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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: hitting middle age pity party
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am turning 35 next week and while I normally party it up for my birthday, I am kinda having a huge pity party instead.

I am usually the first person to tell anyone else to NEVER EVER compare yourself to others, that it's a trap and just makes you feel bad about yourself. But I am having a hard time taking my own advice.

I keep looking around at friends and family members with great careers and nice houses and thinking how did I get to be 35 years old, still renting, still living paycheck to paycheck?

On top of that people keep asking when SO and I are getting engaged. We have not even discussed it, and honestly I had been fine with that. This spring when we moved in together I was fine with just that. But it's starting to bug me now. I keep trying to laugh off the question but part of me is wondering what's wrong with me that isn't asking? I hate that I even thought that!!! But I know it's all part of this feeling like I am getting old and worrying about the future thing.

Ugh... this sucks.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
krazy8516
♀ Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DCK -

I am turning 31 in December. You and I are still in the same "box" (30-35) and neither one of us is old. Or middle-aged. Geez. At least wait 'til 40 to consider yourself middle-aged.

Don't have a pity party, have a regular party. Go out, have fun. Or stay in and have fun. But do something besides feel sorry for yourself. A birthday is a great excuse to not think about everything that's wrong with the world. It's a time for celebration.

Party it up like you normally do. Worry about all that other nonsense later.


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So can relate. Turning 30 and hitting the two year mark with SO next week.

Ran across this article today, we are far from alone;

http://www.waitbutwhy.com/2013/09/why-generation-y-yuppies-are-unhappy.html

ETA: Just reread the article and want to make it clear, I don't think you have an inflated ego and expect too much for yourself with little work, I just thought it was a funny generational musing.

[This message edited by Crescita at 3:23 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3452 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Betrayal
♀ Member
Member # 9898
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's really hard to take our own advice, sometimes. I think that in the last 5 yrs, I've asked myself some of the same questions, particularly living paycheck to paycheck. It comes down to a morning gratitude checklist, at least it helps me remember that if I'm truly happy, right now, and we have what we NEED-not want-that it's all that matters, at least imo. If your bf had popped the question, you'd be freaking out about it too, lol. There's nothing wrong with you, he hasn't asked yet because it's not time yet. Men(most mature, emotionally healthy, men that I know), have a checklist of things that need to be checked off before an engagement, and everyone has a different time table. Hang in there, you're going through a transition(living with bf)AND have a kind of "big" birthday coming up, this too shall pass. *hugs*


Me,38 BS
Divorced
Married
DS Born 9/6/10

Posts: 2220 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: IL
fraeuken
♀ Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are young! Celebrate, what are us old folks who are 40+ supposed to say?

Early Congrats and no more pity parties.


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1260 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
click4it
♀ Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Celebrate, what are us old folks who are 40+ supposed to say?

Yep.

When you are 40, you will realize that 35 was not middle age. Trust me.


Me: 42
Two boys: 17 and 14
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25628 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
asurvivor
♂ Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't even remember when I was 35. Trust me...life hasn't even begun to begin, or begin the begun, wait..its begin the beguine. Google it


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 576 | Registered: Jun 2011
jjsr
♀ Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not middle age. Wait till you are in your 50's.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1647 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
wildbananas
♀ Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you... I know I did NOT like turning 30. 40 didn't bother me in the least (go figure) but 30 sure did.

The good news is it really does only get better. I love my 40s! I've never felt so together or at peace, even when things are stressful.

As for SO, do you want to be engaged, kittycat? Or are you just wondering why he isn't asking? What would you say if he did?


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15415 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As for SO, do you want to be engaged, kittycat? Or are you just wondering why he isn't asking? What would you say if he did?

I don't even know. Which was why I was kinda fine with not talking about it at first. I know the idea of having a wedding gives me panic attacks, but at the same time I sometimes slip and call him my husband in conversation.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not middle age. Wait till you are in your 50's.

LOL!

That's what SO said


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The last few months have made it really hard to not play the compare game. A housewarming for my cousin in the kind of gorgeous new house I will never be able to afford. The 7th bazillionth friend to get engaged in the last year posting engagement photos while on her fab european vacation. And my perfect BFF- the one with the perfect husband, perfect condo and amazing career- just had a perfect little baby girl. It feels like everyone around me is buying houses and having families and advancing their awesome careers.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((dck))) And yes, speaking as someone who just turned 53, you are definitely way too young to feel middle-aged. I'm really hoping 53 is middle-aged, since that means living until 106! (hey my great-grandfather was 104, so...) Anyway, I agree with Betrayal about appreciating what you do have, and not playing the comparison game. All those perfect people with houses and cars and all that probably have mortgages and credit card bills out the ying-yang. And as you know from this site, all those seemingly perfect marriages and families are not perfect. You never know what challenges they have in their lives. Concentrate on what makes you and your SO happy and keep on enjoying it!


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5260 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wallow for a while. In fact set a timer for 20 minutes and amp it up. Really have a concentrated poor me misery party. When I've done this it gets it out of my system instead of following me around simmering on low. When you feel a lightening up then do the stuff that makes you happy. Create something!

I know when you hit the middle of a decade you can no longer say, well I'm EARLY thirties anymore. You are smack in the middle of that decade sliding down to 40.

I have so little to show for all my years and education and expertise it gets me down sometimes too. But I do have a creative and unusual life outside of the box and I really appreciate that I can express my quirkiness. That's worth something.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5859 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
clralb
♀ Member
Member # 17185
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then you hit your 40s and starting seeing your perfect friends with their perfect families and perfect homes are filing bankruptcy, breaking up, lose their perfect home, drowning in massive debt.

No, it's not gratifying or fun to see them go through this. Remember, everything seems to look great on the outside.

Concentrate on yourself, don't compare, and be happy with who you are and where you are.


"To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear."
Buddha

Posts: 681 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: southeast
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is 35 "middle age"?!?!?!

Fuck - I thought I had more time...


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17846 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If 35 is middle age, I haven't got much time left! I turned 50 on the 5th, in the 50th state.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
foxglove
♀ Member
Member # 21791
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DCK,

I also have to take issue with your definition of middle age-I'm 51 and I plan on living to well into my 90s or possibly 100. I'm just getting into middle age and really embracing it. 50 years old was one of the years best ever! If I had a time machine, I would never go back to anything age under 30. Why? I'm smarter, more confident, and more discerning than at any other time in my life-I bet this is true for you as well.

Next week, celebrate the wisdom, experience and authenticity that comes with the middle years. Truly.


Me (BS)47
XH (WS)53
Married 21 years
Divorced 2/19/07
Two sons 21 and 23 in college

Posts: 1462 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Northern Michigan
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought 45 was middle age!!!!

Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
Bebba1171
♂ Member
Member # 33857
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wait a minute! I am 53 and feel great! Ran my best ever 10 mile trail run last year.
35 is not middle age! I will call you and raise you 25 years!


Divorced by Interlocutory decree in May 2012. WW had an affair with a 66 yo doctor she worked for.
D-Day Sept 16. 2011.
BH- 52 (Me) / XWW 50 - ages back in 2011
Two great kids that don't deserve this!

Posts: 727 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: USA
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