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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 14
nuance
♂ Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, all Ms hit rough patched and people react in different ways. Some ride through it to a better (or not) M. Others divorce. And some have affairs. Or a combination of these. We know which path our WS took. Which one will you take?

Isn't it time for a beer or a hard lemonade of sorts in this thread?


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1160 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
flup
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Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by flup at 12:35 AM, September 27th (Friday)]


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 426 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
flup
♂ Member
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jeez... I guess I need to learn to judge dimensions. Although, I'd really like one of those beers in that size!


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 426 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
VD2012
♂ Member
Member # 36317
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post StillGoing.

My wife and I play games together. It's a mutual hobby and interest which at times has brought us really close together. It probably is a generational thing. My wife and I have very similar overlapping interests in just about everything. I really did marry my best friend.

I also don't really use them as escapism or obsess over them. Didn't touch a single game after D-Day until about 10 months out (Starcraft II campaign). Then at 14 months out beat The Last of Us. Only now am I dabbling in certain things when I have the time.

It's about moderation and priorities. This goes for anything in life. Playing an engaging game for a couple hours is no worse than watching a movie or some television. Could even be viewed as better for the mental exercise.

Then again my wife's 'reasons' for her affair tend from the typical and don't involve any blame placed on me so I suppose the simple as to flup's question is, no.


Me: 28 ~ Her (FR2012): 27
Together: 9 years, 2 children
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Surrender to the truth of life.


Posts: 466 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Traversing Dark Places With The Light of Truth
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

..answer I have to such drivel is; "What M?"
The dead one? The one that she killed?
I subscribe to that idea as well, jj. The old marriage is, in fact, dead...at least in thought. But since we didn't divorce and re-marry, legally our marriage is *still alive*, and I think when most people (outside of infidelity forums) refer to the marriage being dead, they mean divorce. Like WAL has said at length (GREAT length) most BM who reconcile happily do so under a model that is damn-near unrecognizable when compared with the 'normal' societal model. I.e. less enmeshed, less BFF-forevah type stuff. So I think that for most people, dead marriage = divorce, and so why would you stick around and build a new marriage with someone when you could just move on? Mostly, because I really like my wife and our family and life. She's still the first person I want to see in the morning, and the first person I want to share my hopes, dreams, and random thoughts with.


My answer to any MC/IC who tried that with me would reveal his or her inability to practice. I'd play a videogame on that and rip their lungs out. With a razorlike tongue. FTN.

Just don't buy the bullshit.

Yeah, and I think that sometimes with MC it gets a little tricky. I spend a solid amount of time on here, reading and writing, and it's easy for me to forget that not everyone uses the same verbiage to express the same ideas, or that not everyone is nearly as precise with their words and ideas as our best posters here tend to be. It wasn't said in an admonishing or attacking way, it was just sort of at the end of the session when things were winding down...hence why it didn't really click until a few days later. I'm a slow processor.


"humans are vulnerable to heterosexual outbursts"
God forbid I ever get divorced and have a one-night stand, but if I do, I'm using this when I slip out the next morning....written on a blank hallmark card..left on the nightstand.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 9:17 AM, September 27th (Friday)]


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never enjoyed the first-person shooters or Madden. Was a Mario Kart fan myself. Had to quit playing video games years ago. It seems, that at least in my case, playing those games in the dark were causing seizure-like symptoms. Once I stopped, the symptoms did as well.

On another note: Any excuse for why WW had A's tends to majorly piss me off. An excuse just postpones confession and repentance.

Have a great weekend gentlemen!


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's about moderation and priorities. This goes for anything in life.
Agreed. I make a deal with myself: after my son goes to sleep, I knock out a chore or two. Do some dishes, put some clothes away. For me mentally, it's like a 1:1 thing. A little work for the home, a little fun for me.
Playing an engaging game for a couple hours is no worse than watching a movie or some television. Could even be viewed as better for the mental exercise.
Agreed. I think video games get a bad rap in a way that say, binge-Netflix watching doesn't, because despite game-playing being fairly common, culturally it's still somewhat viewed as a complete waste of time....something that teenage boys do, not men with responsibilities. I mean, if I tell someone that I spent 3 hours playing "Skyrim" last night versus telling someone I spent 3 hours binge-watching Netflix, I'm likely to get two completely different reactions.

ETA: Neither of those things happened.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Tred
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Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FP,

It's not the activity that gets the bad rap, it's taking away time from what you should be doing that gives it a bad name. I used to play EQ2 because my wife spent her evenings on Facebook and YoVille (before that it was MySpace). I don't have any social media accounts, so unless she wanted to play Yahtzee, Cribbage, darts, or watch TV I was looking for ways to pass time in the evenings. So I played EQ2. And I didn't feel bad about it - I just figured it was a routine we had gotten into over a decade plus of marriage. I thought she was happy...never thought that she was using Facebook and YoVille to have long quiet talks with other men, flirt, chat, and all that other shit. Hell, her AP was a FB friend of hers until his wife got suspicious and they unfriended each other. I even saw in the history that she spent a lot of time on his FB page and asked her about him - she said it was a HS friend. Duh. Trust sucks.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
Razor
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Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Old guy here. As such I just dont get video games. The last one I played was Pong on a Atari system. From my perspective they are a waste of time. Life is better.

I dont watch much television either.

So. What exactly are you guys talking about?


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
VD2012
♂ Member
Member # 36317
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well Tred, as I said it's about moderation and priorities. And what you describe doesn't just apply to games it applies to everything. Books, movies, dancing, drinking, sports, fishing, knitting, social-media, porn, cars, yachting, model building, gardening, church going, snorkeling, eating, working, exercising, and so on.

All things you could do that can take away time from what you should be doing. It's just strange video games almost exclusively get bagged on for that purpose while other things don't. As FacePunched said, no one gets frowned upon for saying they watched 3 hours of Netflix straight. 3 hours of a game, what a waste. 3 hours straight of the new hot show, wow that was an amazing few episodes right?

My wife's sister looks down on her (though quietly) for playing games. My wife enjoys shooters, the occasional bit of time with WoW and shit like Animal Crossing and Picross. Her sister views it as a waste of time, childish and pointless. She in turn watches soap operas, does crafts and otherwise gossips. They both prioritize their children and spouses, both accomplish their work as needed and are doing what they need to in life. My wife is all around happier, go figure. She also has more varied interests and hobbies.

That's why my wife and I try to engage in overlapping hobbies. Perhaps we're lucky and just enjoy similar things. Be it going for a walk, playing some Mario with our daughter, discussing a book, chatting about the show we just watched while grocery shopping, tag teaming our daughter into behaving, me writing while she crochets, or talking about how our respective exercising is going (her's great, mine utterly slacking off into non-existence). The other week I was in our basement painting a wicker chair I'm fixing up for her and she came down to do a puzzle. We weren't doing anything together but just being in the same room and occasionally talking while doing our own thing was nice.

Moderation and priorities. Sure, a lot of people can't moderate and prioritize the wrong thing, but it applies to everything.

Games can indeed create rifts and be distancing tools. Goes for everything though. In our family games are but one thing we randomly enjoy that we try to make a family thing out of. Sitting around playing some Mario Kart together isn't much different then us playing Scrabble together or going outside to toss a ball around. It's just how you approach it and incorporate stuff into your life in a healthy manner.


Me: 28 ~ Her (FR2012): 27
Together: 9 years, 2 children
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Surrender to the truth of life.


Posts: 466 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Traversing Dark Places With The Light of Truth
StillGoing
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Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah. Gaming is looked at like a childish thing. Like it's a waste of time compared to gardening or somesuch. As if rather than fit into the escapism category alongside other obsessions, it's immediately looked down upon in the same way, I dunno, playing RPGs are or painting miniatures for tabletop wargames.

Old guy here. As such I just dont get video games. The last one I played was Pong on a Atari system. From my perspective they are a waste of time. Life is better.

I dont watch much television either.

So. What exactly are you guys talking about?

I dunno if you meant it that way Razor, but it sounded condescending.

The discussion wrt gaming there is about dismissal of it as a waste of time simply because it is what it is. I think golf is a waste of time. There are plenty of other ways I would rather spend my time drinking with friends in the sun than via golf.

People don't look at a golfer who spends all day out golfing as a child, though. You don't hear "What kind of a grown man spends all day on a golf course?"

It's kind of like when I rant about Star Wars or Captain America. yeah it's childish I guess, but if I am going to talk archetypes I'd rather they be generally accessible topics as opposed to the character of Alexei Alexandrovich Karenin as a BH, who IMO appears very differently than he would otherwise to a reader. I think the way Tolstoy presents his character is seen by the general population as cold and unfeeling and that he is deserving of his humiliation as a cuckold for trying to continue his life with his cheating wife rather than destroy everything in a divorce. Taken from the perspective of the BH's here though, that theme is infinitely more complex and personally, reading his pacing at night and constructing careful speeches only to have them crumble in the moment sounds almost as if the author actually lived through it for the intimacy of the mind of a BH he presents.

That went a little off track I think, sorry.


eta:

Speaking to gaming as a couples thing, she got sucked into New Vegas so I won't see her for awhile.

We met online in a video game in 1993 though, so it has some positive associations to it at a basic level for me as well.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 11:07 AM, September 27th (Friday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7119 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The way I golf, not only is it a waste of time, it's a waste of money... .


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
Sal1995
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Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Could even be viewed as better for the mental exercise.

One of our twin boys beat the Sonic game when he was 4 and a half, then beat one of the most recent Wii Mario games when he was 6, and was well on his way to solving the Wii Donkey Kong game before losing interest.

At least one parent that I know of reacted with barely concealed horror when my wife told her about our boy's video game skills.

I was an old school Super Mario Brothers junkie back in the day and as an adult got into a few of the Tiger Woods EA Sports games. Still managed to earn a professional doctorate. People overreact to kids playing video games IMO. We let our boys do it because it's what they love and they seem well-adjusted and normal in all aspects. They periodically get bored with it and take a few weeks off. They also love baseball and drawing.

I killed a fly with my bare hand the other day, so maybe video games help with hand-eye coordination. It seems to me that it has to sharpen something between the ears because the brain has to make a lot of split-second decisions.

The problem is when it becomes an obsession. My younger brother used to play the TW games on his PS past midnight, hours after his ex-wife went to bed. That marriage ended in 2000 after about 8 years. If the boys are still into video games as young adults I'll use that as a cautionary tale - the marital relationship comes before video games.

Escapism, in whatever form, is deadly to a marriage.

ETA: No, I didn't use chopsticks.

Re: golf. I'm with Tred. There is no bigger waste of time and money than the sorry sight of me trying to control a little white ball with a stick. I still find myself doing it about half a dozen times a year. It's an expensive and maddening way to spend 4 hours drinking beer with my brothers when we get together.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 11:18 AM, September 27th (Friday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
64fleet
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Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I played video games for hours as a kid(I remember standing in line to get the latest ATARI game), my kids play them all the time but somehow I just don't. Guess I'm old like Razor.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
MoreWould
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Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a wiser man than me once said,

All things in moderation, even excess.

We have a few rather time-consuming hobbies that W and I share. Skiing in the winter, biking in the summer. We also drink plenty of very good tequila.

We both gave up expensive, time consuming activities that we didn't share. I gave up sailing, she gave up her AP. Fair is fair, right?

We both pursue our own interests separately, but we keep them relatively inexpensive and not too time consuming. I admit, I spend too much time on SI.

I used to play video games, but gave it up decades ago in the "Harrier" era when I realized I was bombing the good guys. So I took my last bomb load and sank my aircraft carrier. Put the joystick down forever.

[This message edited by MoreWould at 1:28 PM, September 27th (Friday)]


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
aesir
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Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gotta say Razor, video games have changed a lot since Pong.

Now they often have intricate storylines and the optimization path is not nearly as obvious. In many respects, videogames are where the best modern storytellers go, since there doesn't appear to be any money in publishing unless you want to write tripe catering to the juvenile fantasy tropes evident in things like 50 shades.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
7yrsflushed
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Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to game. Was big into FPS games espcially the Unreal series. UT2k4 sucked up so much of my time. The industry killed itself for me. I didn't stop gaming it was more like gaming left me in the dust. It used to be that everyone had the same weapons and stats and how good of a player you were at mastering the mechanics of the game and learning the maps was the difference between the average and great players. Now all FPS games seem to be about perks, upgrades, and stuff. That hands down killed gaming for me. I did like the left for dead series though.

I looked forward to building a new PC every few years just because I liked doing it. I was waiting for my son to get old enough to game with me. But that's not happening now. I lost interest although my son and daughter do like playing the Wii. I hooked up the PS2 the other day and it was like Christmas in September for them.

I'm a little jealous of you guys, I wish I could play more but I don't have the time these days.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2011
Razor
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Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dunno if you meant it that way Razor, but it sounded condescending.

Honestly did not intend it that way.

One of the things about getting old is you frequently feel left behind as the world is moving on. I dont even understand allot of the commercials I see on the television these days. And dont even get me started on what passes for comedy these days. Comedy seems vulgar. Commercials are indecipherable and obnoxious. I simply dont get it.

There was an age where I saw my self turning into my father. Now I see my self turning into my Grand father which is very disturbing.

My sons play video games. My middle boy once tried to teach me to play, but I lack the coordination to work the complicated button on the controller. I think that most people that play these games started out young and played simpler games and over time as the complexity gradually grew they learnt and adapted. So its impossible for someone to just jump in to this sort of thing now.

Also. The game my son tried to get me into was a martial arts combat thing. For context I have to tell you that I am a martial artist. 6th dan in one style and 3rd dan in 2 others. I trained for close to 50 years. Anyway the game seemed to be nothing about martial arts to me. It was some kind of magic thing where you could shoot lighting bolts at the other guy. There was no strategy and what martial arts techniques that were available were limited and difficult for me to do. The thing that bothered me the most was the lightening bolts thing. I mean.. seriously? lightening bolts? WTH?

So that was it. Pong. Oh and one game of Pac Man. and then lightening bolts. I dont get it and the world is going to hell in a hand basket.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
Sal1995
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Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nice looking brew, flup.

Have a great weekend gents.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
ForwardMotion
♂ Member
Member # 32608
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Green Flash Green Bullet Triple IPA. Just sayin'.

Peace to all.


me - BH

'It's not the end of everything,
It's just end of everything you know.'


Posts: 400 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Tejas
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