I apologize for posting so much but my mind has just been constantly racing. I really don't have anyone to talk to so this is really the only place I have to vent.
I have been thinking a lot the past few days and I've really realized a few things. I thought I really wanted to R but I still drive myself crazy with looking for clues that it is still going on. I think the main reason for this is because deep down I KNOW it will happen again, it's only a matter of when. Obviously right now he is on the defense and is covering his tracks really well. I think my blinders may be finally coming off at this point as I realized this man is a serial cheater and will not stop unless he gets the help he needs. I minimized his previous "cheating" because once wasn't on me. It was on his ex-wife. I shrugged it off because it was a different relationship and under different circumstances.
But when we were in our exclusive dating days he accused me of "talking to someone else" out of the blue one day. I was very taken back but assured him over and over I wasn't. Then I discovered messages between him and a woman who he stated was like a sister to him. They said things like "yes i am still attracted to you" and "if we were ever both single I would like to give you chance". I confronted him and he stopped talking to her as far as I knew. Then about a year later (we were living together at that point) she sent him a text that said "you're an asshole" at 1am. Just out of the blue. He didn't respond and said she must have texted the wrong person. Funny thing about that night is I was going to a party with my sister which he was upset about so he had made plans with his "cousin". I ended up not going to the party so he didn't hang out with his cousin.
Now, those things combined with other messages I have found to various coworkers always with the line "you can talk to me about anything" made me realize this man has a serious need for validation. I will never fill that void and unless he gets help and works on his issues he will never change, if he even wants to.
That's where I am right now. Really not sure if I want to R at this point.