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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 14
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This shit sucks.

Yep. I remember DDay weekend, when I handed my wife the letter I had written detailing what I was going to ask for in divorce, and she said after 15 years, I'm not even going to try to work it out? I was astounded at that logic. Did she totally forget the part where I told her if she ever cheated on me, that it would lead straight to divorce? Now that she was caught, she didn't want her actions to have consequences? I'll stop now before I blow a gasket.

Rant away RB.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Dec 2011
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On D-day, I asked (begged really) my wife to give up OM and try to preserve our marriage and family. Her response was ' I can't do that right now'.

I filed that afternoon. She immediately told her family and friends that 'I was kicking her out'.

Go figure.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1107 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she didn't want her actions to have consequences?

Exactly!!

She seems to forget her 7yr A and how that might, just might have some hurt feelings and mistrust associated with it (insert extreme anger and sarcasm here). Strangely, I am the one walking on eggshells. Pretty ingenious way to mask your destructive choices by putting everyone else on the defensive. I swear, she should be working for the CIA doing psychological warfare policy and tactics.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
doubleboggy
♂ Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was just wondering:

My wife married me because I was stable and secure. I think all of us here are. However, stable and secure also means boring. (except for Tred and Wonderboy)
AP was exciting and a fun "bad boy". The bad boys however, are unstable and offer no security thus why WW's need to go outside the marriage but yet stay in the marriage. Maybe Razor has a point that if I could just "not give a damn" my "Bad Boy" status would go up as well as my mental health.


I have became what I have beheld and am content that I have done right. - Elliot Ness

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not to change the topic or anything, but just came across this:

http://www.thrillist.com/drink/nation/falls-best-beers

"The 25 beers you need to drink this Fall"

Challenge accepted


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Dec 2011
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Double,

Check out Athol Kay's blog and books on this very topic.

I think the blog's name is

http://marriedmansexlife.com/blog/


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1107 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bogey I've always wondered that same thing... I've kind of gone a bit in Razor's direction in that I don't give as much of a damn what my WW thinks as I used to. I still care what she has to say, but damn, I'm my own man, I can make my own choices in what makes me happy.

Bought a TV this weekend. I'd been wanting one for a while. The old me would have "asked permission" from the WW. Not so much anymore.

Conversation went like this:

ME: "I'm buying a new TV."
HER: "Don't I get a say in it?"
ME: "Not really. It's going on my account and I'm using my money. I'll let you use it when it's set up and working. How's that?"

And damn if it didn't feel good to do that...


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AP was exciting and a fun "bad boy". The bad boys however, are unstable and offer no security thus why WW's need to go outside the marriage but yet stay in the marriage.

I have no doubt that this is typical of a WW mindset. My response to that would be to grow up. This isn't 1989, and my wife isn't in high school anymore. If they want the bad boy, marry them then report back to us in about 12 months. If you want to feed your inner wild child, get a rose tattoo or pierce your navel like a 20-year old. There's no excuse for cheating, but I have no doubt immaturity plays a huge role.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Merlin, Rye, same boat here. I just had an exchange with my WW about the kids, and the tone in her email has animosity written into it. What the hell did I do, other than have a reaction to her bad choices? She chose him over me, what more does she want?


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 385 | Registered: Aug 2013
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by kg201 at 2:48 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 385 | Registered: Aug 2013
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for the repeat posts chaps. I hate these iPads.

[This message edited by kg201 at 2:49 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 385 | Registered: Aug 2013
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by kg201 at 2:49 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 385 | Registered: Aug 2013
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by kg201 at 2:51 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 385 | Registered: Aug 2013
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by kg201 at 2:53 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 385 | Registered: Aug 2013
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you live in a state like NJ and get divorced, permanent alimony can easily make up for the salary that the 'bad boy' (what a misnomer, beta loser is better) can't make because he's unemployed and busy trying to figure out how to avoid jail time behind his multiple DUIs.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1107 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
doubleboggy
♂ Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys are great! Reading this thread is the only time I have laughed since this whole shit storm started.


I have became what I have beheld and am content that I have done right. - Elliot Ness

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013
1985
♂ Member
Member # 28171
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think MoreWould's comments are interesting. From my DDay in 1985 until I found SI in about 2010 I believed that cheating by wives was fairly rare. I had just bought in to what I believe for a long time was "conventional wisdom" --- men are dirty dogs that cheat regularly but women don't because they care so much more about husband, family and kids. And so I went along all those years thinking that I was an aberration; either terribly unlucky, somehow defective as a man and husband or both.
SI helped me see the truth. Both genders cheat. And the decision to cheat isn't affected by your gender; it is driven by who you are. By your ability to form and adhere to boundaries ( or not). By your ability to self delude about the seriousness and potential fallout of what you are doing. By your self centeredness and feelings of entitlement. And by your lack of concern for your own spouse and family.
And having learned that, I now DO look at every couple we/I know and wonder about them. And I look at seemingly happy couples walking down the street or in a restaurant and wonder.
The statistics I have read say half of all marriages are touched by infidelity. We have at times been to dinner with 3 other couples and I know that statistically one of them have been touched by it ( we of course bring the total for that night to 50%). I always have to wonder which one since on the surface none of them seem at all possible. But then, all our friends would say we are the last couple that infidelity would touch. You just never know.
Today's culture just makes it seem like it should just be an accepted part of life. And our no fault D laws certainly don't discourage it. It is not until a person experiences it that the devastating reality hits home. I do fear for the generations coming up behind people the age of me and MoreWould.
OK. Enough of a ramble for today. Back to work.


Me-BH 63
Her-fWW 63
DDay: June 1985. 5 years after A ended
DDay June, 1985
DDay June 1985
Still married - actually in love
2 grown kids; 4 grandkids

Posts: 589 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest - large city
damaged71
♂ Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


RB...

Her inability to reflect on her own choices and consequences is maddening.

That's her "move". Just think about it. Every bad thing that has happened has probably been someone else's fault. It's ALWAYS someone else's fault. That's how folks like this operate.

There are givers and there are takers. Period. You are on one side of the fence or the other.

Your WW probably noted the fact that you were a giver and got on your "free ride" train. You have ejected her from that train that she believed she had every right to be on. Her getting ejected is your fault. Your job was to give.

It's maddening to find out reality isn't what you thought it was. It happened to me when I found out I was married to a WW.


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 305 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
damaged71
♂ Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


1985...


Of the 5 men I have discussed my situation with, 4 of them have been cheated on and I suspect the 5th was but didn't tell me.

All 5 were engineers. I think we might just be unlucky though...


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 305 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
reallyscrewedup7
♂ Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damaged

What is your area of engineering? Just curious. My B.S. is in Chemical Engineering, but I am physician now.

Oh and a big AMEN from me to all of those facing the wrath of the entitled. My fww princess (reformed) spit nails for quite some time following my filing through early in R when she realized I was not the same doormat she had carefully trained.

Strangely enough, we were talking about this only a week ago and she actually enjoys life much better now that SHE is accountable for her actions and does not rely on me or others to make her happy or take the blame. She has grown up a lot in the last two years. Her previous existence really made her miserable.

Sorry to all of those whose wives can't seem to muster the strength to find their "healthy."


Infidelity sucks shit

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