I have no reason to live anymore.
Yes. You do. His idiotic choices do not define you. You are worthy and amazing. HE is the one with little reason to live. Not you.
-The prostitute 1DH had sex with is apparently popular on the escort review site for having unprotected sex with men. She was one of their "favorites" for that. (No wonder I contracted an STD!!!)
-After going through the reviews (1DH's included), I counted over 160 DIFFERENT MEN she'd had sex with before 1DH did!
-Guys...guys...she was NOT attractive! AT ALL! I was actually worried that he had done this because he wanted someone MORE attractive (as he had told me previously!), but I promise you! She was NOT! OMG, I don't know what's worse now??? He had an attractive, smart, funny, witty, fun to be with, outgoing, confident, loving wife and he chose THIS over me?!?!?
-The woman he had the A with in Denver was ALSO not attractive! I finally saw a picture of her and nearly flipped a table! He said he basically went to anyone that gave him 2 seconds of attention, and that she was "attractive enough" to be sexual with. I never realized his standards were so low!!!
-Based on the review he wrote about his experience with the prostitute, he admits now that he kissed her and also performed oral sex on her. How can I ever kiss his beautiful lips again knowing that he performed oral sex on her, especially after knowing that she's had sex with SO MANY MEN?!?!?
I feel like my life is falling apart. I wanted so badly to stay and heal with him, but how in the hell can I stay NOW, knowing all of the nauseating truth?!? I haven't eaten all day, woke up several times throughout the night crying from nightmares, and have no motivation to do anything.
I wish I was dead.
Do it for your small child. One small step at a time.
I read your profile. You need to slowly take back your own life, that doesn't mean giving up on your marriage. But maybe leave the heaving lifting of R up to your WH for a while.
I would try not to think too much about the women he was with. They are really irrelevant. Who can really understand what is going through the mind of a prostitute?
Get your life back, CC. No more giving up, or putting on hold for your WH. If you can't do it for yourself right now, do it for your children.
[This message edited by grace68 at 4:51 PM, September 16th (Monday)]
So 1DH sits down with me last night and starts telling me even more stuff...and I'm just thinking, CRAP, what the hell else could there be? Well, it turns out that not only has he lied to me about his sexual history while we've been together, but he's also been lying to me about his sexual history PRIOR to our relationship! One lie which included him having a one-night stand with a women in (what would become) our bed and our house! (He bought the house about 3 months before him and I started dating.) Why wouldn't he have just told me the truth about it early on? If I would have known going into the situation that it had happened, I wouldn't have had a problem with it! But now our home of 6 1/2 years together feels "tainted". I know that sounds totally unreasonable, since it occurred before we were even together, but the lies make me feel horrible.
He also admitted to giving and receiving unprotected oral sex with the prostitute. He also admits to writing that review on the escort website in order to "lay the groundwork" for future encounters with other prostitutes. Deplorable!!!
He says it was always just about the physical encounter, the excitement of "getting off" in new and exciting situations. But he also admits that we had a fantastic sex life that was so much better because we had an emotional connection! I'm so confused!!!
And what he did does not define you. You are a special individual. You lived before you knew him and you will live from today forward. You are a mother, daughter, friend and many other thing in addition to being a betrayed wife.
And you will get better. You will survive and eventually thrive again. Do not doubt this.
I am so sorry you are so hurt. Please talk to an IC or trusted friend or family member in real life.
[This message edited by sudra at 9:58 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)]
There is so much to live for like the happiness you will get once all this grieving you are going through is over. I am patiently waiting for this stage to end myself.
I had lived in lies after lies for 3 whole years, all supposedly he was "trying".
I am sorry to say, but once a liar always a liar. You did nothing wrong, you are just the victim in a bad situation.
Keep your head high! Your children need you strong!
I'm so sorry that HIS bad actions are causing you this much pain. As I said before, I do know how you feel, how betrayal can make one feel suicidal - I am still working my way through to the other side of this same issue (with psych and meds).
One suggestion I would have for you two: instead of talking it all out at once, have 1DH write out a complete timeline, including everything he remembers about his actions, thoughts, feelings throughout his A(s) (and your whole history together it sounds like). After it's all out there, you can read it in bits, at your own pace, ask him questions about things that aren't clear.
But give yourself time to process. In your last post, it sounds like so much is coming out all at once that it is overwhelming. And once the despair hits you, EVERYTHING becomes overwhelming and you just sink further down from there. And the lower you go, the harder it is to pull yourself up.
One thing I have come to truly appreciate is how important the basics are. Take sleeping, for example. The despair makes it harder to sleep. But lack of sleep leaves you with fewer and fewer resources to deal with everyday life and, on top of that, the A(s). Drink water, try to eat at least a little. Breathe. Focus on getting through one moment at a time.
Hang in there. Nothing about betrayal is easy. Keep posting. We get it, we've been there, we want to help you through it. And you will get through it. Please believe that. Your pain will not always be this raw, this intense.
Sending you strength.
Today I woke up, took a long, hot shower, and shaved for the first time in almost a week. I scrubbed my face, plucked my eyebrows, and even used the "fancy" soap. I'm trying to do little things to show myself that I'm a beautiful woman, and that this is *HIS* problem...and certainly NOT a reflection on me! Some days are easier to accept this premise than others.
The good news out of this is that 1DH has an appointment with the IC tomorrow as well. I keep asking him what the difference is NOW versus BEFORE when he would apologize for the EA and the "activities" I caught him doing online. He said that while he meant it when he said he was sorry, he never realized he had such a problem. He compartmentalized everything so well, he was unable to see the depth of his horrible, deplorable acts. Now he says he's really "getting it", and he's seeking the IC to get help to fix himself. He is also reading books such as "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. He is also working on a timeline for me, and spoke with our lawyer friend yesterday about a post nuptial agreement.
The scary thing is, I want to believe him! I am putting every ounce of faith, hope, love, and courage into the fact that he is working on becoming a better person. Am I crazy to believe that he can change, and stay changed forever, so that these horrible things never happen again?!?!?