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User Topic: Am I Being Irrational?
sohurtbyhim
♀ Member
Member # 33057
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The other day my WH and I went to a meeting for people with marriage problems. Because this is a new group, we don't know any of the people there. WH was wearing a baseball team shirt and one of the women there squealed and came running up to him and said she wanted to hug him because he was wearing her team's shirt. She did, we laughed a little about the coincidence about someone else liking that team so far from home, etc. It really didn't bother me then.

THEN I started thinking and today I'm really triggering. First of all this was a meeting for people with marriage problems of all kinds, not just infidelity, but everyone is hurting in some way. I feel that it was so wrong for this woman to run up to a man she doesn't know and hug him. Am I wrong???

BUT, the realy thing is my husband's reaction. When he was in the A, he would sit on women's laps, let then snuggle into his lap, etc. After learning of his A, I told him that it is inappropriate for him to behave with other women that way because I am no longer secure in his ability to maintain boundaries. In my mind, by allowing women to inch closer and closer to him opens a window.

I'm not saying that this women meant anything, in fact she probably didn't. What bothers me is that he didn't step away and allowed it to happen. That's how his A began, starting with sexual innuendos, jokes, "innocent" touches, and progressing into a full blown affair.

WH complains that I still don't trust him. I told him that I won't be able to trust him in the way he wants me to until I know that he recognizes inappropriate behavior in regards to women and stops it in it's tracks. I want it to become a part of who he is and not just doing it because I want him to. Am I asking too much or being too unrealistic? I know we don't live in a bubble, but because of his poor boundaries I in the past, I want to make sure that they are super strong now.

Any help would be appreciated.


Me - BS
Him - WH
Married 30 Years
D-Day #1 August 17, 2010
D-Day #2 October 19, 2010
D-Day #3 February 12, 2011

Posts: 305 | Registered: Aug 2011
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're not asking too much. You're not being irrational or unreasonable.

It sounds like that woman has shitty boundaries(really? does she run up and hug anyone with that team's jersey on??)..and it sounds like your WH still does too..or at least her doesn't know how to disengage when a person..or a woman..shows him attention like that. What work has he done on himself in the last 3 years?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7743 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
sohurtbyhim
♀ Member
Member # 33057
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi confused,
You're right, I don't think WH knows how to disengage himself from situations like that. We have gotten into many many discussions about this and he says he's just being "polite". He says his parents taught him to be polite to people when they come up to him. I've tried to explain to him that you can still be polite to everyone, but you don't have to let them into your life.

One of our rules is that neither of us listen to personal problems of the opposite sex. We've discussed ways of leaving that situation and still being polite. The first time we were at our 2nd home since these discussions, he spent 45 minutes at the fence listening to a female neighbor talking about all her problems. I was so upset by that...the first time he was "tested", he acted the same way he always did. His response was he "knows" he will never cheat again, so he didn't think anything about it. I told him that things have changed in our life since his A and that I don't think the same way anymore and he needs to respect and honor that. He agreed, but we'll see.

We have gone to Retrouvaille, (in fact that was the meeting we were at)and a seminar for healing from affairs and I do notice a difference in him, but I don't feel safe with him yet because of things like this.


Me - BS
Him - WH
Married 30 Years
D-Day #1 August 17, 2010
D-Day #2 October 19, 2010
D-Day #3 February 12, 2011

Posts: 305 | Registered: Aug 2011
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder how her husband felt about that. Lordy.

You aren't irrational. It comes down to boundaries and really, truly understanding them and why. Right now I think your spouse is in "comply" mode rather than "get it" mode. He's trying to do what he's been told without the underlying understanding and acceptance of the concept.

As for his parents raising him this way, I would have to go Dr. Phil on him and ask, "and how is that working for you so far?"

He should have side stepped her and given her a high five instead, "wouldn't want to be disrespectful to my wife."


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6569 | Registered: Jan 2011
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The other day my WH and I went to a meeting for people with marriage problems

Wait, what? This was a meeting for people with marriage problems...and she runs up and hugs some guy she doesn't know because...he's wearing "her" team's jersey.

Honestly, that's almost a Sat. Night Live skit.

My response to unwanted hugs, especially from strangers, is simple. "unless I'm choking, I don't like my personal space invaded."

I have been told I'm rude and bitchy. Here's what I don't get. Why is someone else violating my personal boundaries not rude? It is. It's a HUGE breach and should be dealt with as such.

The fact it's for marriage support is e en better. Provides a teachable moment.

[This message edited by uncertainone at 3:12 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
sohurtbyhim
♀ Member
Member # 33057
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Rebreather,

I think you're right about him being in "comply mode". He truly doesn't get it, that's what I want when I tried to explain to him that I want these boundaries to be who he is. I can't tell you the number of times he says "he's doing everything I want him to", only he doesn't see that he's not.

I'm not the fool I was before. He does so many things that in the past would have meant the world to me, but because he did them while in the A too, they've lost meaning to me. Now he needs to did deeper to find out why he stepped over the line and into an A so that I will feel safe with him. (Or at least I hope I will) His word is no longer good enough for me. After all, he gave me his word over 30 years ago.

Yeah, I wonder what this lady's husband would have thought too, but she had sent him out to the store for snacks before the meeting offically started. I'm just tired of people who are over friendly.


Me - BS
Him - WH
Married 30 Years
D-Day #1 August 17, 2010
D-Day #2 October 19, 2010
D-Day #3 February 12, 2011

Posts: 305 | Registered: Aug 2011
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some women (more than men) are huggers. Ive always been uncomfortable with this and have always leaned away and given a cursory one arm hug. Then quickly move away.

The hugging thing just seems inappropriate to me but that could be a FOO issue of mine.

In the setting of people with M problems I would say this is highly inappropriate.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
callmecrazy
♀ Member
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The fact that it didn't bother him would bother me. Thats like the crazy cat ladies that came up to me in stores and started touching my pregnant belly or a kid. Him not noticing her lack of boundaries would raise alarm in me that he doesnt yet get what boundaries should be in place.

Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys are such chatter boxes.
ETA.
oops, that was meant for the mens thread. Sorry for the interruption.

[This message edited by Razor at 3:37 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have gotten into many many discussions about this and he says he's just being "polite". He says his parents taught him to be polite to people when they come up to him.

So if a really smelly homeless guy came up to him and hug him then he'd just accept it to be polite?? Yeah, right.

No, you're not irrational. He needs to work on his boundaries. He needs to learn the difference between polite and completely inappropriate.

((((sohurtbyhim))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 25 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 30
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2625 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
Topic Posts: 10

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