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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: "Men don't leave unless there is someone else"
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 3:49 AM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I know is that I left BECAUSE there was someone else. And that someone was not brought into the M by me.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5656 | Registered: Nov 2007
Griefstricken25
♀ Member
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My particular WS would not have left unless there was another person. He is too much of a coward to be alone. I would say he stayed in our marriage for the last few years ONLY because he had no one else to go to.


Me!
3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2509 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've gotta say, any statement that starts with "Men don't..." just pisses me off. Unless you have proof that this happens in 100% of the cases, it's a bullshit generalization. Even if it's true in 95% of the cases, how many men are there in the world? And it's insulting to the 5% who are honourable.

This is something I've taught my kids. You're guilty of generalizing and perpetuating stereotypes anytime you use a sentence that starts like this:

- Men don't...
- Women are...
- African Americans have...
- Jewish women like...
- Chinese men eat...
- Canadians do...

You're applying a specific action to a general type of person.

No arguments that there are some men who act this way. There are also women who act this way. The fact of the matter is that anyone who walks away from a marriage after they have cheated is probably doing this. The existence of testicles doesn't make it any more or less likely.

For the record, I left because my future ex-wife had multiple someone elses; I have nobody else.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1912 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Men don't leave unless there is someone else"

Absolutely true in my case. I am leaving my wife because there is someone else. That someone else is the person my wife decided to have an A with. That and I finally realized how her continued blameshifting and A justifications were killing me emotionally.

So ya, there was someone else.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have always believed that theory, with some qualifications, is generally true with regards to men and women.

In the past, when I have heard of someone just up and wanting a divorce I have always thought that the truth of someone on the side will come out soon enough.

Now that I am more aware I can clarify that infedility by the non filing spouse is the wild card.

Keep in mind, all generalizations are false.


Posts: 385 | Registered: May 2013
debbysbaby
♀ Member
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I in the believe camp. It is what I have observed and experienced.


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 866 | Registered: Aug 2011
meaniemouse
♀ Member
Member # 10798
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to wave the "no generalization" flag about counselors and therapists. As in any other profession there are the good, the bad, the ugly. There are also those who have had their own problems and that makes them more empathetic and insightful and those that have had problems that haven't taught them anything. Counselors, therapists, psychologists and social workers are in the service business. The HUMAN service business. They are providing a service for money. While it is a different kind of service than the person who repairs your car, or the doctor who cures your ills, or the lawyer who represents you in court, it is still a business, a service, and it is up to the purchaser of that service to find someone with whom they are comfortable. Most people in the counseling profession (at least the ones who are worth your time and money) have spent a great deal of time in graduate school, internships and supervised practice as well as having taken state licensing and/or national board exams. They have to participate in continuing education to keep their certifications and credentials. Most know their stuff and know it well. It isn't fair to make generalizations about this group of people any more than it is to make generalizations about men, women, people of color, teenagers, senior citizens or girl scouts.


Act as if what you do matters. It does. William James

Posts: 2110 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Midwest
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't speak to any other man's experience, but this was very true for the infidelity experiences I'm personally acquainted with. My brother married Wife #1 out of a sense of obligation and only left her once the OW/eventual Owife was in the picture. My ex blabbered about wanting R at first, but when I said no way, he made sure that he kept the OW on speed dial so that she was available as a back-up plan. I think that if she had ditched him once the secret was out, he wouldn't have been so quick to agree to my decision to D. I suppose I should be grateful to her for that! He also married her one month after the D was final, so it's pretty clear to me that he was fine about ending things because he had a Plan B, and then he made sure that Plan B stuck around by love bombing her and rushing her into marriage. He definitely can't be alone, but that's not all that peculiar for a manchild.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3604 | Registered: Oct 2011
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Plan B

Plan B is a woman, I assume. So how exactly is this a man thing again?


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Eyeofthetiger
♀ Member
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was in the context of why my H left. The assumption is, if a man is leaving his wife and kids (obv not a BS that's a different story) then he must be leaving for another woman.


In my case--- although not 100% sure--- he left due to guilt and lack of willingness to admit his wrong doings and fix them. His contact with OW stopped weeks after he left and before I even knew there was an OW.

I didnt make this generalization but people around me keep making this assumption.


S

Posts: 129 | Registered: Aug 2013
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His contact with OW stopped weeks after he left and before I even knew there was an OW.

So, how exactly does this fit? If he stopped contact weeks after and you didn't even know about her but he is not back home, how is she the reason?

Only he knows why he left. You may not agree with his perceptions but that's kind of irrelevant. Perception is reality.

Only thing that matters is your focus on your healing and recovery. He's taken himself out of that equation.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
HopeImOverIt
♀ Member
Member # 34517
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, my divorce lawyer said the same thing! However as I recall, she qualified it with "usually" or "most often".


Me: BW (50)
ExWH: (51)
2 teen-age boys
Divorced

Posts: 261 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: PA
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is a ridiculous generalization! Men and women leave for the same reasons ! If your husband left you with no reason then in my opinion and I pray I am wrong, there is most likely someone else. What does your gut say? When my wife wanted a divorce I thought that there was no way. But everyone told me there had to be someone else and that it would come out soon. Sure enough I caught her. But that is my story and probably 50,000 other people's on this site. Could your husband be a man? One of the last ones left ? That actually left without having a plan b. ? Human nature says no! How many people quit a high paying job for another one , without having it lined up? I'm just saying that men and women cheat and if you read up on the signs and the actions of a cheater you would most likely find that a cheater is a cheater man , woman , black , white , oriental, doesn't matter. The actions are the same. I wish you the best and I am sorry if I came off harsh. Stay strong.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 647 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I think you're generalizing.

I think that this applies to men and women. In my case, I filed for D. A friend of the marriage (I thought) told everyone that I MUST have someone else, or I wouldn't have left. We aren't friends any more.

Nope - I just got to the point where I would rather live alone than live one more day with him.

But it seems to be that a lot of people like to have their Plan B lined up before exiting the marriage.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7643 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Eyeofthetiger
♀ Member
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe they would say women leave only if there is someone else but I am married to a man not a woman.

As far as him leaving for her. No I think he left because of her. Because he defogged while at home and realized his stupidity and started rewriting our marriage to make it so awful he had reason to leave.


S

Posts: 129 | Registered: Aug 2013
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

read up on the behavior . like I said it is typical.my stbxww, your husband, whoever? it is just behavior . my buddy was in the military and had two kids , his wife cheated with his best friend behind his back, so in my early severely painful days I called him because I felt he would understand the best and I was right ! his x wife did the same exact things and said the same exact things ! ok if you want to talk about men sure I have a female friend that has 3 kids and her x husband did the same ! when we spoke she told me details of exactly what my stbxww did and her husband and my other friends wife all different people with same story , like cancer, infidelity does not discriminate! all the best


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 647 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Eyeofthetiger
♀ Member
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wasnt making a generalization. People have said this to me because I have a husband not a wife. I guess their assumption was he wouldn't have left if there wasnt someone else.

I would assume if I was a man and I had a wife or whatever I would get the same assumption.


S

Posts: 129 | Registered: Aug 2013
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A wise old (in his 70's) family friend of my FWH told me the same thing. At the time my H was telling me "there is no one else, I just don't L you anymore and want a D." Turns out the old friend was right, there was an OW, and they were talking M as soon as our D was final.

Maybe one should change the word from "men" to "people?"

"Most people don't just up and leave a M unless there is someone else." Who knows if they were unhappy with the M first, or if they "realized" (can we spell f-o-g and rewriting marital history here?) how unhappy they were when the OP entered into the picture.

HBH


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you started your topic with "men don't " so I assumed you were generalizing I apologize if I was wrong.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 647 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was true in my case as well. My therapist (who, btw, is a PhD) also said that most men don't leave their wife and family unless there is someone else. Most.

And he used the term "men" because I am a woman who was married to a man. Yes, it is a generalization but many times people are searching for the commonality that binds all of us together. I don't think anybody believes that we mean every single man on the planet when we make this statement.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3582 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
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