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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 14
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

#3. All I wanted was the attention that you weren't giving to me.

That one pisses me off the most. I'll spare you the long drawn out reasons

#5 - "He's(OM) really a good guy. I just think he is having a midlife crisis or something."


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

#6 I can't remember.

#7 You would like him.

#8 I wasn't in love with him. I was just having a little fling. It was nothing.

#9 Aren't you over it yet?

#10 I didn't want to do anything to hurt our marriage.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Houston - hello and welcome. You say this guy was bigger, better and more manly? I disagree. This guy was a troll. A troll with no integrity. My guess is that he is a pompous ass who tried to inflate his ego by having an affair with your wife. Really pathetic, if you think about it. You are a much better man than him.

Dammit, Stillkicking stole mine. Now I'm going to have to think of another one. Here goes:

#11: Quote to OM in a FB message: "I don't want this to impact my 'real life'."

Fricking awesome video, by the way, Mr. Kite. That bass playing was unreal.

ETA: Had to edit my #, and also I completely changed my mind on what I wanted my quote/contribution to be.

[This message edited by LosferWords at 10:44 AM, September 20th (Friday)]


Posts: 4581 | Registered: Dec 2010
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Houston.

In your own time you will come to realize that it really wasn't about who the OM really was as much as it was about you wifes own fuckupedness within herself.

This!

Any man that screws around with another man's wife, whether in an EA or PA, is not worthy of comparison to a man of honor, faithfulness and integrity.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jealous that this actually works for you

Mind you, it ONLY works with vacuuming the carpets. It helps that she has a weird OC fetish for clean carpets. A stain on the carpet almost put her in a straight jacket.
For a majority of the marriage I would say that I actually did more around the house than her. Then during the time the A was active she did almost nothing, rarely cleaned, weeks would go by before she helped me with dishes, zero laundry, you get the picture (that's changed now that she trying to make things good.) But dishes, cooking, general cleaning, etc... no dice gets me no where. Good to know one of her Achilles heels I guess.

How do I finally achieve acceptance?

I think this is a tricky question to answer depending on your definition of acceptance.
My take: I will NEVER accept what she did. I will NEVER forget. However I might accept that its time to move forward. If she does the right things, says the right things, and I want to stay in the marriage, then I won't let it be the central theme to the marriage.
Fact is, the relationship will never be the same. the genie is out, and that bitch won't go back in the bottle. Doesn't mean we can't have a good marriage moving forward. I don't know if I will ever just let it go, but somewhere on the road I have to find a balance. I don't have that balance now, so can't tell you how to find it, but I hope I can, hope you can, hope we all can. Not sure if that helps or not.

As far as comparing, I did this a lot at first, even though I knew he was a dirtbag to begin with. The thing to realize it that anyone that would actively seek out a married women ain't worth that shit you stepped in on the bottom of your shoe. The minute they go after a married women they should have to trade in their man card for a bitch card. They are unhappy, immature, selfish people desperately looking for outside validation that they are worthwhile. They have NO honor. It's hard, really hard, but you should stop comparing now. Posers aren't worth the time. Let them be, to wallow in their world of shit.

Really sorry you have to be here Houston, but if its male support your looking for you found the right place.

***ETA

#12 I never intended to leave the marriage.

#13 You knew things were bad for us, what did you think was going on?
(like it was my job to know she was fucking someone else and should have put a stop to it, to prove I loved her or something, don't know, still haven't figured this one out.)

OH wait wait one of my favorites......
#14 I never stopped loving you

[This message edited by DefiledRage at 11:04 AM, September 20th (Friday)]


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 429 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

#15 I never got to live my own life

#16 (paraphrasing) He's much better in the sack than you are/ was not sexually fulfilled

#17 He was the man I was tricked into thinking you were (that one, unfortunately, is almost word for word)

#18 It felt good to be needed by somebody

She is ashamed of those things now but those, some others and a lot of the ones already provided were things I heard during the A and immediately after it.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7119 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

#19 You can never make me feel as special as he does.


Barrrf.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

#20 He isn't here to defend himself

Holy fuck my head wanted to spin off and fly away at that one


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7119 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

#21 He's a good father
(no, no he's not a good father or a husband)


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 429 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
1985
♂ Member
Member # 28171
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will add:
#22. I was bored and depressed and just wanting some excitement in my life ; an adventure.
I heard a few of the other ones myself, including Tred's #1. But some of them, like WB's #19 are just unbelievable. My congrats to all of you strong enough to get past some of those truly truly cruel ones.
Eta: had to re number mine

[This message edited by 1985 at 11:40 AM, September 20th (Friday)]


Me-BH 63
Her-fWW 63
DDay: June 1985. 5 years after A ended
DDay June, 1985
DDay June 1985
Still married - actually in love
2 grown kids; 4 grandkids

Posts: 590 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest - large city
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Houston
I still compare myself to him. Was he bigger, better, more manly.....

The oldest literature in the English language deals with these questions and considers them unimportant. I am of course referring to Beowulf, and his comparison too Grendel. Grendel is much larger, feared by everyone because he is so great, and apparently much more manly. Beowulf is the hero of the story, and after dispatching Grendel goes on to other great things.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
Stillkicking
♂ Member
Member # 38246
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

#23 I just need some time to clear my head (and get stuffed like a thanksgiving turkey)

#24 all we ever did was talk about life, we have so much in common.
Well no shit, he was playing you like a cheap hillbilly fiddle


You'll never learn to fly
until your standing at the cliff

I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable reserve my right to be afraid.
I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way.


Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel compelled to post this even though it contains FEELINGS but it also feels fair somehow. I am guessing since I posted about the letter she wrote falling out from behind her dresser years ago, some part of my brain decided to get back to cleaning mine. Out of my drawer flutters a little envelope with my handwriting that says "Important stuff" and it just has my SSN card I thought I lost and a picture my wife sent to me 20 years ago, probably 20 years this month.

I remember the way she smelled. It drove me crazy. My whole chest would feel like it was on fire and I wanted to grab her and hold her tighter. I remember the way her hair felt and how it was like bolts of.. I don't even know the fuck what, when she touched me anywhere. I can remember the way the fabric of a dress she wore felt under my hand, the way she looked at me, the way she looked in a sundress. Being overwhelmingly amazed someone so beautiful and intelligent would so much as fucking notice my scruffy underachieving stupid ass. Her voice. So much her voice.

It's not that I forgot these things. I try to not think about them. Because I don't like reality snaking its fingers back through time and memory to steal away what I got to have from that. I want to die and have those flash in front of me as I go as untainted as I can keep them. That's a fucking fools errand but if I'm not the biggest fucking fool on this stupid fucking planet then props to the guy in front of me in line.

So there are some feelings and shit, gonna go kill some fucking aliens or something.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7119 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fuck man I think this is the first time I felt good about finding out years later after the “fog” cleared. More like I did not have to be in her head while she actually figured out what bullshit that crap is. I have no doubt she felt some of that shit when her brain was where it was at during the A. The shit about being the man I thought you were and shit like that is a deep wound.
I remember way to clear I was going to school and working full time, then later working in a demanding career entry level to build a life for us. She worked less than 30 hrs/week and still could not keep up with the house.

#25 He never did anything to make me mad (that one really pisses me off – of course he did not because he only wanted one thing from her and making nice was the way to get it – duh)

#26 I needed more attention (yeah me too)

eta – we have old fashion work split roles in our family out of conscious choices we made. I had the aptitude, ability and drive to make it in my career and she wanted to support that and then become a SAHM. These were choices we made together. Early on she was going to go back to school and I was going to scale back, but then we decided to have kids and I had opportunities to make more $ so see decided to take this path to the old fashion SAHM / working dad roles. I remember when the opportunity came up we discussed it at length and she was so supportive of it. Funny this is when the A ended. I think I need to chew on this a bit but I don’t really want to think about it anymore today 

[This message edited by foundoutlater at 12:28 PM, September 20th (Friday)]


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1063 | Registered: Jul 2011
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG... #18. So perfect.

#27 (In response to why she did it) "I don't know"

[This message edited by ontheslope at 12:23 PM, September 20th (Friday)]


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Houston

Hey man sorry. For me working on these things have helped me the most

Separating out things you can control versus things you can't. For example I can't control the weather. I can control my reaction to the weather. I can take steps to protect myself from the weather, but I can't change it. It will change on it's own.

Working on my own self esteem. This led me to the belief that in my W world her own brokenness caused this. There was nothing I did that caused this. It is 100% her fault. If I never met her and she had M someone else this would likely be the same result.

I needed my W to understand my pain. To see how much this hurt me. I told her, wrote her letters and ignored her when she wasn't receptive. She in turn had to share with me how much damage she had caused and the feelings that come with that. While remorseful WS don't have the pain we do, they do experience some.

Sometimes you have to be willing to burn a village to save it. I spent time thinking about my life without my W, my M, etc. I saw me there and I could visualize that I would be happy. At times I had a foot and one half out the door. At those times my W put in a super effort to show me why I would want to stay and why I wasn't a chump for agreeing to a second chance.

I know I got more, but those are the ones that came to mind when I read your note.

Also to add to Treds pile, not unique but,

#28 I thought you were going to leave/cheat on me.

So following that rationale, she assumed I was a scumbag and decided she was going to out scumbag me ?

It is great to see just how low of an opinion she had of me and how little she valued everything we had and what I did for her. Wow.

PS- In her (minor) defense when I told her that she cried so hard she had to throw up.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

#14 I never stopped loving you

I got that one too. If that is what loving me is to you, I don't want it.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

#29 I can be myself around him...


ETA: I want to thank you guys for making me want to punch a hole in my monitor. I had actually forgotten that my STBXW said some of this shit to me. I'm good now though.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 1:40 PM, September 20th (Friday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2011
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Houston, give it time. I was all over the place at 5 months, which was just 2 months ago. My emotions have smoothed out a lot since passing the 6 month mark, maybe yours will too. Regardless, sorry you find yourself here, but Welcome.

#30. He listened to me.
#31. I wanted an escape.
#32. It felt like a separate life.
#33. I was so stupid.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

#34 - it was easy

ETA - This was her response to me saying that it must have been hard to try and keep up with all the lies she told me so I wouldn't find out.

[This message edited by RyeBread at 1:55 PM, September 20th (Friday)]


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
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