In general, regardless of the whys and who is at fault and who wanted the divorce, men tend to end up getting the short end of the stick from our legal system in divorce. I think that is a factor in skewed statistics. Men are somewhat reticent to begin a process that they know will end up 'costing' them regardless of who is at fault.
Oh please!! After being on this board for a number of years, how could you even go there??
This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet
In general, regardless of the whys and who is at fault and who wanted the divorce, men tend to end up getting the short end of the stick from our legal system in divorce.
Well, I did get primary custody of our three kids, but we didn't fight about it. We decided that was best through mediation.
He got 70% of the assets.
His CS payments are not tied to his extremely lucrative investments-- only to his salary. He hasn't had a raise in ages, and for the number of years he's worked and his age, his salary is not that great. So my CS isn't that great.
He got all of the antique furniture (despite his mother saying that I should take whatever I wanted) because it was from "his" family. Funny, I thought that "his" family included his children, who live mostly with me.
We split the medical expenses 50/50 after whatever the insurance pays. Considering that he has some really nice investments, that's a joke for him. Not so much for me if very little is covered.
I got screwed in many ways. My dad kept telling me to go after things. However, the price of primary custody, keeping him off of my retirement accounts, and freeing myself from him were worth it. I'm sure that there are plenty of other women out there just like me. We're not all gold diggers dragging our exes into court and fighting them over every last penny.
What I think we should amend your statement to say is that FAITHFUL SPOUSES tend to end up getting the short end of the stick from our legal system in divorce. The fact that people are allowed to destroy their families, spend the family assets on APs, and walk away with even 50% of everything is disgusting. Perhaps if we punished unremorseful cheaters more severely during the divorce process, they'd think twice before joining Ashley Madison, hooking up with a co-worker, or trolling the Craigslist ads.
[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 8:51 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]
I think most generalizations about men and women can be proven wrong. Every person is unique.
As for my experience, the women I know who got D were mostly women who either cheated or were cheated on. Two exceptions to this are: one 3rd marriage for both parties that didn't make it past 2 years because expectations didn't jibe with reality; and my SO who says they just "grew apart" (his 2nd marriage and her first).
However, I have experienced women who complained a lot about their husbands - so much so, that I wondered why they stayed married.
I was not perfectly happy in my marriage prior to the A/D, but I adjusted my expectations to meet reality. I never had thoughts of cheating or leaving.
So I think the rush to D or an A is more a function of the individual than a whole gender.
This is such an offensive pile of bullshit I don't even know what to say in response.
Cite your source.
Define short end of the stick.
I also think there is a 'men get screwed in divorce' factor.
In general,...[etc etc etc]...regardless of who is at fault
In general,...[etc etc etc]...regardless of who is at fault
You have only to read on this forum to see how wrong you are about this. I can't even copy your words, because I don't think they need to be re-broadcast. I'm looking at your post number and trying not to judge, but thinking that you just haven't read that much here? If that's the case, I hope you just said this out of ignorance of the facts and at some point, with more reading, you'll realize how atrociously insulting it is to all the people here - women equally - who have gotten taken to the cleaners and hung out to dry in the process of divorcing a selfish POS.
I mean you're posting on a forum right now where women and men alike are fighting for equality in their divorce after being viciously betrayed by their spouse. Out of respect for everyone, this kind of statement needs to not be broadcast as fact.
In general, regardless of the whys and who is at fault and who wanted the divorce, men tend to end up getting the short end of the stick from our legal system in divorce
LOL I guess I'm just on the wrong end of every statistic or maybe I am a sucker who doesn't know how to get the long end, but although we didn't go through with the divorce, my H was DEFINITELY not about to get screwed over. I had been the majority breadwinner for most of our marriage while he changed careers twice and went back to school. His business was just starting to really take off, so on paper it looked like I still made more, although that was rapidly changing. If we had gone through with the divorce, he would have reaped all the benefits of my supporting him while he found his career happy and got his MBA.
Personally I always felt like overall marriage was a better deal for men than women. And since more divorced women live in poverty than divorced men, I don't think D is really all that bad for men either. Maybe because they remarry more quickly and don't have to live on one income as long?
But then that is the problem with stats, they don't paint the whole picture.
Could the higher rate of women filing for divorce be linked to the legal right to do so being a more recently acquired one? Along the lines of higher rates of women who smoke(d), alcoholism tending to be higher in groups that have been more recently introduced to it etc.
"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou
"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –
[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:48 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]
I have always heard that men tend to be financially better off after the D and women worse. I am off to find some kind of study/stats. This is just about the biggest pile of horseshit I've read. REALLY? I struggle monthly w my bills, cut way back, renting out my basement so that I can keep my house while my ex buys a new house, supports his wifetress who is pregnant and out of work and goes almost monthly on nice vacations (many out of the country). He makes 2.4 times more than me and only had to pay minimal alimony for a year despite me being out of the work force raising our kids for 8 years. I lost all but on certifications while not working and am starting my career path almost from new. I'm having to take him back to court for CS modification because the state minimum based on our current number would double his payment to me. I might not have to move if that happens.
This is not isolated. I have MANY friend that are going through a divorce or have recently gone through one. 9/10 the guy ends up the same or better. I do have one friend who isn't, but he was blindsided and agreed to a really shitty deal that he can't get out of. She really is screwing him. But the courts didn't do that to him, he signed the agreement himself.
My SO filed (gasp, he is a guy!) and their div agreement is very fair. I would LOVE to have one in place like his. He was not screwed. Just last night he agreed that I was screwed.
Off to look for evidence other than my life
[This message edited by million pieces at 11:20 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]
I have been the breadwinner in our family,
My WH has been the one whose house of cards would fall if something happened to me (sickness or death)...
I have been the spouse who was unable to GUESS and meet my spouses ever-changing and unreasonable needs..
It is hard not to feel angry and bitter against man kind when going thru this kind of shit storm, I am glad that I can post here to vent..
For the moment (unless I win the lottery),
I feel trapped in this small house with my cheating WH..
When I file for D, I might as well sign up for food stamps at the same time..My WH stands to gain (financially) big time because he has nothing to begin with..I stand to lose my meager savings and up to 1/2 of my pension income that is already in payout..
I am wracking my brain for ways I can make money( passively) online.. I am an artist (in my spare time), so there might be potential for making some extra $ with the sales my art :-)
I am lucky in that I was never asked by WH to stay at home with the kids or to sacrifice my career to support anything he was up to...I was always told that we couldn't afford for me not to work..
Alert-I am climbing on to my soap box, lol :-)
Please teach your kids to have the mentality to be self sufficient and protective of their OWN welfare, not to be financially/mentally dependent on a spouse or other family member.
One cannot predict the future or be assured that nothing will happen to the bread winning spouse or family member..
I would counsel the person who is about to be married to protect himself/herself with a pre nup , and to have a separate bank account from the spouse's.. Each spouse should work/save long enough to acquire enough personal financial strength to begin rebuilding his/her life should something traumatic happen..
I would also counsel the couple to build themselves up with education, hobbies, fitness, etc so that each person has his/her own identity and likes ..
Nothing was more tiring to me than having my clingy WS depend on me for everything..There were days when I wished and enjoyed having the house and space to myself..
As an adult one should work to become as SELF sufficient as possible (mentally, physically and financially ) whether or not he/she is in a marriage..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:42 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]
A difficulty in reforming marital property laws to compensate these women lies in the fact that many women, even in today's modern world, make career decisions based almost entirely on their family plans. Thus, a college professor who might have become a successful businesswoman had her family plans been different, has no way to show a court her lost earning potential. Her decision to take a lower paying job cannot be weighed by the court, since there is no real evidence of material economic damage.
Some of us BS's have grown kids who have moved away .. We want a D but we feel trapped financially because we have INTENTIONALLY unemployed spouses who REFUSE to find work.. If the WS isn't the one who files for the D, and the WS doesn't have any assets to divide or lose in the D, then the no fault divorce laws seem supportive of him/her and make it advantageous for this person to stay unemployed
[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:50 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]
Is it's because it's so easy these days to get divorced.
All evidence in this forum to the contrary. This statement denigrates the countless people in this forum who face extreme turmoil and hardship when going through divorce.
That being said, I don't believe for a second that it's a gender thing. I know just as many men who complain that their wives "don't do X, Y, or Z"....with the unspoken comparison being "....like mom used to...", as I do women who complain of men who "aren't romantic enough" with the underlying sentiment being an over-fascination with Channing Tatum movies. I'm not being sarcastic, just pointing out that the sword swings both ways.
(I'm excluding "This Is The End", in which Mr. Tatum was *excellent*)
[This message edited by FacePunched at 4:34 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]
I have to agree with that!
When I was single, before meeting XWH, I lived in the same apt building as a recently divorced middle-aged woman. She had always been dependent on her husband and his income, credit, etc, so when they got divorced, she had NO credit history of her own- couldn't even buy a used car without having her grown son co-sign on the loan
After that, I signed up for a credit card under my own name so I would have a credit history alone. When I got married, I kept that CC only in my name instead of adding XWH to it. Thank goodness I did!!!
I was able to re-establish my own credit because of that CC which made my financial life much easier.
to have a separate bank account from the spouse's..
As sad as it is, my DD22 said one of the biggest life lessons she is taking away from my marital disaster is that she will never combine her money with any future partner and she will always strive to be self-sufficient. I can't fault her for thinking this because she is absolutely correct... You just never know what curve ball life will throw at you...