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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: being the OW...how do you handle it?
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Red  Posted: 6:01 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RippedSoul,

Please remember which forum you are in and post respectfully. If the pain is too raw for you, stay away from this thread.

Thank you.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38092 | Registered: Sep 2007
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sand away,
Things with my BH are going very well since I have been home. We have been communicating and talking as much as he needs to. We are going to continue with MC and I am continuing to go to IC. We are taking things one day at a time.

I have read the five love languages and am reading NOt Just Friends. I am interested in reading others.

Trying,

I was hoping to get opinions of other WS but also wanted to hear from BS because I enjoy hearing their POV...it's helpful for me to hear them. But as the title of this post says, I was asking other WS how they handle it.

As I have said I know contacting her is not an option and I am not going to. She asked me to leave her and her family alone and I have done that and will continue to do so.

My recent posts have been mainly about the xAP and his BW but that's because that is what I am dealing with right now. I am trying to get to the point of indifference, but am seeking help with how to do that.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 874 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
cliffside
♀ Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, really, the best (at least for me) way for the BS's to heal are for the AP's to go away and never bother them again. Never. Bother. Them. Again.

As a BS ^^this is exactly what I would appreciate.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
sunnyrain
♀ Member
Member # 30164
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FYI, as a WS, the 12-step program was beneficial to me in regards to making amends in a situation where direct personal contact was not prudent.


"I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne."

Posts: 450 | Registered: Nov 2010
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sunny rain,

What 12 step program are you talking about?


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 874 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
scared&stronger
♀ Member
Member # 15942
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have been able to voice what you needed to her. Now it is time to leave her and her family alone as she asked. Please do that.


WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.


Posts: 3975 | Registered: Aug 2007
sunnyrain
♀ Member
Member # 30164
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alyssa,

I was referring to the 12-step programs that are available online and geared towards addiction recovery.

Google 12 Steps. Hoping you find something that speaks to you!


"I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne."

Posts: 450 | Registered: Nov 2010
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But because I recently confronted xaps BW, I am just now starting to focus on my role as the OW and how my actions have affected her...although she didn't believe me and is buying into his lies, I know that what I told her still shook her world up and has affected her negatively

I wasn't an OW. I assume you'd "handle" it the exact same way, though. You recognize the choice to cheat is catastrophic to yourself and others. You work on your processes and become a safe person.

Same way you "handle" any other bad choices in your life. Stop doing them. Fix the damage best you can and move forward.

What part of that are you stuck on and why? That's the real question. How are you going to handle that?


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish my OW would of atleast been woman enough to apologize and say they were ashamed of themselves. IDK why I think that. You know they never once said I am sorry to me not once.

Good job on saying you was sorry. You did say that.
But as far as wanting to let her know what type of man she is married to that is her problem not yours..
What if anything you would tell her she would not believe she would think it makes you look low and after her man, just FYI.. So stay out of that. Just apologize and realize you was part of this. Don't place blame on the AP for his whateverness. Own what you did and work on you..
Good luck.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
truthsetmefree
♀ Member
Member # 7168
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't doubt that you feel guilt and remorse, Alyssa.

And I can believe that your intent is likely sincere.

But could your motive be misguided?

You've apologized to the BW and she has given you her request for how to begin to make amends.

But you want her to believe you....really, perhaps even, basically side with you...to see what "kind of man she is married to".

Then you can both be essentially victims.

And you won't have to be one of those OW.

Give some thought to this.
This path is dangerous to your marriage and it will totally sidetrack your own growth.

[This message edited by truthsetmefree at 10:16 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 7682 | Registered: May 2005
Painfuljourney
♀ Member
Member # 40208
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a BW. I would never be able to forgive you. However I will say the crickets I get from OW in my situation makes me just think she is more horrible than she might be. In my case if OW would apologize or explain her role maybe it would help me think of her as a fallible human being, but now I just think she's a fucking c***. No matter how much my WH did to me, if she wasn't the willing partner maybe it wouldn't have happened. So I blame her a lot. Even though rationally I know my WH was a total dickhead.

You will just need to move on from here. The damage is done. It sucks. I'm not judging you I hope you know. But from a BW point of view the damage is done and the most you can do is say you are sorry and you were selfish. She will need you to be out of her life completely.


BS (me) - 44
WH - 46
DD - July 1, 2013
2 daughters, 14 and 10

Posts: 102 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 10:20 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Painfuljourney...

Please do not vent/name call about your OW in this forum, it does little good for the WS's to read that.

Please post respectfully.

Thank you.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198329 | Registered: May 2002
ionlytalkedtoher
♀ Member
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well this post is interesting.

about the "i want her to know what type of man she is married to" comment. that should not be a thought here since she probably knows him better than you. i mean, they were married for how long?, they had kid(s), together, they had a life together etc--you really don't KNOW him like she does. I am sure he is different with her--more vulnerable--more real-- etc...with all OW the H are just fantasy role playing and that is not HIM at all. If he was lying and cheating and etc--that doesn't mean that he is really that way. He could have been stuck in a situation and just trapped and reacted etc...I don't know--but I do know there is no way that you could truly KNOW a person in your A when he is married to someone else.

On another thought---I would have loved an apology from my OW. Just an apology and thats all. Nothing more.

I asked the OW to stop contacting H on 3 occassions and she disregarded it and acted like she every right to talk to my H--its this that really hurts me. As if she is better than me? She can do whatever SHE wants while I am powerless. Yes, it is a power thing. This OW for whatever reason needs to feel powerful and belittle me. I really want an apology and and I want her to tell me she was wrong to contact my H after I asked her to stop. I want her to respect me. But--she hates me.

Are your motives out of some sort need to feel powerful? Do you need to get the power back in your court?


Posts: 264 | Registered: Jul 2013
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alyssa,

I agree that pondering your role as the OW in their M is a way of you keeping the A alive. The most important thing you can do right now is figure out why you would do this to *yourself*.

Mental NC is so important. When images of your AP or his W or family pop into your mind, quickly switch to something else.


Posts: 11754 | Registered: Mar 2008
Mack9512
♀ Member
Member # 38619
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alyssa,

The MOW in my case did reach out to me. She called herself trash, said my fWH was a liar and that she had the emails and text messages to prove it. But you know what? It didn't matter what she said because I already knew she was trash, I already knew my fWH was a liar and I already had all of the emails and texts. I saw it as her last ditch effort to break up my family. The only thing that she said that I could even relate to was "I know you hate me". She got that right!!

Right now, in the grand scheme of things, she isn't important. Your BH is important. She may hate you for the rest of her life. She may believe your AP. She may bad mouth you to other people. But it's alright, because they don't matter anymore. Look to yourself and your BH. Make sure that you will never stray again and try like hell to help you BH feel safe again. That, my friend, is that only thing that matters.

Sending you strength and peace.
Mack


"If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello." - Paulo Coehlo

Posts: 408 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for the comments and advice. I appreciate it and am not going to contact her.

I still think my intentions for bringing it up were somewhat misinterpreted but I also understand why I need to just let it go...I really don't want to cause any more harm than I already have.

I am not trying to keep my A alive. It is finally over and I am very happy for that. And I do know I was never a victim. I am the one who made the choices I did and am now facing the consequences.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 874 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been watching this thread. Still not sure what you're trying to accomplish here. You're an OW. Yeah? And? Is their relationship any of your business? You inserted yourself in their marriage, like a splinter, and now that you've been ejected, whether the AP's BS believes you or not, you need to stay gone. Don't be the rash that won't go away.

my role as the OW and how my actions have affected her
You want a glimpse into how you affected her? Look at your husband. Read JFO and General. Don't call/text/email and try to get in her head. She's not your BS. It's not your job to heal her or figure out where you are placed in her life. You were a splinter. She got you out. Her healing is her choice.

she didn't believe me and is buying into his lies
Again, her choice. Not your business. Maybe she does believe you but she's acting like she doesn't so she can go into investigation mode to see if you are the only AP in her husband's life. Maybe she's in denial.

I wish I could make her believe me, but know this is impossible.
Why does it matter so much that she believe you? Why do you care what she thinks of you? Nothing you say or do for her is going to unring this bell.

It shocks me that some of the OW treat the BW the way they do, and I can't understand it.
Having trouble realizing that you really are "one of those" people? Whether we EA, PA, or pass an STD, we're all guilty of the same thing. Infidelity. We all "treated the BW the way we did."

Before our conversation ended she told me my apologies meant nothing to her, and to leave her and her family alone. I understand her reaction, but still want her to know that I am sorry and full of remorse for what I have done.
She told you what she wanted. Disappear. If she wants anything more from you, I'm sure she'll find a way to contact you or your BS. Don't make your needs of "making this right" trump her demands of silence and disappearance from you.

And here's my thing. If she really didn't believe you cheated with her H, why is she saying that your apologies mean nothing to her? If she believes you didn't do it, no need for apologies, and it wouldn't matter to her one way or the other.

I also need to work on and deal with. But I don't know how if she doesn't want me to contact her, rightfully so. If this were a normal situation where I had hurt someone, I would apologize and explain myself.
Think about your last sentence. And then think about what you said earlier in your post. You have no explanation. No justification. So besides crying, blowing snot bubbles, and saying, "I'm so sorrrryyyy!", what exactly do you expect to get out of a confrontation?

Bottom line, her life is her life. You live your own life, you work to heal yourself and your BS, which is the only one that really matters in the grands scheme of things.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 1:19 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6315 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
MsRukia
♀ Member
Member # 40219
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am learning from my WH and reading that affairs are complicated. The reasons why people do them are layered. I understand your desire to make amends, really though the only way to do this is to respect the OBS request for space and privacy. In all honesty, you carrying the burden could be your way of making amends. It's taking responsibility for your choices. It would be good for you to attend IC. It would help you see more clearly, I think, your whys to your behavior. It might also help to talk to someone about your need to want to contact OBS. I think on some level it means closure for you. But on another lev it's for entirely selfish reasons. I encourage you to continue to look at yourself and the role your affair played in your marriage and your BH's pain.


BS (34)
WS MisterP (37)
Together 14 1/2 years
D Day 03 Aug 13 EA & PA
D Day #2 01 Sep 13 continued EA & PA with OW
Slowly but surely finding my way.

Posts: 172 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Colorado Springs
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, so you believe you're being misinterpreted...

Why is it important to you that she knows you are not lying?

Why is it important to you that she knows her husband is lying?

Why is it important to you that she knows (again) that you're sorry?

Why is it important that you're not seen as "that kind" of OW?

What I think most are getting at is this, any time and energy and thoughts you spend on her (and therefore HIM), you take away from your husband, your own reconciliation and your own healing. You're still giving him/them headspace. You're still ENGAGED, even though it's just in thought, and enmeshed with him via his wife. You can say you're not, and you're glad the A is finished, yet you continue to give this so much thought. It's taking away from what is needed here, which is concentration on YOUR BS, YOUR marriage, YOUR healing, YOUR reconciliation.

You shouldn't CARE what they are or aren't doing, if she does or doesn't believe the truth, if she cares that you're sorry or not. That should not be your focus, at all.

Honestly I feel like you're still in the withdrawal phase and are in denial about it. By focusing on his wife, you can delude yourself that you're not.

When you start thinking about this, change what your doing completely. Go and focus on your husband. Write him a love letter. Go read a book. Focus on what you can do to get yourself healthy. Just do Something to stop allowing yourself to ruminate over this so much.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly I feel like you're still in the withdrawal phase and are in denial about it. By focusing on his wife, you can delude yourself that you're not.
Bingo! That was true in my case.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6315 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
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