day.

Posts: 493 | Registered: Jul 2013
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My stereo type is sirius XM channel 38.


ďFate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.Ē

Posts: 7119 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been struggling a bit lately... god this sucks sometimes.

My wife and I have been talking a lot, which is good. One of my biggest struggles with her right now though is that the 'spark' is gone. I care about her, we're friendly with each other, but it just seems like that special something, that connection, is gone. It's been gone for a while. I think it was dying a bit before the A, but whatever was left got euthanized on D-Day.

Am I alone in this? Is this normal? And if it is... does it ever come back? Can I ever look at her again and feel that special connection? Am I just being a sentimental sap?

I want to feel a connection with her again, I just don't. It's like I don't know how anymore.

She can be a very good woman, despite what happened. She can be kind, caring, understanding. She is a great mother to our children. She is attractive. But she is also the woman who broke my heart...

Give me some hope here guys. Does this stuff just take time? Am I just being stupid?


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi ontheslop,

Am I alone in this?

No

Is this normal?

I hope so.

And if it is... does it ever come back?

Don't know, but this is where I am feeling, and sort of what I posted last week in Regaining Respect for WW except that I am seeing the warts and short comings more than the beauty and positives.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

except that I am seeing the warts and short comings more than the beauty and positives.
I could never figure out how to put in words how my attitude and feelings towards my STBXW changed. What you posted fits perfectly. STBXW is the same person but not the same person if that makes sense. I still see her but I see through her now. I never truly understood what people meant when they said shit like beauty is only skin deep or it's what on the inside that counts. I guess I was just a superficial asshole back then but I understand it now because while my STBXW is still very attractive when I look at her I see "ugly". I see the person she truly is warts and shortcomings more than ever now. It makes dealing with her easier because I am no longer physically attracted to her and mostly just disgusted to be honest.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2011
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I alone in this? Is this normal? And if it is... does it ever come back? Can I ever look at her again and feel that special connection? Am I just being a sentimental sap?

You are normal, IMO. I think it does come back for some, but for me it has yet to come back.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It makes dealing with her easier because I am no longer physically attracted to her and mostly just disgusted to be honest.

Wish I could say the same... I am very much still physically attracted to my W, it is the emotional attraction that I have the hardest time with. Beautiful on the outside, but I can't see the beauty on the inside. She does not disgust me, and I do care about her... just makes it tough. Makes me think maybe I'm not trying hard enough, but how do you 'force' yourself to develop those kinds of feelings for someone again?

I don't think you can...and I'm wondering how long you wait for them to come back. At what point do you say 'babe, it just isn't there anymore...'


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife and I have been talking a lot, which is good. One of my biggest struggles with her right now though is that the 'spark' is gone. I care about her, we're friendly with each other, but it just seems like that special something, that connection, is gone. It's been gone for a while. I think it was dying a bit before the A, but whatever was left got euthanized on D-Day.

Been thinking on this one a lot lately. Too much most likely. For me it is coming down to love and forgiveness = respect.

Love - The more I ponder this the more I realize that love is a choice. It's not always an easy one. When I think that the "feeling" is gone I now think of the "feeling" my W had for OM. The stupid tingle. It was bullshit and I don't want to have bullshit love. What I have with my W is more direct, objective and less fluffy. I like it and consistently remind myself that is my relationship now, not a vague tingle. She has warts and so do I. As we age the veneer gets stripped off.

Forgiveness - Most of the time people talk about forgiveness I just want to puke. I have forgiven my W. Why? Because she earned it by changing and continues to earn it by talking to me and continuing to be open. I don't believe in forgiving for any other reason than if someone earned it. When people talk about forgiving for yourself, to me, that is just letting go...which I am real good at now.

When you combine the two, newly defined love and viewing her as forgiven because she earned it, I now see respect coming back. She is advancing in her career. She is talking to my daughter and boys about their feelings and encouraging them to be honest with themselves and with us. She is no longer a fluffy me me me person. She has me wondering about who she is becoming again - in the good way.

It's my choice to listen closely to her. To watch her with interest. It's my choice to evaluate who she is now vs who she had become during the A. It's my responsibility to myself to ensure I am being honest with myself that her change is real and I see the evidence. I am.

A friend of mine that I told about my W's A said he has more respect for people who screw up and overcome their deficits than he does for people have just gotten it. I respect my W for changing. For stepping up and honestly facing her shit. It was really hard being on the ass end of her shit, but what my friend said is very true.

take care...

[This message edited by wert at 10:33 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ontheslope - there is only hope when a WW is doing the work by being totally open and transparent with you instead of hiding and concealing, and working on her issues as well as helping you to heal. If your wife is doing all those things but you have lost your spark, then maybe it was a dealbreaker for you. On the other hand it may just take time for you to get that spark back. It is possible for some. Wert and some others here are very blessed to have wives who get it and do what is necessary to make that happen.

In my case none of the work was done by her and there is no spark whatsoever. Last weekend she told me about a man she was in love with but nothing ever happened except some kissing and fondling. This took place during our M. First of all she's a pathological liar which in itself disgusts me, and secondly she once again chose another man over me which is devastating. When there is no trust, there is no hope because that is the bedrock of every successful relationship.

I guess I was just a superficial asshole back then but I understand it now because while my STBXW is still very attractive when I look at her I see "ugly". I see the person she truly is warts and shortcomings more than ever now. It makes dealing with her easier because I am no longer physically attracted to her and mostly just disgusted to be honest.

Before I married WW there was a woman ten years younger than me who was not very attractive but we got along well and had many common interests. Then Mrs. Kite came along, a former model and a real beauty. She was a pain in the ass but the attraction was there and I stupidly fell for it. Now I have paid and continue to pay the price for being superficial and stupid. Reminds me of the song
"Get An Ugly Girl To Marry You"

"If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife.
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you."


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Get An Ugly Girl To Marry You"

I hate to use the term ugly but I do think there is some validity to that. If a guy needs an 8-10 on the attractiveness scale then I think the A probability goes up. I don't want to paint with a broad brush (I am going to anyway) but from personal experience, the best looking ones seem the most entitled, and the least humble. Funny how perspective changes over time and experience...at least for non-self absorbed people anyway.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.